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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:02:55 PM | Well, I attempted to find out if this is a question that has been posed … especially to the 45+ crowd & while I found some similar topics, nothing seemed to match. So here goes …
I realize that people join POF for a number of reasons. Some people enjoy the forums & the opportunity to write on a variety of different subjects. Others enjoy going to the POF events which offer the opportunity to meet new people in a variety of different venues. But since POF bills itself as an online dating website I have to believe that most people join POF with the intent of meeting new people, dating and potentially finding someone they can begin a serious relationship with.
Before joining POF almost 2 yrs ago I had very little experience dating. This is primarily because I fell in love at a very early age, got married & remained faithfully married for 30 yrs until my divorce almost 4 yrs ago. So POF enabled me to meet a lot of new people without the need to have the polished social skills often necessary to be successful in today’s dating circles. For that I am very thankful. However, I hesitate to say that my dating experience has not been all that successful. While I’ve had many 1st dates, more times than not have not resulted in 2nd or 3rd dates.
No one enjoys rejection. So my question is very simply this … if you have dated for a year or two or even more & finding that special someone has eluded you … what is it that keeps you trying? It’s a question I ask myself almost every time I am attracted to someone I meet online, meet them and (for whatever reason) it doesn’t work out. Every time it happens I pause to re-examine my motivation. And since I am asking the question … I’ll go ahead & attempt to provide my own answer before reading yours.
I was married for a very long time … 30 yrs to be exact. The first 20 of those yrs were positively wonderful … more than anyone could hope for. Although I suffered through some very difficult times over the last 10 yrs of my marriage, nothing could overshadow those first 20 yrs. Those memories are still very vibrant & motivating for me. So much so that when I initially began dating after my divorce I would say I was almost desperate to find someone special & start all over again with. Unfortunately I very quickly found out that it’s not all that easy … especially at my age to find someone to begin a new relationship with. So I continue my search.
So I’m very interested to hear what your motivation is. Is it a past relationship? Is it an attempt to find something that has eluded you in the past? Or are you (like I was after my divorce) simply tired of being alone & in dire need of companionship?
Thanks (in advance) for your thoughts!
Gary | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:23:15 PM | Hi Gary,
Or are you (like I was after my divorce) simply tired of being alone & in dire need of companionship?
I think being alone and lonely is a BIG part of it.
I think we have also learned over the years what it is we really need and want (and maybe what we don't like) and are a bit more patient in our pursuit of what we're really looking for. ( OK, maybe 'patient' isn't the right word to use as we growing older every day. )
For me, I know exactly what I want and I guess if it takes a couple of years to become reality, I'm ok with that. No one wants to feel like they've 'wasted' their time, but I believe the end result will be well worth the wait and persistence and "trying". | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:12:07 PM | OMG OP.... I won't be the first to say that if you or anyone else is looking to find a relationship because of a PAST relationship, then you may wanna stop and work out the issues from the past before trying to move forward.
We'll never find what we had..... That is our past. We have to move onward and allow change and newness to occur. Sitting in what was is like trying to stop time. Futile.
I'm here for the Forums only because I ENJOY my life as it is now.... I have no one to answer to and all day to come up with an answer. lol
If I were dating, and looking for "motivation", it would come from the want to share. And I won't push that to happen. I see too many friends of mine that did push and they're unhappy and feeling stuck. And I have a few that allowed time to happen, on LIFE'S TERMS, and yes, they spent many years alone, but now they're in healthy, thriving relationships.
Impatience happens when we don't let go of what we want and fail to realize it might not be what we need..... | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:49:42 PM |
if you have dated for a year or two or even more & finding that special someone has eluded you … what is it that keeps you trying?
OP, currently, I am just here for the fora, but answering the question in terms of when I would join dating sites in the past, the answer is simple.
The desire to "find someone" can be driven by several different needs. For me, it emanates from the "mating instinct" or sex drive. I don't want just random sex, but sex is a primary need. When I am not in a relationship, the need gets stronger, until ultimately, it motivates me sufficiently to get back "out there" seeking a relationship.
"Positive reinforcement" from past experience, makes me view online as one of the best ways to find someone, in response to a basic human need. In my 8 years post divorce, when I have been "in between" relationships, it's never taken longer than 3 months to find a mutually satisfactory relationship that includes sexual intimacy, and the hope that emotional intimacy will grow. Generally, it takes meeting 3 women, to get there, and getting to 3 dates, involves talking to 30 or so women at some length over a period of a few days to a week.
Simply, I've found that online delivers a fairly large "available universe" that can be explored quickly and efficiently, in order to achieve the desired result.  | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:53:19 PM | I've been asking that question of myself lately....why am I still here? I'm not unhappy with my single life-style. In fact, I'm probably more at peace living alone than I was at any time during my marriage. But, I'm a practical person as well. I see retirement ahead and I'd like to have someone to share those years with...someone who would enjoy travel, going to the bookstore, volunteering at the local shelter or humane society. I can and will do those things by myself, but it would be a lot more fun to have someone to do them with.
And on an even more practical level, it looks like I shouldn't have any financial troubles at retirement time, but combining resources with someone else would make things more worry free. Even though my days are currently filled, there aren't many opportunities to meet available men, so keeping my profile here offers a bit of hope. Like others have said, so far I haven't had much luck meeting anyone with whom I've felt really great....but maybe someday. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:10:20 PM |  Hi Everyone
For me; having been the all-American-good-guy and all the other swell stuff that made me such a great hubby "is" the reason I still look for female company that I'm compatible with.
Let me put it another way; my "x" may have destroyed "what "we" had" but I'm not about to let her destroy it for anyone else that deserves to be around and involved in my life.
Since I don't dwell anymore on whatever it was that destroyed the lives we had; the meaning of "what I have now" is a daily blessing. I enjoy meeting most of the women I meet here and actually; had I not gotten divorced; I'd certainly not be meeting the women I enjoy meeting here so much.
Will I end up in a permanent relationship "ever" again? With my positive attitude I have no doubt that one day I will.
Besidez..... I luv jumping into the forums, cross-reference with what makes other people tick and maybe learn a thing or two. Since theres no guarantees for any of us out here fishing that we'll get a nibble or land a keeper; the forums are a great way to keep up on things I haven't learned while I was wasting all those years on my "x"......
bye everyone | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:14:21 PM | Hope beats eternal in the human breast.
No other reason. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:35:45 PM | Gary - I'm probably trying as hard as a snow ball's chance in hell  While I do have a profile here, and honestly would love the companionship of a wonderful man, my life isn't in shambles if I"m not in Coupledom. I do find the forums a bit amusing, entertaining, and sometimes it keeps me on my toes. There is the added bonus that some postings on the forums make for great conversation around the office water cooler. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:44:17 PM | bullielover62 in Msg #3 (posted: 7/23/2008 407 PM) said:
OMG OP.... I won't be the first to say that if you or anyone else is looking to find a relationship because of a PAST relationship, then you may wanna stop and work out the issues from the past before trying to move forward. We'll never find what we had..... That is our past. We have to move onward and allow change and newness to occur. Sitting in what was is like trying to stop time. Futile.
My Response:
Maybe you misunderstood what I said or I am misunderstanding what you are saying. What I tried to say in my initial posting is that since I had the great fortune to experience what it is like to be in a really good relationship for a period of 20 yrs in the past it helps to motivate me to find someone special to share my life with again.
If I understood you correctly you said that just because you have been lucky enough to experience a good relationship in the past, that’s no reason to believe it could happen again. I carry no bitterness from my failed marriage … only the wonderful memories of how positive of an experience it can be. I have moved beyond that chapter in my life but that doesn’t mean I am not motivated to share my life in a similar fashion should I encounter the “right” person in the future.
I’m not so sure I agree with your statement that we can’t find true love a 2nd time simply because we have a true love in our past. I’m also not sure what purpose it serves to bury good memories or to avoid using those good memories to motivate us. You’ll notice I didn’t say I expect to find those things in my future, only I am motivated to seek them.
Gary | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:13:34 PM |
Or are you (like I was after my divorce) simply tired of being alone & in dire need of companionship?
I would definitely not say I am in DIRE need of companionship. Not sure how you meant that to come off, but it sounds too intense for my liking.
I'm still trying because I would like companionship and to be in a relationship. I do miss sharing life and all that goes with it. The dogs are appreciative, but not quite as impressed with a west Texas sunset as perhaps a woman might be. But I am way beyond being with a woman, for the sake of it. It's gotta fit right. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:39:14 PM |
if you have dated for a year or two or even more & finding that special someone has eluded you … what is it that keeps you trying?
My reasons for dating have changed over the last few years. When I first got online, it was to try to restore my self-confidence. I did find out rather quickly that other men responded to me in a positive way and I enjoyed all the attention since I was starved for it in my marriage. After being reassured that there was nothing wrong with me, I finally started looking at dating a little more seriously but I probably still didn't really want to lose my newfound freedom so I tended to form only long-distance relationships. I enjoyed them and they gave me what I needed without scaring me too much. It's not that I wouldn't have considered a serious relationship with a few of the people I met because I did have some serious crushes, but I wasn't intentionally looking for anything to last so I may have been subconsciously making sure I only dated men who I thought were no more interested in marriage than I was. The crazy thing about that plan though, is that when some men sense you don't really want to be caught, they become motivated to catch you so I had a few marriage proposals along the way. During that time, I wouldn't date a guy who seemed too serious because after the nightmare I had gone through, I didn't want to take a chance on a guy thinking he "owned" me and I also didn't want to hurt anyone so I would have run the other way from a man who seemed seriously motivated in his search for "true love". I wanted to be able to get out easily so distance was the answer. Now I want to find someone who enjoys a lot of the same things I do and who would add something to my life. I still don't want to be be with someone just to keep from being alone, but I'm finally ready for a guy who's ready to settle down with just one woman. I would have to be truly in love and feel that he was just as in love with me and able to show it. If and when that happens, I'll be off the site and I won't stick around here for the forums. I'm not that addicted to them yet. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:51:13 PM | To tell the truth, I have stopped trying. Takes way too much energy and it seems all the trying was in vain.
I enjoy the forums and if I should meet someone from online, that would be great, but I'm not holding my breath waiting..
When I first came on POF I had high hopes, but that dwindled fast. The longer I don't date, the more I become satisfied with my life the way it is. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:00:03 PM | Yeah, what Mr. Happy Pants said!
I'd leave it at that, but POF won't allow me to post just a simple sentence for some reason. Anyway, I, too, am not in DIRE need to be in a relationship, but I would like to have that special someone to spend special times with. Holidays are coming up before you know it, and it would really be nice to have someone by my side to stand under the mistletoe with.
July 4th came and left and it WOULD'VE been nice to share fireworks with ( perhaps, in more ways than one, even! )
Sometimes, I just miss a good old-fashioned debate session with someone where he gives his point of view on a subject and I counter with mine and we wind up laughing at the end!
The bottom line is I'm a hopeless romantic and THAT'S what keeps me going until I fine "the one". | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:01:12 PM | | During dating I have found men that were so compassionate and caring it's given me faith to know they truly do exist. I often wonder why I remain here, it's an avenue to filling in spare time I have. I also hope to one day find that special companion for me, and if not, then some new caring friendships would be great too ! Been on my own many years so have found a good friend in myself. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:05:54 PM | What keeps me trying? Well, it's _not_ because I'm not comfortable with my own company or in any type of dire "need" of anything . It's what I want and would like to happen but it has to be right. It has to with the right man.
I've been divorced a long time. BUT, in between THAT time and now I was in a very, very long term, great and healthy relationship. He passed away last year. I miss the closeness, companionship and sharing ones self and life with another and everything that goes with having a loving, healthy relationship and would like for that to happen once again. But not just with anyone, it has to mesh. If that never happens again then it doesn't, I'm ok with that, there are no guarantees in life. But I'm patient. This is what keeps me trying. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:18:00 PM |
What Keep You Trying?
Nothing.
Quite honestly, nothing is keeping me trying.
Not on here.
I found out very quickly that although I get lots of "oh how I admire your attitude on your profile" emails... they want to 'admire my attitude' and that's it, nothing else. They cheerfully wave as they go on by to all the other female profiles. And that's it.
So.... I hang around on the forums... an interesting way to pass time now and then... and that's it.
Out in the world, where I can connect with 'real' people... it's different.
I think I'll always have a bit of a hope and a bit of a 'try' going. Why? Because sharing love with a male companion would be a joy. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:23:51 PM | "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." -- John Lennon.
or something like that. You get the idea.
I'm here for the forums, but fate may have different plans for me. My motivation used to be my own greed (I want, I want, I want...) I force my life in certain directions, down paths I shouldn't have. But my decisions were no different than anyone else's. My "motivation" today is in the hands of the next day. Not mine. I'm just along for the ride and going to enjoy the scenery as it's presented to me. I don't want to get all cerebral, so I'll leave it at that.
In short, quit looking and start living. It'll happen when it happens. No sooner. As for dating? Do it if you want a little company. Nothing more. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:42:38 PM |
dogs are appreciative, but not quite as impressed with a west Texas sunset as perhaps a woman might be
^^^Too cute!
What keeps me here? I love the forums, and others thoughts. Especially when I should be working! And no, am not in DIRE need of having a SO in my life. My life is quite full. Sure, I think it would be awesome to have someone to share all with, the simple feel, smell and taste of a man, but? I think that you cannot make it happen cuz you only end up being frustrated. If it is meant to be, it will happen in its own good time, not yours. I have one g/f who is continously on the hunt for a man and continously lives with being hurt when things don't go the way she wants them to. I can't imagine living that way! Live your life OP day to day, enjoy all that each day brings.  | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:50:25 PM | I don't think I do "try" anymore. Like Gary, because I've experienced several years of a good relationship that was happy and fun and yet also responsible and secure and loving, I KNOW that good relationships are possible. And although I am capable of being on my own for years and building a life for myself, I also know that I'm a lot happier when I'm in a relationship with someone I love and someone who loves me.
When I first joined POF, I was just sure that most of the guys were nice and looking for real relationships, too. Now my attitude has flip flopped. Most of the guys are just looking for sex by the third date and so that realization made me stop trying. Why waste another two hours meeting a guy who just wanted to get laid? It was a waste of his time and mine! No judgement there. It's just not what I want......
But I also know from the past (I met my past partner online back in the 90's), that it only takes ONE guy to come along who is nice and decent and really wants to love again .......... even if twenty or thirty or forty come along who don't.........so I keep my mind open on it and I try to stay positive .......... When that guy does come along, he will be looking for the same things that I am looking for and he won't just drop off after two emails or one meeting or start by saying he wants just to be friends but then every other word is a sexual innuendo suggesting more.........
I'm just a pretty basic nice woman who is loving, affectionate, honest, trustworthy, has a good sense of humor ................ and as I said, it only takes that one guy to come along looking for someone like me and it can be great and lots of fun and worth the wait.......... | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:46:38 PM |
Most of the guys are just looking for sex by the third date and so that realization made me stop trying. Why waste another two hours meeting a guy who just wanted to get laid? It was a waste of his time and mine! No judgement there. It's just not what I want......
Friendlyldy, everyone has to decide what is important to him/her in a relationship, in what priority, and which things are negotiable, and which aren't. Beyond that, we each have to decide if we are willing to have no relationship at all, if we can't find someone who meets all of the critical criteria.
The "market" will determine if your expectations are "realistic", or not, which gets back to having to decide if you'd rather have no relationship, or make some adjustments to the market.
For example, most people, not just men, expect a dating relationship to include sexuality. That doesn't mean that it's "just about sex", but it means that, if sex isn't part of things, many people would prefer not to date. I'm one of them.
Fortunately, I've found that my "absolutes" are such, that I can readily find someone, when I'm looking, who lines up with what I'm looking for. Apparently, to date, your experience has been different.
It's a big pool of people, so maybe you will find someone with all the qualities you want, who is also willing to "date" without it being sexually intimate. Maybe you won't, and will choose not to adjust your selection criteria, in which case you will choose not to date at all. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:52:28 PM | | Insanity!! Pureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Insanity! There is that long enough? | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:58:42 PM |
It's a big pool of people, so maybe you will find someone with all the qualities you want, who is also willing to "date" without it being sexually intimate
Just because I don't want sex by a third date doesn't mean that I want to date without it being sexually intimate! Trust me, my ex would give me references! I am a very passionate loving woman because I like to wait until I am totally comfortable with someone and can truly express my love for them. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 9:01:44 PM | | I knew exactly what you meant Friendly my girlie! Sex is in fact a very integral part of a relationship, but not something one does until they feel they are ready for it! | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 9:15:22 PM |
Just because I don't want sex by a third date doesn't mean that I want to date without it being sexually intimate! Trust me, my ex would give me references! I am a very passionate loving woman because I like to wait until I am totally comfortable with someone and can truly express my love for them.
That's not the point, friendlyldy. Perhaps you could get the point of "adjusting to the market, or choosing not to date" if you picked something that is less of a "hot button"?
I know that I wouldn't begin to date someone, who has your sexual attitudes. That, for me, is non-negotiable. One of my absolutes, is that dating includes sexuality, and the "3rd date" would be the outer limit. It has to be because that's what the woman needs too, so it's not like this can even be an "issue" of contention. Someone with an incompatible view of the role of sexuality is simply "not a match".
However, there are plenty of men, who would be fine with your dating process. They can be found in abundance on the "nice guy" threads, but for whatever reason, they may not match some of your other "musts".
So, while I think the percentage of men who are willing to date for an extended period, without it being sexual, is smaller, it doesn't mean that there aren't men out there, who would be your match on that criterion. It merely means that men, who aren't willing to "negotiate" on that issue, are not among your "available universe", so, if you are to date, you have to assess what other qualities you want, that you can adjust, so as to have more choices available to you. | |
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| What Keep You Trying?
Posted: 7/23/2008 9:26:11 PM | | I keep dating for the same reason I buy a lotto ticket every now and then. If you don't buy a ticket, you won't win the lotto, and if you don't get out and meet/date people, you're not likely to form a relationship. | |
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