| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:29:02 AM | When and how do you tell someone you are dating that you are still technically married, though quite divorced in your head and heart?
I have been in a protracted divorce proceeding for just over 2 years, with the end finally in sight. We own property, cars, a truck, mutual funds, retirement, 401K's, etc...
I just met a man I have fallen head over heels for, and was very honest with him about this. The afternoon went stellar and the connection definitely there, but when I next spoke with him, he told me he talked to his sister about this, and decided that since his ex had cheated on him, it was off. Buh-bye. I was devastated. I chose not to lie about it, and do not feel I am cheating, but he saw it very differently. How do you deal with it and what should I have said? Did I do the right thing? I chose not to go too deep into it, mostly out of fear I would say something nasty about how he was hiding nearly a half million dolllars from me and my attorney told me to hold out....I would love to hear any experiences and suggestions.  | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 2 | |
| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:35:03 AM | People who are still wounded look for reasons to run. He's looking for the perfect person...and except for that little thing called a 'Final Judgement', you aren't that. But be relieved...sounds like he would have found something else if he was willing to go to his sister on this one.
And frankly, do you want to be with a guy that runs to his sister for dating advice and then immediately takes it? Sounds to me like you took a few more smacks with his sister than just the not-yet-divoreced stuff...unlesss his sis is a control freak.
Heck, you should have told him about the half-mill...that would have kept him around for a while.
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:40:43 AM | | if hes a big a baby for talking with his sister about then shes a baby for posting and making a thread on it! I don't date seperated men, he did the right thing for him. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 5:47:37 PM | | Yeah never ever date someone is just separated. I dated a woman that been separated over 20 years. Her excuse for the benefits, like insurance, etc. A person going through divorce , no way a person can think clearly. My advice just be friends with a man til it blows over for a while. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:07:06 PM | Hi Austinbeauty...
First...you're not divorced yet and you've fallen head over healls with someone you just met? Ummm...how did that happen? You're not completely untangled from the previous marriage and you're falling for someone else? Maybe it's me but sounds more like rebound and the need for comfort from a guy. Nothing wrong with that but...you need time to be your own woman.
As far as the guy going to his sister, well maybe that's his confidante. But I'm guessing that she might have said something to him about him being the rebound--not saying that he is but there's a distinct possibility of that kind of conversation occurring.
Keep your head up and finish this nasty sounded business. Then get ready to start anew. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:20:28 PM | Personally I wouldn't be mad or run if you're still in a divorce, as long as it was said in the dating process... since after all I think thats when all baggage should be brought out on the table and if that person can accept that then it is up to him.
I wouldn't look it as a bad thing that you told him, your situation makes you who you are. Its up to him to except that. I don't really know how the situation went but personally if it was said after I got to know someone and started to fall for her like... "oh yeah by the way, I am still married... Surprise!" I would be a little upset. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:27:22 PM | | OP, I think you did right by being up front with him. However, I also feel that a person is either divorced or not. And legally, in many states, dating someone before the divorce is final IS considered cheating by the courts. Hopefully that's not the case in your state, because if it is and anyone finds out you are dating, you could jeopardize the outcome of the divorce. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:31:17 PM | ~OP~ Your profile states divorced. Change it to separated until the final Decree is entered into. Like it or not, that has been discussed about 3 million times here in forums and most agree: a lie is a lie is a lie, especially on the net because the profile is the first impression. Lie there, it's assumed you'll/he'll/she'll be lying in the real world.  | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:32:06 PM | | OP, I feel sorry for you, but I too must agree with indehills above. You are either married or divorced. Being separated for 6 plus months or 2 years, there is still a perception that you are officially not available. Maybe his sis is his confidant who helped him through sh*t whe he got cheated on before. For some of us, once married, unavailable for a loving long term relationship until officially divorced. Best of luck OP. Take care! | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 7:10:44 PM | If I had to pick the most common claims the newly divorced and/or separated make, I would say they claim that "their head and heart have been divorced for (fill in the blank) years/months" is probably one of the top 2 or 3 most claimed. Those of us that have been single a while can attest to this claim. We also know that once the ink is dry, no matter how long the divorce took or regardless of any of the circumstances of the marriage, there is another period of adjustment. Being remiss about legal marital status or actually lying is also very common..........usually followed by your heart/mind comment when the truth is revealed.
Personally, from what I've watched on both the male and the female side, it takes an average of 2 years after the "ink dries" for the heart, mind, habits, finding oneself, etc. to balance out. To an interested party, it means that becoming romantically involved with someone in your state carries a very high risk of them getting hurt, regardless of their past failed relationships or trust issues.
I'm sorry for your losses on both your marriage and this new relationship. It's a tough world in single land. What you have just gone through is one of the tougher moments for the newly single or divorcing though. I recommend you get the ink on the papers ASAP, and you might as well be truthful. Allow other's to decide for themselves if they want to risk it. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 7:46:39 PM | He was maintaining boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to him. Hey, at least he told you why and didn't just dissapear. I commend him for his strength.
Then again, I wonder why he didn't ask you to contact him again once the ink was dry. Red flag.
If he's been cheated on (been there, done that, got the divorce certificate), I can understand why he would stay clear away from somebody that's still married, even if it is only a technicality for you at this point in time. He has no idea if your STBX would like to reconcile, if there's a chance that you may return to the marriage and you're stringing him along, if you're using him to get back at the STBX or scare him into wanting you back, or if y'all are exactly as you say you are.
Also, I'd rather have him going to his sister to discuss his issues than his ex-wife or GF! Good siblings are there for each other.
As far as needing time to yourself after your divorce is final, I highly recommend it. Regardless of how emotionally checked-out of the relationship you feel right now, once that piece of paper is in your hands, it's kind of an "Oh WOW" moment, and you need time to process all of those feelings on your own. Being distracted by a new relationship won't avoid those feelings. It may delay the feelings for a while, but you also risk having them come out sideways half-way processed and not thought all the way through. It's usually destructive when that happens. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:07:53 PM | I don't believe you did anything wrong at all. When a divorce drags on for that long, a lot of people cannot understand how far removed from the spouse you've already become. While you probably will go through a bit of a rough time getting it finalized, as one who went through one that took 2.5 yrs, I can understand how you feel and honestly say that for me, the only issues left for the final year of it were the legal details.
As for him saying he couldn't date you because he was cheated on, I find it ridiculous that he would compare the two siutations in such a way.
To those who say the guy was staying within his own boundaries and what he was comfortable with, if he was so certain of his own feelings, why would he need his sister's opinion. Honestly, I think you're lucky you're out. I can only imagine if the relationship continued how often this guy would be running to his sister to figure out what HE wanted, needed and was acceptable to him.
I definitely would change your profile to seperated tho. You can certainly explain the situation a little in your about me but to say you're divorced when you don't yet have the final judgement is misleading initially. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:11:12 PM | Austinbeauty, I met a man on a dating sight. His profile said, "Divorced". After about the third week into dating, he told me that he was not divorced, but that in his heart he was. Still, to me, that is not fare. I mean, if your thinking your dating someone who is divorced, then they really should be legally divorced, cause relationships are hard enough to get started, but they are even harder, when all that extra stuff, follows along with it. And no matter what, if things are not resolved, in the clear, who ever your dating is going to have to be involved too. Not fare. I would put separated, until it's final. Be truthful, what's in the heart and what's in reality, are two different things dear. I know you said you were honest with the man, and that is a good thing, but the whole thing might have been too much for the guy you were dating and what is on your profile, should be where one starts with honesty, reality, taking the responsibility and attracting someone who will be willing to be involved. That's just truths.
Take the good out of the whole situation. Sorry your feelings got hurt, but it may be for the best down the road and good luck with all. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:29:30 AM | Well, my first experience with online dating was with a woman that listed herself as divorced.
During the fourth date she told me that she was divorced before and was currently in the process of going through another that was “protracted” so technically she was still married.
Each case is different but for me this “relationship” did not work out.
There are many reasons and conditions for “deal-breakers” but ultimately it doesn’t matter and each individual has the right to have them.
For some it could be smoking, for others it could be tattoos, religious beliefs, pets, children, political beliefs, and for some it could be legal marital status.
The “technically divorced” deal-breaker may be based on many things such as past experiences, religious/spiritual beliefs, comfort with a situation, personal preference, or whatever, it doesn’t really matter does it?
Yes, one of my deal breakers is the legal marital status. It doesn’t matter how I got here, but none the less this is where I’m coming from and part of who I am.
A few months ago I exchanged PoF messages with a woman that listed herself as divorced. I ended it the moment I learned that she was not yet legally divorced.
I’m not out to hurt anyone. My “Mail Settings” include “Must not be married”
To me that means “legally married.”
My suggestion is that you should change your profile status to “separated.” You could state in your profile that you are “still technically married, though quite divorced in your head and heart”.
At least that way, hopefully, you won’t find yourself in a situation where someone you developed hopes and feelings about, ends the relationship the moment he learns that you have one of his deal-breakers.
How do you deal with it? My suggestion is from Shakespeare’s Hamlet:
“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
I’m not judging you or anyone here, it’s just not my place. I can understand how difficult a situation a protracted divorce must be. This is just a little of my experience and a suggestion from my personal point of view. I wish you happiness and may all the best things find their way to you.
Ceij | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:37:25 AM | I tell people I've been separated since 1979 and haven't seen said husband since then, we have zero contact and I'm not looking to get married again. If that works for them, then maybe we'd be interested in seeing each other, if not, they certainly don't have to date me.  I won't stand there and be lectured about how this is wrong and they can't do it, and blah blah blah, a simple...that doesn't work for me...is fine.
We all have our preferences, I won't date men who keep FWB on the side or who are into strippers/strip clubs/bars. Men who like that sort of thing are fine, not my business, I just am not interested in them. So if someone isn't interested in me, not a problem, we just both move on. I see no reason to try to validate my life by someone else's standards, nor do I see any reason to try to force fit someone into mine. We agree and are attracted or we aren't. I don't waste my time trying to figure out why Joe Cool doesn't want me, who cares.  | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:45:09 AM | I too am in the same situation as you.
This is why I do not become sexual with any man until I am divorced.
Instead I form strong fun stable friendships with substance.
It shows respect to myself. -(Even my X )
and to any man I have become good friends with should a romance mutually begin to unfold as it builds a good trust foundation all around. | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:54:10 AM | | U should have gone & talked with the 'sister'..it may not be too late..i don't suppose u had sex with him already..did u?/I assume you live in seperate residences since the assets appear to be substantial?/ | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:59:40 AM |
he told me he talked to his sister about this, and decided that since his ex had cheated on him, it was off. Buh-bye.
You are better off without a man that cannot make his own decisions - about the women he wants to develop a relationship with! He has no backbone! He may always be relying on his sister to make any and all decisions - who wants to be in a relationship with a person like that?! | |
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:01:30 AM | OP, you're going to catch hell from some people about this... but shrug it off ok? I'm in almost exactly the same boat... My ex and I split up after a VERY brief 13 month marriage in August of 2006, and I've been trying to get it finalized ever since. I went on with my life a long time ago, and to me, except for the financial issues, she's more like an ex-girlfriend than an ex-wife. I not only don't care ANYTHING for her anymore, I don't even care to ever even SPEAK to her again, and I don't. Thank God the lawyers almost have it done now... I can't wait to change that on my profile! LOL!
It's been said that the opposite of love isn't "hate", it's "indifference", and that's pretty much how I feel about her, except that I won't allow her to remain in my life in any way, shape, form, or fashion, because she's just a toxic person, and I don't want those kinds of people even as friends...
Some people on here are very rational about the whole thing, and some just aren't. I've learned to appreciate that... If they can't be fair minded and rational about that, then they won't be about other issues in the future either... The women who have passed me by just because they see "separated" on my profile - too bad - their loss...
It just strikes me as really hypocritical tho - since so many of us have been there...
Mark
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:11:06 AM | Wait a minute OP... your profile says "Divorced", not "Separated"... That's a whole other can of worms... Yea, it would be a lot easier for me if I changed mine too, and I'd probably meet more people, but I just won't do that... Sounds like you kind of brought this one on yourself...
Mark
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| Telling your date you are in a protracted divorce
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:12:24 AM | My divorce took 5 years for many of the same reasons your is. I met someone who I fell head over heels for. Told him everything.
We had our ups and downs regarding the divorce including his family disapproving and trying to break us up. We actually did break up, but a few days later got together to talk it over and we decided to hang on together. We got married 2 weeks after the divorce was final.
So, yes you did the right thing. Full disclosure is always best. If you meant enough to him, he'd have stuck around. Besides you're not cheating if you're already in the process of divorce. It's his excuse to get out of it. Find someone who's willing to stick it out. | |
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