| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:19:43 PM | I just have a simple question....
I was introduced to a man who a neighbor of mine introduced me to. Hes around my age, and a very nice man and also very respectful of me. We have dated or saw one another now for at least 1 month. He calls all the time and we get together often. We only live 10-15 minutes apart, which is nice. We get together and do alot of talking and getting to know one another. He also told me that he has been married twice before and the last marriage done him in , because of the financial part and just the usual part of not being able to trust anyone. Since we have been dating, he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again. So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently? I am a very good woman and would lOVE to be married again because I do know I am not like alot of other women out here that MAY treat a man bad. I am a good woman with values and I am also with who I am with, so what would you all do in the similar situation? We have dated for a month and we get along great . No arguing, fussing or fighting. We have a good time when we go out and we do alot of talking but I am glad he is being honest in the beginning BUT also feels like hes NOT giving me a chance either. He is a good guy--he is also handicapped--which doesnt bother me at all--we are all gonna eventually have health problems....but he still works too....he called tonight and wants to go on a vacation with me....so what would you guys do or think at this point? | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:24:37 PM | If he said:
he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again I guess he means exactly that.
so what would you guys do or think at this point? I think he told you that he never wants to have anyone live with him again. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:29:37 PM |
Since we have been dating, he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again. So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently?
Ok, since I would say much the same thing, I will suggest that it means exactly what he's saying. He doesn't want to be 24/7/365 with anyone.
He may be interested in intimacy, physical and emotional, but is at a place in his life, where he knows that marriage, or living together, is not what he wants in life. He's looking for a lover and companion, when it suits both, but also wants to live a separate life.
I am a very good woman and would lOVE to be married again
Part of early dating is to discover if you have compatible life goals, wants and needs. It would seem that you and he don't.
I am glad he is being honest in the beginning BUT also feels like hes NOT giving me a chance either.
If "giving you a chance" means that he's "wrong" for not wanting what you want for his life, you're right. However, how is it wrong for someone to decide that he doesn't want to be married or living with someone, based on his point in life and life experience? | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:31:14 PM | | Well maybe who knows Scruffy---we may keep dating and get along and maybe on down the line-he may change his mind about me or us---thanks for the advice! | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:36:15 PM | | Thanks Scruffy! He has been a great friend and would do anything for me. So who knows what the future holds for any of us. All we can do is hope and pray and take one day at a time... | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:39:31 PM | Re the Opost:
"..So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently? ..."
It means that he is now wiser and that the most a woman can reasonably expect from him is a non-cohabitational LTR. Which is what many women ALSO want these days, especially in countries where the law counts cohabitation as a sort of "de facto marriage".
If the women thinks she can eventually change his mind, chances are she will be startibg a thread in some months or years on "why do men ......." | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:49:37 PM | Dead on, niick!
One of the major problems I have seen in relationships is the lack of communication, yet so many of the posts I see here start with, "What does she mean by...?" or "Why won't he...?" Wouldn't the best person to ask be your SO or the person in question? We second guess one another or turn to strangers on the internet for advice, when it would be so much better to go straight to the source. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:55:40 PM | It's only been a month..and if everything else is great..dont' worry so much about what 'could or couldn't be".
Man: Every woman I've been with has burned me financially
Woman: Every man I've been with has burned me emotionally
Enjoy what you have in this moment which is more than alot of us have in the relationship department.
Both genders get a bad wrap before they walk in the door...
I say..go on vacation..have a ball in each other's company..and maybe..he'll feel different after awhile..maybe he won't. Live in the moment with this man that seems to be such a fit for you! | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:09:55 PM | It sounds to me like playing 'house' has burned him in the past and he is not looking to make the same mistake(s) again and on one hand, his bitterness is understandable. On the other, he has to hope that by making NEVER statements, he doesn't scare away the exception to the rule. It sounds to me like he just needs time to lick his wounds and I think that sticking around with him through that, might just be what gets him to change his tune.
Best of luck!
~Dani | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:13:59 PM | I think the worst thing you can do is date someone hoping they will change or even worse, hoping to change them.
Its like dating someone of another religion and hoping you can convert them to yours.
If you want to eventually get married and he truly does not want anything even remotely as close as that, the best course of action is to devote your energies to someone else that can meet your needs. If you try to force him to change he'll only grow to resent you. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:15:15 PM | | Sounds like a great match to me. Enjoy what you have if it leads to even greater things down the road, great. If not.. then you undoubtedly met a great friend. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:20:41 PM |
It sounds to me like playing 'house' has burned him in the past and he is not looking to make the same mistake(s) again and on one hand, his bitterness is understandable
I don't know how one infers "bitterness" from someone making a decision that he doesn't want to cohabitate with anyone in the future, but is interested in having an intimate partner.
I would say the same thing, and I'm not angry or bitter. For me, I married at a time in life, where I wanted the whole "children and family" as a natural part of life, that was appropriate for someone in his late 20s. In making that committment, I accepted that children deserve two parents, and was willing to do what it takes to have an intact nuclear family for the purpose of raising children, even if the "love" of man for woman waned, as it did. I was married 20 years, my daughters are successful young women, who have a good relationship with both parents, and I don't regret all the years spent married.
Now, however, having more children, in my 50s, would not be a wise or appropriate choice. Yet, I still want intimacy in my life, but I'm not willing to give up my day to day autonomy, nor would there be a point staying in a relationship, when the time comes that the passion fades.
So, in fairness, I tell women, early on, that no one can predict how long it will last, and "let's enjoy it while it's there", and when it isn't, there will be no ties that bind, and the relationship won't be ruined by the "business" of sharing a household. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:33:22 PM | A good woman does not make a smart woman. Your wasting your time with a man like that because in essense, he has nothing to offer any woman.
He called and wants to go on vacation. ...be sure it's not on your money. He is looking for a fool to use. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:46:57 PM | A lot of people say one thing and do another.
Give him some time to build trust with you. You've only known each other for a month or whatever it is. I bet if you two are getting along well enough that he'll change his mind about things.
Nothing is carved in stone......Well, stone is...but anyways. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:50:48 PM |
A good woman does not make a smart woman. Your wasting your time with a man like that because in essense, he has nothing to offer any woman.
He called and wants to go on vacation. ...be sure it's not on your money. He is looking for a fool to use.
Mr. Vitamix, I don't "get it" about your post. Are you suggesting that relationships are "transactional", that an explicit "offer" must be made and adjudged to have sufficient "value" in practical terms, or else the woman is a "fool" to be involved with a man?
So, what is it that a woman has to "offer", that requires a man to have an equal "offer"?
If two people don't have compatible needs and wants in a relationship, then they aren't a match. That would seem to be the case in the relationship that the OP presented. However, there is no single paradigm that is right for everyone. The key, IMO, is for people to meet only others who share the same needs and wants, and with whom there is chemistry, and then both will be pleased with the arrangement. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:17:08 PM | The needs of the people in the relationship the OP outlined are not compatible for the investment of time and energy that the "situation" will involve. It will require too much from both to have this "settle for nothing" arrangement with no future and will end badly, mostly for her because he has already told her he is not offering her anything but his baggage and clutter from his own issues.
She would be better spending her time looking for someone who is more compatible for a healthy realtionship that will have the ability to grow into something deeper, with someone who has more to offer than hurt.
People who are harboring severe emotional wounds as he is are not good candidates for hope and being with him in hopes he will change is foolish on her part.
The chemistry isn't right, they are both just close and its convienent, it will end in disaster. A smart woman with a healthy self esteem would not spend her time so foolishly with a man who is so damaged and offers so little.
It will end badly, mostly for her because she seems to be offering her time, patience and heart while he is already drawing his lines in the sand.
He's only concerned about himself.
She should not waste time with him, any person who is emotionally healthy
would let him go, not hold him by the leg trying to pull him in.
I was trying to make that point in my earlier post
but maybe it wasn't clear. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:21:44 PM | I agree with most people here, there's no guarantees. The past is gone, the future is unpredictable, so live in the NOW. Decide for yourself, do you want a good friendship, a lover, or marriage/living together. You're analyzing this way too much IMO which alot of women tend to do, especially since it's only been a month. It's a variety of things shared between two people that can lead to a great relationship, and doesn't have to be full time marriage, to be fulfilling for both and to last a lifetime. No ring or piece of paper will keep the love going, or your time together meaningful. I say enjoy yourself at whatever level of friendship you choose for yourself with this guy. Definitely don't rely or think he'll change his mind in the future, that's false hope and such a waste of energy and time. Take care, and follow your instincts girl.  | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:30:54 PM | OP
i slightly dissagree with some of the other opinions
i think this man is not ready YET! for living with somone or marriage as its all to fresh
he sounds like he is using a "self preservation" mechanism with you
i think you should go with the flow and let him see the qualities you say you have for himself and who knows ? in time he may change the way he feels
trust is a difficult thing to regain after being hurt badly and only time, and your constant reasurance and love will show him he CAN trust again
emotions and feelings change and the way he feels now is not set in stone hun
good luck x | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:54:09 PM | | I think some fellow posters are missing a point. His trust issues may not only involve an SO but the legal system in the country/state he is in re marriage and civil unions. And he may never trust those systems again. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:07:42 AM | I became concerned when you (the OP) responded to Scruffy with "who knows maybe somewhere down the line he will change..."Uhm - NO! He won't.
People forumlate who they are and how they are by 5. From there on the likelihood of truly altering them goes down hill. Sad, yet true. I'm not certain what age your fella is but it's really not relevent.
You can look at this a couple ways.
1. You have fun with him. So do so. But know that nothing will change or alter. Just enjoy each other but realize fully and accept - you aren't going to be married and you aren't going to live together.
2. Stop seeing him, stop having fun with him - allow yourself to have the potential to meet someone who does think you're worth marrying and having around all the time.
It seems clear to me that your long term goals with this man differ.
To use him now for your personal enjoyment or to avoid being alone...while pleasant, isn't healthy for either of you. Enjoyable? Sure. Healthy? Nope. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:09:20 AM | | Vanessa, you and this guy sound like you are happy together at the moment. It's the honeymoon stage. When this stage wears off you will think shit i've wasted1, 2, or 3 years of my life with this guy and we are going different directions. You said he is a great talker and you get along well, well talk to him about what you want. If you have told him what you want and he is not willing to compromise then where is this reelationship going | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:13:58 AM | Honestly, I think a lot of people say that and dont mean it. I've said it before....then I fell in love...and was deciding how to decorate my extra bedrooms for his children. But then he cheated on me...and broke up with via a text message....so that ended that.
Anyways, my point is...he got screwed in the past financially....and he probably isn't ready to jump into another relationship where you are sharing the financial burden. So give him time. You've only known each other a month. Give him a chance to get to see that you arent like his ex's.
Don't jump off the ship until you are sure its sinking! | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:08:52 AM | In terms of the OP, it would seem that there's a general consensus that her goals from dating are different from his. In other words, they aren't a match.
There's a sub theme in this thread, though, that really has me curious. Why is there an underlying assumption by most that a man, who chooses to not be in a 24/7 relationship is "damaged", "angry", "bitter", or "afraid"?
Some of it may have to do with point in life, but what's wrong with someone who recognizes that his view of serenity in life requires that he retain a great deal of personal autonomy, and who wants a fair amount of solitude; while also craving intimacy and companionship, when it suits both?
For me, I don't feel "burned" by the system. I stayed in a marriage, long past the point where there was a deep connection with my ex, because the purpose of a stable family, IMO, is to raise children in a stable framework of a two parent family. Now that my children are grown, and my 20 year marriage is 8 years behind me, I can't imagine wanting to have an arrangement, where the details of day to day life have to be "compromised" and someone else's needs accomodated.
For example, I don't want to have to put the toilet seat down, nor eat meals at home that suit someone else's preferences. I don't want to have to "explain" why I want to take a nap at 5P, or that I'm still up at 2A. I want to go grocery shopping, when it suits me, not when it's convenient for both. And so on. At the same time, sexual and emotional intimacy is a human need, and I prefer not to be socially or sexually isolated.
There are many women, who want, more or less, the same thing: a lot of personal space, yet an intimate relationship. To me, the path to serenity in life is to find a partner who wants the same things, rather than stressing about changing someone else. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:43:35 AM |
He may be interested in intimacy, physical and emotional, but is at a place in his life, where he knows that marriage, or living together, is not what he wants in life. He's looking for a lover and companion, when it suits both, but also wants to live a separate life
There are many women, who want, more or less, the same thing: a lot of personal space, yet an intimate relationship. To me, the path to serenity in life is to find a partner who wants the same things, rather than stressing about changing someone else.
renaissance man, i love all of your posts on this topic......finally a person that seems to understand and can articulate exactly how i feel about this subject
many people simply don't seem to understand or believe that there CAN be a middle ground between being alone forever and being permanently legally bound to a person; kudos for "getting it" and for saying it so well
as to the OP's dilemma, one could make arguments on either side of what to do......there is a chance that if you two continue to see each other, one or the other of you may come to the other person's POV on the cohabitation/marriage question........on the other hand, if you both stay firm on your ideas AND stay together in the meantime, it is considerable time "invested" for whomever does not get their wish
in the meantime, though, i would still consider the vacation..........there's no reason why you can't vacation together and enjoy each other's company
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puaka
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Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:50:28 AM | He was upfront with what he want...now its up to you if you want to stay and learn more about your friend or toss him.
You only know him a month, ....talkin about things is not enough to make a lifetime commitment. Enjoy the company and go away with him. | |
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