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 Solitary Dreamer
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 1
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Monogomy is it important anymore?Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I did do a search for this but the three threads it brought up were old and the last post from 2007. So I decided to start a fresh topic. If it gets deleted so be it and I'm sorry for wasting time.

Anyway to the point. I believe in monogomy very strictly. I also believe that sex should be with a person that matters and never just casual but that's not as important to the topic. Monogomy is something that I preach and that I want from a partner in return, but lately I've been seeing a problem...and I'm starting to feel very alone.

I see more and more people nowadays seeking "open relationships". In fact, my last partner of 5 years left me for a relationship where he's now the second boyfriend to one girl. To be honest I do not get it. Even a lot of the people on this site that I have ended up talking to (not all) seem to think that staying faithful to a partner is simply just an option to take or leave at any time.

So I ask where and when did this become so commonplace. Is it the way our society pushes sexual messages and innuendos in almost every media? You can go almost nowhere nowadays without seeing billboards of barely clad men and women..... Or was it always there and just become more public now that our society is so openly obsessed with sex?

Either way it feels like the world has turned into a meat market where everyone just wants as many people as they can get with no sence of commitment or trust... I know that must not be the case for everyone of course but I would like to hear the varied views on the subject nevertheless. I do not mean to start any fights on these forums though, and I ask all posters under me to please keep thoughts civil no matter what the viewpoint on the subject.

(Oh and as a side thought I know that humans are supposedly genetically hardwired for multiple partners but we outgrew that need as a species a long time ago and to be honest I've always really hated that excuse)
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 2
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:11:13 PM
Nayukhuut, I share the same view....one-on-one :)

I think some people fall for that BS that "humans are supposedly genetically hardwired for multiple partners..".....have you noticed in nature, that SOME species of animals are monogonous while others are not? It's natural....but NOT ALL of nature gets into the multiple partners thing.

Plus, humans have the option of what I'll just term as a higher level of choice.
 Ninki
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 3
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:13:09 PM
Nayu, we may have outgrown the need to be promiscuous, but that doesn't change the fact that many men and a good percentage of women crave different sex partners. I myself would be perfectly happy in a monogamous relationship with a guy I loved. I'd have no interest in being with anyone else. But that's me; others may disagree, especially men. It's true that things in the relationship world have gotten kind of crazy for your generation and I don't envy you or my kids, who are abit older and a bit younger than you. But if it's monogamy you seek, you should let a potential boyfriend know up-front. Even in today's hyper-sexed-up culture there are still happy, content, monogamous couples who stay together through thick and thin. You're an attractive and very interesting person and I'm sure you'll find a guy who'll want to be with you and you only for the rest of his life.

N.
 Solitary Dreamer
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 4
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:21:30 PM
WhoisSue, I agree about the higher level of choice. That's why I've always hated that explanation. We're not just animals of instinct but thought as well.

Ninki, I know there are many people that like multiple parters and so long as they stay away from me I'm perfectly happy with their choice of lifestyle. My problem is that it's getting harder for me to find the other kind...the kind that wants to enter a relationship for a serious life partner and really work at it and remain faithful. I also know that I will find the right person eventually. I'm still young and with the internet and all I have the entire world to search through. :) Thank you for your kind words all the same.
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:32:21 PM
i myself am truly interested in a monogamous relationship. having been married twice--one divorce, one death--i never cheated and have no intention of doing so in the future. if you are supposedly with the person that you desire, why look elsewhere? as paul newman once said "why go out for hamburger when i have steak at home" or something similar. i want to have that one person in my life that is totally important to me and me to her--i am sorry but i do not wish to share either her or myself. now i have to find that special person for me.
 rakasta
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 6
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:33:08 PM
Monogomy is important to me and it is the only choice that if fair to all concerned
i may be a guy but i do have moral standards
 tarwater
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 7
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:36:08 PM
I have a lot of single friends who are perfectly happy just dating or being with different people at the same time. They're generally also people who have a large circle of acquaintances. I guess that I've just never worked that way. I have a small circle of very close friends and am generally slow to let people in. When it comes to romantic relationships, if I get involved with someone, it's usually because it's someone I really want to be a part of my life. I like the idea of having someone at my side for the long haul. Maybe that's old-fashioned these days. I dunno. My last relationship lasted almost two years and the one prior to it lasted over thirteen. I haven't really done the casual dating thing since before then, and it's not what I'd want now. Nor would juggling two or more relationships at a time. When I find the right guy again, I want it to be more than that, I guess.
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 8
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:43:02 PM

I think some people fall for that BS that "humans are supposedly genetically hardwired for multiple partners..".....have you noticed in nature, that SOME species of animals are monogonous while others are not? It's natural....but NOT ALL of nature gets into the multiple partners thing.


I don't know where you're getting your facts from... but very very few species mate for life and are truely monogmous.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 9
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:55:57 PM
It's important to me. I think relationships are difficult enough without adding more people and I've never known a committed relationship that was strengthened by one of the partners going outside of it. Many have survived it but I don't know of any that were improved by it. My ultimate relationship goal is a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship. However, I haven't found the person for that yet and until I do, I consider myself a free agent.

There may be multiple reasons why people some people have begun to desire "open" relationships. The easy availability of birth control and divorce, two things that weren't really available until recent times. I think there's a general lessening of personal responsibility in our culture. For whatever reason, it's there. I don't know if humans are "naturally" monogamous or not. How would you tell? The majority of societies that I've been aware of have been more or less monogamous, sometimes with specific exemptions. Even a lot of primitive societies. People have also always gone outside of that. It seems that monogamy and infidelity are both as old as at least recorded history.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 10
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:57:34 PM
sherilyn70 she said some species of animals are monogonous, not that there were a lot of them. Not to mention that as humans we are meant to have a bit of a higher thought processes. Yes the majority of other animals have sex with any member of the opposite sex that happens along at the right time, but what does that have to do with humans? Should we also do all of the other things other animals do or is this just a way to justify bad behaviour?
 Honesty Here.......
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 11
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:01:20 PM
Thank God there are still some people out there that are not into "open" relationships.
When I met ex he & his wife were both swingers.

He asked what I thought about that life style, He was hoping he would be able to return to that life style and there was NO WAY IN HELL. I would. The fact that he had lived that life before me was bad enough & certainly hard to get over. It was disgusting to me. 3 yrs we were together monagamously. He then left me for a bi sexual pegan worshiper. I don't know if he want that life syle that bad or what, but I did not care I was never going to go into that life style.

It is sick that they have TV shows & are so open with it. I seems like people have exsepted it now I really hope it is a fact moving fade that goes away quickly.
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 12
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:08:01 PM
Nay...

Sherilyn, here are just a few animals who mate for life:
grey wolf, shingleback skink, whooping crane, female gorilla, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beaver, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, french angel golden fish, pigeons, red-tailed hawks, pretty sure bison.....

just to name a few...I can do further research if you would like..... :)
 Canadian Rob
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 13
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:28:57 PM
In a loving and trusting relationship, I have found that Monogomy was not even an issue because it was not even on my mind as an option at all. If you love the person, I mean really cherish them deep down and feel it from them in return, monogomy should not even be an issue. Anyways, I am obviously an old school romoantic at heart.

I just think that someone who cheats on their mate has a real character flaw. And if the relationship has such issues that would lead someone to cheat, the question is not weather to cheat or not, but weather they should really be in that relationship in the first place.

Robert
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 14
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:32:22 PM
Monogamy is nice; but, I prefer oak.
 wondering1980
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 15
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:38:03 PM
yes it is very important to me....i do wonder what happened to one on one relationships where both people actually stay committed to there SO and leave before cheating
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 16
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:46:28 PM

I just think that someone who cheats on their mate has a real character flaw.

If both people are sleeping with other people, and they both know about it, then it isn't cheating. That's one reason why the "are we exclusive" talk is so important sometime soon after you start dating. If you haven't agreed to being exclusive to each other, then its fair play if one or both people are sleeping with other people besides each other.

I don't personally believe in open relationships, but if both people in the relationship are ok with it, then more power to them. Does make you wonder why married people swinging is ok, but polygamy is not.
 hartshaped
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 17
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:58:07 PM
Poster 13 said it well "in a loving and trusting relationship.... monogomy was not an issue..."

but, the issue of monogomy becomes an issue when one finds out the loving and trusting relationship is an illusion.. Still, even when the relationship doesn't work one has to buck up and put faith that not everyone of the opposite gender is "cheater"

Everyone I know wants a monogamous relationship.. Communication seems to be the key to all of it..
 kthyg
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 18
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:37:30 PM
I don't have any desire for a monogomous relationship. It doesn't suit me. Anyone I get involved with knows that up front so they can decide if they want to get involved with me or not. Some can't and that's fine.

I think you see more people these days that are openly nonmonogomous which, in my opinion, is a far better option than cheating and deceiving. I think ethically, you can agree to be monogomous and keep your word to your partner, or you can be openly non-monogomous. Anything else is not fair to the people in your life.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 19
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:44:02 PM
I shall warn you in advance, I like to play the Devil's advocate, so...



I believe in monogomy very strictly.


Why? If I believed in unicorns very strictly, do you think that makes it a good thing to believe? What reasons do you have for your position?



Monogomy is something that I preach and that I want from a partner in return, but lately I've been seeing a problem...and I'm starting to feel very alone.


If you're preaching monogamy then you must justify your position! You must have made a pros/cons list in order to be sure you're preaching the right thing. And why are you preaching?



Even a lot of the people on this site that I have ended up talking to (not all) seem to think that staying faithful to a partner is simply just an option to take or leave at any time.


I find that hard to believe... every time I imply that polygamy is okay, someone, usually a guy, calls me wonderful names.



Is it the way our society pushes sexual messages and innuendos in almost every media?


LOL... lets blame the media. It can't be that people are horny.



Either way it feels like the world has turned into a meat market where everyone just wants as many people as they can get with no sence of commitment or trust...


Why do you need a commitment or trust for sex, that is, just sex? Why should anyone make a commitment to someone based on sex? Why should sex be part of the commitment package? Why don't we include, "Must eat healthy" or "Must exercise" or "Must not talk all the time" as part of the commitment package? What does sex and relationships have to do with each other?

I think people often associate relationships and sex in such a way that it causes a lot of confusion, and numerous problems. Wanting sex, and wanting a relationship are two different things. Yes, they often overlap, but they should be thought about, first separately, and only then as one.

Also, I think it's important to know "the natural course of events". In other words, if you had a machine that allowed you to do everything you wanted without any consequences, what would you do? Everything about relationships and generally human affairs should be examined from that starting point. Otherwise little or nothing makes sense.

And to give you an example:

Suppose Jessica Alba showed up at a guy's door and she said, "I'm horny, and I want you, but this will be a one night stand, no strings attached". What do you think most single guys would do? Sex feels good, and there is nothing to loose... you would have to be retarded not to do her.
 jamie***
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 20
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:59:46 PM
Op you last comment hit the nail on the end so to speak if you now what i mean and I am sure that you do......genetic programming isnt something that can be simply over come in a few generations it takes epochs ;)

Though as partly evolved chimps (or advanced modified alien chimp hybrids..depending on your perspective:)

I agree with op that we should generally be aware of the individual we chose to be with and seek not to harm them in any unnecessary way or with intent to cause hurt to their feelings.
Equality is something we should aspire to and work hard for
x
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:15:20 PM

Equality is something we should aspire to and work hard for


Yes, but most people's notion of equality is frankly f*cked up... and I think I'm being generous in my remark. Don't believe me? Let me ask you this: Do you treat your lady the way you treat your buddies? Do you thread any woman the way you treat your buddies?
Consistency is often necessary for equality.

True equality would make most people commit suicide.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 22
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Monogamy, is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:23:04 PM
When was this society not full of sexual innuendos? When were humans not sexually driven?

Lot's of people are monogamous, maybe you should figure out why you are attracted to and/or attracting those who aren't.

It really doesn't matter how many people agree with you or don't, what matters is you finding someone who shares your values and morals and not getting involved with people who don't.
 Solitary Dreamer
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 23
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:23:18 PM
Okay X_file, I'm willing to defend my opinions but I do not know how to quote like you did so bear with me.

I believe in Monogomy because I only want that one person. I hate the thought that anyone would be able to touch and be with that person but me because I reguard sexual acts as something very very intimate and not casual. I want the same from the person I hook up with so that's why I like it

Preaching was perhaps the wrong word and certainly sounds bad taken one sentance at a time. I support monogomy would have been better I think basically for the reasons I said above. I do not force it on others though so preach was a bad word, I apologize.

As for the scummy people I am usually up around three in the morning. I get a fair number of IMs from people on this site that just want casual sex or people who are with girlfriends that are looking for some on the side. I honestly think it's my picture since the late night crowd seems to assume us gothy people have no morals. I never ment to imply that all members on this site are bad. I have met many a wonderful person on here. I just seem to run into bad luck with random IM crowd.

Yes, people can be horny but the media is the thing that stuffs all these images everywhere so we can't even get away from them. Besides I was asking opinions of others on wether or not they thought that was the reason. Either way it's everywhere...you watch a movie and you can bet they've stuffed in a sex scene somewhere in half of them.

There is no "just sex" for me. Not at all. I will only do so if it's a parter I'm commited to. Now I know a lot of people find that odd but I hate casual sex, I really do. I know that others don't adhere to this and that's fine but those are my beliefs..as odd as you think they are. I need a connection to someone to be intimate.. For me, there is no sex without an established relationship so the two go directly hand in hand.

Oh and to comment on your example...you said most guys would. Well...I'm looking for the small percentage of guys that wouldn't just sleep with someone on the fly like that. I might eventually find it...
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 24
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 11:17:07 PM
I have been monogamous in every relationship I've ever been in. It is not a part of my nature and/or moral fiber to cheat on my partner, even if the relationship is going badly. Two of my ex-husbands cheated on me, but that still would not validate my doing the same. To me, there is NO rationalizing infidelity. You DO NOT cheat on your partner. If you want other lovers, leave the relationship first.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 25
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/21/2008 11:27:57 PM
Well all I can say is that I fall into that rare breed that hold monogmy in the higest regard and follow it to the letter. That and I am just selfish that way as I am a one woman man and want a one man woman, just her and I...period!
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