| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:31:34 PM | Right - firstly I would consider myself a reasonably enough social being.
I am 32 yrs old - male.
Hang out with guys - (as opposed to a guy who has loads of female friends)
i have zero childhood issues or anything like that.
Have a great family.
Also - am successful professionally.
ANd no hang ups about my appearance.
So - basically - I'm a regular guy with a lot going for me.
I would definitely say i have a good personality and can be fun to be around.
However - I am CRAP with women !!
As in - I can't be relaxed and myself around wome until quite a bit of time has passed by.
(I think all guys have that to an extent. i.e. uys would normally behave slightly different around women than guys. WIth me it just lasts a lot longer and is a little nore intense)
WHat I mean is - I NEVER approach women.
However i do get on very with friends girlfriends and stuff.
i.e. women where i know nothing can happen with.
Call it shyness - call it lacking in confidence with women - (I don't think I lack all that much confidence generally - although I wouldn't necessarily be the most confident person in teh room either - call it a normal level of self confidence) - call it what you will.
But that's the way it is.
WHen I am talking with women where i feel this could be going down teh road of something possibly happening if i play my cards right,basially my conversational skills plummett.
I definitely come over with a kind of fear or panic- and am normally happens when teh quick chat comes to an end (by someone going to th bar or a cigarrette or toilet or something)
In fact - it's normally me who ends the chat it by one of teh above methods.
This resuklts in them naturally thinking i'm probably not interested.
i.ee. I put down the barriers.
As i say - if i feel nothing physical could happen (e.g. talking to a friends girlfriend) then I am very relaxed adn enjoy the female company.
And no - I'm not gay or anything like that !
On the very odd date i've been on i don't show my personality at all.
I come accross as very wooden without showing my true colours at all.
Like - what's all that about?
FOr teh record - it's not that I'm a virgin or anything.
I have slept with a low double-digit number.
Howver - it's been a few years at this point.
DOes this happen anyone else?
BAsically - i'm all on for going on dates - and i don't lack confidence in attracting/being attracted to someone once I am comfortable around them.
However - in my experience with womein in teh workplace for instance, this can take WAY longer than it takes me to be comfortabel around guys.
The reason I am reluctant to go on dates is because i dread going into this 'wooden' phase.
To sum up - i have zero confidence in getting through this uncomfortable phase in any reasonable length of time.
i assume that by the time it would happen, any potential dayte would have gone and written me off as completely stiff/vacant.
(I can fake confidence/comfortableness for a coupelk of hours - after that i'm through though and conversation doesn't flow at all fluently with my panic)
That seems to be putting me off dating in a big way !
As in - i don't date for that very reason.
SO - anyone else relate to this or what ?
I think i'm getting to teh stage where i'm thinking about this a lot more recentkly - which only compounds the issue. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:45:39 PM | | I can't really relate but try joining coed groups or taking evening classes (i.e. cooking classes adn that kind of thing) where you will interact with women and maybe get comfortable around them eventually. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:47:04 PM | I can relate...
Cept that I've had mostly female friends throughout my life... Note - when you can relate to girls, they do not want to be with you.
Confidence isn't actually the key to attracting women (despite common advice to the contrary) . You can believe in yourself all that you want - that does absolutely nothing for the way people react to you. Nor is "being yourself" a satisfactory answer if "yourself" includes any issues that women perceive negatively (ie boring, needy, desparate, weak, syncophant, etc.)
I think what you need to do is just keep practicing. Try smiling at women that you see from time to time. It won't get you very far - it's not like women are going to initiate conversations or anything else on a regular basis (that's still up to you) but it might help you feel more comfortable around people if they think you're friendly.
Have you tried to figure out why you become "wooden" in dating situations? Is it a result of nerves, insecurity? Maybe talking to someone would help. It could even be medical...
But as a guy, you're never going to get anywhere with women unless you take the initiative so if this is something you want in your life, you're going to have to do something about it.
PS Low double digits really isn't bad for someone that never approaches women :P | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:48:22 PM | Ya - maybe.
That said - i was at a co-ed school.
Have a few sisters.
There are women in teh office that i work with.
I am around women a bit alright.
I don't think it's a 'practice' thing.
There are enough instances of being around women generally. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:49:51 PM | One thing you can try is to start striking up conversations with complete strangers. Yeah it seems a bit weird. But try it. The cashier at the grocery store. The old lady at the bus stop. Whenever you find yourself in contact with someone new, male or female, just smile and start talking. This will make you more comfortable not only talking about yourself and the world around you, but also will build confidence as you see the response people have to confident, assertive people.
You mentioned some good qualities you have, so you have to transition these strengths into innate beliefs about yourself, into inner confidence that will shine through and you will start attracting more people who will be striking up conversations with you! This can be easier said then done, it takes time. Invest in hobbies and things you are good at. Branch out and try something you always have wanted to do. You will have more to talk about and less time to worry about shyness which all of us have experienced at some point. All the best to you... | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:55:21 PM | | Sounds like a case of "wooden" in all the wrong places. Hey....have you tried just going on group dates until that feeling passes? Sometimes that will divert the attention off you for a bit if friends are around - a more relaxed enviroment. Those 1 on 1 dates can feel like an interview session, especially when the girl is trying to size you up as a potential mate during your first dinner.... | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:58:50 PM | " Note - when you can relate to girls, they do not want to be with you."
I'd have to disagree with that statement Droleci..... | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:59:25 PM | He-he !
I figured thete would be a play on 'wooden' alright.
So it seems no one else really has this so no?
Can't for the life of me figure oput why it happens to me.
I am a compptely regular joe in all aspects of my life bar that.
However - that is quite an important area to have a problem in.
I think it may be that i put a potential girlfirend ona pedastal.
Actually - i shoudl point out - thsi doesn't happen to me with girls i'm not atttracted to.
Well - not to the same extent anyway.
IOt's only with girls I am attracted to. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:04:54 PM | Another thing to consider is plan dates in a social setting that you are comfortable in. For example if you don't like formal stuff, stay away from the big dinner scene for the first date. Plan something in a setting or activity where you feel at your best or at ease.
And buddy trust me, I know some guys who are basically Charles Atlas who turn into blubbering babies once they get around a 115lb knockout. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:14:55 PM | I should also point out that i don't feel this at the beginning when i am talking to an attractive girl.
it really only kicks in when i think a possible encounter is on the cards.
which obviously includes dates.
ah well - such is life i guess. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:40:00 PM | I think what you need is just more experience with small talk. "practice" on people you are not on a date with. Waitresses, cashiers, gas jockeys, whoever. Just think of something nice to say to start a bit of a conversation.
Examples:
Hey that top looks really good on you.
I really like your haircut.
Wow it was so hot out hey?
Gotta hate that rain.
That's a sweet tattoo.
That's a great bracelet, there has to be a story behind it.
You know, just something small to have a little conversation. Probably just a few sentences back and forth. Saying something nice to them will also make their day a little better, probably get a smile from them out of it as well. So it ends up being win - win. You get experience chatting up someone, and they get a nice compliment, which is always a bonus.
Hmmm I just seen the part about where the "wooden-ness" kicks in when it's gets closer to asking for a date. Maybe just get her number, or have her add you to facebook and take it from there. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:28:36 PM |
I'd have to disagree with that statement Droleci.....
*shrug*
In my experience, women reject empathetic guys as potential relationship/dating material almost instantly. I get immediately slotted into "let's just be friends". | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:37:42 PM | One thing you can try is to start striking up conversations with complete strangers. Yeah it seems a bit weird. But try it. The cashier at the grocery store. The old lady at the bus stop. Whenever you find yourself in contact with someone new, male or female, just smile and start talking. This will make you more comfortable not only talking about yourself and the world around you, but also will build confidence as you see the response people have to confident, assertive people.
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This is a great idea, mine has a minor twist: "for two weeks, flirt with every WOMAN you meet, 16 to 86, at least say "hi" or "where you going granny" etc". You are not going to ask for phone numbers or dates....ok skip the 16 yo's and 86 yo's...you are just going to talk like a handsome, friendly, confident man....If the women are closer to your "ballpark" flirt a little harder, a little more daring. Like yesterday, two gals in their 50's at a jobsite were talking about a "top" she bought at walmart...I said "I think you got that top at Victorias Secrets"...well about 30 seconds later, I had a cup of coffee, with packets of sugar, sweetnlow, creamer, stirrer stick and a napkin brought out to me!!! For my follow up, I said "I like all women's tops", but that just got a couple of groans....
So practice flirting for two weeks with everywoman, married, single young old, they don't need to know what you are doing. Then in two weeks do it and try to get some dates. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:33:29 AM | Cheers for teh tips guys.
Ya - the general vibe seems to be try to practice and things may change. I suppose there is no harm in that idea.
Although - I'm beginning to think that this trait is just part of my make-up - and you are who you are.
As i say - It's not like I'm 17 - I am 32 !
Unlike everyone else who seems to get excited and probably more chatty at teh prospect of an encounter/getting to know a potential love interest, I just have an initial bout of panic - that outstays its welcome.
i wonder is there a self-confidence issue? I mst say, I don't think there is.
That said - who knows.
Either way - it is a problem alright. As a result I am single and lead a relativley solo life.
The whole notion of goiong out with some stranger and being relaxed and comfortable where conversation flows freely from teh first or 2nd date just seels like a million miles away.
I'm kinda surprised that NO-ONE else experiences this too.
Anyway - cheers for the tips. | |
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| plan quickie dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:53:44 AM | something short and sweet; the first times the worse. Once you see them a
few times , there will be less tension. Before you know it, you will be an ole pro.
They'll be wanting your company so bad, that they will keep the conversation flowing
just to keep you there longer. Even Cinderella had to be home before midnight.
Just play it by ear. Let her do the talking. It's much more relaxing to listen to someone
else, than to carry the ball in your court. I definitely know how you feel. You're
lucky that you can be comfortable for a few hours, I wish I could. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 3:10:32 AM | what the purpose of self exspression bu to express yourself...maybe you are very sceared of being rejected...so you show nothing.....let me tell you either way you play it you ar egoing to be rejected whether you are wooden, plastic or silk, you might get laid but, if that's all you want act smooth confident and conceded...if you want an actual human reality aka love: try getting use to rejection..you have to sort through the dirt until you find the gold | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:08:32 AM | You need a "wingman"...........................
OP.........When you go out observe how other men are interactig with women. Not just what they are saying but their body language. You can say all the right things but if the body language is wrong its not going to work.
And try talking to women that you wouldnt be interested in dating, that way you wont get tense thinking when to make your move but it will allow you to learn how to let a conversation flow.
And by the way.....get that first date thingy off your profile. Its not a good idea to go to a pub on a first. Even though your Irish LOL
RELAX.........................
GOOD LUCK............... | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:22:13 AM | | What I tried (successfully) is rather than meeting in a bar & having to keep up a conversation was to do something active - surfing & hiking were good. It gives you plenty to chat about before, during & after. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:27:56 AM |
if i feel nothing physical could happen (e.g. talking to a friends girlfriend) then I am very relaxed adn enjoy the female company.
I think thats the ticket.... maybe you dont view women as equals, you view them as being better than you (the one's you are attracted to any), kinda like putting women up on a pedestol or something. I think it results from looking at women as a challenge, something to be conquered, which creates an intimidation factor about approaching women.
thats my 2 cents, I'll stop playing psycholigist now........ | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:49:53 AM | you may well be right toronoto man.
You could be onto something there.
Which leads me to teh next questuon - whay do i think that?
As i said in my OP, i do consider myself a normal enouogh,relatively confident character.
Why is there lackof confidenec when it comes to women?
Whay do i mnot view them as equals ?
Can;'t for teh life of me figure out where that mentality seeped into my head. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:07:28 AM | | Im the same way man. Its getting better as the years go by....good luck | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:08:14 AM | | OP,,,,,,,,,,,it sounds like you will have to "practice" convincing yourself that the women you are attracted to are the opposite,,,,,,,,,,,ones that you are NOT attracted to and at that point you will feel at ease and not freeze up as you have described your actions. If you can stop your own self-defeating fantasies of seeing them as an unobtainable princess then your "real" personality of being comfy around women in general will take over and the problems will take care of themselves. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:11:28 AM |
BAsically - i'm all on for going on dates - and i don't lack confidence in attracting/being attracted to someone once I am comfortable around them.
There's the thing. You are afraid that you are going to be uncomfortable when you are first around them, so that's what ends up happening. Its self-fulfilling prophecy.
You say you are self-confident, but acting this way around women IS a self-confidence issue if you want to admit it or not. | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:26:28 AM | For me, its fear of rejection, which means that my goal cant be accomplished. BUT, its not within my goal. I, like you, feel very confident. Challenge me to climb mount Everest, and even though I've never climbed a mountain, I have no doubt I can do it if I want. I can control this. But a woman's rejection is something thats beyojnd control, a challenge we cant always win. doesnt matter how good looking you are, how much money you have, etc... they can reject you for whatever reason.
I think its something along those lines, for me anyway. I'm always in the process of trying to change that mentality. Now I try to say to myself that the challenge is JUST in smiling, or saying hello. If I've done that, I've succeeded, cause I beat my fear. who cares if she says no to me. it takes practice, and you'll end up feeling and looking dumb, but, those women that reject you you'll never ever have to see them again. And, you dont feel like a shmuck at the end of the day cause you didnt have the nerve to say hi.
wow, I typed all that, and I even sound a little bit smart too | |
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| Too wooden like on dates
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:49:30 AM | Have you tried therapy to find out what is causing the problems?
Sounds like you think about stuff way too much to me. Why not just go with the flow?
Thirty two and slept with one younger woman, are you gay (and just dont know it yet, how close to the 'guys' are you)? That is not spiteful, it is an honest question, maybe you just dont know you are, lots of men dont.
Yep thinking about this, if it were me I would be worried, I would book a block of therapy sessions and find out what the problems really are.
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Noticed you are on a dating site with no picture up? Is there a reason for this or are you trying to pretend to be a player/married sort of guy?
EDIT MSG: 13, PMSL now that "where you going granny" could get the poor guy a smack in the mouth, not a good idea OP. :wink: | |
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