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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:21:19 AM | ..you would think that my heart would be hardened since my husband died. that having gone thru and still to an extent that is unexplainable will go thru grieving his loss that I would be tougher.
this isn't the case, I've allowed someone to get into my heart and now by his actions or should I say inactions my heart is breaking all over again.
I know I, and probably he made the mistake of going too fast too soon and because of other factors ( ie distance for one), I expected things that just arent' going to happen.
another hard issue is that I am coming across as controlling and insecure to this person ( which I know are issues to me, but for particular issues in our case isn't a factor what so ever)
Another factor is anger on my part, which I feel I am right to have. This person, does not communicate with me ( and in this age of technology - there isn't an excuse), and I'm not talking about hours upon hours of conversation here. It angers me that one can't return a simple phone call or send a short email. I don't believe one is that busy.
There will be those of you that say, he just wasn't into you. So if that be the case, ( and I don't know for certain), then I say "man up", let me know. Sure it will hurt, but better to know the truth than to not know at all.
...so now I'm sad, and I don't think I can take more of the uncertainity in my life right now. I'd like to have someone special in my life right now, I think I deserve it. I'm so not perfect, but I'm not that bad either.
..thanks for reading my "rant"
take care
G | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:43:23 AM | I guess I am the first to reply here, and would say that perhaps your note can be disseminated as follows:
Being heartbroken isn't a state that changes overnight, as long as that person is missing from your life the feelings remain with you, along with memories and hopes of how it could be. You may find it difficult to discover inner serenity but this doesn't mean that you are being punished and won't connect again with others in the future who have the same integrity towards you as you show them.
I am sorry that the new man you met hasn't lived up to your expectations, but sometimes that happens, and whilst it can be disappointing it is better to dust yourself off and pick yourself up and accept that you won't get closure with someone who just doesn't want to justify themselves to you.
I think rebuilding your self esteem may help you resolve the past issues and if you can focus on this facet of your beautiful nature than you have accomplished something that can help you to face the rejection that currently feels like a knife.
Stay strong, if you leave now you may miss out on the new friend who may want to reach out to you, and if you change your profile settings so that women can hello as friends to you, you would discover a richer world of people rather than a cold world of dating only. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:51:22 AM | I understand much of what your saying, though I believe based on what you said and your profile, you probably don't belong here. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
You in your personal life have a lot going on. School, kids, and grief that I don't think you have totally dealt with yet. There is nothing wrong with you being here to have casual dates, for the purpose of socialization. Most people here seek a more long lasting bond with another and I'm not sure your ready for that. This means I don't know how successful you'll be at finding a casual dater not just interested in sex.
Finally two things, first with your heavy load deluding yourself into believing you could make a long distance relationship work is foolish. I understand about your rant, and you have a right to your preferences, though how you express them to your partner will have an effect on what is heard. Last thing is you need counseling. You mention several issues, I think it all relates to one, grief, your acting controling, your anger, all these actions seem to stem from your loss. Heal your self through therapy, other actions and take your self off the market till this is done, maybe 6 months, maybe a year. My 2 cents, Bob | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:57:20 AM | It is possible that two people may like each other, but are just not compatible in ways that are important to you.
It doesn't make either one right or wrong, good or bad... just different.
Look for someone with similar needs as yourself and you'll have a better outcome. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:16:33 AM | Honey, if I were closer, I'd pop over and give you a hug.
It's been such a short time since you lost you husband.
Everything is fresh and raw.
I would not delete my account but would hide it and take a time out.
Stay for the forums.
Take care of yourself.....treat yourself and do things just for you.
You need your family and people who know you, right now.
Those are the ones who know you best and will come close to filling your emotional needs.
Have you considered counseling?
Grief is different for everyone and a great counselor can help in sorting out things...and someone you can unload your feelings on.
For me, I would choose a christian counselor...but that's me.
I read your profile and this is my way of thinking, mind you.....
I would remove the part about losing your spouse........with all the bottom feeders around, it's a red flag/signal, (and for the lowest, an invitation to prey), of how vulnerable you might be.
It sounds like the guy classified you as needy and thought he could string you along and take you for granted.....and you'd accept any crumb he might sling your way.
Another lout.......not worthy of a fine woman, such as yourself.
His loss.....your gain.
Sugar, one day at a time.
Be kind and gentle to yourself.
If you need someone to talk to.........I'm a click away.
ceeceekitty | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:20:59 AM | | In my experience you never really get over the death of a loved one you just get used to it, But it will get easier. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:25:49 AM | He is probably just not ready to move on as fast as you are. I don't know how long you have been a widow.. but if it hasnt been all that long perhaps you shouldnt be moving that fast. Take your time... filter out the people... get to know them.
Ro | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:39:01 AM | Maybe it would help to view this experience as a 'transition'.
After the death of a loved one or a divorce or the breakup of a relationship, most people have a transition period, even if they don't think of it like that. It seems it takes most people about 2 years to truly be able to start to move on, so anyone you meet in that in between time is more a temporary 'fix' (there are exceptions). You've already survived the loss of your husband and you've had to deal with the reality of the shattered dreams of the life you had or wanted to have with him, so this short term relationship shouldn't completely break you down. You already know that you're stronger than that. View this as a temporary 'getting back in the saddle' sort of deal and realize there are a lot of people out there with no manners or sense of courtesy for the feelings of others. Don't allow yourself to become bitter and just move on. Lesson learned. You're probably a lot better off without this guy than you even know.
Good luck! | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:47:18 AM |
..you would think that my heart would be hardened since my husband died. that having gone thru and still to an extent that is unexplainable will go thru grieving his loss that I would be tougher
Not sure how long ago your husband passed away, my loss is still very recent, only being 17 days. But even now I can say that it is natural to not want to be alone, no matter what has happened. I don't think it will harden your heart or make you want to be alone.
Even though my head is so screwed up right now and I feel I'm not a good person to be giving advice, I can't even help myselft right now, I do have just a few comments about your post.
If this person that you have been with, does not communicate with you, I think that is their way of saying that they do not want to. Everyone has their own way, but I don't think that is an uncommon way. Don't waste your time with this person, you are only going to hurt yourself more by doing so. When you find the right person, you will know it. You will not have to ask that person to communicate with you, or to force it in any way, it will just happen. From experience I will say this, a bad relationship is much worse than no relationship at all. I'm sorry to say that, but if this person does not communicate with you, it is their way of 'letting you know'.
When you say you would like to have someone special in your life, of course you would, we all do, but there is no way to force that, just let it happen. I'm sure you deserve it, but in this life we do not always get what we deserve. Who deserves to tragically lose someone they love?
Just one more thing. If you don't want to be lone, why are you deleting your profile? Really, you shouldn't do that, you have to maintain contact with people to have any chance of not being alone.
I hope none of my words sound harsh, I feel for you, I am alone now also and I don't like it either. Just rant anytime and all you want, it is a good thing. I don't mind listening. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:47:27 AM | | i fully agree..with todays technology, there is no excuse whatsoever...dont lose no sleep over him...better fish in the sea.. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:15:10 AM | | Yeah, hang and do forums. I have been through two physical deaths and one mental illness that might as well have been his death. My latest, still not sure what happened to him, but I am alive and don't want to stop thinking that there could be a man that can fill my heart and pop those dang gone staples out that are holding my heart together. Chin up, there are women that had their boyfriends disappear on them when they are pregnant, always something worse you could be dealing with...yeah, tell me that when I am crying, but...I do get through, not over it all but through it to try and see the next rainbow. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:32:13 AM | YUP
no excuse
unless he forgot there are phones..
he is a jerk and playing a gam eof one-upness.
However I am missing some of the posts in the story.. so long distanceif that is it.. is tough.. and honestly you are nto the only woman whom a man on here just decided against adn oopps no mor e correspondence or calls and just a no shwo on the date.. very disrespectful and self-serving definitely .. but a product of his own selfishness.
Take good care'
there are some great people on here. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:35:12 AM | It al takes time, its all in the learning, its all experience, its all about the lessons you may need to learn, you might have to love yourself and be loved by friends and family now, maybe your dog (even)for now. I know its hard and what you feel you need is not there. But it will come. you already know life isnt fair, it just isnt your time now. I dont know more than that. But know that others out there are needing the same and its sometimes elusive when you need it most. Maybe YOU are the special person you need right now. Lots of people cant communicate and disappoint you but maybe you need YOU at your best.
Maybe speak to someone about the anger,about it all. a prfessional maybe. If you found someone amazing remember you were lucky, they are not all like tht, some are. Be GRATEFUL for what you had and that alone will change things favourably for you.
I feel for you, give it time and know you are not alone feeling this way. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:39:10 AM | Big cyber hugs! I agree with all the post here.. Sounds like the new guy isn't wired for compassion and that's what you need right now.
My advice and the only thing that got me through my tragedy, go to church look into your spiritual side and find peace there first.. Real Christians are the most compassionate people I know and prayer heals, I am proof!
Hang around for the forums and just enjoy the attention for awhile! | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:54:38 AM | Long distance is rough- period.
Now lets address your stuff here shall we-
I know I, and probably he made the mistake of going too fast too soon
Probably not- you were probably lonely, met someone you could
relate too, felt comfortable and it just happens. Believe me it happens to
the best of us. Nothing is too fast or too slow if it feels right to you.
another hard issue is that I am coming across as controlling and insecure to this person
Im going to take it that HIS actions caused your reactions to come across
like this to him and him making you feel this is the case. I have a feeling
its not with you. Him not calling, not talking, not being available caused
your insecurity- made you think there might be something else going on
and you are probably right. Most times our feelings are warnings to our
hearts to shut the hell up and think about the situation but of course
we ignore it.
I'd like to have someone special in my life right now, I think I deserve it. I'm so not perfect, but I'm not that bad either.
You do. We all do.
My advice to you is to stop beating yourself up over this. His actions towards
you have caused you to doubt who you are, how you feel and what you want.
Dont get hung up on trying to figure out why because the guy who is meant
for you to spend time with, who wants to talk to you for hours, who wants
to be in your company could pass you by.
Good luck my friend. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:05:28 AM | | Before you delete your account please write to me. I can not write to you due to the limit you placed on distance | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:18:39 AM | | no words can take away your pain so im just sending you all my love and a big gigantic cuddle x | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:20:17 AM | | please dont delete your profile I know exactly how you feel having lost my husband too - please contact me and we can at least talk about how all men are **stards if nothing else. I too have had my heart broken by a man who saw my vulnerability and used it to his advantage. We are lovely women and we deserve better treatment | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:54:59 PM | | I would like to express my sympathies to you, I have not experienced the death of a partner, but I did lose my father when I was ten years old and I still grieve over it now. I have been through divorce and went through a horrible breakup of a LDR (not of my accord though). My suggestion to you, take some time to yourself, I did for a full year and even though I'm here on POF, I'm still very leary of dating. At this point, it's all about you, doing things for yourself, learning about yourself. Join a gym, get counselling, it's all there to help you, I've done it and I couldn't be happier. I am a different person now and look at life with a different perspective. I'm sorry I'm so far away, but I send you hugs from Canada. I'm here to listen, if you wish. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:06:11 PM | They are right. You don't have to go. This is a wonderful community here, full of caring people. And please please don't judge all men (if he deserves to be called one) by the actions of one. There are some true gentlemen left, but some of us are stuck way down in Texas, working on an island, at night. Impossible to find lol.
I also have been thru loss, having been to too many funerals for someone my age. It will seem like the pain will just never go away. But for God's sake, don't let yourself become addicted to that pain. Don't let it scare you so much you come home to an empty house, and close your door anyway, and hide from the world. Don't let it chase you into a bottle. Don't let it distract you from your cubs, mother lioness. They need you to be as strong and protective as ever.
I hope you and your children will really pull together and draw strength from each other at this painful and confusing time. If you feel ready to search for another mate, you might consider talking to them about it. They will start feeling more protective of you now, so please don't leave them out of important decisions, especially if they are still at home with you. Watch out for them, they may start to blame themselves deep inside, and carry guilt and pain around for years, before finally realizing, years later, that they had no right to it. losing a father... I was eleven when mine was murdered... it really screws up the whole rest of your life. I hate to say it now, but my mother really dropped the ball. If it wasn't for my grandparents taking me in, and their good influence, I would probably be dead, in prison or worse. Even if it doesn't make sense, kids blame themselves for anything that causes their family members pain, because they were just kids, and couldn't prevent it, or fix it after the fact.
The pain will seem to linger, like a lump in your heart, like you swallowed a rock. Just don't ever blame yourself. Release any guilt and pain you have over it, because the truth is, you don't have any right to it. It's not really yours. What happened isn't your fault. This may sound cruel, but it's true. This is what I finally realized after many years of carrying around pain that I didn't need. From something that wasn't my fault. I had no right to blame myself for so long, and I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. My father wouldn't want me being miserable and hurting. Besides, I know for a fact that this life is not the end. I have encountered spirits, right in my own home. They are just people without bodies, nothing to be afraid of. I know they come back from time to time to have a peek, and just see what's going on.
I'm not sure what they do on the "other side", but I know it has to do with giving us things. Knowledge, Protection, Gifts, Advice. Why else would they come back from heaven, from paradise, unless they love us very much? Everything will be fine, and work out for the best. After everything I've been thru, I've asked myself all the usual questions.
Why does God let bad things happen to good people? To find out who is really on his side. Why do people have to die? People never really die, they just move on to a higher level of order. What is the meaning of life, why are we here? The meaning of life, is to live. Something many of us forget to do, all busy with ambition and careers and money. Rest assured, nothing is random, everything happens for a reason.
I will pray to God for you and yours, that you will become stronger and closer. I know if I died and left behind a family, I would want my wife to go on and live a life, and be happy. I would want my children to not be held back or burdened with anything. It's thru our kids that we live forever, now you can still love your husband thru them, because a part of him is in there.
It will take a very special, gentle soul to come into your life now. I cannot really give you any advice on that, it's something I've never had to face. I would say just be patient. When you finally do meet that special person, you will have had to wait from now to then anyway, however long that is.
Anyway, I know I'm just a stranger and I don't know you, so I have no right to make any judgements or anything, which I'm not, and I hope I haven't offended you with any of this, I just hope some of it may help. Just ask yourself which is more true, that you "are tired of not having someone to love" or "tired of being alone". It is a subtle difference. If you're just trying to fill a need, that's no basis for love. But, if you're really looking for someone new to give to, well then.... damn. You are just amazing. | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:14:36 PM | This guy isnt right for you for many reasons that you have stated, also if someone cant be bothered to take the time to call isnt worth the heartache. Your obviously still going through alot of grieving in your personal life which needs to be treated before even contemplating another partner. We are all only human and sometimes let our emotions rule our heart. Your strength is deep within you just need to find it and use it to guide you through hard times! Theres so much we can all say but only you know what is best for you. Maybe take time to find yourself and deal with your your anger and grief then once your at a stage where you feel at peace in your life will you then find true love, no-one will ever replace your husband so maybe thats what that guy was thinking you were doing which is why he acted the way he did towards you. I wish you all the best and hope you stay on here to make friends and maybe more!!!
DONT GIVE UP | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/12/2008 2:29:27 PM | | OP, although I am only 30, I do understand your grief, I was a single mother at the age of 19 cause my parnter died in a car accident, just never came home, never could say goodbye, then was in a 8 year relationship with a man that I have my 3 three old daughter with and b/c of his love of drugs & partying and not us, he died as well last June/07. I then most recently was with someone from Oct of last year to May of this year...with the first man, after he died, I waited a year and a half before I met my second daughters father...I needed time to heal, then I ended the relationship with my 2nd daughters father just after she was born because he couldn't get his head on straight, so I was single for three years before I met my most recent ex...I asked all the right questions and thought that I finally had it right this time, however the man although he is not evil or a horrible person, he lied frequently, thus forcing me to end the realtionship...I know your pain and many times I get frustrated and want to just say forget it all but God knows you true hearts desire and one day he will bring the man that will do right by you, when the time is right for you both...peace and love to you...I know just how hard it is my dear and I have dealt with losing love to death twice...not f-in fun I tell you, but be strong... | |
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| Before I delete my profile
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:40:38 PM | OP I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. That must be very hard.
In regards to your heart, well you are 1/2 responsible for this. You did the classic internet mistake of getting too serious too fast. ON the internet it should take even longer than in real dating. You chose this guy and the actions that you did so again, part of this is on you too.
he didn't communicate because this is the internet. Many online are very flaky; You dont go by the words of someone, you go by the actions. If they say they think of you often but never contact you, well guess what; they are not thinking of you often.
if you are not a whole person, you should not be dating. You seem like you are very upset still and many men would be turned off by an angry person that says,"i'm ok to date; I'm really not that bad." Thats not exactly what men are looking for.
Again, you can only control your actions and the way you allow someone to treat you. If he's non responsive, then you talk to them about it; no blow ups; and if they dont respond, you move on. Good luck. | |
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