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| E.D.
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:14:42 PM | Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f***ing bed | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:15:04 PM | That was a good joke... thanks for chuckle
Here is mine
A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal
with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study
your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offerand they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've
been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you
have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your
hair cut.'
The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even
a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?'
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:03:11 AM | A lady give two little boys a piece of candykiss each. The
one little boy said, what kind is this. The lady said, I will
give you a hint, it is something your mother gives your father
right before they go to sleep. The other little boy said,
quick, spit it out, its a piece of ass. | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:08:26 PM | Time for an other Joke
Its about 3 women
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/22/2008 9:15:41 PM | A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!'
Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:57:16 AM | A Lesson in Grammar
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this". That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "All you or your wife has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But he warned - it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife, Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123". He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life...just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:59:31 PM | Now, In français
Un soir, après bientôt 45 ans de mariage,
un couple est au lit quand la femme sent que son mari commence à la caresser comme il ne l'avait plus fait depuis bien longtemps.
Il commence par lui titiller le cou, puis descend le long du dos jusqu'au creux des reins.
Il lui caresse les épaules, puis le cou, puis les seins et s'arrêt pile sur son bas-ventre.
Il entreprend alors de placer sa main sur l'intérieur de son bras gauche,
effleure encore une fois son sein, sa hanche puis parcourt sa fesse et sa jambe gauche jusqu'au mollet.
Puis il remonte à l'intérieur de la cuisse et s'arrête tout en haut de sa jambe.
Il fait la même chose de l'autre côté et s'arrête soudainement, se tourne sur le côté et ne dit pas un mot.
Comme toutes ces caresses lui avaient fait pas mal d'effet, elle lui demande amoureusement :
'Chéri, c'était merveilleux, pourquoi t'es-tu arrêté ?'
Il marmonne 'J'ai retrouvé la télécommande' :-)
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:25:50 PM | Jeez marriage seems like such good fun 
All good jokes  | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:41:15 PM | Thank you ^^^^^^
Here is one of my favorites
Waaaayyyyy too funny and true!
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
-Walter
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:03:33 PM | ^ Haha good one, definately going to forward that one :) ^
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:06:39 PM | ok no offense to the ladies-heard this one the other day
THis lady on her way home from work decides to make a quick stop at her supermarket, she is waiting in the cashier`s line to pay when all of a sudden this drunk man taps her on the shoulder and says to her your single
she looks at her 4 items, milk,apples, cereal and yogart and turns to the drunk man and why yes I am single but how in the world could you know that? the drunk man replies "cause your ugly"
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:09:20 PM | I dont think that joke is going to get me many dates
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| E.D.
Posted: 7/28/2008 4:48:18 AM | This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, the guy said what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the Canadian government, so I told the Mounted Police about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because he's such a fu cking liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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FLL1
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Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 14 | |
| E.D.
Posted: 8/3/2008 7:01:32 PM | "Il marmonne 'J'ai retrouvé la télécommande' :-)"
Mystique,
Vous m'avez fait bien rire! Marrante et si courante cette histoire...:-)
Contactez moi svp, le click de par ici n'arrive pas à vous rejoindre, c'est bien dommage!
A bientôt! | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:33:51 PM | Joke time again
Best Little Johnnie joke!
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad
he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.'
Can he see?
'Yes,' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great,' said Little Johnnie,'cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:42:48 PM | I love little johnnie.
ok my turn:
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:08:46 PM | | I love that duck joke... just like me..." annoying" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/6/2008 1:48:35 PM | | Did you hear about the virgins and the arranged marriage? The bride and her girlfriends spend all the pre-wedding days making the gowns, preparing food, arranging the ceremony and the dinner. The groom and his friends spend the days fixing up an old home. The bride keeps hearing about how great the wedding night will be. The groom is given hints by his friends on how to do the deed. The wedding goes perfectly. The families and guests are ecstatic with how smoothly the day and evening has gone. The groom takes his bride to their home, carries her across the threshold and into the bedroom where he makes hot, passionate love to her for the first time. He looks at her and says, 'What do you think?' She replies, 'I think the ceiling should be blue.' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/10/2008 1:01:27 PM | Men are like...
1. Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you!
2. Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are!
3. Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them!
4. Men are like... Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why!
5. Men are like... Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth & they usually head right for your hips!
6. Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe a word they say!
7. Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like... Government Bonds... They take sooooooooo long to mature!
9. Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion!
10. Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while!
11. Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!
12. Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright!
Cheerios!
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/10/2008 2:55:29 PM | good yokes people and here is mine
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
>>office.
>>The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
>>The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
>>The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
>>couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>>When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
>>wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
>>He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
>>and he says good bye.
>>The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
>>again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>>This happens several weeks in a row.
>>The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
>>the doctor, then leave.
>>Finally, after 3 months o f this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but
>>I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
>>The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
>>She's married so we can't go to her house.
>>I'm married and we can't go to my house.
>>The Holiday Inn charges $98.
>>The Hilton charges $139.
>>We do it here for $50, and
>>I get $43 back from Medicare. | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:33:09 PM | Joke Time again
This is priceless - make sure you read to the end.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to
'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercing's,
tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns her own trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for
cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love, Your Son
P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you, Call me when it's safe to come home...
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/17/2008 4:43:50 AM | A man goes into a bar and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."
The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your panties down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.
“You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.
Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pus sy with Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pus sy with Stella and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.......
"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella!!!! | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/17/2008 6:02:10 PM | | errrrrrrrrrrr | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:47:06 AM | This is a groaner!!
A guy walks in and sits down at the end of the bar.
Just a few seats down from him, there is a very buxom blonde with
huge size 44DD breasts.
The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the
mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's
boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over,
retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.
Each time he calls for a beer this happens.. So after
his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.. The next time the
bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts ... AND SHE DECKS HIM!!!
He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning,
'Jeez...then why do you let the bartender do it?'
Get ready...here it comes...
'Because,' says the blonde, 'he has a licker license!' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:01:29 PM | An Irish Pub Joke...
An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.
It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.
'So... you've been out drinking again!'
'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.
'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
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