| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:49:25 AM | Okay so I just recently got my heart broken from a 7 month relationship. I know some people are gonna say that 7 months is nothing. But to me it was alot. It was the longest relationship for both of us, and we shared so much in that 7 months. I gave something up to him, that i always told myself i'd wait until i was married, because i couldnt just throw it away to just anybody. To me this guy wasnt just anybody, like I trusted him more than i had ever trusted anybody in my life, and he meant so much to me, I cared for him so much, and I still do, seeing as how this just recently happened a few weeks ago. Some days i feel okay, and other days i dont know how i feel, i feel so alone, and lost. In my eyes this guy was the best thing that ever happened to me, he was there for me in ways that he couldnt even imagine, I was so happy, i felt like i was on cloud 9, because i found someone who accepted me for me, and liked me for who i am, and didnt judge me. And he seemed to understand me, and its hard for anyone to understand me, because i cant even understand myself at times. We learned alot from each other, and this is someone that i couldnt just walk away from and not have in my life.
Like were still friends, close friends, and I dont wanna ruin what we have going on now, I dont wanna lose the guy at all, like you know the say its better to be friends than nothing at all. And i have accepted that, I know i have to accept our friendship, as much as i want it to be more again, but I dont wanna keep telling him how i feel, when he knows, because than it will ruin what we have now and I dont want that to happen. I want him to be in my life any way possible, i dont wanna lose him, even if it means just having him as a friend. But when were around each other, it feels so comfortable, and its hard for me to feel comfotable with anyone, but he makes me feel so comfortable, and when were around each other, I know there is something still there, feelings are still there, it just feels so right, but he said he doesnt wanna take another risk of hurting me again, and i cant keep telling him hes wrong, and a risk is worth it, because than he'll end up wanting nothing to do with me, and I couldnt handel that. But i dont like giving up, and i dont like seeing others give up on something that can truely be worth it, and i just dont wanna see him walk away from it all. But i cant keep begging for him either.
So am I suppose to be happy for whatever makes him happy? and live with not knowing what could happen giving it another chance. Am I suppose to say no more, and just be happy with the friendship we have? if i dont wanna lose him? Is being friends better than nothing at all? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:56:43 AM | | I agree with JWork25 100%. You will still want to be more than friends, and when it doesn't happen, it will just hurt more. Hard as it is, you will have to try and forget him, not that you will. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:59:58 AM | if you have made that much of an emotional investment in somebody, it's going to hurt for a while.
and yes, you are "supposed to be happy". consider the alternative. do you really want to make yourself miserable for the next year and a half because this thing didn't work out the way you would have liked it to? tell me, how would you benefit from that? don't answer without thinking about this for at least 5 minutes.
being friends is better than nothing at all, as long as you aren't nailing some kind of secret wish on it, like you hope that it will turn back into whatever it once was. don't go there. it will taint everything you say and do about this relationship.
if he is still willing to be friends, then be happy with that and truly enjoy it for what it is. you can't ever force a relationship. otherwise he will intuit your internal conflict and just put a permanent end to even the friendship. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:05:01 AM | But cutting all ties with the person is like a way of avioding everything. You cant just aviod it by walking away, thats not a way to forget someone, it will just be harder and hurt more if i couldnt have anything to do with him.
Like he asked me how i would handel it, if eventually he moved on and found someone else, he asked me if it would be too hard for me to see him do that. and i said i am not thinking about that right now, but if it were to happen, i guess i would have to be happy for him if he were happy than I'd be happy too. If that were to ever happen, than if i wanna keep him in my life, and show him that i care, than I'd be happy to see him happy. But its not like either of us are ready to even move on right yet.
And isnt it true, than sometimes being friends with an ex, helps you realize things, and get over them faster by being around then, and talking to them?
I just dont wanna lose him even if its as a friend, so should i just accept thats all we are, and not keep expressing myself to him? and i know if i didnt talk to him or see him, I'd miss him. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:05:26 AM | friendship means you have to be able to stand behind him and be happy for him no matter what
friendship means that you are willing and able to meet and be nice to whom ever he chooses to date after you.
friendship means that you would be willing to put his needs ahead of yours in alot of ways.
It takes alot of a person to be able to be friends with someone after a break up. It can happen but you have to be ready for it. Sometimes that process can take years.
When it comes right down to it. You have to let him go first..before you can be just his friend. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:11:32 AM | Stop making excuses. Move on with your life. Do you realize he rejected you? You state that he accepted you for who you were and didn't judge you, but that is a complete lie. If he accepted you, you'd still be with him. He does NOT accept something about you and he is currently rejecting you because of it.
Why be friends with someone who rejects you and broke your heart?
Move on. NOW. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:12:11 AM | | Forget it. I agree with whoever wrote that when you have secret hopes of restoring the relationship, you will end up reliving the terrible hurt all over again. Trying to keep any contact is just prolonging the agony. You look very attractive and obviously are loyal and kind. Believe me, you can and will move on. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:12:26 AM | I've always put others needs ahead of my own. and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
I'm not willing to let him go as a friend, I rather have that, than nothing at all. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:15:27 AM |
always put others needs ahead of my own
well meggie, just don't make yourself a doormat ;)
i sense that you are on the verge of doing the right thing, if you haven't done so already.
best wishes | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:23:33 AM | Every poster on here is correct.
Staying friends IS a constant reminder of what once was. If you are able to TRULY put aside what you shared...and TRULY be happy for him no matter if it means YOU are not bringing him that happiness, then yes, you can be friends.
Is it better than nothing at all??
Hmmm...not sure. I have asked myself this often. Had 4 years with someone...and I MISS talking to him, miss him being in my life, even though I KNOW that we will NEVER be able to compromise on things to a point where we are BOTH getting what we want from the relationship, without compromising ourselves.
We still talk on the phone on occassion, which is ok. He recently showed up at my house after a year of not seeing one another in person...THAT sorta set me back in my healing! It is nearly impossible to not reminensce about the good times...especially when it was mostly good. Staying in touch means you are always open to seeing changes made...this really fvcks up my son's ex...because the changes he has made NOW, are ones she had hoped he would have made when they were together (mostly to do with maturity; growing up!)...and it leaves you wondering if maybe, just maybe it was about timing, and things could work now?
My son's ex is who I call my "adopted daughter"...we are still very close! I asked her this recently..."Do you think still being exposed to Michael, helps or hurts?" She said HURTS, without a moments hesitation. And she TRULY wants happiness for HIM...but like she does, you end up losing parts of yourself and suffering for their happiness...it costs YOU. And in that case, you might as well still be together!
So...in the long run...I think it is best to cut ties all together...unless it was a minor relationship where you just recognized that you would be better friends than lovers. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:27:50 AM | lilmeggie
Is there no way at all you two can work it out??? If not then you will just continue to hurt yourself by being friends with this guy, 7 months is a long-ish time to start liking someone a great deal perhaps even love but because this hasnt worked out I think you should be able to move on when you have no commitments with this guy, such as marriage,children etc. I tried in vain to be friends with my ex, we were together for 6 years had a daughter together so if it was important for anyone to remain friends it was he and I but it just didnt happen that way, too much had gone on in our lives and in the end the thought of just been friends with him was not enougth and I think deep dwn you will know this regarding your ex! You will just punish yourself more and more with what could of been, and when he meets someone and he will meet someone
its going to be really hard for you, can you really handle that I dont think you can or if you can its going to be very difficult so I would cut all ties with him will be easier that way.Good luck xxx | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:33:04 AM | I think the best cure for the end of intense relationships is time apart. Like totally. Don't see him or talk to him for as long as it takes for you to truly be over him.
Friends right away - don't think it's good or healthy for ya, especially reading your posts.
I imagine it's tough when you lose your virginity to someone you deeply cared about, but trust me, there will be more lovers in your life. You are a very pretty girl and won't have to wait very long I expect.
And actually, you'll be in a better place to be friends with your ex once you have met someone new. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:34:00 AM | | It is extremely difficult to stay friends with a former lover unless you are truely ready to move on and be over any romantic feelings for them. This may sound harsh but, just because you felt a connection, feelings and closeness to this person, does not mean they are mean to be your soulmate. You are attached to your feelings for him right now because he was your first. Your trying to hang on to some sort of thread of him. Cut it off. Date other people for a while. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:36:59 AM | | Why torture yourself, move on. At least have some time apart until your feeling die off, then decide whether you truly want to be friends with this guy. You need time to heal and being close to him at this time won't allow you to do that. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:44:10 AM |
I've always put others needs ahead of my own. and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
(1) Is altruism a lie?
(2) Why should I put another person's interest ahead of my own?
(3) Should I settle for the next best thing?
(4) Why should I settle for something less?
(5) Is there more pleasure in giving than in receiving? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:48:41 AM | | I tried to stay friends with the love of my life after he had really hurt me and I had left him. You know, you miss so much those good feelings that you have when you are with them and it is such a loss and you actually grieve it when you don`t have them in your life any more. For myself , deep in the back of my mind, while I was trying to be friends, I still had that hope that we could work out our differences and reconcile, which wasn`t possible. I spent 3 years trying to make a "frinedship" work. Plain and simply put, sometimes you just have to cut off ,for you to move on, if the emotions ran really deep. It is a grief filled time. But it is the only way I feel you can move on. It sounds as if you are still in love with him. Seeing him only deepens the wound and stops the healing. Maybe some day you can go back in and know him on a different level. But for now,maybe some space would be best. Good luck. I know it is hard. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:58:18 AM |
And he seemed to understand me, and its hard for anyone to understand me, because i cant even understand myself at times.
You're probably are too young to get involved with anyone because you don't even understand yourself.
You are dependent on him to give your life meaning. That is how I see it.
What is the meaning of your life without him in it? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:09:39 AM | Sometimes trying to be friends with someone after you break up is a selfish act... you're trying to hold on to a piece of what was. You'e also, I suspect, trying to lessen the hurt you feel by maintaining a friendship.
Friendship is not possible until you BOTH give up the dream of being together. Only then can you be free to be friends.
OP, you've had a big hurt... the death of the dream of a relationship with him, and the death of him in your life that way. This is significant. There is a grieving process - google the stages of grief. Honour the relationship you had and the love you shared by grieving its passing.
Trying to "get over it quickly" so you can hold onto a tiny piece of what you once had is not appropriate given the very deep feelings you had. Honour it. Honour the love you shared and the grief you feel. Take the full hit of your sadness now.
It is a cliche... and true. With time your feelings will settle... it WILL get better. It only feels like you're dying. If you do the work of grief, you will emerge stronger and able to be a friend. If you do not do the work of grief, you will cobble along with a false friendship that will eventually end.
It sounds like you shared something wonderful. Honour that by grieving its passing.
I wish you well in this painful time. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:13:44 AM | Only you know what is best for you-and though I don't generally follow the pack-I think lingering around as 'just friends' will only bring you more heart ache and pain. That being said, if you do put some distance between the two of you either he'll just move on OR he may want you back. I'm still good friends with a lot of my ex-s but some I am not and with good reason. You make it sound like he was the ONE-but unfortunately you might not be the ONE for him.
I learned the hard way that worrying about a failed relationship only hindered me from moving forward and finding a person who was better suited for me. Take some time to heal your heart and work on YOU. If he's truly a friend he'll always be there for ya-if not he never was meant to be there in the first place.
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:17:32 AM |
But cutting all ties with the person is like a way of avioding everything. You cant just aviod it by walking away, thats not a way to forget someone, it will just be harder and hurt more if i couldnt have anything to do with him.
This is incorrect. The ex-wife and I cut ties after our marriage ended and it was a great decision. It allowed me to go through all stages of the greiving process, allowed me to rediscover myself and mend internally at my own speed. I know if I were to still have contact or try to be friends, I would have been in much worse shape. You need alone time without it, to recover, not avoid. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:21:19 AM |
1) Is altruism a lie?
(2) Why should I put another person's interest ahead of my own?
(3) Should I settle for the next best thing?
(4) Why should I settle for something less?
(5) Is there more pleasure in giving than in receiving?
1 - Yes. We are human and all have some selfish needs. It is healthy.
2 - Yes. Rotating priority. Yours, Theirs, Yours, Theirs. Be equal.
3 - Yes. We are human and are incapable of living up to any ideal perfection.
4 - Yes. See answer 3.
5 - Yes. Being human someone slipped in a strange contradiction in our higher brain functions that allows us to feel good, stronger and with a sense of purpose when we give to others.
***None of this is justification that being friends is better then nothing at all. Being just friends with someone that you really are in love with sucks. Waiting for the feelings to go away also sucks. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:24:46 AM | I'm not willing to let him go as a friend, I rather have that, than nothing at all.
That's your choice, but you're going to end up in a whole lot more pain than you are right now. There's a price to be paid for doing anything to keep him in your life.
and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
That's not true. That's no more true than saying "well, he's happy cheating on me, so that makes me happy, too". Does that make any sense at all?
The people who are giving you advice (like myself) are the same people who have lived through it. No contact is the only way to heal from this. Staying friends is a "safe" way of keeping someone in your life without having to commit to them. But for the person who wants to be more than friends, it's just torture. | |
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