| | Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I consider myself to be a very kind, sensitive and emotional guy.
Several times in my past I have had a girlfriend or date tell me she had been raped in the past.
Each time I've been told, I have wanted to reach out and hold her.
One time it came out during a discussion on Abortion with a girlfriend, I let her know she could tell me as much or as little as she chose. She told me what had happened and it helped our relationship become closer. She knew I would not hold her past against her and that it was NOT HER FAULT.
But one woman told me on the FIRST meeting/date. Her situation was her own father raped her at 16. Not ONLY was it her first time, but she had a child she gave up for adoption. We dated off and on for awhile, but she left the state for a new job shortly after.
I only know of five former girlfriends who had been assaulted. But the statistics are getting higher and higher. One stat I saw says one woman in three has been assaulted.
So, my question is how would you LIKE us to handle this information? I for one know it would (in most cases) take a LOT of trust for a woman to confide to a boyfriend this kind of thing. In SOME cases, this might explain issues she or both of you have. Is this sharing to build trust, to test it.
Men normally have the need to fix. But this is something that cannot be fixed or undone. Is it enough to just always be there for her? To try to make her feel safe? Does it change behavior in the bedroom after she confides to you?
Sorry for the rambling. Each case is different. Some women allow it to control their future, some refuse to let it. Just wanted opinions on what you might want in the situation. I suppose women that have been abused in past might have same needs. Just want to know what you might want us to do if you share that with with your guy. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:27:28 PM |
I let her know she could tell me as much or as little as she chose.
That's perfect.
Being gentle and supportive and allowing her to reveal on her terms is about all you can do. You can't fix it, nothing really can, but you can listen to her and let her know that you accept her. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:31:05 PM | Often, today's women don't 'need' a man to ride in on a white horse and to 'fix' things. However, I understand what you mean by your post.
Simply allow her to share with you as much as she wishes; no pressure.
Is it enough to just always be there for her?
Absolutely! | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:34:23 PM | The statistics on rape are greatly exaggerated. If one in three women had been raped then most of the women I know should of been raped at least once in their life. I know no one who has been raped. You are either running directly into women who had truly been raped ,which would be very unusual ,or you are running into liars.
As to how a man should handle this information if a women had truly been raped, well she obviously has told you only because it is information she wants you to know so that you can understand her better. She does not want you to fix it or make her better , just acknowledge the information and be compassionate about it, but I would not bring it up again unless she does first. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:42:45 PM | Well Mary,
The stat is more of an estimate. Might include attempts or other classifications.
And MOST people know no one who has been raped, at least that they KNOW about. Some women NEVER tell ANYONE because of the stigma or belief they wanted it or let it happen.
And why in the world would a woman lie about it? I didn't know it was a social status symbol. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:49:03 PM | I am not sure if the current stats on sexual assault(not known as rape anymore) and incest are truly on the rise or if they just appear to be because in todays society women can more freely discuss. It is more accepting today to understand sexual assault and incest as in the past, women were blamed for such things(ie in what they were wearing etc).
I would think if I were sexually assaulted and told a mate or possible mate, I would not be telling him to fix but rather telling him to confide etc.
We do not confide for people to fix things but to get it off our chest, have them understand us better and such. I can understand wanting to fix things but we cannot. Offer advise and help only when asked. Until we are asked for help or advice, all we can do is be there for them and support them. But I would think having someone there and support them is the best thing one can do.
I know if I were going through something, I would be most happy and pleased if someone was there to listen to me.
~Carrie | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 2:51:42 PM | One in 3 females and 1 in 5 males are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. And in fact you do know someone who has been assaulted......most dont go out in public and tell.
OP e-mail me and I will explain a few things to you about women who have been sexually assaulted. And the first is never to reach out and hug them without permission.
And of course a lot depends on if she received help in her recovery to become a survivor and leave the victim mode.
PEACE | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:02:25 PM | | Mary, with your attitude, is would be very unlikely that anyone would confide such a thing to you. You come across as judge and jury! Rape, or the new politically correct sexual assault, which is actually a better term, because it is about control, not sex, is still not something that any victim wants broadcast, so they are normally very careful who they reveal such things to, and some never confide in anyone! | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:05:04 PM | The nature of the beast is to take. And, unfortunately even those though who "claim" she said yes, or she wanted me, were wrong. Most fact cases are at an early age, then off course it goes deeper into family members, sexual abuse, violence.
The facts are 3 to 1 before the age of 18, well said Pretty Moon.
And, i agree. Regardless of when the woman decides to tell you it is evident that she can, she feels safe and so she confides.
True again, Pretty Moon, some may speak but have never dealt, so a "hug" seeing a man coming close to her with his arms out can bring back thoughts, memories and fear, so you must state can i hug you.
I too have seen too many women and conversed with many on this topic, i have been fortunate enough to miss that statistic, although it almost happened twice at an early age, simple walk home through a park, fortunately someone up there was watching over me.
I would say that the women you have encountered OP, seeing as you also mention "in the bedroom", perhaps are shy, a touch conservative, laugh but not all the time, only those whom have really dealt with the problem and have inner strength can move on later in life, almost totally forgetting and with the right partner, sexually with compassion and understanding can move on there to. But a lot don't. Most don't. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:07:16 PM |
Is it enough to just always be there for her? To try to make her feel safe?
Yes it is. As far as feeling safe, I guess if you just be yourself and let her know that she can be herself too, then maybe that's enough.
Does it change behavior in the bedroom after she confides to you?
I don't know. Did it change it for you OP? Maybe for some women--the safe factor.
You're handling this just fine OP. I'm sure it's not the easiest thing to hear and try to reconcile but the trying is what many women appreciate. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:11:24 PM | Chandlers wish....nice post
I was a sexual abuse counselor and a lot has to do, as you say with the strength and support of the person. Especially immediately after the abuse.
The problem for many lies in the not telling due to the intimidation. And those are the ones who received no help, or only after a memory trigger years later. They very often are not even associating their problems with the abuse as it has been many years.
With the PROPER counseling 90% go on to lead healthy lives including sexually with an understanding and compassionate partner.
PEACE | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:14:37 PM | When I asked about "the bedroom" I was referring to two possibilities.
1. Was inviting guys to respond if hearing an SO was sexually assaulted, if it caused any hesitation or change.
2. If revelation came as a result of something in bedroom. One friend told me of assault when she was explaining why she got upset when a boyfriend suggested handcuffs. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:15:56 PM | | I believe just listening to her and being supportive of her is a great start. She is not expecting you to fix the situation, but wants you to understand where she is coming from. People who have been abused in the past whether it is sexual, physical, or psychological need counselling from a professional. Otherwise, these problems from their childhood will usually surface in their adult life and will affect relationships they have when they start dating. Make sure the person you become involved with either has received counselling or is in the process of getting the help they need. B | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:22:33 PM | I have never been raped.. thank God!!!! (some might say you can't rape the willing.. but that is another story)!!![laughing at myself here not anyone else]
I think the best way to show support is listen when she tells you. Don't try to fix it and I wouldn't even try to comfort her at the time.. just listen. Then thank her for trusting you enough to share that with you tell her you are honored that she would trust you enough to share that with you. And then just tell her that you are her friend and she can trust you and this does not change your opinion of her one bit.. Tell her how lovely and beautiful she is to you and how you feel privledged to know her.
Now having said all that.. OP, I think there is something that needs to be said.. Obviously you have something that make these women feel safe.. so you are doing something right.
I don't think all men experience what you do.. so take this to mean you are doing the right thing if they open up to you.
Let me share a story of a counselor that I went to because of the suicide of a former lover. He was in a wheel chair and he had this wonderful group therapy session that women who had been brutalized sexually.. he was the only male there and the reason why he had so many women coming to his sessions was that he was in a wheel chair and was not physically threatening to them.
While I don't recommend you putting yourself in a wheel chair.. do keep in the back of your mind that their comfort with you physically will play a huge role in their trust level for you.
Also, if any of the ladies you know who share this with you are inclined to like to go to church .. etc. Let me recommend an author for them if it ever comes up. Her name is Joyce Meyer. She is an incest survivor (from early child hood till 15) and has a wonderful testimony. She is a very successful Biblical teacher and has conferences all over the world now. The name of her testimony is Trophy of Grace or Trophies of Grace. She considers herself a trophy of God's Grace.
There are also plenty of wonderful authors whose names I can't remember off the bat. One is a man they used to show him on PBS and he is a counselor and specializes in dysfunctional homes.. etc.... Bradshaw I think was /is his last name.. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:27:20 PM | Back when I was in college, the official rape stat was one in sex, but since 50% was assumed to go unreported, the number 1/3 came to be. Many rapes are not by a stranger, but by the date or acqaintance you get drunk with...hard to accuse when your own friends are asking why you are such a b1tch to blame poor Johnny...
More to the point, I noticed the OP is a kind, sensitive, helpful....knight in shining armor. If that's true, then its a fair assumption that, in a room full of women, he will gravitate towards the one that needs help. So, I will believe he's quick to find the victim, yes.
Victims tend to have their own way of handling things, so to answer the OP's question, its hard to give a one-size-fits-all answer (using this as a chance to hold her could be a bad move). So, let her reclaim the power the way she prefers. In other words, does she take charge? Look for a bailout? Want someone right by her side? Follow her lead.
I have had only one confess to rape, but that was during the meet-and-greet, like it was part of her sexual history after the 3 somes--and that's not tongue-in-cheek, that's how off the cuff she delivered it. She was strange in bed, but there could obviously be other causes :) | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:32:17 PM |
my question is how would you LIKE us to handle this information?
OP, just a thought, but when something like that comes up, why not just listen empathetically, and then if it seems that she's expecting more response than that, ask her what it is that she expects? It might simply be that she wants to feel "ok" talking about something that was a major life event for her, and to know that you won't react negatively. Many rape victims are "embarrassed", (victim's guilt) and feel safer knowing that you won't "judge" her.
One stat I saw says one woman in three has been assaulted.
That's a false statistic created by a special interest group with an agenda, and includes women who had teen boys say something "inappropriate", or being yelled at by another teen. It includes dating loser type men, who exerted verbal pressure about sex, and it includes incidents of "drunk sex", when both partners were "under the influence", before becoming intimacy. An unfortunate byproduct of the extreme militant groups is that they have classified a lot of fairly normal, minor events, in order to build up the number, and as a consequence, many people refuse to believe that rape happens as often as it really does.
Sure, there are a lot of victims, and I'm not minimizing it, but do you really think that 33% of women have been raped? | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:37:40 PM | ^^^^^^ When one says assault we are not just talking rape. Sexual assault covers a wide array of sexual deviancy.............
And the prefered word is "survivor"........ victim is when they are still under the influence of the perp. You are a victim when its happening........when you have managed to get yourself out of the circumstance.....you have become a survivor.
PEACE | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:45:45 PM | No I am not being judgmental about it I am saying that the statistics are greatly exaggerated. What you are suggesting by saying that one in 3 women have been raped is that most men you will come across are rapist or potential rapist. Yes people lie about things all the time for sympathy and whatever other twisted reason they can think of. There is a lot of sympathy and attention to someone who has been raped so therefore someone seeking sympathy and attention will cry rape.
Do you have any idea out of all the rape cases police investigate turn out to be false allegations?Look it up and you will see that yes indeed people cry rape all the time and lie about it. Look at the woman who accused Kobe Bryant of rape. Total liar. She wouldn't even press on with criminal charges and went straight to civil court. It was all about the money. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:47:50 PM | Since three people have pointed this out, let me clarify. When I heard her say she was assaulted, I WANTED to reach out and hold her. Not as an excuse, but to comfort her
We were already dating VERY seriously by then. At my size, 6'5" and close to 300 pounds (at that time) I KNOW not to reach out to ANYONE that has been through that without permission.
That relationship did not last because I wanted to get married and she had just ended her second marriage and didn't want anything more than dating.
The reason I asked the question is women can and DO confide in me quickly and I just wanted to confirm that just listening to and comforting her in way she allows or wants is what she'd like.
As far as gravitating towards towards victims, i gave up my armor and white horse when a friend went back to a man who threatened to kill her and her kids. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:50:26 PM | I understand your need to fix, but here's the thing when someone confides in you and you listen with no judgement and with caring - you ARE fixing. Start with just holding their hand while they are telling you, if they are comfortable. A hug is sometimes appreciated afterwards by some people :D You really need to know the person you are dealing with - some people are not comfortable with touching.
Women understand that their presence, hugs and listening skills are healing and "fixes". Men need to learn that just "being there" not doing anything or even saying anything can mean millions.
Here's an example:
Someone I know was upset about a relative contracting HIV. There were a few people around at the time that she was upset, so I simply went over to her and lay/rubbed my hand on her back for a few seconds. She told me later that that simple gesture meant the world to her. I didn't bring any attention to the issue, but I let her know I was there and sharing her sorrow.
As for your bedroom issue - make sure you talk before you become intimate. Ask her what her limits are. You can even get a checklist from the internet which has "off limits" "want to try" etc., categories. Excellent way to have fun and open up with your partner. I'm a big fan of the "list" lol.
I also think that saying you gravitate towards "victims" is a bad way to put it. Some men do like to be rescuers of a sort. I know a man like that and he is an excellent father and husband and a good man. There is nothing wrong with the fact that perhaps you seek out these types of women. People keep on labelling this as "wrong". I don't understand it, but if that's what makes you happy and your partner happy - who cares what anyone else says? As long as you are not being taken for granted right? | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:52:19 PM | This is a very touchy issue and I guess should be considered by the victim if and when she or he feels comfortable to discuss it. It is very hard to believe but the statistics were 3 out 5 girls have had incest brought upon them in some form. In fact I was just discussing with a very sweet man in this forum wherein his X wife may have been a possible victim.
It is getting so out of hand that all mothers should hold the key to a chasity belt for their sons and once they are married the key should be given to the wife!!!.
giggle giggle! | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:54:53 PM | As I understood it, the woman who filed charges against Kobe dropped it when his defense team started throwing details of her sexual history into the public. A tactic which is illegal in most states.
Most women drop charges (in my opinion) because they are ashamed about telling a roomful of people what happened.
Cases like Kobe's are EXACTLY why most women do not report it. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 3:57:06 PM | Cases like Kobe's are EXACTLY why most women do not report it.
Yes but she carried on with the civil suit anyway. She was already in court and already going through public scrutiny so why choose to go through civil court instead of criminal court. There is only one answer MONEY!
Now it seems like if someone say something dirty to you then you have been "sexually assaulted" . It's ridiculous. People have become hypersensitive to this stuff. If you get drunk and have sex with a strange at a party you have not been sexual assaulted. If you choose to jump into bed with someone on the first date and later you find out he lied and is married, then you have not been sexually assaulted.
For those that have been truly raped then this is a horrible thing, but there is no way that 1 in 3 women have been raped. Think about that . That would make your brothers , father, uncles, cousins , friends ,ex boyfriends, current boyfriends etc... rapist. Someone is raping these women after all. How you can possibly have a statistic on something which has never been reported I don't know. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 4:05:18 PM | To Mary'
just to give you a heads up, that is not true. criminal is without a shadow of a doubt. maybe DNA etc. or other soild evicience like 2 or more witnesses, video et.
civil is who is most believable.
take the OJ case.
Did he do it?
Well we do not know for 100% as we do not have evidence where there is no shadow of a doubt. But it did not stop the family from civally suing. It was there way for closure.
I hope no victim reads your comment as it is a bit shallow. | |
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| Ladies, how would you LIKE us to handle this?
Posted: 7/19/2008 4:18:20 PM | Once again Miss Mary please read......its 1 in 3 have been sexually assaulted before the age of 18.........sexual assault is NOT just rape. With a child it can be touching the genital area. And please dont trivialize this subject...........
PEACE | |
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