| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 5:58:02 PM | I have a friend who has fallen in love with this man. He has been separated from his wife for the last 8 years. My friend has been asked to move in with him and is now considering it. She has asked me what I’ve thought about the fact that he is separated and not divorced and moving in with him.
My response is that he is not fully in a relationship with her if the ritual of a divorce has not been final. I also stated that if this was the case with me, I might question how I begin to view myself in my relationship with him. The question of not having filed for divorce tells me he might have one foot in and the other out. She possibly could have just fallen in love with only part of this man.
What would you say if you were asked the same question by your friend? Would you see yourself differently in a relationship if your partner was separated and not divorced?
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:43:56 PM | Seeing this is your friend, I would assume she is in her 40s or 50s.
I wouldn't give her any advice. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions.
When she were to ask what you think, tell her what you would do or not do, and leave it at that.
JMO  | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:44:13 PM | Dating someone who is separated is stupid.
Moving in with someone who is separated is stupid and crazy.
He is just going to waste her time, if she has plenty of time to waste then why not.
He is NOT getting a divorce by now, he won't get one, not only is probably cheaper for him to remain married but he can always use the marriega as an excuse to get rid of the "girlfriends" when he gets tired of them.
Is like dating a woman who says she is loosing weight in the future.
Lose it now. If she just talks about loosing it she never will.
Will any man date a girl who says she will loose the weight in the future?
I don't think so! | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:44:41 PM | I spent many years working in divorce/family law and let me assure you that "separated" is still married. I don't care how one chooses to look it, that individual is still married until a divorce has been finalized by the courts.
In my world, both separated and married means unavailable.
Tink | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:45:36 PM | | I'd tell her not to do it. You're either in a marriage or you're out - he's just hedging his bets and playing games. I say this from experience. I once lived with a man for a few months that had been separated from his wife six years, I sent him back 'home' to her. Never again will I get involved with a separated man. Show me the divorce papers. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 6:54:38 PM | Yes I totally agree with most of you. I don’t think the man is independent as he thinks he is when separated. With every decision he makes in his life or in the time he is with my friend, he will make it knowing his first obligation will be to his wife. Oh that sounds bad. What do you call the wife of a man that is separated, wife?
I was also telling her that she is playing the role of a mistress in this relationship. I don’t think she likes that much. She has no intention of marrying him but is still in ‘contemplation’.
Edit: Yes she is 48... | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 7:09:43 PM | He could very well be 'fully in a relationship with her if the ritual of a divorce' was not final ... what would you know about it?
The only thing for sure is that he is not legally out of the other one, and without knowing any details as to why he isn't I would be loathe to rain on my friend's parade by questioning her love for her man, casting aspersions on her relationship and planting any more seeds of doubt in her mind than are probably already there.
If I were asked ... I would ask why he wasn't yet divorced, what his plans were, what her plans were, suggest the usual caution and tell her I'd support her in whatever decision she made...but I wouldn't try to sabotage a friend's potential happiness just because I may not approve of the status of his divorce. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 7:48:42 PM | The only reason I can see for not divorcing after so long would be some sort of medical insurance reason. If the other is covered and has a pre-existing condition, that may be plausible. Otherwise, it smells fishy.
<------ A valid source for this comment! | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 7:50:47 PM | What I know about the relationship is what she tells me. I’ve not lectured her about her relationship. I am only stating what I had said in response to her curiosity about what I think of this relationship.
but I wouldn't try to sabotage a friend's potential happiness just because I may not approve of the status of his divorce. My friend knows I have strong opinions about married men dating without divorce. She has a good judgment of character and I value her friendship. She can differentiate between what is hers and what is mine especially my opinion.
He has not gotten around to the divorce, it isn’t a priority, was his response when she first asked him about it.
Lol Artful, no plans of sabotage here….and curious more about the position other women would have if found themselves in this dilemma…. And the men, why no divorce 8 years later? | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:17:18 PM | | Well, if he's Catholic, they might never divorce. I live in a town full of stupid sh*t like that. They'll just stay separated forever and never divorce. I'm more liberal than I used to me, and more hardnosed, and less inclined to marry, so what the heck. I would not rule out such a living arrangement. If I were your friend, I'd be asking this guy for for some tangible financial benefits in exchange for being in this go-nowhere relationship with a married man. Something more than pleasant company and a feel-good time as long (or short( as it may last. He's the one with the marriage mess and the problems, so she should not give him something for nothing. And she gets it up front, or no deal. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:49:08 PM | there are many reasons why some people never get a divorce....most of them to do with finances. If someone has been separated and never returned to the marriage partner after all those years, then they are probably never going to.
Another reason, is due to insecurity. One man I know has no desire to get a divorce because he has not done well in choosing his marriage partners and this has helped him to keep women at arm's length. He wants them to live at their place and he'll live at his place. He is a monogamus dater but is afraid of getting too close again.
One thing I have learned in the 6 years that I've been separated (with no immediate intention of getting a divorce and no intention whatsoever of returning to the marriage relationship) is that people tend to jump to conclusions without discussing the issues with the person that they are dating.
Those of us who are only separated, are not all looking for a little booty-call, or an "easy way to dispose of a relationship" that we've decided is not working. Many of us want a monogamus relationship but just aren't prepared to consider marriage again at this point. We are people too. We do deserve to be loved and we have plenty to offer a relationship.
All it takes is a little effort to discuss the issue, voice your concerns, hear your partner's concerns and see if it can work for the both of you. But...it's so much easier to just throw the separated fish back into the pond and reel in a divorced one. To paint all of us with the same brush is like advising people not to date newly divorced people because they are all so bitter and angry.
Part of the dating process is to discuss your respective needs to see if you fit. Talk first....THEN dump, if necessary. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 8:51:25 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I don't understand what you mean about getting some tangible financial benefits. You think he should pay her to move in with him?????
Tell her to tell him, to get on the stick and get the divorce out of the way. 8 years is a long time to be separated. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 9:18:45 PM | The question seems to be asked from the emotional availability perspective.
As has been said there are many reasons people dont divorce
a) Not wanting to remarry (again and again)
b) They are catholic or some other religion that says marriage was for life
c) Health insurance
d) Children and assets
e) They havent come to terms with the whole 'separate entities' thing
I guess I'd ask her 2 questions
a) Do you understand the implications of ASSETS (both his, hers and the wifes) in all this? (it can get messy if he has a claim on hers and the wife has a claim on his)
b) Do you understand the implications, responsibilities, and claims...if this man dies still married to his wife and not you?
c) Have you met and do you get along with the WIFE? (if its separate, this is scarey)
d) And if all that is ok...then let me ask one more question
What is the difference bewteen seeing a man, sleeping with him, sharing life in so many ways, and doing all those things married people do WHILE NOT LIVING WITH HIM....and living with him?
And why is the living together important to you? Or to him?
If the answer from both is that you want to spend your lives together...move along on that divorce
If the answer is mutual convenience, please understand there are far more complicated issues as defactos, than simply having a house mate to share space with.
Last question. Are you doing this because deep in your heart you know he doesnt want to marry you, but this is the best it gets (for now) and are you secretly hoping you can fool yourself into believing you ARE married, by living with him?
And whats marriage mean to you anyway?
A whole whole BUNCH of questions I would be asking her.
Then ultimately, the decision is hers, and I'd still be her friend and support her in whatever decision she made.
But made it now knowingly, and being in possession of the facts. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 9:25:25 PM | There are several reasons I wouldn't date someone who isn't divorced. Live with a person who is only separated is asking for problems in my opinion.
I love the way the person always has a story that makes their reason for not divorcing "acceptable". Dream on. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 9:25:59 PM | Everyone has a right to their beliefs. Those of you who are still 'separated but married' can explain all you want, some of us out here just choose to not get involved with you. Our choice. I don't care if you've been 'separated but married' for 20 years. I'm not interested. You make your choices, I make mine. It all works out.
I am curious about somethin though. Twice in this thread, it was mentioned people don't go through with the divorce, because they don't want to marry again. (????)
I know sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake, but what the hell does that mean? | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 9:58:55 PM | Just replying to post #19 above
I am curious about somethin though. Twice in this thread, it was mentioned people don't go through with the divorce, because they don't want to marry again. (????)
I know sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake, but what the hell does that mean?
When people get married they do the I DO thing and promise to be there for each other through the good, the bad, and the ugly TIL DEATH US DO PART.
Now I am sure that people getting married and saying these things...actually mean it.
But then shock horror, it didnt happen that way. Stuff happened. We ended up not liking each other, in some cases hating each other, and going our separate ways.
In other words the EVER EVER AFTER aspects of marriage (probably why most people go into marriage) didnt happen.
There are some people who would rather not get married again, and who hold the opinion that IF ITS GOOD IT WILL LAST and if it isnt, no marriage certificate on earth will hold it together.
While others seem quite comfortable with falling in love and rushing off and getting married, then divorced.
Then falling in love and rushing off and getting married, then divorced
Then falling in love and rushing off and getting married, then divorced
And maybe one more time falling in love and rushing off and getting married, then divorced.
For some people, the whole marriage thing was taken on very seriously. And when that is shown to be NOT how they saw it, or see it, why would they want to go through it all again, when the reasons they wanted to be married in the first place, arent there.
Its a little like
OUCH! I just went to hit the nail on the head (my intention) but hit my damn thumb instead!! (not the intention but what happened anyway)
For some. Why would they want to go through the pain again?
Just different folks.
But I still think THOSE people should DIVORCE even though they might not want to remarry. And many of them ARE living quite happily together and it's lasted longer, and is happier than, their marriage was.
Wanting to live with someone when you are still married to someone else is a bit scarey though. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 10:10:32 PM | That doesn't really explain it at all, but I appreciate the effort.
Here's my confusion. Say I met a woman out somewhere and she tells me she's separated and has been for x number of years. Ok fine, it won't go anywhere but I inquire why she doesn't just get divorced since it's been so long.
Her response to me is, "Because I don't want to get married again." Nowhere did I ask if she wanted to get remarried? I just asked why not get divorced?
So, you're not getting divorced, because you don't want to remarry? That makes no sense at all.
It's like saying, I'm not having corn for dinner, because I don't want potatos. I don't know, I just don't get it. It seems like a very bizarre excuse. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/19/2008 11:32:31 PM | Pants stated: "So, you're not getting divorced, because you don't want to remarry? That makes no sense at all. "
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I call it simply . . . . . " SWUB" - - - -(Separated with unfinished business) . . .in my reality that person has not faced/handled their unfinished business. . .no matter what excuse/reasoning, etc . . . . the ENDS are loose . . . bottom line . . . this person is lacking whatever for whatever reason . . . a person that lacks taking charge of their future ALONE . . .without the strings attached . . . is a RED FLAG to me . . . annnnnd . . . let's not forget that legally she/he is still connected to the past . . . .JMO
I personally have worked very hard to clean my plate so that I may enjoy my PORTERHOUSE steak (I lovvvvve steak) WITHOUT the old trash on it . . . yummmmy! Sooo I personally expect the same in return . . . and that is why I will pass on SWUB . . . just me.
To EACH their own . . . .no right . . . . no wrong . . . .
~Myth~ | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/20/2008 2:53:17 AM |
Say I met a woman out somewhere and she tells me she's separated and has been for x number of years. Ok fine, it won't go anywhere but I inquire why she doesn't just get divorced since it's been so long.
Her response to me is, "Because I don't want to get married again." Nowhere did I ask if she wanted to get remarried? I just asked why not get divorced?
So, you're not getting divorced, because you don't want to remarry? That makes no sense at all.
It's a control measure that allows them to remain unavailable for marriage because they're already married. :)
They lack emotional self control and heart wisdom, so they use their current marital status "as is" to protect them from further entanglements. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:41:26 AM | I don't care what the reason is the guy is a creep because this woman fell in love with. him. It's all his fault because he seemed like a nice guy.
No I wouldn't care if his wife was in a permanent coma, advanced Alzheimer's he's not divorced and he made this other woman fall in love with her.
I don't care if she's spending money and time on gas because she wants to see a man she fell in love with.
I don't care what set of reasons this man and woman are seeing each other, they should perform a mutual dumping ceremony and wallow in misery because they allowed themselves to have intimate company....
actually, being there's only one thing I know about this man, he separated, and only one thing I know about this woman, she loves a married man, I'm wondering where the anti-judgment people are on how you shouldn't make judgments unless you walk in their shoes.
If I were a close friend, I'd know a heck of a lot more than just these 2 descriptions. | |
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