| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:36:29 PM | Im reading on this site that a lot of men dont want to date women with kids who have different dads which I can understand,but you never know a persons story unless you give them a chance to tell it.So for all you men who dont date women who have more than one babies daddy.Read my situation and tell me if wouldnt date me because of that alone.b Please be honest I wont be offended. I want to know because I'm just starting to try and date again after a very long time and having a new baby.
My kids are 11yrs apart.My 11yr olds father died 1oyrs ago when she was 1yrs old and I was 18.Ive raised her alone,but then later on I married and just had another baby with my now ex husband. So what do you guys think of that? | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:49:30 PM | In regards to the first father, ouch. I know it was 10 years ago but that's a crappy thing to happen at 18.
This bit though ...
just had another baby with my now ex husband.
kinda makes me wonder about details. If I were seeing you I might wonder what happened during those 9 months ...
BTW, "you never know a persons story unless you give them a chance to tell it" ... agreed completely, but hey, people are judgmental. :) I can guarantee pretty much every man and woman on this site has passed up or "Read Deleted" someone who would have been great for them over some misunderstanding in a profile or a forum post that gave them a bad impression or some other situation where they didn't get the whole story.
As for whether or not I'd date you, I dunno, depends more on your schedule than anything. As a general rule I prefer women without kids, and almost every one that has one has some kind of bad story in the background (divorce, widow, rape victim, relationship drama in general) so you're not special in that regard. It's not a deal breaker IMO.
I doubt any normal man with a functioning brain would not even worry about this type of circumstance.
You doubt they would not even worry? Did that come out right? | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:50:41 PM | Everyone has a story, and that story usually paints them in a pretty good light.
The more cynical side of me asks why you've got a newborn baby and an ex-husband. The really cynical side of me asks if you just had the baby because the relationship was falling apart only to watch it fail as he left anyway.
Thankfully, I'm not a cynical person. ^ ^ | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:59:27 PM | That's not bad I think it's more understandable in your case because your first died, and you married your second. But a lot of people are quick to judge when they don't know the story.
Where I live you sometimes see a women who has never been married, with 3 kids with all different fathers and many people are quick to judge. My friend is with a women who had 2 kids with different fathers and now they have 2 kids together. I personally have to admit that I don't normally like going for women who have kids by multiple fathers for a few reasons. The first one, is that you know that you're going to have to deal with those fathers coming around who are her exes, for the res of your life if you marry her! Now, if the fathers are kool and you get along with them, great, but if their is tension and bitterness in the relationship (which their often is) then it can become a constant pain.
The next obvious thing is that it looks very bad. (hey don't yell at me, I'm just telling you why guys don't like it.) You constantly have people whispering behind your back especially family. If you find a guy that doesn't care, then great. But fact is that most people do care what people think.
Then their is the thought that some women think they have to get pregnant and have a baby for the guy to stay. I know women that have done that as well as had kids for welfare reasons. (sounds crazy doesn't it. I couldn't believe it for a while either, until I was asked to do it a couple times which I of course declined!) | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:03:29 PM | Well, honestly... Your situation is a bit different... from my perspective, I would echo the sentiments of the previous posters who ask... "why the newborn and the Ex"
Seems there was a bit of tension, or some problematic situations that were not worked out "before" the kidlet showed up on the scene...
So, now you're going to ask any guy that comes along, to gratefully accept second place in anything involving your life... because you have the kidlets.
And beware of the mangina's who are going to kiss your ass, in hopes of gaining some semblance of acceptance by you. LOL... Its a tough road you have. I wish you the best. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:06:40 PM | Your situation is perfectly understandable. (And you're very attractive, btw.)
But most women who have multiple children from multiple fathers don't have a similar story. Most of them are, simply put, sluts. And men generally don't want to marry sluts. We'll hang out with them, we'll have sex with them, but we aren't going to walk down the aisle with them.
That's why a lot of men who hear that you have two kids from two different fathers will automatically assume the worst about you. In order to prevent that, be sure to explain the situation to them. Most will be understanding. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:10:02 PM |
Everyone has a story, and that story usually paints them in a pretty good light.
That's a terrific point.
No one is going to say, "Yeah, I have four kids from three different men, none of whom I ever married, and that's because I'm an amoral slut." It just doesn't happen. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:11:50 PM | yes i see your point but because my kids are 11yrs apart in age shows that im not out getting pregnant by every other guy i date.the fact the my new babys father was my husband shows that i was married 1st and doing the "right thing" if you will lol.
and just for the record no i didnt have the baby to try and keep him in my life.
its almost worse...we were actually already separated after 7yrs of marrige and slept together a couple more times as people who jst broke up often do and i got pregnant. after never getting pregnant while we were together lol. and me becoming pregnant did not change the fact that i didnt want to be with him anymore.i kept my baby for me and my older daughter. it wasnt an easy decision but it was the right thing for me.
she fits right into mu life. in fact she was even born on the same exact day my 1st husband died 10yrs ago and to me and my family that is very special.
its just very different now to date now that i have two kids after 11yrs.
so im just getting opinions.
thanks for your insight i do appreciate your honesty.have a nice day | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:14:28 PM | | There is absolutely nothing wrong with your story. You obviously lost someone who meant a lot to you and your oldest quite some time ago. The fact you were able to move on from that speaks volumes. Anyone with their head screwed on right (both of them) shouldn't have anything against your situation. Many guys may be worried that they'd end up as father of a 3rd, but in reality this is just weeding out the scrupulous individuals that you probably wouldn't want to date anyways. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:22:00 PM | I think a lot of guys are reluctant to get involved with single women with kids regardless of the circumstances. Of course, the older your target demographic, the less of a problem this is. Of course, at 29 you're still looking at a youthful demographic.
Talking about women who have a lot of kids, this becomes an issue when there are 3 or more children in a span of less than 5 years, with an average of less than 2 kids per father. Anyone who gets to know you well enough to hear your story isn't going to stereotype you. He may worry that you've got a Baby-Curse... Two out of two men who've procreated with you have had something bad happen to them (death, divorce). If they're superstitious, anyways. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:41:45 PM |
we were actually already separated after 7yrs of marrige and slept together a couple more times as people who jst broke up often do and i got pregnant.
Ah but you see, that's the beef right there.
No problem that you are seperated.
No problem that you are going to divorce.
Again, no problem that you have an itch that need scratching.
But for the both of you, knowing your relationship is on skid row, not to use protection... that's where the problem lies. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 6:36:29 PM | I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I'm just trying to respond to your situation, how I honostly see it. While I agree that your situation isn't as bad as the I have kids with multiple fathers could be. I would avoid some one in your situation for the following reasons.
1. You got pregnant at the age of 18. While obviously this is your right, and there is nothing really morally wrong with it, I generally think it is not a good idea because it requires you to take care of a young child, rather then work on a college degree or develop a solid career to comfortably pay for the child.
2. You've been with a man /possibly were married to a man who is now dead at around the age of 18. The red flag I see here, is I'm assuming that he was fairly young. Early 30s at the latest. Often when younger people die, it is because of a poor choice. Granted, if it was some freak car accident where your man was no way at fault, I would be much more sympathetic. However, me being me (which is not necessarily a good thing) would assume that it was something of him hanging wtih the wrong crowd, or living a dangerious life style, which in effect tarnishes your character due to your choice of men.
3. The fact that you married and needed to get a divorce, and got pregnant by an ex-husband (unless he stil was your husband, I thought you indicated this though), is continueing to show a pattern of what I consider rather large mistakes.
In all likeliness I may be to critical, after all I'm only 23 so it is possible I can make some of the same mistakes. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:06:12 PM | | I think your being over critical of yourself. My first wife had 2 kids from different ex husbands. Those that will criticize you for having 2 children by two different dads aren’t worth listening too. I personally see a bigger problem in a woman that has no ex’s, never wanted children, and has gone through her entire life without trying to live it. To me, that is a bigger red flag. Any man that can’t understand you have had two children, is too immature for you anyway, and doesn’t deserve you. Life is really short, and you have tried to live it and made two marks along the way that will out live you into the future. Children do that for us, it is almost like giving parents an immortal legacy. Whatever amount of time any of us have left, is best spent living the rest of it with someone you love, and not chastising someone for a life you lived before them. Don’t beat up on yourself. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:55:22 PM | GrnEydLdy: First let me say that you thread title is EXCELLENT. It presents the issue, hints at details to come, and ask for feedback and consideration. A+++
Likewise the way you have told your story details and responded to the posters here shows dignity, class, intelligence and composure. These are very attractive qualities in a man or a woman, and just from your writings, I'd put you above 85% of the posters on this forum.
Now....sometimes even with care, people just catch bad breaks, and that's what it seems happened to you. Unfortunately, it will cut you out of most of the general dating pool for quite a while, especially when you have a teenager and pre-schooler in the house.
All is not lost, however. You're still fairly young so men will come at you continuously --- you will not have a problem attracting men. The problem will be sorting through the mess to find men who are responsible, honest and on whom you can rely. I wish you luck, because you're overdue for big dose of it. 
Don't overlook the benefit of having men who are only friends. I don't mean with benefits, I mean ONLY friends, who will lend a hand when you need it or just because they're good people. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/21/2008 11:56:52 PM | My greatgrandmother had a roughly similar situation. Her first hubby ("forced" wedding at 17 (him) and 18 (her), walked-out after a year, leaving her with daughter #1 (my grandmother).
Her second hubby was killed in a boiler explosion on a naval warship, leaving her with daughter #2.
She ended up falling in love again, marrying a third time, and having daughter #3. But third time lucky, that marriage lasted.
You situation is different enough from the usual situation of a mom with 2 children with different dads that I'd look on you as a regular single mom.
The thing that would hold me back would be the potential child support consideration. Here in Canada, there are judicial precedents that, if the original father of the child fails or can't pay child support, a subsequent ex-husband becomes libel for it. I'm a logical guy, and also I tend to think far ahead. I'd be thinking of that potential long term liability as early as deciding whether or not to go on that first date. It wouldn't be a killer, but it would be something to be overcome.
You look rather nice. Depending on what you are like in-person, you should be able to overcome those reservations. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:06:55 AM | I know someone who has three kids by three different fathers - and she still gets dates. The first guy wanted a kid, she had it and then he left; the second guy also wanted his 'own' biological kid, she had it and then he beat her up and she left; the third guy wanted his 'own' biological kid, she had it and then he became a drunk and left. All these guys wanted their own biological kids but then they never wanted to take care of them. It's like those people who want puppies and then when they turn into dogs they dump them off at the pound.
It's a shame there are so many single moms out there having to deal with the aftermath. I'm glad with all the guys who have begged me to have a baby with them that I did not. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:09:35 AM | In your profile, where you say "devoted mother". Being a devoted mother is admirable, but you might want to simply say "mother". The reason being you don't want the reader to think you're always going to be consumed with taking care of your children (even though with a 1 year old you currently are).
I find the thought of widowhood tragic. When the topic of previous marriages comes up on a date, some widows and widowers seem to be still grieving years later. It is very hard to replace a spouse that was taken away by fate instead of choice. If you honestly can, it would be good to make clear that while you loved him, he passed on 11 years ago and you are over it.
There will be many men who will automatically reject a woman with 2 previous children. But there will be some men who won't. Men with children of their own from a previous marriage for example: Some other guy is raising their kids, so they don't mind raising someone else's.
Good luck and happy fishing. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:24:20 AM |
Doesn't matter, I still wouldn't date you. How you came about having 2 kids is completely irrelevant, considering the kids themselves are the dealbreaker. Oh consider your kids to be a fantastic filter -- you will never find yourself with a man like this, who if you read his other posts would think that is was perfectly okay to smack your kids in the face if they said something he didn't like. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:00:00 AM | I can tell you from my point of view it wouldn't matter much because I knew another woman that was in the exact same situation you were in. She had a 10 yo and a 1yo. The first guy died in the Army and she had split up with the second child's father.
The ONLY problem I had was issue with the second child's father.
He was still in the picture and she wasn't quite over him.
But, for the fact she had two kids by two different men wasn't the issue one bit.
Not her fault the first guy died and shit happen when you split up with someone else. | |
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| I have 2kids by 2 men.but listen 2 mystory and tell me if I still look bad
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:27:25 AM | If a father has died, the circumstances are a bit different, but usually I am VERY alert when I meet a woman with two or more kids from different dads. The first time anything can happen, but the second time (and if she is single, meaning it did not work out - again) she should probably have been more careful who to have a child with.
I'd say most women in that situation are not widows. This means they had two relationships they thought were serious enough to have a new life with that both failed. Granted, she could have been dealt a bad hand twice, but do I want to deal with that? Plus, some women lie about how the situation came about. Anything to make them more marketable, I guess.
Generally, I don't date women with multiple baby daddies, and I found that many women are very evasive until the information is revealed. | |
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