| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:04:54 PM | In another thread susu 1wa said:
If we get to this age, graduate, hopefully, from the school of hard knocks, divorces and disappointments and still not learn anything, then we are in sorry shape. Are we going to continue acting in ways that harm ourselves and others in our closest relationships? If people know how to deal with situations in ways that are advantageous to both, then why continue as if we were unconscious?
It got me to thinking. She has pointed out one of the major things wrong with how people deal with and learn from relationships.
With that being said, tell us a couple of things you learned that would help all of us next time.
I think the most important thing I learned was to remember the relationship. My ex and I were so wrapped up in our careers, the kids, the school, and the community that we forgot how to be husband and wife. We didn't go out with a bang, we went out like a flame starved of oxygen.
Bill | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:18:31 PM | You know Bill, I have found that at least half the people OK, for me men, have NOT stopped to analyze what it was they did wrong. Further more I have found that some know exactly what they did wrong, and instead of facing it, and actually working on it, they continue to do the very same thing.
Ex, I dated someone that was first off, a really huge liar about things. He would tell 1/4 truths, then later more and more of the truth would come out. He first told me he cheated on his wife once... Come to find out, he cheated on her so many times including with her own sister, that he doesn't know the number. He said that she only knew about the one where it was a full blown 4 mo affair.
He has gotten together with this gal, that is a lot like both of his ex wives, and has already cheated on her. When we were together I found out he also had cheated on me at least 2 times.
Now you may think he wasn't getting good sex, that wasn't the case, for him it is just having the ability to quench his desire to be with someone else, and not get caught. At the same time he really enjoys having the stability and goodies that come with a relationship, no matter how really unstable it is.
So with that being said, I personally learned through schooling, and extra classes to be more effective of a communicator... I have to often wonder WHY communication classes are NOT taught in high school, because it seems to be on the top of most peoples lists as to why their relationships fail...
Next, I have learned instead (this was my own choice, because I have a natural way of blaming myself for everything that doesn't work) I looked at what I did to contribute to the destruction of the relationship. No body is blameless in any relationship, no matter how perfect they portray themselves. Self analyzation is very important, because it helps a person see flaws that they have as a person.
However it does have a step further, and this is was my point of the naughty man tale, you may know what you did wrong, but you also have to be willing to do what ever it takes to change that bad behavior. It isn't enough to just acknowledge it, you have to figure out how to be different, and make sure that bad behavior doesn't continue to repeat itself... | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/20/2008 7:49:14 PM | | I don't know that communication can be taught as much as it can be learned. There is a difference and I don't have enough faith in the public school system to rely on them to teach our children how to communicate. I believe that for many of us, we get knocked around by life enough that we finally have to take a look at our part in it and make some changes. You learn to listen, to ask, to contemplate, to accept differences of opinion, and for me, to realize that I have some value and that in order to be loved, I have to love myself. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:24:09 PM | It really depends on the form and type of communication. It can be taught, but you have to be willing to learn and internalize the lessons.
There are many formal classes you can take to improve different aspects of your communication skills. Sadly, male/female interpersonal communication isn't something that's readily taught in any institution. There's also a LOT of bad info to weed through.
Women generally have it easier than men, as the mass media is geared to feed them info on relationships and communication, for men, well - it's just not that way. There's a lot of good info on how to maintain and build an established relationship, but there's a dearth of information on how to generate attraction, build rapport, and bond with a woman to establish the relationship that everyone tells you how to "fix" or "maintain" that you should already have. Talk about a catch-22. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:50:00 PM | I think it IS really sad that there isn't good classes on the subject. I have taken several as I said, because they were required for my degree. I also took an anger management course, because I knew I internalized anger until I couldn't see straight.
I didn't learn good communication skills as a kid, and I certainly didn't have any good example of what marriage or a relationship was supposed to be like... It would be one thing if most kids lived in functional, communicative house holds, OR had examples of that to see on tv. Now a days the norm seems to be the chuckle and giggle of life like the family guy, or the simpsons... such great examples of what healthy communication is about...
I don't know...
Those are things I have learned... Haven't had an actual relationship since I have taken these classes, so I don't know how well they'd work. BUT I do know that my ex and I can communicate more effectively then we did before, and NO it isn't just because we are divorced. He still will go into his tangents like he did before, and now instead of reacting, I just redirect him to the actual topic at hand, WHICH is about our son, and the issue we need to handle with him.... | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:05:29 AM | nexthyme I do the same with my ex, let it go and stay on topic about the kids.
As for communication that is very important to me, and yes it is learned and everyone should have it, people would get along better! For me if the guy doesnt have it then the relationship with him will not work, I will not go there.
Listen to others is useful and part of communication. Yes many have egos and are they in a happy, loving long relationship? NO, they block the communication. This goes for men and women.
I have learned to look for this in a man as my number one quality in a relationship with a man | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:36:39 PM | | I think that the biggest thing that I learned is that if I can not accept my partner exactly for who he is with all his shortcomings, quirks and wonderful qualitites I have no business being with him. My only regret is taking WAY to long to get to this acceptance in my last relationship. Acceptance access growth. Also a mentor of mine suggested that the more we can accept our partner for who they are the freer they are to be more of who they are - I know that I aspire to do this fully for my next partner. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:01:32 AM | | luna, that's another good point. If we are falling in love with a person, we are making that choice to love them, even with the irritants that may crop up over how they chew, how they squeeze the toothpaste and even larger items like their politics for example. I know I want to be accepted for who I am, and some days, that person is moody or impatient. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:11:43 AM | Msg. 1
I think the most important thing I learned was to remember the relationship. My ex and I were so wrapped up in our careers, the kids, the school, and the community that we forgot how to be husband and wife. We didn't go out with a bang, we went out like a flame starved of oxygen.
What did you expect really? When an average American lifestyle is spent trying to pay for all things at prices that can't be afforded. From the cars that require credit for loans, and the homes that require more. With basic necessities, including infomation, that are sold at rediculous rates of payment. Including the necessity of private transportation. Still considered in the letter of the law, and those whom enforce it, tax it, and legislate those "opportunities" as a "privilege".
Economics at base has an "opportunity cost" for everything. But when the people you love begin to become less than, because of over priced necessities- is there any "opportunity" left after those expenses, in terms of time, emotion, and finance?
In the above situation of America, it's real easy and very common to have relationships that "go out with a wimper" and erode like bad asphalt. When everything outside the relationship is tyranical in its pompous necessity to be catered to. From unreasonable gas prices, to "flexible" scheduals that serve others and not yourself, overcomitted tenures to orginizations outside the household, and trying to "keep pace with ones neighbours". At the end of the very long days without end, for a minimum wage and not a living one, what is left for yourself? Not to go without mention, those whom you love?
Now being "flexible" is one thing, but being a contortionist is a circus act. An act, I feel that should never have been made incarnate as "mainstream" in American culture. Overworked, and to no productive end. In an economy of "service", that provides none to members of its own nation. Particualrly towards any valid persuit of its founding declarations.
In short, the "My fellow Americans" have done this to themselves. Its no wonder as to why it spills over like foul sewage into any romantic-esque relationships.
But its not like someone actually put a gun to your head. At least thats what you may be telling your self, as you speed read for the "bullet points" in an "important" company presentation. As mostly, one needs only to dress for success, and possess a devious resume for the any career, and its later "benefits".
That really have no bearing on anything involving ones relationships, of course. Or the supposed freedom that making "all that money" gives a person. ;)
When the persuit of capital, readily provides is its own system of selfish enslavements to. A very bad end, that fuels its own collective misery. On all levels of being, including romantic.
9 to 9 | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:22:20 AM | Thanks again for another great thread, guys. Being a couple weeks away still from the final deal, I feel like a newbie at this. But it is probably never too early for self-awareness.
My ex had this line when we were a couple of years into difficult times that we needed to rewind our lives and try to date each other as if we didn't know anything about each other. I never understood that process, particularly since we had two children, two jobs, and generally too much going on. I find it ironic now, that as the divorce comes to a close, she is in effect getting her way, just not with me.
My goal would be to listen creatively, I think. Trying my personal best to spice up someone's life just by trying to hear what their needs are. The trouble is, I think I have done that in the past. But, what would need to be new is that I do it for my own satisfaction, such that when I don't succeed to my counter-part's satisfaction, I can still take pride in knowing that I did what I could and continue to find ways of improvement.
Possibly a noble undertaking, but I'm not sure how sustained my success will be ... blast the old "willing spirit, weak flesh" conundrum. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/2/2008 11:15:52 AM | | Not to post anything in the forums that you don't want on your profile page. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/2/2008 5:52:08 PM | | In my early 20's, I was jealous and untrusting. I've learned (it took til my mid 20's) that you have to trust your partner, or it will never work. If it doesn't work and he cheats, or moves on...it just wasn't the right partner for me. The guy just saved me time from finding someone who's willing to work on a relationship and is as devoted to the relationship as I am......thought I found it once....but nope... | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:11:10 PM |
With that being said, tell us a couple of things you learned that would help all of us next time.
A couple of things I learned:
No matter how much I poured into the relationship, holding myself back in any way was only dooming the relationship to failure. When I erected walls to protect my heart I was essentially closing myself off to him and to the love that he may have been able to give me.
In order to be happy in a relationship I have to be happy with myself. Does that mean I won't have self-doubt or fears? No, it means that I have to love myself before I can love someone else.
I learned that in order to get what I need I must communicate better (I know that's been said). If I want and/or need something I have to speak up and not wish he could read my mind or know what I needed because he knew me for so long. I learned that sometimes it's okay to say, I want to do this - even if my partner doesn't because that's what I want. Compromise is essential - but not if you lose yourself in the process.
I did a lot of reflection and realize that I am also 50% at fault for the failure of my marriage. I cannot blame him for failing me, I can only blame myself for not allowing him to meet my needs and I can only work on my short-comings without pointing out what I perceived as failings in him to him. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:39:29 AM | I guess the women on this thread learned it's the man's fault and how to guard against men...too funny.
I've learned to be a work in progress for myself and if who I am seems to attract others I must be getting some of it right. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:16:25 AM | Wow Jimmy. You are just reading what you want and ignoring the rest. I EVERY female post I have read (and wrote), there has been lessons on growth within each individual woman that we initially didn't have. All your views seem is that you refuse to look within yourself and are too busy blaming women...you know, kinda like the old philosophy of the one who screams the loudest is usually the one to blame. Try to learn not to assume anything about anyone until you know for sure. That's one value you should really learn. And I truly believe old dogs CAN learn new tricks. Good luck. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/21/2008 8:29:02 AM | I believe that at our age.. the longer we are single, the harder it will be to find someone.
we are less tolerant, less willing, and feel we deserve better.. because of this fact. We tend to be picky.. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/21/2008 6:24:30 PM | | I'm not so sure I believe that, fst. I have seen some of my older friends who decided that they were tired of being alone, so they'll settle for whatever guy comes around next. I think you are right that SOME people are like that, but not enough to generalize. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/21/2008 11:35:40 PM | I tell myself I want a relationship but maybe I should keep things as they are
I've been on my own for so long I probably don't know how to be a couple 
| |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:58:28 AM | [ quote]I'm not so sure I believe that, fst. I have seen some of my older friends who decided that they were tired of being alone, so they'll settle for whatever guy comes around next.
uh...... wouldn't your opinion that they are just settling for just anyone validate my point? | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:01:28 AM |
I've been on my own for so long I probably don't know how to be a couple
I believe your views earlier were " oh ye of little faith"? | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 8:14:03 AM | Yes, and I posted a link to show those who have found love here - didn't say I was on that list :)
| |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 9:42:32 AM | Fst, you typed 'I believe that at our age.. the longer we are single, the harder it will be to find someone. we are less tolerant, less willing, and feel we deserve better"
My perception of that statement was that because people get older, they get pickier, less willing to compromise, and find it more difficult to find a significant older, so they remain single. Which I tied into your previous posting (I think it was on this post) about not wanting to be with someone who hasn't been already married. So no, my point is the opposite of what you said. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:39:35 PM |
So no, my point is the opposite of what you said.
Sorry,My bad, I thought you were implying that because of the difficulties of finding someone compatible they were just settling. | |
|
| What have we learned?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:43:31 PM |
Yes, and I posted a link to show those who have found love here - didn't say I was on that list :)
Here is list of the latest publishers clearinghouse winners.. you will notice im not on that one either.
http://www.pch.com/winnerscircle/winnercircle.shtml | |
|
| |
Home
login 
