| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:47:38 PM | ....for real.
My plan was, to take her down to the beach just before sunset. I was going to bring some fishing poles and set them up in the sand where we could watch them while we drank some wine and talked. The fishing was very secondary.
Times are tough right now in my line of work and my intention was to create a memorable yet inexpensive first date. She knows all about my financial situation (she's actually going through similar circumstances herself) and I wanted to be fun and play up the "cheap date" routine. Okay, so, to begin with, I figured a nice bottle of red wine would be a good start, although I wasn't exactly sure if she liked red wine. No probs though, I made sure I brought along something to drink that I knew she liked, just in case. Oh, and to carry out the "cheap" theme I also grabbed some plastic cups for us to drink the wine. I then stopped by 7-11 and grabbed a few of those small "beer can bags" off the counter and bought some tea lights...(Off topic: Who knew you could buy 50 tea lights for 2 bucks? Man! What a Deal! Not exactly sure what I'll do with the other 47 but shoot, if I spend 10 more bucks on tea lights, I could probably tile the bathroom with them).....Anyway, back to "the plan", the bags and the tea lights were so I could make little lanterns to set around the blanket we were going to sit on...I use the word blanket loosely, because, I had another idea which was to use a Twister mat instead of a blanket. I thought that went nicely with the theme so, that's what I did. Gotta have cheese and crackers with wine and a quick stop at the grocery store and my basket was complete with two packs of Lunchables...Ham & Swiss and Ham & Cheddar.
Well, it started raining a couple hours before our date and never stopped....
Not one to let that stand in the way, I changed the location of our date to the back lanai of my house....over looking the pool. The only thing that was ruined was obviously, the fishing part of the plan. NBD.
Anyway, she absolutely loved everything. We had a great time. Laughing and talking for almost 4 hours. She repeatedly told me how no one had ever done anything like this for her and how impressed she was that I went to all the "trouble" to put it together and keep it together despite the rain. We even had our first kiss before she had to leave. I was thinking it was a great success.
I say she "had" to leave because, that is the truth. She is newly single after a 15 year marriage and her 13 year old daughter is making huge demands on her time and we both understand that she needs to be there for her daughter right now above all else. She also has an ex that called a couple of times during our date and gave her grief about being out with a "friend". Apparently this morning he took it to another level and got nasty with her about it.
So she calls me today and thanks me for the wonderful time and then says she's going to have to back off a bit because of everything that's going on in her life right now and she just doesn't want the hassles at the moment plus she's been in a relationship nearly all her life and she wants to just be on her own for awhile to take care of her daughter.
I know she likes me and I completely understand where she's coming from. I've told her more than once that i have no problem seeing her every now and then when she gets some time or just keeping in touch by phone and text until things get better for her and she seems appreciative for that....However, today it felt more like, I don't know, like she didn't want to see me anymore and she actually said she'll get in touch with me when things are better.
I took this to mean, don't call me, I'll call you....which is fine....I know what she's going through....It's just a little confusing because things were going so great...
Do you think she got cold feet or is it the threats and nastiness from the ex and the demands of her daughter....or did I scare her off by showing her that I liked her, maybe too much with all the thought I put into the date?
I was on top of the world yesterday and now, I feel confused and lonely again.
Maybe I'm just bi-polar. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:59:56 PM |
Do you think she got cold feet or is it the threats and nastiness from the ex and the demands of her daughter....or did I scare her off by showing her that I liked her, maybe too much with all the thought I put into the date?
That's impossible to answer since I am not in her head. It could be any one or all of those things. Time will tell... | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:02:34 PM | i wouldnt dare go to the forest, lake, river or whatever on first date with a guy who i never met.
Second date, yes.
to answer your questions...
In my opinion....
when someone is still going thru ex problems, yes you were moving too fast so that probably scared her. When someone said she needs time alone, usually means she does. Phone calls to me is not a lone, thats still a reminder. When she feels she is ready to talk to you again, she will. Its hard to think and know what you want when your ex or a date kept calling or texting or emailing you...so it can be a bit annoying. AND some girls dont like desperate men and you seem desperate. I say leave her alone but from time to time, say once every 2 weeks send her an email asking how she is doing and leave it short. Dont act so desperate like begging for her to see you.
Anyways...just my opinion  | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:06:15 PM | I'm not desperate in the least but you're right, kit , I think I may have showed her too much too soon.
I hate these games you have to play.
BTW, I've first met this girl 20 years ago...we've even been out in social settings together recently....This was our first "official date"...just the two of us, alone...:) | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:07:21 PM | or is it the threats and nastiness from the ex and the demands of her daughter
Possibly.
The Ex may have guilt tripped her, she is vulnerable and therefore she's taking a stance on this, thus her backing off some.
Still, she's explained how she feels and what she thinks is best for her, my advice is for you to simply support her, but let her know you'll be happy to hear from her and request she call you if she needs to talk.
I, personally, thought you did wondrous job of the first date, and should the woman you saw been at a very different place in her life, I dare say you and she would be hitting it off like a house on fire.
Give her space, but you need to move on. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:11:14 PM | It might have been a little much for a first date, but it really depends on the people involved. Women love romantic but a romantic first date is always a risk. For a first date it can either go really well or really badly, especially when they don't expect it or it turns out they aren't really into you. It sounds like she enjoyed it. Everyone one has differing opinions about getting a kiss. You'll never know what it means to her without asking her...
I'm no expert but I think it's pretty clear from what you've said, she just isn't ready to date right now. To do that she has to be available, in the right frame of mind, be detached from exs (both emotionally and he has to leave her be) and have time for someone else in her life. I would keep fishing and if you are interested, keep in touch with her. When she's ready she might be more interested. I wouldn't hold your breath for her though. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:17:21 PM | Obviously that's what it means
(((I took this to mean, don't call me, I'll call you....which is fine....I know what she's going through....It's just a little confusing because things were going so great..)))
Anything more than that how would we know? Be thankful the WOMAN MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOU.
If you don't hear from her .....wait 2 weeks and call just to "say hi". Obviously even a statement like "i have no problem seeing her every now and then when she gets some time or just keeping in touch by phone an" would still be too much to her coming from you.
Then she can ask you out, otherwise, don't mention "seeing her". | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:41:27 PM |
the thing is if she wasnt really ready to date again, she shouldnt be here on this site. So i think she doesnt know what she wants.
I don't think anyone has the right to say whether someone "should" or "shouldn't" be on this site. She can be here if she wants to, just like anyone else. Part of the post-divorce process is finding your way back into the dating world. Who are you or anyone else to say what is or isn't right for another person? | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:48:40 PM | OH Cmon!!! so you want some guy who wasnt ready to move on from his ex, take you out and treat you so good and lay the bomb on you saying sorry sweetie im not ready to make a commit. oh thats GREAT!!!! go for that guy and see how that feels when you fall for him. goodluck on that hun | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:55:42 PM | I havent' a clue; if money was tight you should have just met for coffee or something. I think it looks like you are trying way too hard; if someone did that to me I would feel uncomfortable and not go out with them again. Your trying to be memorable and romantic and she doesn't even know if she wants that from you. I think its too much too soon.
First dates are for talking and getting to know someone. Not romance. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:56:17 PM |
says she's going to have to back off a bit because of everything that's going on in her life right now and she just doesn't want the hassles at the moment plus she's been in a relationship nearly all her life and she wants to just be on her own for awhile to take care of her daughter.
I don't see anything in here about her not being over her ex. It amazes me how some people can so completely twist the words of others to fit their own agenda. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:06:03 PM | | Sounds a little bit like cold feet to me, or she's just a little overwhelemed with starting a new relationship. Give her some time to her self, and I think she will come back around. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:56:44 PM |
I don't see anything in here about her not being over her ex. It amazes me how some people can so completely twist the words of others to fit their own agenda.
Her ex kept calling her every five minutes during there date, what does that tell ya?
It was pretty clear their breakup was fresh, so yeah she's still trying to move on or get over him. She needs to deal with her ex first before she can focus on her new relationship. Unless she just looking for a rebound to get over her ex which isnt cool to OP or any guy | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 4:42:27 PM | I gave a wrong impression to some on here, and tried to shoehorn an edit into a previous post because I was being stonewalled by the "2 posts out of 10" rule.
This girl is not a member of this site. She's not been on any dating sites as far as I know. She wasn't looking for a new relationship. We sorta ran into each other and started talking and through that we realized that we had known each other 20 years ago. For the last three weeks we have seen each other 4-5 times in social settings and talked and texted each other quite a bit.....The first date that I'm talking about here was just our first "official", just me and her, kind of date.....I hope that explains a little better about why I went to the extent I did to make the date memorable for both of us.
No, a typical first date would not get that sort of treatment. Not that we wouldn't do something fun or memorable, there would just be a lot less of the romantic overtones.
The rational confident side of me is sure that what she has told me is the truth....she just needs time......and I already told her to take as much time as she needed.....It's the sad insecure side that posted here asking for opinions from people who care enough to respond.
I wanted to share my story and share some human interaction with some other people to help the time go by, that's all.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words in some cases, and for stopping to help a stranger. You RAWK! | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:24:48 PM | | Maybe its something as simple as "she's just not that into you" and she didn't want to be mean about it or anything so she used the "so much in my life is going on right now" excuse. Think about this one fish, when you men go out with a woman and make her think you had a awesome time with her, then she never hears from you or she starts getting the brush off, why do men do that? Maybe its the same reason :) | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:14:50 PM | I'm so sorry Kit, I tried I really did. I felt for you but, I couldn't help....please, forgive me. 
Angel, you could be right but, I'm going to choose not to believe that. If i believe what she said, I'm happy and it could be true....If i believe what you said, I'm sad, and it may not be true...I'll take the former. But thanks. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:58:57 PM | One of the least underused secrets in life I've found is NOT even attempting to get into people's heads.
Most of the time we'll never know the "real" reason why someone did what they did. So what should we do? Move on and not wait around. If she comes back to you, you have a choice to make then, but until the time that she is free and open to you, keep looking and eventually something else will happen for you if you want it to.
Don't give up, there are a lot of people out there without serious complications who want to be in relationshiops. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:20:51 PM | I enjoyed reading your post, so thanks for taking the time to write it.
So my thought is that you probably didn't do anything wrong. I really think the issue has to do with her ex. She's still getting a lot of calls from her ex and her ex is attempting to be a controlling factor in her life. I suspect the breakup is still fresh and there are unresolved issues to deal with. I wouldn't be surprised if she is separated and her partner is still under the impression that they are going to be getting back together. Something similar happened to me. She swore she was divorced. It turned out she was barely"separated"; still living with the guy. There were plenty of unresolved issues. She'd sometimes get calls from him while we were out and either she'd wind up leaving or it would change the whole dynamic of our night out. Other times she'd drop our plans because "he'd" (sure it was her) want to do something and she wanted to keep him as a friend. It took about a month before I figured everything out. A lot of drama, and it was truly amazing to see how much control her had over her, considering she saw him an 'ex'. I'd let this one go and caulk it up to it being something along those lines rather than anything you've done wrong. . | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:24:04 PM | | Sounds like she has a lot on her plate. Who knows what happened when she got home......drama with the daughter or the ex. Maybe she didn't want to bring all that 'drama' into your life by continuing to see you. Sounds like an awesome date though....Kudo's to you! | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:38:17 PM | This is good advice.
One of the least underused secrets in life I've found is NOT even attempting to get into people's heads.
Most of the time we'll never know the "real" reason why someone did what they did. So what should we do? Move on and not wait around. If she comes back to you, you have a choice to make then, but until the time that she is free and open to you, keep looking and eventually something else will happen for you if you want it to.
Don't give up, there are a lot of people out there without serious complications who want to be in relationships.
As far as I'm concerned, I basically try to take people at their word. It's just easier than trying to read minds, figure out ulterior motives or other agendas. If she says it's just too complicated (as you say you understand), then take that for the truth. Sure, you could have easily had a great time as did she, then she got home to a confused and disillusioned daughter and had messages from a jack ass ex-hubby and she just decided that although you're a great guy the timing just is not good at all. That certainly happens. It may mean that eventually her life will become less complicated or it never will. Either way, there are lots of women out there and although she seems great to you now, it obviously isn't possible to happen right now.
With that says, from my vantage point you have 2 choices (okay, maybe more, but 2 basic ones). One, you could wait for her, when you do see her you can be supportive and hope that at some point her life gets better and you are able to get together. Two, you could move on and keep your options open and she either comes around or doesn't. That's how I see it, anyway. | |
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| For our first date, I wanted to take her fishing....
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:43:23 PM |
So she calls me today and thanks me for the wonderful time and then says she's going to have to back off a bit because of everything that's going on in her life right now and she just doesn't want the hassles at the moment plus she's been in a relationship nearly all her life and she wants to just be on her own for awhile to take care of her daughter.
Hmm, OP, I'm not psychic but I would bet money that she had a wonderful time but feels she has to back off because of everything she has going on right now. She probably doesn't want all the hassle from her ex plus the guilt about her daughter when she's trying to learn how to be single. After all, she's been in a relationship nearly all her life and maybe she just wants to be on her own for awhile.
she actually said she'll get in touch with me when things are better.
Again, not psychic, but I seem to be really in tune with this girl for some weird reason. I am 100% sure this means she will call you when things are better.
Don't let the trees get in the way of the forest. | |
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