| | Approaching women, why not?Page 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | Guys, I'm following up here on a suggestion made by a poster in a previous thread I posted on the over-45 forum. If you see a woman you are attracted to, in any social environment, what are some of the reasons that prevent you from approaching her to get to know her? I'm assuming here that you would want to. If you do get to know her and want to move the relationship to a different level, how would you go about making that change? I'm curious to find out as I tend to end up with guy friends I like but I never know whether I want more. I definitely get the feeling they are interested in taking it further, but I'm wary about encouraging anything more when I'm feeling so unsure. On the other hand, I wonder why they are not making an attempt to do so. At least I would know where I stand then. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 7:15:45 PM | Often if I see a woman that I'm attracted to in a social environment, I'm too shy to just go up and say hi. If it's just anywhere, and I don't know the person, it would seem a bit weird to me. If it's at a party, where you're expected to chat to people, or in a class where we have something in common to talk about then it's different.
If I wanted to take a relationship with one of my girl friends to another level, I honestly have no idea how I'd do that. I've never attempted that. Maybe the reason that some of your guy friends who may be interested in you aren't trying that is because they are scared of losing you as a friend if they try. That would be a concern of mine. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 7:19:07 PM | 1) If she is packing a "meat shield"....good luck unless the guy has a buddy that owes him a favor and is willing to sacrifice for the greater good.
Translation: Don't bring your fat friends around. Guys balk at that because chances are one of the guys will be expected to deal with her, while the guy that likes you does his thing. The "unattractive" friend is like public enemy No. 1 for "cockblocking" followed closely by your "horny buddy". If you approach the "prize" and don't have something to appease the "beast" you brought with you, then she may go all out to make sure everyone leaves alone! I know it sounds shallow...but it is an honest answer. Not many men want "matador" duties.
2) The girl that is touchy with all the guys around her is a no-go as well. Men have a hard time telling if she is "with" one of them or if they are just close friends. Sending mixed signals is very bad. Men like myself have a hard time with those suble cues as it is and by doing things like that it only makes things harder.
3) The ring on the finger (you know which one).
4) A small herd of children running around like "lord of the flies". = BAD. Well disciplined and considerate children = A Wash (your personality better out weigh the fact you have them) | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 7:46:25 PM | | Reasons for not approaching her... I guess if she's with a group of friends I'd be reluctant. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:24:41 PM | take a step forward yourself if needed.
guys, you won't know anything unless you talk to her. some of my previous gf's had rings on their finger, (it mean's nothing)... and those guys may just be friends. don't miss any more opportunities, at the very least, you meet some cool people. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:38:20 PM |
If you see a woman you are attracted to, in any social environment, what are some of the reasons that prevent you from approaching her to get to know her?
I think I wrote this out somewhere else or something close to it but covering a variety of settings. Various signs she doesn't want to be approached by me will do it. The rules vary depending on the man who is the would be approacher with every woman who's ever told me about the guys that have approached her.
1) She's with a guy. Obvious.
2) She's with a friend or friends. It's bad to break into the group.
3) She's not giving any signs that she would like me to approach. Some women do not like being approached at all.
4) The signs are confusing and could be 'just friendly' . Take it the wrong way and you end up with the woman who doesn't like being approached and gets mad at you for being 'dumb'.
5) she seems to be enjoying the music or whatever and probably doesn't want to be bothered. See 3)
6) she seemingly doesn't want to be bothered by the way she turns away other guys.
Somewhere along the way the rules changed and a man had to be a mind reader. When the mind reading abilities aren't working I just have guess on the clues AND overcome my shyness. Then things move into risk-benefit analysis. Which means a very attractive woman who is alone that does some sort of overt sign is on the high probability side of being approached and a minimally attractive woman who gives no sign is with 3 friends (two girls and a guy) while rejecting other guys is going to be on the low probability side. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:50:14 PM |
Then things move into risk-benefit analysis.
Hehe, risk-benefit analysis. I like it. It's so true. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:51:15 PM | | Women are rarely out alone, which is the major barrier for most guys. If women really are looking to get picked up, they need to seperate from their friends. It's easier to approach someone who looks bored and alone. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:52:31 PM | I had this very talk with some of my female friends and what they had to say was this ...
A group of women sitting at a table in a social setting like a club will have already looked at the guy and made up their minds about the guy , even before he has gotten to the table... If they think he is cute they will talk to him , if he falls in the not cute area he is then dumped ...A woman alone is easier to talk to if she has had a good day , however , a woman alone that has had a bad day will resort to the same tactics as the group...A guy stands a 50 / 50 chance when approaching a woman or group of women
in a club setting , in a smaller social setting women are easier to approach because they are more at ease and expect to talk with more people...Guys put women into groups just like women put guys in groups - seems silly and childish but it's what we all do, I to have a few real close female friends that I would do anything for , but , over the years they have been put in that group of " we are just friends - like brother
& sister and nothing more" , why , because you get to know them and can feel over time if there is something there that can be taken to the next level or not ... If there is one of ur guy friends that you think there is hope for a relationship with then hang with him more than the others and see for yourself by maybe asking him out ( which would blow his mind) or by getting him alone for some quiet time...There is no greater
gift than friendship !!! | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:00:22 PM | matters what you are talking about. cold approach to a woman you don't know? There is a huge reason. Successful guys fail those approaches a good 75% of the time or more. Most guys wouldnt be anywhere even remotely close to be considered successful.
regardless of that its a fear of failure. Yeah yeah yeah its all a learning experience and youll never know if you dont approach and blah blah blah but thats pretty much it. did you know more men have a fear of failure than death? that should give you a huge clue as to why it happens.
There are other smaller reasons mostly associated with society teaching men to be wusses but thats a longer discussion | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:01:28 PM | Here are some general reasons why men wouldn't approach a woman
1. Shyness
2. Fear of Rejection
3. Lack of Confidence
4. She is with another man
5. Doesn't appear to be interested in meeting any men ( such as dancing in a circle with a large group of friends ) | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:29:53 PM | It's the image one projects that attracts, or repells. If you, or women in general are in a group, you are sometimes hard to approach. It takes a few minutes to sometimes see if she is wearing a ring also. No reason to approach if she's married.
You know as well as we do, that it's all about attitude. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/20/2008 9:37:04 PM | There are different reasons for different men. And it varies by age. Probably varies depending on what region of the world you are in too.
I'd say in general, for most men, the main sticking points are: lack of attraction, fear of rejection if they are attractive, years of being discouraged and put down by women, and intimidation if they are lawyers or have very successful careers.
The terrible way men are portrayed in the media and in society, plus just so many years of attempting relationships, contributes to poor self-image, depression, and alienation from society doesn't help.
At my age (53), with women 48 to 56, lack of physical attraction is #1. Women in my age group are often very interesting to talk to and make excellent conversation and activity companions. But I'm only sexually interested when there is a sufficiently sexually attractive woman around to make me interested, and then I'm only sexually interested in her. Unfortunately I only find maybe 10% of women in my age group attractive that way. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 1:12:59 AM | Men are genetically programmed to experience anxiety while approaching a potential mate.
It can literally cripple a person, especially if they sit there and dwell on it.
Women don't experience anything like this. | |
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Wride1
| | Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 2:03:45 AM | Well honestly I rarely approach women when I'm out and about... I have never been successful in getting anything but an acquaintance.
I also tend to like to sit back and analyze situations and people when I'm working as a bouncer. The things I notice that tend to turn guys away...
1. They're with a group of friends. This makes it extremely awkward to approach one girl because all of them need to be treated with respect, but must also make it clear who he's interested in.
2. She turns away other guys. If she is turning down guys right and left, why bother to make an approach?
3. She's with a guy. No matter if he's a good friend, the gay friend they go out with, a brother, or her cousin's niece's best friend's nephew, if you're with another guy it looks like you're taken or not interested.
4. No obvious signals. Guys need to be basically slapped across the face with a sign. Something that could happen anyway like twirling your hair isn't good enough for us.
Those are the main reasons guys don't approach. Other reasons include the fact that women are always complaining that men are approaching them in bars/clubs/what have you when they're just out looking to have fun/dance/drink/whatever. Sorry, guys are looking for women when they dress up, go out, spend money, and try to dance. If you're just looking to dance in that outfit, stay at home, because you are getting approached!
Also if you're interested, feel free to make the first move. We really don't mind you sending us a drink, or you coming over and talking to us. And very rarely will a girl approach and not at least get conversation. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 3:11:15 AM | Other reasons include the fact that women are always complaining that men are approaching them in bars/clubs/what have you when they're just out looking to have fun/dance/drink/whatever. Sorry, guys are looking for women when they dress up, go out, spend money, and try to dance. If you're just looking to dance in that outfit, stay at home, because you are getting approached!
This is very true.
Tell us what ****ing works with you! We'll do it, because we're interested in you!
If there were no women, bars would be empty. We aren't going there for the fun of it! We're there hoping that you're there.
So when we see you there, you aren't interested! This is the place we agreed upon, and you act like you didn't get the memo.
We know damn well you got the memo, and now you're just screwing with the system. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:15:44 AM | OP, ordinarily I'd be tempted to jump in and have my two cents, but there have been so many good replies that it's not needed. Now, will you learn from this? Will all women learn from this? Sadly, I doubt that even this thread will penetrate the shield of feminine stubbornness. Maybe, if every single girl in America laser-etched it into their mirror, there'd be some hope that you'd understand us. But what will happen is that this thread will repeat in various forms until enough people vote for deleting it.
The wisdom is out there for women to understand men. We've provided it. The real problem is that women don't avail themselves of the resource. Why? Now that is a good question. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:21:30 AM | | Why not? That's what I'm saying. I do. All the time. I expect a girl to know how to flirt too though, I'm not gonna do all the work. But if I see a girl I'm attracted to and she looks approachable, I will approach her every time. If guys aren't approaching you, you either need to make yourself more attractive, put yourself out more where men can approach you, or make sure you look approachable. If you have all three down, there should be no problem. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:37:04 AM | Men are insecure to approach a women! ever though about it that we women have the same problem when it comes to approach a guy, we all have the same insecure feelings... And we may life in 21st century most of women still wait till the guy takes the first step.
From friends to relationship level, if you can feel or see the other person is getting more then "just friend" signs go for it don't stay to long in the friends zone. there are so many sign you can see if he/she wants more, why wait till the other one takes the first step he/she maybe shy or scared for rejection.
if a women is in a group, you can approach her if you see there is no guy in group who is close to her, buy he a drink "but don't let the waiter bring it to her do it yourself" and join the group can be fun and you may get to know some new people.
Not all women have the flirting skills, just like not all the guys have the flirting skills!
zen xx | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:15:34 AM | | For me it's just timing. Alot of times I see a gorgeous woman but don't have the time to invest in a real relationship so I don't approach otherwise I would approach nearly every woman I saw. Your friends might be just as afraid as you are. It takes boldness to approach someone so they're probably searching for the right time and courage to ask you out. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:53:52 AM | For the cold approach, most guys want to look cool. It's easier to look cool just hangin' out than it is to approach a woman in most cases. Think about the "shoot-down": If you're not a salesman how often do you experience this in everyday life, nobody wants that.
That friendship cliche is true, as in (at least in my case) I'm afraid of losing it but more often girls I end up with as friends are girls that I am physically attracted to, didn't manage to ask out/make out with in the first 48 hours, but know things would not work out long-term. | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 6:11:36 AM | This is my take on the subject and many good points have been brought up already so I hope I don't repeat.
My number one reason for not approaching women in ANY situation is that I have thrown in the towel. I give up. I learned my lesson and am so much happier for it.
How can I say this? Let me put it this way: one night I went out with some friends and stated: I'm not letting the rejections get to me tonight. So I went forth with the goal to meet someone new that night.
Well let me tell you at 2:30 am we were sitting in a coffeeshop and I added them up. TWENTY SEVEN times I was shot down over 4 or 5 bars, 2 restaurants and at a friend's place. The next day I vowed to never ask another woman out. That was....10 yrs ago? 8? something like that.
The real clincher for me was when we ran into one of the ladies I approached that night a few weeks later. I forget how word got back to me but she basically said that "she did actually want to get to know me but was playing hard to get that night with me..." Hard to get? LOL she played hard to get so well she never got got!!! DOH That was an epiphane for me. That right there proved to me that my decision was the right one.
I just want to add that the above ONLY applies to Toronto and NYC. Anywhere else I will still approach women because at least in many other cities (namely Montreal, Calgary etc) women don't play games and are more open and friendly and don't have this unreasonable mental image of Mr Perfect and shoot down automatically anyone who isn't he....... | |
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:18:23 AM | rentahusband - Damn that sucks man - it still amazes me how women do not get what us guys have to go through. I mean, to get rejected 27 times is no easy feat - if that doesn't put a man into a severe bout of depression, low self esteem and self loathing I don't know what will!
I doubt any woman could handle that sort of rejection and keep on trucking (due to women being more emotional creatures by design), kudos to you dude!
I'm in the same boat, however I've only approached a girl once, who said she had a boyfriend. I guess it wasn't that big a deal, but after enough rejections one has to ask if the women are right about something? Thus the loss of self confidence, which is apparently the most appealing quality to a woman. Anyone else seeing the irony here?
**************Women seldom have to approach men*****************
- Obviously there are exceptions to this, but look around in any bar or club and the above statement holds true 95% of the time.
As a result of the above, a womans ego/image of herself becomes reinforced by positive male attention. Hence, to approach a man with her ego relatively inflated and then to get shot down, seems like a deathly experience which she would rather avoid.
Furthermore, she has no need to approach due to the lines of men worshiping the ground that she walks on. Which in turn drives other men away as they do not want to be one of the "hounders". Catch 22 once again.
Now mix all of the above with the general concensus that women hate being "hit on" by guys in bars/clubs anymore and bam, instant confusion for the male race. Oh and be sure to mix in a good dollop of Cosmo and Heat in there for added BS.
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:38:33 AM | but I'm wary about encouraging anything more when I'm feeling so unsure. On the other hand, I wonder why they are not making an attempt to do so. At least I would know where I stand then.
When you play poker, do you think it is only fair that everybody show you their cards so you can decide what to do next? 
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| Approaching women, why not?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:23:19 AM | Hey, men--it is unilkely any woman is going to be "out" all alone. The scenarios here are all sounding sort of night-clubby, and I do not really think there are that many women out there by themselves.
And I would say, quite frankly, that if she is alone, she WANTS to be alone, or to get laid. OUCH--hard to decide, huh? Did she look at you? Approach. Did she look at you then quickly roll her eyes and get back to reading her book? Do not approach. | |
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