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 NYCLEGEND
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 1
CaregiverPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My Mom lives with me. She's extreemly sick and really needs someone to help her at times. It seems that woman hold this against me. Ireally can't stay out all night long anymore because of her condition. She has her good days and has her bad days. The stress catches up to me. Why do I get treated as if I did something wrong? I have a sister who shows no concern at all and have to do what I have to do. Why don't woman understand and hold this against me?


Let's try this again WITHOUT the profile review, plays no part in a discussion/ - Trappedonbayst
 celebrtlife
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 2
Caregiver
Posted: 7/22/2008 8:04:29 PM
My guess is that it's not the norm for a man to be taking care of his ailing mom. I know it happens. I suppose some women have not been around that before. Try not to take it to heart.

Just think of it as a job. If you were taking care of someone else this is how it would be seen as.

I wish I could have something better to say. I hope things look up for you soon.
 Strawberry_Kiss
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 3
Caregiver
Posted: 7/22/2008 8:09:15 PM
Hey, i think the women who think like that aren't worth thinking about, My dad died in february from cancer and i was his caregiver for almost 8 years as he had parkinsons disease before that. Luckily my partner was very understanding i've been with hm 9 years so most of our relationship was based with me putting my dad first, to be honest think any woman tht gets ya will be very lucky, all this shows me is that you are a kind and caring person
.

 jack clubbin
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 4
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:29:02 PM
i guess alot of women like to be put first...if u can take care of ure mom while showing existing or potential partners that they are VERY IMPORTANT in ure life, then u should be ok..
can u afford to hire some help and step back a little from ure situation.. it wd reduce ure stress n help u get a relationship 'off the ground', after which time, u might gain some help, rather than more stress...hope this is helpfull..
 JWork25
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 5
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:46:09 PM
A lot of women probably just assume you're living with your mom because you can't take of yourself.
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:57:39 PM
I know where your coming from when family comes first...

You need to come up front and let them know your situation..You need a vacation from mom once in a while..even if it's a couple of hours. It would be nice to just go to dinner and a movie and go home.

If there is any women in this guys area? Send him a hello....
 twinpersonality
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 7
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:07:03 PM
NYCLegend,
You should be commended for what you are doing for your mother. Any woman who is selfish enough not to see this is a fool, and doesn't deserve your time.

I know that doesn't make it easier for you, but it is the hard cold truth. You deserve better than women who will judge you off something such as this.

You will find the right one, but just like you are a special breed, it will take a special breed of woman to be happy with your situation. Don't give up, she is out there.
 tmbmx
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 8
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:31:41 PM
The one thing I am sure of is that things happen for a reason. I they cant handle the fact that you take care of a sick parent, they are not for you. Beside think what a rotten spouse they would be if had kids with then and thats how they felt about things.
 jamie***
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 9
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:45:52 PM
Selfless...
and I am certain there are many people out there thinking likewise.
 Heart Bandit
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 10
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:27:28 PM
I've been there. I also stayed with my mother when she got sick. I took care of her after work and the hospice took care of her during the day. It was the toughest time in my life. And I was so exhausted. But I just kept on doing it. I felt like I was on auto pilot. Now, I wasn't involved with anyone at the time. However if I was involved with someone, and they held this against me, then I would've told them to take a long walk on a short pier. The type of person to hold a situation like that against someone is no more than a heartless and vile freak of nature.
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 11
Caregiver
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:11:05 PM
If I found a guy like you, I would HELP you take care of your ailing mother. I am glad she has you, and I feel you should be commended for it. There are underlying issues with women using this against you. They are not complaining about you caring for her, but have other issues about the REPURCUSSIONS of you taking care of her. You should find someone who wants to show that she cares for your mother also. This is the type of woman that would have high character traits. The other women are doing you a favor by leaving. Consider it that even if you didn't have a Mom to care for, these women wouldn't stay around, anyway. You have to kiss a lot of frogs. Even without the complications of Mom.
 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 12
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 4:30:37 AM
This is way late, but for anyone still reading, some places have Care for the Caregiver respite programs so you can get away occasionally. Check your state or local Department on Aging, if your state has one. Check hospice organizations too. Many offer free services and can be a HUGE relief. Consider Meals on Wheels to give her some social interaction if that is lacking.

Don't rule out a mental health issue. And tell your sister it's time to step up. She should be able to do something, even if she's not close by. Maybe get her to commit to something specific, like taking her to doctors appointments.

ps - can we clone you?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 7:10:02 AM
I admired the care and love my SO showed towards his Mother before she passed. I had to feel that any man that would put days of his busy life aside to assist the woman that raised him was obviously a man I wanted to get to know.
I would certainly look into local groups that assist the elderly whether it is meals on wheels or local HS students that take time to visit and read to them. Call your local Senior Center, they will lead you to programs.
The caregiver needs a life as well.
 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 14
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 12:21:27 PM
>>It seems that woman hold this against me.
No, they just don't want to get involved.

>>The stress catches up to me.
No, it's there every day. The people I've known as caregivers look like heroin-hell.

>> Why do I get treated as if I did something wrong?
I'd *guess* you don't; other people don't want to get involved, you feel you should be rewarded and have a bit of a chip on your shoulder.

>> I have a sister who shows no concern at all and have to do what I have to do.
IF you've the time/energy to deal with this . . . don't wait for her to see the light. Go get what you want (at least some money).

>> Why don't woman understand and hold this against me?
I doubt they do. Probably find it admirable but they DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.

>> Just think of it as a job. If you were taking care of someone else this is how it would be seen as.
Like he couldn't get a high-paying job. Also, thinking of this as a "job" is ridiculous. Jobs are eight hours.

>> Hey, i think the women who think like that aren't worth thinking about.
Women who know their limits, goals and plans and recognize that dealing with this is not worth investing in a relationship are scum?

>> Luckily my partner was very understanding i've been with hm 9 years so most of our relationship was based with me putting my dad first.
You weren't lucky, you were smart. Also, you imply the relationship preceded the problem. "I promised to stay" is different than "I'll walk in to this difficult situation".

>> to be honest think any woman that gets ya will be very lucky, all this shows me is that you are a kind and caring person
All true, possibly . . . just not right now.

>> i guess alot of women like to be put first.
EVERYBODY likes to be put first.

>> showing existing or potential partners that they are VERY IMPORTANT in ure life, then u should be ok..
That's what he's doing ; it's not okay.

>> You need to come up front and let them know your situation.
That's where his problem STARTS!

>> You should be commended for what you are doing for your mother.
Everyone probably thinks so and do admire him. They just don't want to spend every night alone. Anyone who aspires to selflessness has a long, hard road.

>> You deserve better than women who will judge you off something such as this.
She better consider it and see if she can adapt. We're headed towards, "he's noble, if you don't date him, you're scum". When we're looking for a relationship does "average" rank below "stressed, incoherent, only talks about his Mom and how he's miserable"? JUST AS AN EXAMPLE, DUDE! NOT YOU!

>> The one thing I am sure of is that things happen for a reason.
And that reason is not necessarily good.

>> I they cant handle the fact that you take care of a sick parent, they are not for you.
I bet he says different.

>> Beside think what a rotten spouse they would be if had kids with then and thats how they felt about things.
Jesus H. Christ! Are you seriously equating dealing with a stranger's mother (also a stranger) compares with your OWN spouse and kids! Get a grip.

>> Selfless...
and I am certain there are many people out there thinking likewise.
Almost everybody . . . but they don't want to get involved. Are any of us setting off for on-site African Aid?

>>If I found a guy like you, I would HELP you take care of your ailing mother.
You found him. Now back it up with some action.

the women who don"t want to get involved with him are the women who don"t want to get involved with him and not heartless selfish swine
 justbunky
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 15
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 3:47:15 PM
Another thing - You MUST take care of yourself, or you're going to be the one needing a caregiver sooner rather than later. Stress will break a body down. And it sounds like Sis won't be there for YOU.
 06mc69
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 16
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 6:43:20 PM
If the woman cant be more understanding of your situation, then she is not a patient person, and therefore you need to search further for a mate. She is not good enough for you.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 17
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 8:44:29 PM

If the woman cant be more understanding of your situation, then she is not a patient person, and therefore you need to search further for a mate. She is not good enough for you.

The fact that what he chooses to do with his life doesn't fit with what she chooses to do with her life doesn't mean she's "not good enough." This situation is not unlike that of a single parent of young kids-- you can't expect everybody else to want to be on board with the lifestyle choices you make. In the OP's case, he either needs to accept that his choices will hamper his dating options for awhile or he needs to change his situation to make it more conducive to starting a relationship. That may mean hiring somebody to assist with his mom on occasion so that he can give a woman the time and attention she deserves. But what he shouldn't do is blame women for not wanting to shoulder HIS burden.
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 18
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 8:47:20 PM
^^^^Completely agree with Aloo
 06mc69
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 19
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 8:53:45 PM
Aloo, I guess you didnt quite understand my statement.. Maybe this man cant afford a care giver. They are quite costly. Maybe his family is unable to help when he needs it.. I am just saying, that if she really is into this guy, maybe she should be a little more understanding of his situation. It is HER choice whether or not to be understanding, and if she doesnt want to, then they are not a fit. Guess I should use laments terms from now on, because of assumptions... I do understand that when people date, they wanna be on the front burner, but if there are circumstances to where they will not be on the front burner all the time, if the couple is into each other, there should be some type of patience and understanding.. Hence, whether the OP's situation, or a single parent.. It's all in what you want to handle or not handle.. Am just specifically stating that if the girl in this case doesnt want to deal with it, they are simply not a match, for I see future problems with his situation..
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 20
Caregiver
Posted: 8/13/2010 11:45:41 PM

I am just saying, that if she really is into this guy, maybe she should be a little more understanding of his situation.

I don't know the OP's exact situation but I'm guessing he's not referring to women who are really into him but women who don't give him a chance in the first place. There's a big difference (at least to me) between standing beside a SO who decides to care for his mom and getting involved with a new guy in that situation. I'll add that I've witnessed people whose commitment to an ailing family member goes way beyond need-- possibly due to fear or guilt-- and they completely put their lives on hold for that person. I think it's a lot to expect a new love interest to essentially do the same when they don't even know the ailing person.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 21
Caregiver
Posted: 8/14/2010 6:00:40 AM
you would do better to quit blaming your sister and quit blaming other women for not wanting to date you at this time. everybody has the absolute right to define what they want and what they won't accept when it comes to dating other people, and the fact that most people would not be comfortable dating a person who is living with their frail, elderly mother should be obvious, and your bitter attitude of self-pity isn't going to help except maybe to put the last nail in the coffin of why you shouldn't be dating at this time. i think you need to adjust your expectations and quit making women responsible for them.
 mogrl42
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 22
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History
Caregiver
Posted: 8/14/2010 6:24:26 AM
any female that doesn`t understand your situation isn't worthy of your time.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 23
Caregiver
Posted: 8/14/2010 6:28:20 AM
OP...unless you have been a caregiver, it is really hard to understand the toll it takes on someone. For some who have, they realize that they will be often placed on the back burner when you are called to tend to your mom. Some people can handle that, some people can't. Either way, it is not your issue...you are doing nothing wrong.

For the record, it is a wonderful and selfless thing you are doing for your mother. Selfless acts often do seem to come with a heavy personal pricetag attached. Lonliness, the need for human affection to soothe your weary soul is normal.

Perhaps instead of focusing on what you are giving up by being the caretaker of your mother in her time of need, you could try to focus on what you are gaining. You are getting to share with your mother, the love you feel for her. You are making her life a better place to be in right now because of your love. It is a rare gift that you are able to give to her. When she passes, you will know that you gave everything you could to the woman who gave you life, who loved you and cared for you, who nurtured and supported you so you could become the man you are today.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 24
Caregiver
Posted: 8/14/2010 6:48:28 AM
I think some women have had problems with guys who can't break away from thier mommy. So to speak. Mamma's boys are actually pretty sick in many ways. If I was a woman I would run from one.

This obviously does not apply to you. Write part of what you just wrote in your profile. Make it part of your first impression.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 25
Caregiver
Posted: 8/14/2010 12:10:01 PM
Dang!! Read the OP and responses, thought about it, and have a few thoughts.

While I don't totally agree with the guy with all the quotes, he IS onto something.

Look pal, we ALL make choices about our lives, including all the women you date or try to, your sister and YOU! While some may think you noble or sincere for doing what you do, others maybe more selfish, have poor relations with their parents, may have been abused and a sh1tload of other reasons.

Your not a saint, not a martyr, just a guy making the choice of taking care of an ailing parent(not a bad thing, just not for all). As such, you need to do some reflection on how this affects you, the people around you, and the people you want in your life.

Because of your choices you "can't really stay out all night long", so maybe they NEVER could before now, maybe they went through it, or saw someone who did. Does that mean they're wrong for not wanting that same trip again? Does it mean they MUST accept you and your choices, because you say so?

Dating is supposed to be fun, at least that's how I see it, not an adjunct to pain, or a diversion from pain. Most of us have experienced illness and lose at some time in our life. Doesn't mean your doing the wrong thing, doesn't mean they are either when they walk away.

Maybe there are some women who would admire you for it, even date you or help you through it. My question would be why? Yeah it's noble to help, my thought would run to are they somehow emotionally damaged that they would start dating a guy, somewhat emotionally and mentally distracted?

I hate to say this, life's a b1tch sometimes, we get dealt a shitty hand we have to live with for a while. BUT that's on us, we deal, we go on, when it's over, we pick up the pieces and move on and live. So if all the women your meeting are saying they don't want to go through it with you, maybe dating isn't an option right now. Maybe you need to get things in a better place in your life, BEFORE you ask some woman to adjust her schedule and feelings to function on your situation.

Sorry, that's how I see it.
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