| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:04:18 PM | I recently started seeing this awesome girl, and I really like her. In fact, Im crazy in like with her. Just yesterday she hinted to me that she may not be able to have a relationship with me if I don't wear a "real" motorcycle helmet while riding my bike, because it she's not sure if she want's to take that on and risk losing me or hurting her kids if they get close to me and Im "killed" on my motorcycle. (I wear a fake one, much smaller, and less heat on the head)
In many states, there is no helmet law. I know it's not a great idea, but that's not the issue here. The issue is that it's my decision and it seems like such a petty thing for her to end it over, especially when she really likes me, and Ive been nothing short of a gentleman to her. We had a very nice discussion about it, where we both presented some logic, but in the end, whether you choose to wear your seat belt should not affect your lover's (or princess, I should say) willingness to continue a relationship.
Am I wrong here? I certainly understand her worrying. However, we all worry about things that we have no control over. I feel that using some type of influence that one may have(in this case, that I SO like her mucho) to change something about a person rather than liking them for the person they are, seems a bit controlling to me. I mean, what's next? Get rid of my Harley??? Motorcycles are dangerous. Its a fact.
If I give in due to my fondness of her specialness (and other things), then I have sold myself out....Give ME S OME ADVICE OH GREAT AND WISE ONES WHO HOLD DEGREES IN APPLICABLE STUDIES. PLEASE, ONLY THE INTELLECTUAL NEED RESPOND; IF YOU CAN'T CONTEMPLATE YOUR OWN NAVEL, STOP AND EXIT NOW. THANKS.
ROMEO | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:11:46 PM | Just wear a helmet and solve the issue. (And possibly save your life) If something makes your woman feel more secure, go ahead and do it. Now, if it becomes more serious, such as getting rid of your motorcycle, get rid of her.
Justin | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:15:15 PM | There's dangerous - riding a Motorcycle
and there's stupidly dangerous - riding a motorcycle without a helmet.
If I drove without wearing a seatbelt and a gal told me she worried for my safety, she'd be right and I'd wear a seatbelt.
Not controlling to be concerned for the wellbeing of a potential partner imo | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:16:25 PM | Hmmm.. trying real hard to contemplate my navel here...
She's new. You don't know her history. Maybe she had a boyfriend in high school who died as a result of him not wearing his helmet?
Don't sweat the small stuff. And safety for safety's sake is small stuff. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:19:15 PM | Well, Romeo, in any good relationship you have to learn to compromise-if you are wearing some form of protection on your head than she should be content with that-and while I certainly can understand her concern about your safety-you are a grown man who should be able to make those kind of decisions for yourself. That being said, if you are crazy in like with her ( your terms) than would wearing a helmet be a big deal?
My ex has a bike-and I've had to swallow my pride and allow him the right to let his girls ride on the back of his bike. I was frantic because of the dangers of being a bike rider, and though he is a good driver-it's the other's on the road who I worry about more. He knew that was a big issue for me, but because he is their father he has the right to do with his children much the same as I would do-even if we didn't agree about the mode of transportation I know he'd do nothing to put them in harms way.
Yes, they wore full helmets-their leather jackets-jeans and boots so I feel a little bit better, but I worry none-the-less. I don't know that it's a control issue so much as a concern for your safety and well being. I can understand your need to wear items, while riding, that suit who you are, but try to see it from her point of view. I didn't see you say she asked you to stop riding, but the impression I'm getting is that she just wants you to be as safe as you possibly can be while riding your motorcycle. If you care about her and see yourselves as a couple this is just the beginning of relationship compromises.
And as my ex always reminded me-people can be hurt walking down the street so stop WORRYING so much-and though I hate to admit it he was right. Thusly, compromising about the girls riding with him seemed the fair thing to do. If you have no intentions of changing head gear-than at the very least ACKNOWLEGE her concerns but explain that you ride with safety in mind-and that there are no guarantees in life-including relationships. Good luck! | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:19:51 PM | | If you don't care enough about yourself to protect what you should consider to be your greatest asset.. how do you expect her to care enough for you? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:20:59 PM | | She cares more about you than you do yourself, I do not see this as a control issue. She has children and is obviously trying to set a good example. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:21:54 PM | | If you don't want to wear a helment don't.. but spare the female of the species the pain of being in love with a man who is dead because of not wearing a helment. So don't date ok? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:24:59 PM |
Not controlling to be concerned for the wellbeing of a potential partner imo
Neither do I dispute that statement, but the subtle hint of an ultimatum to have your way is the issue here, and is what I'm asking about, not how "stupid" you think I am or what is safer on the roads, Einstein. Thanks for stopping by though.
Concern does not validate the manifestation of control methods(subtle ultimatum, or manipulation), or does it?
 | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:25:35 PM | While I understand your desire to wear what you choose to while you're riding, it's honestly not that big of a deal. It's a helmet... and unless you're leaving out other information, it's the only thing she's asked you to change... and it's only for safety's sake.
It's like breaking up because you refused to put the toilet seat down. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:31:04 PM | I think the issue of wearing proper protective headgear on a motorcycle is common sense. However I don't see her reasoning to be anything to do with looking out for YOUR best interest and safety. It's all about HER and HER kids, how it would affect THEM if you got killed or maimed.
Surely with a bit of reasoning, you can see for yourselfl what her priorities are in a relationship with you. It's all about her, and her kids.
Is that what you want for yourself, years down the line?? You need to get your own priorites straight, before jumping feet first into something serious with this woman.
First of all, your number one priority is YOU. Your health, your safety, your choices, the value you place on yourself and your life.
Once you establish all that, so you feel comfortable and confident enouigh to take on what looks like someone else's mega- baggage of phobias, insecurites issues etc, then best of luck to you! | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:31:45 PM | OP, I can see where this could possibly be interpreted as controlling, but in this case I don't think it is.
You obviously care about her, and her actions seem to show that she cares about you.
I disagree with your statement, "whether you choose our to wear your seatbelt should not affect your lover's willingness to continue a relationship". It is true that you're both individuals, but when two individuals create a "relationship", they must realize that the relationship has characteristics and requirements of its own. Because when you create a relationship, you are in essence creating a family group which can eventually turn into a real family.
She is simply looking ahead in dealing with the survival of the relationship/family, because the loss of this is extremely painful. Therefore, she cares enough about you, that the contemplation of that type of loss, is painful to her.
I used to ride motorcycles myself. When I was younger, that's all I had. I have now raised three children. And there's a point in time, when I decided that my responsibilities to the "family" superseded my joy of risk taking. That does not mean that I quit riding altogether, but I was much more cautious/conservative.
She is not asking you to give up something that you love, simply modify how you do it to decrease the risk, because she wants you to be around as long as possible. That is reasonable. Actually, it's a sign of somebody who cares about you and your welfare.
I've always believed, that in a relationship you have to be fair, both to yourself and to your partner. In this case, I think she's being fair.
I guess you could reverse this scenario and ask the following. Is she and her children precious enough to you that you would wear a "real helmet" to ensure that you will be in their lives as long as possible? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:31:56 PM | | Well I can see where she is coming from being concerned about your safety, but think she may be getting a little extreme by saying she can't see you because of it. I guess I would wear a helmet and if she were to try to take it a step further, like as you say tells you to get rid of your bike, then I'd probably say she is to controlling and just put your foot down. If she doesn't like it well plenty of fish. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:35:42 PM | Ok here we go with the the helmet or not issue . Since we are in a gas crunch I see more and more of those on people's profile. If you are going to ride one be adult enough to wear the helmet . Consider it part of a fashion statement along with the rest drag wear when you go riding. Please remember there are people on the road that don't care that you are on a bike (seen this happen) and will do their best to make your being on the road difficult. I hope you have enough sense not to put a kid on the back of your bike without a helmet.
Question if you had a boat would you wear a life jacket? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:39:05 PM | LOL, damn girls....easy now.
Ok, so using your logic, I could determine that I dont want to see her anymore unless she will stay off the local interstate, which has been determined by the feds to be the most dangerous 50 mile stretch of highway in the nation. If she didnt agree to this, would I then be controlling? Im only worried about her safety dear, seriously.
You guys are associating riding without a helmet to danger, which is fine, and correct, but not the issue.
For the sake of argument, let's change the issue at hand to "skydiving". Let's say that I have been skydiving for many years(prior military, I am) and it's something I casually do and dont worry about. If you REALLY REALLY liked me, would you tell me to stop or you cant see me anymore?
I appreciate your honesty ladies, but damn, be nice please. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:40:32 PM | | SHe isnt controlling, she is protecting herself and her children from getting to involved with you and you ending up road kill. I would think you should be pleased she is thinking so highly of you | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:42:26 PM | Am I wrong here? I certainly understand her worrying. However, we all worry about things that we have no control over.
Being an ex Suzuki Katana 650 crotch rocket driver, I can understand your position. But I must say you really do have control over your wheels. It's not a roll of the dice when you get out there. Name of the game is safety first, fun second. I live in Illinois where there is no helmet laws. But look at the death stats from bike accidents with no helmets. Not a pretty picture.
I have seen plenty of wipe-outs with and without full head Bell Helmets. Obviously, the one's without didn't fare so well. You know and I know that being on a bike is like being a sitting target for most drivers who fail to check their blind spot in the rear view mirror. It is incumbent on you to protect yourself. You don't want to be "dead right".
IMO...I think you have a special lady who is thinking about keeping you safe. That's a gift. Many would walk away. I recommend at least try wearing a helmet. You get used to it. I did. In fact, I gave up my bike...sold it because she was to afraid of it and didn't want me on it. At least your s/o is not asking you to get rid of it.
When you think about it, isn't a strong loving relationship more rewarding than a bike ride? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:45:29 PM | | Clearly a man that is "IN LIKE" with a woman would want to protect himself to save his woman any grief that may come of an accident. If you care about her enough your own values on life would be that I will do what I need to do to protect myself and stay on earth as long as I can to be with this person or anyone else. (perhaps not her)The age old saying you have to love yourself first must come into play and by that I mean that you want to do whatever you can to safe guard yourself. This is not controlling of her, just a concern that any person (male or female) would have of a "liked one" | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:53:47 PM | I think others - most recently Nosey Neighbor - have eloquently stated what my take on this issue would be.
To look at the skydiving issue you've raised. Nah. Skydiving is on my "bucket list" - when I was pregnant with my daughter I thought "dayum, how old am I going to be when she'll be old enough to carry on without me... and will I still be spry enough to fulfill that dream?"
In other words... having a family reorders the priorities in your life. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:55:54 PM | If you don't like her ultimatums, then leave her. But she has every right to feel the way she does.
Let's say that I have been skydiving for many years(prior military, I am) and it's something I casually do and dont worry about. If you REALLY REALLY liked me, would you tell me to stop or you cant see me anymore?
Really, really liking you is the whole point. She's afraid you're going to get killed. Personally, I don't think it's control if it involves someone's safety. If you feel like she's being a controlling, then you're a big boy, just move on to someone who in your opinion is not controlling . | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:57:44 PM | Well, Margo, I will certainly heed your advice, because she just recently spoke highly of you and your wisdom.
Thanks | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 5:09:43 PM | | Sadly... the issue here isn't whether she's controlling or not.. if it weren't for Margo.. buddy would've kept on going until someone decided he was right.. he obviously doesn't give a damn if she's worried or not..He wants to be right. So, OP.. this is my thought now.. If she does dump you because you refuse to protect yourself.. please don't create a thread asking why your love left you... Again I reiterate.. if you aren't willing to protect your best asset, why should she let you into hers and her kids' lives??? Small concession to make if you look at the stats of accidents that occur with and without helmets.. and yes.. hate to break it to you.. I was a rider myself when I lived in Florida, and even though there are no helmet laws.. fashionable or not, I wore one! | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 5:11:52 PM | No, she's not controlling. She's being maternal - it's instinct - protection is one of our inbuilt responsibilities.....so very hard to ignore it, especially with people we care about.
If you think she is being controlling by this issue and see it as a pre-cursor to future issues she has a strong gut feeling about that might also hinder your freedom, then I suggest you let her go and sort out whatever issues you have with control before you get involved with anyone else.....which would be a shame because it's very likely this issue could come up again....and again.....
It really comes down to staying in the present, I think, and not projecting into the future. She's just asking you to take more care of your Self.....because she cares.
For any of us who have loved men who have motorbikes, it is scary, especially since every man my ex-husband knew who had a bike - all of them (including him) at some point had a major accident, no matter how careful and conscious drivers they were - you just could not always be prepared for what others drivers do.....or if there is sand on the roads, or gravel from winter snow preparations.
I think it comes down to what's more important to you -
1. having her in your life, or being slightly cooler on the top of your head when you ride?
or
2. having her in your life, or possibly not having a life at all? | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 5:27:43 PM | IMO it depends on her previous behavior.
To me the ultimatum for wearing a motorcycle helmet is far different than an ultimatum that you change your clothes according to her tastes, allow her mom to stay with you at your expense, or to spend more time with her (work less, or see less of your friends).
If she has never attempted to control you in the past then her motives for demanding a functional helmet are more than likely truly based in concern and desire for your safety rather than fulfill an ideal of who she wants you to be. Or at most she wants you to be someone that is more likely to survive a motorcycle accident.
She is not withholding sex, attention, money, or validating behaviors (I assume) until you conform to her desires so much as saying "I can't accept this high level of risky behavior on your part, either decrease the risk or I am gone." She is not demanding that you discontinue your risky behavior, only that when you do it you are more careful.
I think the decision to, or not, wear your seat belt, a helmet, to join the army, sky dive, or put a child in a car seat are all valid (and similar) situations where the final choice is important enough to determine whether or not the relationship should continue. The choice of behavior is ultimately representative of deeper beliefs and personality. | |
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| Is she controlling?
Posted: 7/24/2008 5:38:34 PM | Perhaps the bigger risk is the OP letting his emotional guard down to show this woman he truly cares about her feelings where he is concerned. We all take risks in life-the biggest one, for some people, is merely opening up their hearts. Hey, it would be easy to say-OP you are right in your convictions and don't wear a helmet, but if you are crazy in like with this woman-and you want a relationship with her-meet her half way and pop a helmet on your head.
It's not always a matter of whose right or whose wrong-but meeting the one you care about most somewhere in the middle. I honestly don't think her request is demanding or controlling-she obviously cares about YOU and wants you to be around for a long while. JMHO for what it's worth- | |
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