| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:40:43 AM | Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating? I am a fairly old fashioned girl in regards to what I was taught to believe is appropriate behavior in regards to dating. That generally translates to not 'putting out' for sex, especially during the early stages of a relationship. I can understand later down the road having sex, but does it have to happen right away? Is this behavior so antiquated these days, that there is no one out there who can appreciate and accept a person with these values, and still be interested in dating in order to develop a long term relationship? Is it necessary for me to change my way of thinking, in order for me to maintain or even start a serious relationship with someone? Or are there other women and men out there, who can still see the value of keeping your shorts on till later in the relationship? With all the worries about Aids and other STD's, I would have thought that the idea of being more reserved or careful in regards to having sex when dating would have become popular. Perhaps I am just a silly old fashioned girl, and should change my way's in order to get with the times....
I would love to hear others opinions and experiences in regards to this subject of discussion... | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:14:22 AM | | Hi Girlepie...It is not silly to have old-fashioned standards regarding sex when dating. I heard a speaker talk about this subject once (Lois Rabey). She said when we were teenagers and dating, the kiss at the front door was the main event, but now it's just the prelude. I agree. I've been married and have experienced the joys of sex and intimacy, so the kiss feels like the prelude for more. It's really tough, especially when you fall for someone. But the time and circumstances have to be right! I worry about STD's too, especially since my cousin got HIV. She wasn't the run-around type, but had sex with an infected person. It just takes one infected person to become infected! I see nothing wrong with both parties being tested for STD's before beginning a sexual relationship. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:14:28 AM | To get an answer for your question, OP, all you have to do is look at all the threads in the "Broken Hearts" section about her/him sleeping with her/him too early in a relationship, then getting dumped. People, men and women, usually don't respect someone who is too easy. They also don't respect someone who has no self respect.
I think that if "old fashioned" ways works for you, then you should stick it out. There are plenty of us that TOTALLY agree with you. Just be patient, don't get in a hurry, don't "settle". Get what you want. It's out there.
L8TR | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:30:41 AM | There are tons of biological reasons why sex creates bonding. Given that sex makes babies and all, Nature seems to say that it is a sacred act that shouldn't be done with just anyone. On the internet and TV it can seem as if the whole world has decided that sex is just for recreation, but take heart -- people who want long term relationships still take sex seriously and respect those who will take the time to get to know them.
On OK Cupid, users design the questions. One of them is "Is someone who wants to wait for sex a turn on or turn off?" Something like 60% said turn on!
You go girl. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:52:43 AM | I would say nature endorses being promiscuous if anything. the bonding is there so men stick around AFTER the sex, not so it takes a long time to get there.
To comment on the OP, do whatever you want but understand a lot of men will not stick around a long time to have sex. Men with choice especially will not want to play that game and just find somebody else.
A guy who waits a long time for sex may not be old fashioned, he may just be desperate.
Arranged marriages are old-fashioned. Women would be sent off to be married, meet her husband on her wedding day, and sleep with him the night after. how come nobody wants to go back to that? | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:58:59 AM | Presumably our "superior" (ha look at our planet and explain THAT to me) intellect and reasoning as well as religious / moral beliefs separate us from the bugs and the rodents when it comes to mating / breeding styles. I have never been into "sport-fu¢king" which is, I believe, similar to bugs in a pheromone trap. It denigrates the species when we act like bugs IMHO not to mention unwanted bambinos and deadly STD's. One should know (even be able to remember her 1st name in the morning) your partner, trust your partner and at least be comfortable enough with them that sex isn't the only thing you're together for.
That's just my opinion (which is what you're seeking here) and there are many. Lotsa guys would laugh at that. I just think making love is waay more respectable than an attitude of "if they're old enuf to bleed they're old enough to butcher." or some other similarly Neandrathalic expression of testosterone overdose.
That said I also believe that two people CAN on occasion meet and just KNOW they're right for each other. The women in my life whom I've fallen in love with, I've KNOWN that feeling within 20 minutes of meeting them. When you DO have that feeling for somebody it can seem like forever to wait for the physical side to start being explored, enjoyed and shared.
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:01:59 AM | I'm with the 'do what you are comfortable with' crowd. If there is a connection, and he's on the same page and looking for a LTR, he'll be patient. He may be persistent, but patient. My SO and I waited (not a LONG time, but long enough) we actually slept together without having sex before we actually 'did the deed' - quite an accomplishment to hear him tell it. But I knew that he was being patient with me - persistent - but patient. And that's only one of them many reasons I knew he was for me. If he had been a jerk about it, he wouldn't have been the one for me. What it boils down to is, if it's important to you, the right man will respect your wishes (perhaps begrudgingly). You are worth the wait.  | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:54:35 AM | | would you please define old fashion views ...for me ...Im 52 years old ..and am the baby of the family i have three older brothers and the oldest is in his seventies .....the point to this is when my mother and father was alive ...she once when i was in my teens confided in me that her and my father had sex on their first date ....she also told me that though admitting it was new the sex on the first date thing was nothing new ....have your own views but they are not new or old fashion ...just yours ....and as we see from them sex on the first date dont always ruin the relationship ...they were married till death did them part | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:15:30 PM | I've dated someone for a year (as a virgin) and someone else for 6 months without having sex with them. The relationship ended for other reasons in both cases.
I respect women to the point where I'll need some sort of indicator that she's interested before I'll pursue such things. It can be frustrating yes and not preferable, but if I really like someone, I'd wait...
All of my experiences with relationships that became sexual are fairly odd in that the day I first kissed her, we had sex in 24 hours, whereas the ones that I've kissed but didn't have sex with right away - I've never had sex with them at all. But I think the natural progression of increasing intimacy would bring one to sex after a few months. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:28:52 PM | Harley nailed it...what we think, what your date thinks, or what your neighbors think, is irrelevant. The only person who's opinion matters here is you. Period. If you are not comfortable with something, then for goodness sake don't do it. If he gets pi$$y and leaves; it's somebody you’re glad left anyway.
but understand a lot of men will not stick around a long time to have sex. Men with choice especially will not want to play that game and just find somebody else. Screw 'em; or, in this case, don't screw 'em.
A guy who waits a long time for sex may not be old fashioned, he may just be desperate. Here's a totally off the wall concept for you...he just might respect the woman he is with enough to value her beliefs, desires, and opinions. I know it sounds kind of wild, but that is a possibility.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not playing holier than thou; I've had sex on a first date; and I've dated for several weeks before sex. If I don't "stick around a long time" it's because our personalities don't match; not because we aren't having sex. | |
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617Joy
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Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:40:45 PM | I'm old fashioned. I don't believe in having multiple partners. Each one you have sex with has a heart string attatched. I've been married twice. I don't need a lot of strings attatched to my heart. I am looking for a long term relationship. I was a virgin when I got married and me and my second husband did not sleep together before marriage. I am glad we waited. It's not easy, the desire is there; self control has to be used to restrain from losing control and giving in before marriage.
At least I can honestly look at my "next" relationship/husband and say, "I have NOT slept around."
sign me,
Just a Good Ole Girl
Jan | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:43:18 PM | | I think more of us as we come towards wanting to settle down again are being at least slightly more reserved than the past would dictate. As others have said, no one wants to stay with someone who doesn't create a little mystery and longing and is eager to put it all on the table the first go around. I think the build up of anticipation only heightens the relationship for when you are both ready. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:44:53 PM | I think sex is a very important part of a relationship and if you wait a long time and find out you are not sexually compatible then you have wasted a lot of time and I am sure someone gets hurt. Its not like people our age are virgins and believe me when I say most of us do not disrespect women that give us sex early on. I personally want a woman that really loves sex and wants it as much as I do. If someone makes me wait very long I would be thinking she might very well be asexual or somewhat inhibited. Just my opinion. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:09:05 PM | Girliepie, I have always found, as a man, that having sex very quickly with someone I just met is the kiss of death for a relationship. And if anyone disputes that, I would ask: why arent you with them now?
Guys are driven by testosterone, slam, bam, thank you, maam. When a woman says they want to wait, date, develop their knowledge and experience and some emotional intimacy before having sex, it's always a reality test: is that all you want from them or do you really want to know them? So you either bail or stick around for something more serious.
And if you do stick around, you always have a certain respect to start out with that you dont have otherwise. I am sure the same is true for women coming on strongly to men that way, too. I've met women who came on to me strongly about sex and when I was younger it was "bring it on!" but as I got older my response to that has a little more complexion and thought to it and I am as likely to accept as to decline. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:30:42 PM | ~OP~ I'm with you. Oddly, that is difficult for people to understand since I tend to lean to the far left on sexual issues. The reason I have a tendency to "defend" some of those who live alternative lifestyles, are OK with open-marriages/relationships, etc., is that I only live my life and I'm perfectly comfortable with the reality: not many people are happy with celibacy. I am however (when not in a long-term-monogamous relationship.) I am also with the "what works for you personally" crowd, because that's how I live. However ~ I'm a little concerned that your "old fashioned" views may be misleading you about HIV/Aids/STDs, etc. You don't have to worry if you are educated and prepared and steadfast about your health and the health of your partner. If sex scares you (due to the STD factor) ~ that's an entirely different beast than being old-fashioned. I fear old-fashioned values sometimes mask other things ~ probably not the healthiest of things, sadly. Seek information (reputable,) be tested regularly (because we are ALL at risk if we've had unprotected sex ONCE in our lifetimes), and then decide when you are ready and with whom. If the man you casually date doesn't understand this about you ~ he's not the one for you!! He wouldn't be the one for me either.  | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:20:03 AM | | Thanks for all the input. It's not a fear about STD's that drives my behavior. I am well enough educated about practicing safe sex. I just am disheartened at the attitude that many men and women have adopted regarding sex... that it has almost become expected of you to 'put out' when you go out on a date. I've even had friends of mine say that 'putting out' is normal on a first date, and that if you don't there must be something wrong with you, and that I would never find a partner if I didn't. I myself am a Christian, tho that in itself is not the only reason I choose celibacy before getting involved in a serious relationship. There is also the way I was brought up, and taught to think by my parents.... A process that spanned just over 20 years.... or for as long as I lived with them. Yes... I have lived on my own terms for just as long a time as I did with them, but I lived with that teaching ingrained in me. I also have other issues I have dealt with that are listed in my profile. They are not the reason I won't 'put out' on a first date, however. I think it all boils down to an issue about respect and feelings. How can I associate an act that I have always felt represented the deepest act of love, with what could turn out to be only casual sex, if the other person decided that you don't suit them. To me personally... That just cheapens the act itself. | |
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| Is it silly these days to have old fashioned standards regarding sex when dating?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:31:41 AM |
I think sex is a very important part of a relationship and if you wait a long time and find out you are not sexually compatible then you have wasted a lot of time and I am sure someone gets hurt. Its not like people our age are virgins and believe me when I say most of us do not disrespect women that give us sex early on. I personally want a woman that really loves sex and wants it as much as I do. If someone makes me wait very long I would be thinking she might very well be asexual or somewhat inhibited. Just my opinion.
Actually... some of us 'our age' are still virgins. Some just choose to wait. Others like myself, were just too involved with other aspects of their life to become involved, and are just recently entering dating circles. Age really has little to do with it... In my opinion. | |
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