eazk
|
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 1 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:49:17 PM | Oh...I'm talking about her cooking..otherwise this would be in the Sex and Dating forum.
She loves it when I cook.
She loves to cook with me.
But when she cooks alone, nothing is up to par in her opinion.
And of course since these are recipes she's known for years, she knows how she wants them to taste. And they are turning out is great in my eyes.
But she continues to beat herself up about the food.
Most recently I had to threaten to send her home without her dessert if she didn't stop complaining about not getting the ice water cold enough...on top of everything else.
So tell me...what's the secret of getting someone to stop demeaning themselves in a specific effort when you know it's great and they're putting their whole heart into it (OK, maybe it is a Sex and Dating thread)?
 | |
|
| |
eazk
|
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 3 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:17:08 PM | Ohhhhh...one could only wish that was the answer. Nope...no amount of praise/acceptance gets her past it. She doesn't eat, is pissed that in her mind I'm being a good sport, and wanted to throw it all out.
| |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:29:14 PM | As someone who is a master in the art of beating themselves up and also being highly resistant to words of praise, I have a few thoughts... I think you could (after you cook, not when she has cooked) -- ask her gently why does it matter to her so much that she cooks well -- what is she afraid of? It may be a generalised fear of failure or it may be associated to personal experience, where her dad used to complain about what a bad cook her mum was or where you have complained about your ex being a bad cook -- whatever. There is some reason why she has a particularly high standard for herself there, if it's not a generalised attitude.
Personally, I tend to fear failure, in all realms of life and this can be worse when the other person is pretty competent because the standards seem higher. I don't see failure to cook well on every single occasion as being so terrible any more. Sometimes food, (especially rice and lentils!) sticks to the bottom of the pan and burns a little -- both my partner and I burn things every so often in this way -- our kitchen is kind of make-shift at the moment which makes cooking quite awkward. Because we both get it a bit wrong at times and it's clear that neither of us minds it for ourselves, it's not a big deal and we don't feel like it's a desperate failure and we just joke about it, though I might have felt very bad if he hadn't burned things too. Does the food you cook always turn out just as you'd like it to? Maybe it would be worth letting her know that it doesn't so that there is not a misperception of inequality where what you do always turns out perfect and what she does is always less than perfect. Talk to her about your own cooking disasters!
It doesn't make much difference to me either to have someone saying vaguely "mmm, delicious" if I think the food is below par. Picking on one or two ingredients and saying "oh I love green beans..." or whatever can be a better positive comment, because it's harder for her self-castigating brain to refute. When she says that something doesn't taste right, ask her what she thinks is missing or wrong -- identify what she can do differently next time.
Continue cooking together as much as possible but watch yourself -- I have a tendency to take over with cooking, working to an invisible recipe, just rushing through it to get the job done quickly and my special someone can get left feeling like he doesn't know what to do and lose confidence in his ability to cook and to make decisions. When you cook together, make the effort to consult her, to leave her to make some of the choices.
It may also help to have some more low-effort meals and put less emphasis on the food to reduce the standard/importance of a high standard for it in her mind. At the end of the day we eat to live, we don't live to eat and perhaps you've unintentionally made the shared meal into the central being-together event, making the importance of getting it right loom large in her mind. Raise the importance of other shared activities such as going for a walk together or watching dvds together etc. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:29:43 PM | I would have to say that you tell her to change the oil in your car.... and by the time she is done you'll have dinner made. (Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.)
Try asking her why she thinks it's bad. Then just give her some slightly different ideas to try. Nothing major tho just to change it up in her mind. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:06:05 PM | Tell her that her self-flagellation causes you to lose your appetite and that you're not gonna eat her food if she continues to give it to you in that spirit. Have you ever seen the film "Like Water for Chocolate"? I believe there's some truth to the idea that we put our energy into the food we prepare.
Not to cast aspersions on your girlfriend or break your ostensibly happy home, but there's a sort of backhanded arrogance that comes with her dismissing your opinion as if your taste buds are somehow less discerning than hers, or as if you're so spineless that you'd lie about her cooking just to save face.
Also, I think Msg2 is spot on. If she TRULY felt her cooking sucked that much, she'd stop cooking. Here's a challenge for you, should you choose to accept it: the next time she insults her cooking, say nothing. Don't feed into it (pun intended). If she asks you directly for your opinion, say something non-committal like "you feel the way you feel about it and that's fine, and I appreciate that you took the time and effort to cook this meal for us." If she pesters you (and I have the sneaking suspicion she will, IF the hunch about her being a compliment-fisher is true), then let her know that although YOU enjoy the taste, if SHE really hates the taste that much, she should throw it out and start over, and you'll happily wait another 2 hours for her to perfect her bowl of pasta if it's that important to her. That's likely to be one interesting conversation.
I say that as someone who's actually HAD the experience of cooking an utterly horrible pot of rice, so horrible that I threw it out and started over lol. And I made sure the second round was flawless. It was a humbling experience. If she's really committed to being this amazing cook in her own mind, she might just have to swallow her pride, quit complaining to you, and just do the damn thing til she gets it right.
   | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:20:35 PM | Depends on why she is doing it. Did someone in her past criticize her cooking? Was her mother whom, presumably taught her most of these recipes, critical of her cooking or anything or everything else? Was she married to a guy that was controlling/abusive at least verbally, emotionally that she is in the habit of shooting for perfection with dire consequences if she misses?
I think we all have the same problems with handed down recipes. You cannot seem to get them exactly the way that mom did, particularly when mom's measurements are fairly nebulous in nature. None of my sister-in-laws nor I can get a particular dish to be of the same consistency in the "gravy" or the taste. This is a bit emotional as these are comfort foods that we frankly don't feel as much comfort from if they are different, even if they are better than the original.
For quite a few years I continued to try to duplicate my mother's recipes exactly but at some point I accepted that mine tasted somewhat different and stopped trying to reproduce exactly those dishes I grew up with, and as I gained greater confidence wound up tweaking several of them to better fit mine and my childrens' tastes. My 16-year-old daughter is already a fantastic cook but you know what she says, it just doesn't taste like yours. So, to an extent it goes with the territory.
If her mother or someone else has made her feel that nothing she does measures up, it could be coming out in the cooking. If she has lost her mother or someone else who shared the recipes, it could be related to feeling almost as if she is disrespecting them by not doing it right, and could also feel the cooking as a connection that she is also not getting quite right.
Figure out why she is berating herself and go from there. Of course, you could try to make sure she never totally cooks a meal alone, so that she cannot criticize herself without dissing you. Or, if present but not helping you can always say that whatever she thinks is wrong is probably because 'I was a big lug distracting you.' | |
|
| |
eazk
|
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:42:02 PM | Not so much, but she does respond well to positive reinforcement in the other things...so when her confidence starts to slip, a few words, a hug, a mutual look at the challenge typically snaps her out of it. But with cooking...this is like the 3rd time I've had the great apology dinner. It started with appetizer (artichoke dip) and carried into dinner (chicken & rice with asparagus on the side). All very good. But as an example, when I didn't eat the thickest part of the asparagus shoots (and usually if the rest is cooked right the base of the shoot is a bit tough), she started in about not cooking it right even though the rest was perfectly cooked.
Sometimes I just wonder if it is a subliminal way to never cook again. Says she loves it...but she's not having fun with it. Perhaps she's just trying too hard. Girls overcompensating...LOL...now there's a new one.
| |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:43:04 PM | Here's how I've dealt with people who constantly berate themselves to get you to bolster their ego: seriously, seriously pretend you don't even notice or hear them. (The negative parts anyway) I mean, academy awarding winning, act like your deaf and just don't hear those parts of the conversation...it has always worked for me...if they aren't getting a response, they have no reason to keep talking...just a thought....
HER: Man this is awful…. I keep trying but I suck at this
YOU: So, I love the way you did your hair today, it looks awesome
HER: How can you eat this crap!
YOU: So I need to know if you’re up for going to that party Friday like we discussed….
I worked with a coworker who followed me around like a puppy dog for weeks doing this and in the end, I was the only person in the office she didn't do that do anymore and she had people there she had been doing this too for 4 years or more.... LOL
 | |
|
| |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:49:55 PM | | ^^^^^ nice concept amberzamber, but doing that to a co-worker is one thing. Doing that to your mate is a totally different thing if you ask me. That just asks for the arguments starting with, "you never listen to me!!" | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:57:03 PM | tell her that you are there for her company and not her food...
the grub is incidental, its the ambience that matters.
lol no one will ever be with me because of my cooking, sometimes even i cant eat it. i like it that way, it proves my friends and family love me to bits for meeeee | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:01:25 AM | | When my cooking doesn't turn out quite right, I just think..... no big deal! Whatever. I don't beat myself up about it. She just needs a little TLC until she feels comfortble enough with her skills. Just keep encouraging her. Remind her to be gentle with herself. Remind her that no one is perfect, and keep telling her how much you enjoy her cooking, and everything else you like about her. That you care enough to seek advice speaks volumes! She must be very special. Try to make her see herself as you see her..... | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:23:19 AM | Concentrate more on each other [positive] and less on food preparation [negative].
Take her out for a nice dinner, and have a talk with her. She sounds like a perfectionist. Not that there is anything wrong with that. A little high strung.
She made have had someone in the past that berated her constantly.
Over long periods of time, it affects character and breeds insecurities. Just try and be as supportive and patient as possible. This will help. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:14:00 AM | Use your scathing reverse psychology on her. Everything she complains about, tell her she is understating how bad it really is. Beg her to stay out of the kitchen because she is like a food criminal in there. Make unhappy faces no matter what she serves you. Poke at it with your fork, but don't eat it. Bring a wrapped sandwich to the dinner table, set it next to your plate as your emergency reserve supply of edible food.
She puts herself down because she is secretly feeling something is missing in the relationship. It's not about the cooking at all. It is about the real falling short of the ideal. She is feeling that she should be happy but something is missing. So this manifests as dissatisfaction with cooking, which gives her a way to express her dissatisfaction that is sneaky but somehow still serves the real emotions she feels underlying everything. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:42:08 AM | Dude if thats really the only problem then by all means COOK FOR THAT GAL and always ask her to help. And be generous with your praise on everything she does. EASE her into that cooking role again with tons of generous compliments.
Cheers
Cowboy | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:02:43 AM | She puts herself down because she is secretly feeling something is missing in the relationship. It's not about the cooking at all. It is about the real falling short of the ideal. She is feeling that she should be happy but something is missing. So this manifests as dissatisfaction with cooking, which gives her a way to express her dissatisfaction that is sneaky but somehow still serves the real emotions she feels underlying everything.
actually this usually happens when someone feels that they dont measure up.try asking if she could show you how to cook something because you would like to learn how to.see how she reacts then.i bet she doesnt feel so insecure.i am guessing that she aspired to do all the cooking for her man.really it is probably how she would prefer it. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:31:32 AM | gotta go with heart_chakra and amberzamber on this one.
she's fishing for validation, compliments, whatever, but, she's fishing nonetheless.
I've been "cooked for", but haven't cooked for someone else for quite a while, mainly because I don't entertain at home (family) as much as go out, so I know that I will probably wonder if my efforts will pass muster, hopefully not to the same extent as the OP's friend.
when in doubt: order in. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:47:30 AM |
I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
I was married to a woman like that and it was really draining. She was an interior decorator and really good at what she did but, like your lady, it was never good in her eyes. Understand there is NOTHING you can do to change that. She has a bad self image and only therapy will change it. Believe me. Been there done that. My ex was so negative about herself that she'd apologize if it rained (as if it was her fault). I needed to constantly prop her up, praise her, remind her that people in her field said she did great work but she could just never accept it. Bottom line is that she could never really accept herself even though I accepted her unconditionally. I just got drained of energy after a while. I was going through a rough time of it at that time myself. I was working two full time jobs (one day and one at night playing with a band 3 nights a week while putting myself through law school at night...for four years. That was enough of a drain but after all that, coming home and doing pillow therapy with her just about every night, well, I just couldn't deal with it after a while.
I learned the hard way that unless that person really knows and accepts herself and really likes/loves themselves, there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. There is nothing you can do, there are not enough compliments, not enough praise that you can heap upon her that will change anything about her attitude towards herself. She has to want to change it and she has to change.
Now if the only instance your lady has is in the kitchen, then adjust for that. But I'm guessing that low self esteem creeps into other areas as well. Bottom line I guess is that it depends upon how much it bothers you and IF you can accept that this is the way it will (most likely) always be, then live with it. Good luck. | |
|
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:56:41 AM | (OK, maybe it is a Sex and Dating thread)
Oh, i love that one...too funny.
I mean, how bad can her cooking really be. you know, do you have to throw out all of the pots afterwards because they are burnt beyond recognition?
This in some small way reminds me of my ex wife, who was not only majorly beautiful, but a concert pianist of some renown. She constantly would say things like...'oh, i really suck...I'm not that good at all.", while people were eating her up, and buying her CD's like crazy. Even our children caught on, i remember when one of my sons said..."well, I'm done Dad, she must need a lot of attention"
you know it..it's either a deep need for attention, or some particular form of insecurity.
You think she's great, she's not satisfied....what do we do
ummm...not much we can do about it.
Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 | |
|
| |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:19:15 AM | I'm not so sure she wants you to lavish praise on her for her culinary skills; not sure she's fishing for compliments in a backhanded way. I actually think she wants you to agree with her. And I don't think her recipes or cooking skills, or lack thereof, has anything to do with it. I'd be more inclined to think that she is trying desperately to win your attention/affections and is trying to gain your approval. Maybe she was raised with a father who was a perfectionist and nothing was ever good enough, and saw her mother doing the same thing. Maybe none of that is true...
But next time she complains about it, say, "You know; you're right. This sucks. Let's order a pizza!" | |
|
| |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 5:42:22 AM | | I've read most of the responses to this and I tend to agree with parts of some, but not always all of it. I agree there is something to make her overly critical of her own cooking. It's an issue she is going to have to deal with on her own. If supporting her in this isn't enough, there is nothing you can do to 'heal' her. She needs to love and like herself first and foremost. That and some couseling will give her the confidence to say 'oh well' if you don't scramble after every crumb on your plate and see it's not the meal, but the company it is shared in that matters. Honestly, unless she is willing to get the help she obviously needs, at some point, your great patience is going to naturally grow thin and you will be completely drained. I can see how this could cause an end to the relationship. But, if she is not willing to do some self exploration and talk it out with a professional, I would suggest cutting your losses now before you both come to resent each other. Good luck! | |
|
Home
login 
