| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:15:08 PM | I've decided it's my picture or my writing maybe not necessarily the content more of the ability not to shut hell up, also I think that I scare away the majority of girls I contact because in an effort not too sound like the typical "hey you hot wanna ****" my initial messages do end up somewhat lenghty but in my opinion a good show, but I think its my ease in talking to people I don't know thats hurts me I mean do people like the awkward first contact thing?
Eh Iam gonna cut this off here before I start to ramble, I just want some opinions on my profile thanks. | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:02:09 PM | ok i felt sorry for you because no one picked up your profile to review and now I see why because I feel like i am listening to an old 33 rpm album played at 45 rpms or maybe one of those run on songs or cleaning commercials sung to the william tell overture never mind because that is not what this review is about anyway you asked for help and you are going to get some.
Is this your manic phase, or what?
I like your potential but you have got to cut and paste this sucker into word and do some serious editing. Punctuate!
Then post back because I think you have the beginnings of something good here. | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:24:23 PM | The other piece to consider is, yes, your picture. Look at it the other way...as if you were a lady. We see a guy hanging out with his car, a hat on his head, face in shadows. A good close-up (head and shoulders) with the very minimum of a pleasant expression would be much more appealing.
twwr | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:11:40 PM | I thought Winsome Warhine was hard on you, but...punctuation is important. Attention to detail is a good thing. Everything you said was appealing. Just a little proof reading is all.
A close up picture would also be a plus. Good luck.
I would also like to say WW, that some people including myself have loved friends and family members who suffer from manic depression (bi-polarity) and it is not a joke and it is offensive when used in that context. | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:42:22 PM |
I thought Winsome Warhine was hard on you
We are all entitled to our opinions, Surly.
The OP has some nice thoughts to his profile, but unfortunately, many get lost with the series of run-on sentences.
I do him no service by patting him on the bottom, issuing an "atta-boy" and sending him on his way.
I hoped I could show him by example how obvious his style of writing in his profile was and hopefully entice him to take a moment to make some easy edits.
Your attribution to a psychological definition of bipolar is purely your own.
My use of the word 'manic' was to point out the chaotic enthusiasm that came across in the OP's profile. In my opinion of course. | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:54:46 PM | Good job, you made some progress but we have more work to do.
I am going to edit one of your paragraphs for you. If you like the edits, they are yours.
Your paragraph:
I like nice things and I like to look nice, I also enjoy dressing like a beach bum. I love music and enjoy alot of electronic mostly in the House, euro-pop, Euro House, Breaks or Psych variety's, my other music is Ska I love ska because it's very real to me, its defiantly the west coast sound track in my honest opinion, I will also listen to some R&B/Hip-Hop/Rap but thats defiantly not "me" music but I do enjoy a good beat. Iam pretty social Iam not too much into the club thing but I don't mind smaller more comfortable places or venues, I also tend to judge people....I cant help it. My most geeky trait, Iam fascinated by space, other worlds and time travel.
WW edits:
I like to dress well and own nice things. However, if beach bum casual is the scene, I can blend. I love music and enjoy electronic including House, euro-pop, Euro House, Breaks or Psych varieties. My other music is Ska because it's very real to me; the definative west coast sound track, in my honest opinion. I am also down with some R&B/Hip-Hop/Rap if it has a good beat. Although I am pretty social, clubbing is not usually my thing. I prefer to chill in smaller, more comfortable venues. They provide a perfect place for me to quietly observe. I am not going to lie. I am a student of character, and find analyzing personalities a trip...I cant help it. Since you are probably wondering, my geekiest trait is my fascination with space and time travel. Ever heard of deja vu?
Now, you may not feel like the above is "you" given I am old and all, but hopefully you get my meaning about making your sentences short, with just one thought. Even though this isn't a class, it really does help the reader understand you and it "packages" you nicely.
Give the rest a shot. Once you have done what you can, post back, we will continue to tweak and then get into some more detailed edits (can you believe I have actually held back?)
Be patient with the process. It takes a while. I really think you will be happy with the end result.
Good luck. | |
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| Ok I Think I've narrowed it down, but....
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:18:08 PM | | I can't tell now which one you are in both your pics. If you're the guy, then you should know women hate to see photos of guys in close proximity of beautiful women. Get some shots of just you, no babes, no pals, no hats and no sunglasses (we want to see your eyes). | |
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