| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:15:47 PM | OK - the universal advice people get about attracting people is something along the lines of "Be positive and exude confidence".
My question is this - for me, it would be phony to walk around like "Man, things are great!" if things weren't going great. I'll admit, I tend toward the negative but I'll be in a positive frame of mind if the situation calls for it; furthermore, I'm not full of myself. I'm fully aware of my strengths and limitations alike - I don't want to give this impression that I'm all strengths and no weaknesses.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to misrepresent myself just for the sake of being more attractive. If I don't act what I'm feeling, I feel dishonest and not genuine. Insincere. On the other hand, I'm told that I basically have to be a phony in order to be more attractive.
...sigh | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:22:03 PM | | Confidence is not pretending you have no fault or weakness. It is accepting those things and still being comfortable with who you are. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 12:08:59 AM | alexy..you didn't replied to his questions correctly.....
what if the things he wants to be comfortable with he does not have? what then?? | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 12:12:13 AM | DN, focus on your goals in life and do not care about women. Doing so will make you seem shameful and with no confidence. Go to social events meet people, and meet as many ladies as you can.
love the accomplishments you have made and how far you've gotten on your own. Loving yourself it the first thing you should accomplish
I myself have accomplish a lot without a lady by my side
I am about to get my BA in art and computer graphics and I am now close to getting what I want out of life, a good carrier. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 12:20:06 AM | | Alexy is right. Having confidence is not about strutting around as though you think you are completely perfect. No mere human has ever been perfect, and I would be willing to bet none ever will be in the future, either. Having confidence is about accepting your flaws. A confident person is able to like himself or herself and be content with who he or she is today. A confident person who, for example, has bad skin will realize that there is more to him than that and not be held back by his shortcomings. If they can't bring themselves to accept their flaws, they will either have to (a) fake it or (b) try to fix the problem. Obviously, the second is the better option. If you can't deal with your bad skin from the first example, either learn to pretend it doesn't affect you or go get yourself some laser treatments. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 12:26:12 AM | Dont see putting your best side in the spotlight as being phony.
If you were going to a job interview you'd do it, if you were selling your house/car.
As you get to know someone better it will naturally fade and they will want to learn about all aspects of you. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 12:36:35 AM |
alexy..you didn't replied to his questions correctly.....
I only reply to the misconseption of confidence as all strength and no weakness.
what if the things he wants to be comfortable with he does not have? what then??
Obvious answer is he must fix this thing he is unhappy. He can not expect other to be happy with him if he is not happy with himself. And fakeing this is nearly always transparent. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:12:12 AM |
He can not expect other to be happy with him if he is not happy with himself.
What does that mean? There isn’t a person on this earth that is perfectly happy with themselves. Someone should be “Happy” with someone because they want to, not as a result of the level of that person's self-image. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:23:01 AM | You used the word "perfectly" I did not.
In another way, if he is negative about himself, how do you think he appear to other? | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:27:07 AM | Good point alexy :) , so is it the face you put on that matters? I mean, its one or the other it can’t be both.  | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:48:06 AM |
Good point alexy :) , so is it the face you put on that matters? I mean, its one or the other it can’t be both.
I'm sorry, I do not understand. My bad English. :( | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 2:20:22 AM | | I guess the only example I can give is have you ever been happy with or comfortable with anyone male or female who is not happy with themselves? In others words, if we all said we would only accept or be happy with those who are happy with themselves then nobody would like anyone! We all have things we are unhappy with so “(OP) it would be phony to walk around like things are great when they are not” either you are honest or you put on a face to show the world pick one, there is no in-between :) | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 3:11:11 AM | OP is speaking of attracting others. Negativety and low self-estteem is unattractive. If my first date "tend toward negative" there would not be second date.
We all have problems, but how we let this affect our look on life and self worth is important. It is not dishonest to be a happy person or be positive in the face of our troubles.
However if he is in a bad time in his life or has bigger problems, and he can not be happy. It may be better to work on this before trying to attract anyone. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 3:23:32 AM | | I understand and agree for the most part, but the saying “for better or worse” keeps coming to mind. I guess that’s only after you get the girl, right But I see what you are saying. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 4:31:10 AM | I agree with Alexy.
Confidence is key and if he has issues in his life he has either not dealt with or has not accepted then it will make dating harder. Sometimes negative things happen that you have no control over but you learn how to deal with them and keep going. He needs to separate the negative things so they don't affect his confidence. It's not necessarily "better or for worse" though I understand where someone might get that idea. But it is important to be in as healthy a state of mind as possible. Otherwise it will effect dating and possibly other areas of life. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:46:44 AM | I'm told that I basically have to be a phony in order to be more attractive.
You know, I could do the same thing. My profile is kind of dark. Some even find it depressing. Some have told me I sound hopeless. Or without hope. But you know what? I am dark. And I am/do get depressed. Them are the breaks.
But you know what else...at least this way I'm being honest. And while it's impossible to present the "whole" me on a little one dimensional profile, I am giving an accurate representation on one facet of the "whole".
I've thought of revamping my profile. And I agree that one shouldn't be negative on there. But my "darkness" is as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes.
Sure, I could put some coloured contacts in to temporarily change the colour of my eyes, but wouldn't they eventually have to come out?
The way I see it is I'm not here to attract the masses. Trust me...I wouldn't be fishing with this profile if that was my intention. Haha.
I only care to connect with the one person who is right for me. And how would he know he's right for me if I don't at least show him a glimpse of the "real" me? 
Good luck to you my friend:)
JMO
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 7:40:54 AM | Just be yourself. Everyone has strengths and limitations and you will find someone who just accepts you for you. Why be phony? | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:45:34 AM | And sometimes when you "pretend" to be happy, you find that you actually BECOME happy.
Just smiling, even when you are NOT happy, can elevate your mood. Speaking in a happy tone can actually make you FEEL happy. Part of that is from inside, some chemical thing; but a large part of it comes from other people reflecting back on you--you smile, they smile, then you feel better because people are smiling at you, and cycle continues. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:54:46 AM | My question is this - for me, it would be phony to walk around like "Man, things are great!" if things weren't going great. I'll admit, I tend toward the negative but I'll be in a positive frame of mind if the situation calls for it; furthermore, I'm not full of myself. I'm fully aware of my strengths and limitations alike - I don't want to give this impression that I'm all strengths and no weaknesses.
Negative Neds need to stick with Negative Nellys. It's pretty simply OP, we attract that which we are. Knowing one's limitations, what one has or does not have does not equate to negativity. Negativity is an emotion or state of mental attitude, we choose how to feel about all things in life. If one chooses to be negative, you will present that in full force to all around you. That is vastly different than knowing limitations. Confidence? Entirely different concept than what you are speaking of. You aren't always a happy person, meet/date/fall in love with those who are not looking for PMA in their mate. It's pretty simple.  | |
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916ngo
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Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 20 | |
| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:57:51 AM | Everyone has a bad day once in a while, but most people don't tend to disrupt someone else's happy one to tell about their "not so great one."
Maybe you should work on "not letting things get to you". | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:12:51 AM | Feigned confidence is synonomous with****ness.
I tend to gravitate towards the negative too. However, I have a made conscious effort in the past year to be a bit more optimistic. For my sake, first and foremost.
Before you worry about how you appear to other people, figure out if you like how you appear to yourself. If not, make some small changes. For YOU.
Confidence is the ability to recognize and acknowledge your flaws AND strengths.
It sounds like you're mistaking confidence for****ness.
I know it's hard to believe, but most women want nothing to do with a**** guy and can spot them immediately. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:13:45 AM | | OK...I was censored! :-) co ckiness? Wonder if that'll work. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:29:20 AM | thank god the real world is not the same as the online world. Women are more willing to talk to guys in the real world. which is awesome. I think this online world really does give guys a negative view about women. Oh well, op, just have more confidence..the hard part is finding that confidence, it does not just come automatically and when you think that you are happy. It is something that builds over time, and even years, and something you just have to work at first. Women can say that you should have confidence and not be c0cky, yet!! once you get confidence and love yourself you will be ccky and will know who you are, cause once you find that confidence you reach a kind of mellow ccky level, not of the a$$ kind, but a confident kind. This is the kind of confidence women like. I know, cause it took year for me to find my own confidence and I am a little ccky at times, which shows ladies that I know what I want and have something about me that is confident. I do not know how to put it, it is just like being ccky, but not being at the same time...being honest...
man..it is confusing trying to put it, cause back when I didn't use to have confidence, women would tell me what it is and to just smile and to just be yourself....without laying out how to find it...well then..guys have to work hard at it and find it, without trying to make sense with what a lot of these women are trying to say. Cause!! once you find it..you know what it is and that it makes you happy.
good luck op | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:43:51 AM |
I'll admit, I tend toward the negative but I'll be in a positive frame of mind if the situation calls for it
If you can figure out what puts you in a positive frame of mind, and do those things, then being positive will not be "phony". For example, some people I know find that they are much happier after a hard workout at the gym or a long bike ride. I have other friends that get a charge out of learning something new or exploring some new knowledge.
On the flip side, you should avoid those situations that put you in a negative mood. It may also help to avoid negative people or discussions of topics that you find unpleasant. | |
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| What's a guy to do?
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:35:05 PM | It's not about lying. It's about choosing to adjust your focus.
Most people who lack confidence do so because their minds are set to focus more on their negative traits than their positive ones. They also tend to unintentionally focus on the bad aspects of daily life rather than the good ones.
You said it yourself. You'll be in a positive frame of mind if the situation calls for it. You're allowing the situation to dictate your mood. By doing this, you are surrendering control over your own life and allowing anyone and anything to decide how you should feel. You can choose not to do this. There is good in every bad situation, and there is bad in every good situation. It's all in what you choose to see. | |
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