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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 9:27:41 PM | No I don't want to put this in the humor section.The people here are so much fun I want to keep really good jokes here for just us. We all could use a laugh sometimes and it will be here in our forum.
So post a joke, a funny story,make a comment, just have some fun.Oh and post only really good ones.Please don't post ten or twenty at a time.How about your favorite all time laugh you a$$ off ones, the ones that had you laughing so hard you cried...........no pressure.
Here is one of mine :
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
so mething extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be a ll that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a t wo-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just fo r the heck of it. I
touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-seco nd burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testiclesâ?¦I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock,
Stupid | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 9:53:16 PM | Thank God countrygirl...finally a legitimate place for jobfinder to put his jokes before he gets his butt canned from here! You're a smart cookie! | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:06:00 PM | Not from Michigan, but the wine is good...
Bottle of wine
For all the previously married, wish to be married, or wish not to be married, this wine's for you.
Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.
'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.
Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'oh, nothing really-it's a bottle of red, red wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two;
then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said:
Good Trade!
 | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/18/2008 10:45:18 PM | Men's Words of Wisdom
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big****or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 12:04:21 AM | "DATING RITUALS,
> "
>>
>>
>>WHITE WOMEN
>>
>>First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
>>Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
>>Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
>>
>>
>>IRISH WOMEN
>>
>>First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
>>Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
>>20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
>>
>>ITALIAN WOMEN
>>
>>First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
>>Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and
>>meatballs.
>>Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a
>>3-carat
>>ring.
>>5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought
>>of
>>having sex.
>>6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
>>
>>
>>JEWISH WOMEN
>>
>>First Date: You get dynamite head.
>>Second Date: You get more great head.
>>Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
>>
>>CHINESE WOMEN
>>
>>First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing
>>happens.
>>Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
>>again.
>>Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
>>realized
>>nothing is going to happen.
>>
>>INDIAN WOMEN
>>
>>First date: Meet her parents.
>>Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
>>Third date: Wedding night.
>>
>>BLACK WOMEN
>>
>>First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
>>Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
>>dinner.
>>Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
>>Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
>>
>>MEXICAN WOMEN
>>
>>First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
>>have
>>sex in the back of her car.
>>Second Date: She's pregnant.
>>Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his
>>girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
>>grandma,
>>her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's
>>boyfriend
>>and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
>>of
>>your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home
>>along the Rio Grande.
>>
>>
>>The POINT?
>>
>>DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN? | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:35:14 AM | Or could that be just what she admits too?
___________________________________________________________
THE BEST PUB
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.
"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.
"The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the English man "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman "But it did happen to my sister." | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 10:01:02 AM | Gosh.... wow who would have thought Jobfinder posting a joke on a thread .
Thanks everyone keep' em coming. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 10:04:42 AM | | What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger? Mick sings "Hey you, get off of my cloud" and the Scot says "Hey MacLeod, get off of my ewe". | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 10:26:34 AM | I always wondered what the cat was thinking.....
Subject: Dog Diary & Cat Diary
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations pe rfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good
little hunter' I am.
**stards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/19/2008 12:31:32 PM | A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
‘They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says
‘Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
‘It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...
SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE F&@%ING PRICE' | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 7:20:22 AM | CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
>
> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
> virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
> under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed
> next to her and tries to be reassuring.
>
>
> 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
> frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
> you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
> worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
>
>
> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
> request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have
> heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
>
> More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
> he asks her....
>
>
> 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?? | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 10:56:53 AM | FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 1:38:15 PM | Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> This is good........
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 as*s, 1 beaver, an unknown number
>> of hares, and a fish no one can find. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 4:17:27 PM | Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we
have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex''. Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said,
'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you? | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:11:34 PM | >An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>
>
> Old men can still think fast. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:17:25 PM | The Good Wife's Guide
From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking
about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Any questions? | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:26:02 PM | | Yep, but I've noticed that all in fun comes back and the stuff get's interesting, all in fun. You done the right thing, the joke was good I thought. I was just waiting to see if the ladies were going to give you hel*. All in fun. When someone chews me out, I just get in the spirit, reminds me of being married. | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:32:24 PM | | "Without humor, unable to laugh at one's self.... the soul starves for the affection of the lifeblood in a presumed healthy life". (BBBadmustang, ... circa 2008) | |
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| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:37:41 PM | A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors with different value of the products as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
“Great” she says, but pushes 2 to keep looking.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“Nice” she says, things are getting better and continues up.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited. | |
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