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Posted: 7/11/2008 8:58:36 PM | I'm only 20 years old and I'm going through a divorce and trying to get back custody of my baby.
What I don't know is whether I should stay single since I'm so young or get married again? What's best for baby? Don't children NEED to grow up with more than their mommy? | |
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Posted: 7/11/2008 9:26:32 PM | Don't children NEED to grow up with more than their mommy?
I would word it as "Don't children need to grow up with more than one parent? "
No. Is it the preferred method for many, sure, but we do not live in a perfect world. Some are raising kids completely on their own, some of us share custody with the other parent.
First of all, get through your divorce. Do what you need to do to be a part of your precious daughter's life. ( I will assume dad has custody as of now, or another family member) Those are your primary objectives.
What is best for your child is to have a stable, loving home, regardless of who is the primary caretaker. Do not rush into another relationship just to give your child a father figure. That would be the most harmful thing in all this. I think you would be hard pressed to find many young men willing to take on that responsibility anyway. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 12:27:01 AM | | Look take it from me I have been in and out of relationships for a number of years trying to give my children another mommy. I have found out that I can do it by myself and have been doing it for a while. I have just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who wants to get married and is abusive. So right now you need to work on your divorce then child and finally you. Now I do understand that we all have our needs for sex and that will always be there but even I have to put my kids welfare first over my needs. Believe me it is very tough since I don't do one night stands or know how to have them. Best of luck. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 1:16:13 AM | Listen to what everyone is telling you. Focus on regaining custody of your child. Take some parenting courses (not just to meet the court's requirements). If you are not a member of a church, find one join and attend services, they have support groups for you. Where are your parents? If you do not have any, borrow somebody's (since you are borrowing them pick a pair with some good sense).
WHATEVER you do, do NOT rush into another relationship and end up with another baby. I know the loneliness and despair you are going through, but be careful who you select to spend time with, do not become an easy target for a abusive or unstable guy who might mistreat you and make your situation worse than what it is now.
Take good care of yourself, good luck
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:27:52 AM | Children don't need more than thier mom to grow up, what they need is a stable home to live in with the unconditional love and support from a parent or gaurdian.
Your age has nothing to do with whether you should get married or not. It wouldn't matter if your 20 or 40... right now you do whats best for the baby and focus on that only. If your out looking for a husband or "father" for your baby, then your not focusing on your child, but yourself instead. Your first marriage didn't work out, so do you really want to rush into another one so soon?
In my own opinion.... stay single. Get your baby back, love that child and work on making a home with just the two of you. Like you had said before, your young... so you have plenty of dating time ahead of you, don't rush it. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:35:05 AM | | The most important thing for baby is mom being happy and healthy. Take your time to get through the divorce and heal. Then do what it takes to make you happy. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 7:31:28 AM | Ummmm.... read your profile... you seem to have a history of picking bad men.
Sounds to me like you need a bit of a 'time out', time to get your shit together, discover who you are, and make some positive changes for yourself.
If you jump into another relationship before the ink on the divorce papers is dry, it's just gonna end up like all the others.
Do yourself, and your baby a favor. Concentrate on getting her back (why was she taken away?), and work on yourself. A man is the LAST thing you need right now.
Once you're in a better place, you'll attract better men. Frankly, reading your profile, kinda makes me scared for your baby.... | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 8:16:47 AM | Remember to breathe, particularly when you are juggling so many balls and trying to get your life straight. You tend to think that something or someone should come along that will help you find a sense of peace but that comes from within you.
Concentrate on getting your child back, as another poster suggested take some parenting classes, everyone should use them. There are so many things to learn and no matter how you prepare, you fly by the seat of your pants anyway, but give yourself some tools. Each age is a very different joy and challenge.
A good mom is a happy mom so I would say that as you get your life back with your child, take a lot of time to evaluate the things you have done thus far, look at how you chose your x-husband and perhaps another boyfriend that was not all that and a bag of chips, and figure out the kind of man you want and who you want around your daughter.
To do that, you must know yourself and you must know your child and always remember, every decision you make affects her. A two-parent family is best but not if it is not a good family or there is too much dysfunction, then your daughter would be better off with you. If there is a father around and you can find some sort of friendship for your daughter, she will have both parents they just won't live together.
And also very important is that you can surround her with your male friends, uncles, cousins, whomever you bring into your life that is a good male will positively influence her and teach her the things she needs to know about men that she would normally absorb from her dad.
Be positive and educate yourself as much as you can. There is a shitload of information on parenting and relationships on the Internet, use it. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:34:23 AM | | And this is what happens when babies have babies. You are 20 years old and going through a divorce already. How can you think getting remarried anytime soon is a good idea? I don't think you are asking what's best for your baby, but what's best for getting your baby back. Getting remarried isn't going to make the judge see you in a different light. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:38:01 AM | | The first thing you need to do, get your child back, not sure why you lost your baby in the first place, Second thing, concetrate on yourself and your baby. Your baby should be the FIRST thing, you are way too young to be going thru a divorce, but its life. Don't go finding yourself someone else..........you will only get hurt. Single is NOT a bad thing, you have plenty of time for someone else later on in your life. Go to college get a degree and get a good job. I know its hard, been there done that. Your BABY is your FIRST priority period. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:13:52 AM | Playing the devil's advocate here, but maybe there is a reason she does not have custody of her daughter...
In her profile, she states someone stole her pills (hooked on meds maybe?), that she has a "very short fuse and a BAD temper", and then further states that not many people can handle her. Then she goes on to say that her new boyfriend beat the shit out of someone she dated, someone else had tried to rape her.... it just goes on and on.
Her life seems very chaotic and very negative. Not a god environment for a child at all.
Of course, I'm only going by what she's written in her profile, that's all I can go on, but I suspect there is a reason she does not have her daughter... Getting her back could prove to be very difficult if her life is indeed as chaotic as it sounds in her profile... | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:19:48 AM | Northern;
I have to agree with you and disagree with the posts above that have said to get her baby back. I am not sure who the child is with but I think the op needs to get her life together and stop worrying about getting married or even into another relationship.
There has to be reason she does not have custody and if the child is currently in a stable home then why would people suggest she go get custody since her life seems pretty chaotic. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 12:09:16 PM | You should concentrate on yourself and your baby...The thoughts of diving into another relationship at your age is something to think about long and hard.
Make sure you are one with yourself and circle yourself with family to support you through this...Think short term...not long term...One life to live that has to now be focused on your well being and your childs...Relationships will come...You have to be okay first...Your child will love you..always for what you do and always be there for them...Been there done that.
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Posted: 7/12/2008 2:55:06 PM | I'm with Northern_Lights and Soccersweep....
You need to sort out your life, and get things stable.
Get some counselling, go to school and get a good career, and do whatever the courts told you to do (In deciding that you don't have custody, I'm sure the judge mentioned what you need to do to change that situation).
You need to figure out why you are consistantly dating sh*tbag men, and stop it. If you feel that you *need* a boyfriend/husband to be *complete*, you really need to take a step back and stop dating for a few years to actually find yourself and get your priorities in line with parenting if you do actually want to get custody back and DO A GOOD JOB of parenting.
Above all, keep in mind what is BEST for your daughter. If you are still dating sh*tbags, should she really be exposed to them growing up? If you are still in party-mode, who will look after her? Are you prepared to stay home most nights with her if you can't find a sitter?
Good luck | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:33:47 PM | Ok....seeing that EVERYONE has said the exact same thing.... Even though it's hard to focus sometimes and it sucks to be alone. My baby means more to me than a stupid relationship. I don't even think I WANT another relationship. I have the worst luck in attracting the wrong people.
As far as the reason WHY I lost custody: It's a long story.... After I had my baby I had really bad postpartum depression. OCS of Alaska came in and told me that she had 'failure to thrive'. They suggested that I send her to live with some relatives while I seek counsling and get on medicine for the depression. Biggest mistake ever was sending her to the father's parents. The father and I were already having marriage problems. Getting married at 18 and having a baby at 19...NOT a good idea at all. The bad thing that I did was I hit him twice and was 'charged' with assault. (later found out that I really wasnt. I guess it was dismissed) As far as to WHY I did it, I was pregnant and going through some major hormonal changes. Also having to put up with how he treated me. He was abusive mentally on an everyday basis. The USAF charged him with mental cruelty. He's been kicked out due to all the trouble he's been in.
Anyway, he was signing the divorce papers behind my back and telling me that things arent working out but that he didn't want a divorce. I eventually found out that he filed for divorce in Texas, gave 'emergency' custody to his parents and when I found out about it, I was on the first flight back to Texas. That's the basic of it, I think. I've been to court for the temporary orders. The judge said the baby needs to be with her mother, that it doesn't matter if she has depression. He said he wants to slowly give her back to me. Because she's been with her grandparents since she was a little over 3 months old...it wouldn't be good for her to be taken away from the people and home shes KNOWN for months, to a strange and different one with me.
I get her on weekends and the final hearing is in september.
I think that covers the reason why I lost her. Not sure what you guys will say now, but if you have any advice or ANYTHING, I really do want to know. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:37:58 PM | get back to ur baby.i'm sure u gonna be the best mom of ur baby good luck  | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:40:51 PM | Thank you for clarifying. You have been through a lot, OP. Glad to hear that the wheels are in motion...
Give yourself and your daughter time to rebond, get in a rhythm and routine before you start attempting to put yourself out there.
I wish you and your girl the best.
Biggest mistake ever was sending her to the father's parents. Actually, you did an unselfish thing. Perhaps it hs not been easy dealing with them, but the did provide care for your daughter and avoided her having to be put in foster care or some worse situation. I am hoping that no matter the animosity that you will allow her grandparents a continued role in her life. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 12:22:49 AM | I agree, seek counseling. Focus on some goals you need to work on, resolve the issues you've had. Take the time before you have full custody to get your act together. See if you can get documentation of the reason why he got dismissed from the military since it shows that he's got issues as well.
Word of advice, clean up your profile, take pics of your daughter out, is it really a stranger's biz to be looking at your daughter, put it on private and show it to those who have emailed you and interested or whatnot.
Being a single parent is tough, but rewarding since we want to provide the best that we can for our kids. The hard part is letting go of the ideal that people have of what a family is. As long as you can provide a happy, stable environment, the better for her. Nothing is worth the sacrafice because in the long run, either way kids are affected, but kids are more happy when it's not a hostile, arguing environment.
Seek a group to join and they can be your support group. If your parents in law are good, decent people, work with them, and let them be involved with your daughter. That will benefit both you and your daughter. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 2:25:48 AM | Hey all, not sure if out of line, out of place, but reading above I think "if i was in the same situation" my foremost concentration point would be the the divorce and my children, whilst I have not done the divorce, I was in a defacto relationship and the formost concern I had was sorting my children out.
I left the house to the ex, the furnishings and left with just a suitcase (ok it was a grabage bag) and my laptop computer, the rest is history including the $45,000 debt I was left with.
Many people have many ideas of "what is best for the children" and in many cases "so to does the law" and "child support", we all or at least most of us have been through similar situations and different people tackle the situations differently.
I think ultimately the kids are first, the kids are the ones who will be emotionally effected, this effect can be long lasting where as a divorce court (depending on the outcome) will in most cases effect you and your ex, however, the kids do not necessarily have to deal with the majority of the legal garbage which follows.
When a split happens, the children question themselves, did i do something wrong, does mummy or daddy not love me anymore, why is mummy/daddy never hear, don't they want me anymore, I know this because my dad walked out on me when i was 6. The foremost should be the happiness of the children and if it means protecting them as much as possible from the bitterness as possible, sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Kids aren't stupid, they know what is happening, but they also see through people and situations more than we realise.
I have a 4 year old telling me "i don't want to live at mummies daddy, i wish i lived with you" thats hard on me knowing i have to take her home and knowing that i am the only person who does the requirements, I drive 1300Km every second weekend to have one of my daughters, I call religiously every second night, I have $250 a month more than my child support amount says i am required to but its for education, I just do what i have to do to make my kids happy (of course without spoiling them).
For what its worth, thats my ideas, hope you get something from that. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 2:46:10 AM | You are a great Mum as you put your child's needs above your own need to be physically close to her in order to get yourself well!
That's an incredibly unselfish act, one that would be beyond many parents - the abuse and neglect stats sadly back me up. I'm pretty sure the judge is aware of that too.
Focus on visualising the kind of upbringing you would like your child to have (sans relationship for now). Do you want your child to attend a great day care while you study or work part time? If so go look for one, find out how much the fees are and what you'd have to do to make it a reality. Is it living in a nice home? Decorate your apartment. Do you want a career as a nurse? Find out what training you need, what help you could get towards fees, if there is help for childcare on campus etc? Think hard in logical baby steps.
Document the steps you take to improve life for yourself and your child. Run them by your lawyer when you think you have a realistic "plan". She's bound to be able to take some of your ideas to present to the judge as evidence that you have turned things around for the sake of your child.
Then go do it girl! You are stronger than you think to have come this far!
The only thing I would say is that for the next few years your key goal should be to live life as "drama free" as possible. You and your child have endured enough drama, and now need a bit of peace in your own lunch breaks for a while. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 7:06:22 AM | | Concentrate on getting yourself healthy, and getting your baby back.. You're young still and have plenty of time for new relationships... Take care of yourself... and good luck | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 7:59:26 AM | | Akira, I agree with pretty much everyone else here... You're young, pretty, and reasonably intelligent... get yourself and your baby squared away and on-track, even if it takes a couple of years, and you'll find everything else falls into place. Best of luck. | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 8:06:00 AM | What I don't know is whether I should stay single since I'm so young or get married again?
Your thinking way to far ahead here, your only just going through a divorce, and you are thinking about marriage again?! you are going to need time to get over this jumping from one relationship to another won't help
Don't children NEED to grow up with more than their mommy?
I have done just fine bringing up my daughter on my own, and im sure you have supportive family and friend's
for now just concentrate on getting your child back
~Serenity | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 8:09:40 AM | Sheesh girl... all that and you're only 20...
Getting her back might prove difficult. My brother is in a similar situation. His girlfriend was/is a crackhead. Children's services has been involved with her many times, his daughter now lives with his ex's parents. They have guardianship.
They got guardianship because his name wasn't on the birth certificate, and paternity wasn't established. He has since gotten DNA tests proving the baby (I call her baby, but she just turned 2 a couple of months ago) is his.
Her grandparents are control freaks, they control everything, including when he's 'allowed' to see his daughter. They are now getting ready to move 6 hours away, and didn't tell him until he found out their house has been listed. They told him that if he wants to see her, the onus is on him to find a way to see her, that they refuse to help with the driving or anything. **stards that they are.
He now has a lawyer and is working on at least getting joint guardianship of her. The mother is a flake, she's in and out of that babies life, not an appropriate person to care for her at all, she has supervised visits with her own child, that's how bad it is, yet her parents let her have the baby unsupervised with her. They deny their daughter has a problem (even though they took her to some fancy detox clinic in Arizona trying to clean her up). They are doing their best to squeeze my brother out of her life, which is ridiculous, because they're so bonded, she loves her daddy.
My point being is that it's going to be EXTREMELY difficult to get your daughter back. You will have to do a LOT to clean up your act and prove you are a fit, and stable parent, and to be honest, your profile doesn't really make a case for you. I agree with whoever said you need to clean up your profile, you do! If that child has been there since she was 3 months old, the transition back to your care will be slow, can't just rip a child out of the only home she's ever known and place her back with you, even if you are her mothre.
Unfortunately, you have a long road ahead of you, I think that much is obvious. I honestly don't see how you can even THINK of getting involved in a relationship when you have this much going on! | |
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Posted: 7/13/2008 8:33:09 PM | in a ideal world u have a mum and dad. lets face it u dont have to be together..
took me 18yr to realise that.
a happy healthy mum is better than nothing.
and a new nan will arrive as he's ment to. dont go looking thats the least of ur concerns. | |
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