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Posted: 7/11/2008 10:28:43 PM | When I met my boyfriend, one of the things that attracted me was his insistence that as adults in a committed relationship, we would work through any conflict.
Is anyone (besides me LOL) surprised that things are not playing out the way I expected?
He is impossible to talk to when he is upset, and worse than that, he will act as if everything is resolved and ok - until the next day, when he pouts and stays away.
Last night we had an upsetting disagreement, but when he came to bed, he wrapped his arms around me, and we both said "I love you." He was still in bed when I left this morning, and again we exchanged "I love you's."
On the way to work, I sent him a text telling him he means everything to me. Can you imagine my surprise when he texted me back, "How many times have I heard that before. Don't make dinner for me tonight, I won't be home." It's 10:30pm, and I haven't seen nor heard from him.
To me this is just childish.
Advice on how to deal with this kind of behavior? | |
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Posted: 7/11/2008 10:48:50 PM | One option would be to say to yourself that this is his way of coping and to simply expect it. So as soon as you argued last night, you tell yourself "this is not over yet and tomorrow he will sulk". Then his behaviour will fit your expectations.
Resolving stuff when you are upset is really hard. The thing I tend to do wrong most in such situations is to let my hurt feeling get the better of me. I think the best thing to do is to embrace them physically and emotionally and listen until they feel heard. Sometimes, when you feel hurt or feel that they are beating you over the head with a point that you actually do understand very well or that they just want to take out their hurt feeling by making you feel bad, or that you are not being heard and are being misinterpreted; it can be extremely hard. Being misinterpreted is probably the biggest thing that is going to make you want to interrupt -- it is with me. Unfair judgements... Sometimes I have the tendency to just give up. It's sometimes easier to accept being misunderstood and apologise for something that was actually well-intentioned as if it were something cruel or thoughtless, rather than defend yourself against the one you love.
I would discuss things with him when the atmosphere is calm -- say that you are concerned that you are not resolving conflicts and listen to how he feels when a conflict arises. One option may be to agree to save the discussion until the sting and the heat has gone out of the conflict -- like shelve it until you can both handle it without feeling hurt. However, if you do have the strength then resolving it at the time, even if there are tears and raised voices, is worth trying. When you find that it is actually possible to work through misunderstandings and accidental hurt with a partner, it should make it easier for the future. I think that it is certainly something that one can learn to do better, through repeated experience and growing security in the relationship. | |
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Posted: 7/11/2008 11:37:27 PM | Does he have a mood disorder? The way you have described his responses and behavior, it sounds like it.
Honestly? I'd have booted someone to the curb long before this point for acting like that. If I wanted someone with the emotional ineptitude of a teenager, I'd go back to highschool.
(Of course, that would be a tad creepy.) | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 12:08:16 AM | Conflict resolution..I cannot just put my hands to my ears and scream, "I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it." Wait, that was when I was 15.
I think we all get upset and at times say things we regret later, we are human afterall. I think we also sometimes need to walk away in some heated moments.
But, I think true adults talk about problems, try to resolve them and do not just keep it in and use it against a person later.
It is like a game of emotional blackmail. Let me hang this over your head for a later fight.
~Carrie | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 12:08:23 AM | Ignore him until he gets over his pouty phase. Then when he comes to talk, tell him "welcome back to reality, how was your vacation?"
Normally I'd have some lengthy advice for a situation like this.. but you're almost 60 and I assume he's the same age. If he's going to act like a teenager, and you're going to act confused and put out, there's nothing much anybody here can say to help either one of you. You should pretty much know how to handle yourselves by now at your age. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 12:10:58 AM | This is controlling behaviour. What he says means nothing, it's what he does that matters and so far, he is showing you that he is a very small man.
Live with it or don't, it won't change. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 1:11:54 AM | When someone goes out for the evening on the heels of an argument, I tend to think the argument has been "engineered"... The only thing both people know for sure is that no argument or dissension gets worked out, when they aren't together.
I don't know what the argument was about but it sounds to me like it kinda fit into his plans for the evening...
Once that starts, it can be hard to stop... good luck to you! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 1:22:42 AM | shore ,
It sounds like he is taking advantage of you and your SELF RESPECT , that sounds very belittling and YOU deserve so much better than that -- Kick him to the streets and move on , if you continue to let him treat you this way , it will get Worse -- And you are WORTH more than that !! Bless You - Remember we teach other people how to treat us !!
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Posted: 7/12/2008 1:33:57 AM | I read some past threads of yours and realized that maybe your more "open minded" than he is.
Some guys have an ego problem when it comes to females having male friends that they had sex with ....just to have sex w/o strings or emotions tied to it...and your still seeing him on a friends basis.
You have your rules...and he has his..the object is to compromise. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 3:33:26 AM | you can't talk to me either when I am upset. The best way to deal with it, on your part, is to wait patiently till he is ready to discuss the matter. Pushing won't work, trying to rationalize everything based on your needs of the moment won't either. IF somebody called me 'childish' after an argument, I would tell him to go and look for another kid to play with.
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:02:04 AM | I thought rune's post was extraordinarily helpful.
There is an important clue here... early on he said conflict resolution is important to him. Because of that I would really consider his actions in a conflict (and the next day) not so much as controlling or punishing YOU, but his coping mechanism for his pain in the midst of conflict... so take a look/ask... to see if it is that he finds the conflict just too painful.
He might well be trying to deal with his pain by staying away (either to avoid "another round" or to get his emotions "tucked back in") ... but that choice makes you even more reactive. You guys kick into a negative spiral when you are in conflict.
Some people have found Harville Hendrix's books very useful in understanding and sorting through their conflicts. He outlines a process to resolve conflicts. "Getting the Love you Want" is one and there is another book for Couples. (Singles too, if anyone is interested in doing some work in advance). A book I found very helpful is H. Lerner's "The Dance of Anger" because it offers insight into how we react to each other, and very, very practical advice on how to change the dance steps. This little book has altered a lot of people's perception of what goes on in conflict.
When you guys are calm, I'd go back to how you both placed a priority on conflict resolution and aren't doing so well at it, and perhaps it is time to do some work on it. People don't naturally know how to deal with this stuff, generally we cope with it as best we can, but we can be so reactive and cause the other to also react. We need to learn how to resolve conflict... not be expecting ourselves and others to "just know" how to do it. Get on the same team... don't get into a cycle of blame here, and begin to understand what is happening. You might find the books to be a useful support in working through it. If not, google conflict resolution, read other books or possible get therapy specifically to learn how to resolve conflict and get coaching while you develop these new skills and "strengthen the muscles".
I will say that conflict is causing BOTH of you so much pain that you'll need to sort it out or your relationship will end.
I do hear your pain (I have had nights like you're enduring and know how awful they were for me) and wish you the best in sorting this out. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:31:07 AM | OP you didn't tell us enough, for you to come here and try to resolve only means that you are not capable of resolving it. Remember this a public forum for everyone to see. You wuld have been better off to talk to one of your close friends, that itself would have been the mature thing to do.
He is not being childish he's avoiding conflict. I guess he thinks it will happen again so he is avoiding it. Just because one says I love you doesn't solve the problem. I don't know how you argued but you should argue fairly. If you go to Dr Phil's site it shows how to argue fairly.
I am guessing he works and you don't, do you honestly think he wants to spend work all day and come home to argue. I think not, he wants to go where he can relax and think. Probably better off, that was he doesn't say something hurtful that he will regret later. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:45:24 AM | OP
IMO, his action (or lack of) shows a problem. You described my ex-wife to a T. If this is consistant in your relationship, becareful. My ex turned out to have a behavioural disorder.
"He is not being childish he's avoiding conflict. I guess he thinks it will happen again so he is avoiding it."
Your entitled to your opinion, but consider, he claims "adults in a committed relationship work through any conflict", that isn't happening.
I realize situations are different, like the folks involved in them, but the OP hit close to home for me.
Good Luck | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:53:05 AM |
When I met my boyfriend, one of the things that attracted me was his insistence that as adults in a committed relationship, we would work through any conflict.
This struck me more than anything else you said. It seems to me that this was a warning to you; he was telling you that this is huge to him and it's probably due to past problematic relationships. I get the feeling, based on this statement, coupled with the actions he took part in, that this is an issue that played out in the past that he wants to change, but doesn't know how to. It kinda seems like he's placing expectations on you to either teach him new coping skills, or just not do anything that will cause conflict.
Apparently, what played out last night is the way things played out in the past, too (not being resolved and just swept under the rug) and that's why he shut down. That's something he can't handle, so please take this seriously. I also get the feeling that he cannot handle confrontation, even tho he may realize that confronting things is the best way to resolve them. Does it makes him childish? Sure, but I think it's more that his coping skills were arrested somewhere along the way; his coping skills are childish. It doesn't make him wrong or bad.
That said, until he decides to learn new coping skills, you're pretty much pyssing in the wind. You can change your own ways of handling him, but you cannot change his way of handling you. There is an opportunity available to you during these times because your actions and reactivity can influence him, but only as much as he's willing to allow it. He has to want change to take place enough so to actually change. Change is hard.
I've struggled through my husbands mine fields for 2 years now and it's taken all of that time to learn his patterns and how to handle them. Tho I've invested a great deal in learning him and understanding him, I'm up against a brick wall until he decides it's time for a better way and is willing to come aboard as we carve out our own way.
Whereas it used to rip me into and leave me spinning, now I know that he's off busily licking his wounds and processing. He'll be back when he's sick of it and is in a better position to face it. It sucks, but I know him well enough to know that he cares enough to invest in both himself and us, and I know him well enough to understand what all this is about, so I'm willing to ride through this with him. He's made lots of progress, but he's still a pansy/idiot when it comes to his emotions.  | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:54:20 AM | Good grief... what is it with prissy madonna's and hot house flowers... they are the first to throw psycho-babble bullshit at you to try to get you to play the 'game', whilst they do absolutely NOTHING to step up to the mark themselves.
Then there are the intelligencia, who usually due to having a bright intelligent mind that decides to try to 'civilise' the obvious comedy of manners.
Yet there are so many others not so, who have perfect harmony in their relationships whilst having (manageable) normal healthy arguments.
Lets face it everyone handles disagreements or full blown arguments in their own unique way.  Those that talk of being advocates of healthy conflict management are often the most emotionally challenged, and will sulk, pout, punish, manipulate, undermine etc... passive aggressive for example.
The grown ups in us, get past disagreements but talking about it and resolving with a plan that is consistent and aiming to avoid repetitions of the same. 
In the OP's case it just seems that the two people are of different emotional maturity and that poses a difficulty because it means that there is a gulf that needs bridging and for me personally it is hard to.
I am impatient with men who have the maturity of a five year old.
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:54:32 AM | wow. rune's post speaks so much truth to me - i hope it is equally helpful for you too, op. margo's also offers some real tools for help for you.
my only additions would be to remind you that you can't change him, you can't change his behavior, his reactions, his actions, his defense mechanisms, any more than he can change yours.
but you can change your own. and by doing so, remarkably, quite often, the mirror that is him will also change.
the most basic wisdom i've ever been given for any conflict, even down to seeing a child and mother in a supermarket having trouble, is to pour love into the situation. and even if not 'processed' openly, because sometimes the work we need to do is strictly for us and by us and can only be done with us alone - even without discussing your blanketing the whole situation and him and you in love, you may find just doing it can make a huge difference.
also know, please, no matter what you do, you can not be responsible for what he is going through, nor is he technically responsible for what you are either. meaning you both created this situation, this relationship energy that you are now in. and so, part of this i think is to trust that whatever happens is going to be for the highest good for everybody.....so it may not turn out how you wish, but it will turn out as it is meant to. good luck. you are processing what so many of us know so well and have not been terribly successful at in some relationships no matter how much we wished it to be different.
Edit to add: just seen it, funny girl's post also is worth studying and it speaks from a personal place that you might relate to, op (especially the end bit :). | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 4:59:43 AM |
This struck me more than anything else you said. It seems to me that this was a warning to you; he was telling you that this is huge to him and it's probably due to past problematic relationships.
This kind of stuck out to me too, but in a bit different way. Mainly because, if he really felt this was an important enough thing to him that he had to warn you in advance, then why isn't he suiting his own actions to his words? Disappearing on someone and saying "I won't be home" doesn't strike me as being good, open communication...it smacks to me of someone just being a selfish jacka$$ to be honest.
Maybe I'm just old and crotchety, but I'd probably respond by saying "Okay, well when you decide to finally come down off that cross and behave like an actual grown-up, maybe we'll talk." | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 5:13:24 AM | Hmmm...great idea he had....but as we know, an idea without practice or actually living it...is simply a statement...and it could be true...or it could even be fantasy.
he might've just as well said...before we get married, I will spin all of your hair into gold, and we will live in luxury forever.
that's why I agree, that it is important to wait until he cools it a bit, and then talk it through, i think Margo alluded to this...but, I'm sure you have already recognized this as part of his 'pattern' by now, yes?
A good long term friend of mine has practised anger management and conflict resolution...taken many courses in it...and you know what....she is still pissed off and starting trouble where there is none sometimes.
Walk....vs......Talk
but Silken Fire said :
When someone goes out for the evening on the heels of an argument, I tend to think the argument has been "engineered"...
In this case, I think the answer is in and around there somewhere...trust this
peace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KimbO | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 5:51:21 AM |
Disappearing on someone and saying "I won't be home" doesn't strike me as being good, open communication...it smacks to me of someone just being a selfish jacka$$ to be honest.
Well yeah, it smacks of manipulation and a desire to punish her until she comes aboard to his way of thinking. But it's poor coping skills all the same, likely based on an inability to handle confrontation. Sometimes, we just can't process in the heat of the moment, we have to remove ourselves so as to not escalate and to figure out why we're reacting as we are. I think it would've been more responsible and effective for him to just say "I need to be alone for a bit and I'll be in touch".
Where most of us screw up is that we fall into reactive mode and when we continue to do so, the downward spiral begins. If she were to simply say "I'll be here when you're ready to talk with me" and nothing more, she'll be sharing in the responsibility and issuing the invitation for him to do the same. She's opening the door, he'll have to choose to walk through it or not. This way, she isn't judging his behavior (that'll just send things even further south) but she is sending the message that he needs to be responsible and accountable, just as she is.
Now, simply communicating that we're open to further discussion once we've calmed doesn't mean that we're not still angry and hurt. But until we're able to talk openly again, it's best to simply focus on ourselves and the part we played. Overly focusing on the other person and what they did/said often leads to "right/wrong" thinking, and there's little room in relationships for that, plus it shifts responsibility onto them. It takes 2 to drop the ball and it takes two to pick it back up.
It always pays to think about our own actions and how to improve ourselves, regardless of the outcome of the particular situation we're in. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:22:15 AM | | Apparently he realizes that resolving conflicts is a problem... It's a shame that he seems unwilling to accept the responsibility that the problem may be completely his! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:43:47 AM | Those that talk of being advocates of healthy conflict management are often the most emotionally challenged, and will sulk, pout, punish, manipulate, undermine etc... passive aggressive for example.
Seems everybody so far has offered some very good insight into the OP’s dilemma. But I believe what Sphinx has said to be dead on. In my experience, whether in a romantic relationship, platonic friendship, familial association or even with casual acquaintances, those who tend to sing their own praises or extol their “virtues” (especially when done ‘loudly’ and repeatedly) are often the ones most lacking in said virtues.
Whether they are projecting a mere fantasy of how they wish to be, or have actually deluded themselves into believing that they truly are (fill in virtue of choice here)…it brings to mind the famous quote:
“Me thinks thou doth protest too much.”
If she were to simply say "I'll be here when you're ready to talk with me" and nothing more, she'll be sharing in the responsibility and issuing the invitation for him to do the same. She's opening the door, he'll have to choose to walk through it or not. This way, she isn't judging his behavior (that'll just send things even further south) but she is sending the message that he needs to be responsible and accountable, just as she is.
This, in my opinion, is an excellent example of somebody who truly understands the meaning of effective communication, particularly as it pertains to resolving a conflict. Alas, I think there are some people for whom this logical and rational approach would fail, simply because they, themselves, fail to see things in a logical/rational manner to begin with. Which brings me to (yet) another quote:
Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it. (David Starr Jordan)
OP: Whatever the underlying cause of your partner’s behavior may be (childish, personality disorder, an engineered plan) it seems evident that his ability/willingness to work through conflict is, contrary to his original claim, non-existent, or at the very least, severely lacking.
So going back to your opening statement:
When I met my boyfriend, one of the things that attracted me was his insistence that as adults in a committed relationship, we would work through any conflict.
…hopefully there are many other real qualities he possesses and brings to the relationship that you also find attractive. Personally, though, this one is a biggy and the absence of it would be a deal breaker for me.  | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 7:02:57 AM | Quite often when people make comments that are tantamount to announcements because they are not part of a conversation on the subject in question, they are suspect because unless you are trying to convince yourself or someone of something, this type of thing is usually a bit of a red flag.
Also, people see problems in others that they do not recognize in themselves so while they see the lack of communication in their partner, they do not recognize that they too have the same issue, whether they had it going into the relationship, or developed it during the relationship and kept it as they came out, they are no better at communicating than the X they maligned for the very same reason.
Communication is a skill that one should practice and hone and when left unattended as it would be if the individual was with someone that could not, it is rusty. Whether it can be fixed with use and a little oil is questionable and it sounds like in his case, might require professional help. Ask yourself if it never gets any better than today, do I want to stick around for this? If not, you prod him to get counseling because on his own, it's not going to improve. Trust me, lived that way for 14 years, not fun. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 7:16:55 AM | Wait I'm still trying to get pass "don't fix dinner for me tonight" Huh?
And does telling someone you" love" them make everything ok? Like it a cure all to saving what is crumbling at the foundation
Without being privy to the actual argument .if this is a subject that has been visited before. I suggest you either do one of 2 things .. resolve it or resolve it . Seek help or Seek help
There are such things now as relationship professionals
Seek help asap if you value this relationship | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 7:17:12 AM |
When I met my boyfriend, one of the things that attracted me was his insistence that as adults in a committed relationship, we would work through any conflict.
When you first meet someone, they’re akin to a corporeal profile. Often they will assert the same clichéd claims (e.g., I’m laid back; I’m honest; I’m a gentleman; I’m communicative; I’m, I’m, I’m----I’m nauseous). They will maintain the façade that attracted you to them as long as possible in order to reel you in. If you’re lucky, they truly are all that they claim to be, but we all know there will be plenty who are not. The worst scenario is when, as in the case of your BF, they end up being the extreme opposite of who they said they were.
As for advice on what to do about your immature man-child of a BF, if he is near your age, his behavior, defense mechanisms, coping skills, etc., are well ingrained into his psyche. This IS who he truly is, and has been for many, many years. Diagnosis: He will never change. This would be a deal-breaker for me. | |
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