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 ljw_201
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 1
Clingy and pushy??Page 1 of 1    
Hey ladies. I have a question that you all might be able to answer for me.
First off, I was dating a girl on POF for about a month and a half. We got along great! We saw each other for about a day or two every weekend, whenever she needed me, I was there. I didn't try to push myself on her or anything. In fact, there were certain days when she asked me to come up and I couldn't because of my job and what-not.
There was even a time when she was in CSU (Crisis Stabilization Unit) and I was there for her more than her parents were. I went down to visit her when her mom refused to (and she says that her and her mom are supposed to be really close), I was there to drive her back home when she got out on Sunday night, and I was there to watch over her that evening when she did get out. I was there when she cried and got upset because she couldn't fill her prescriptions that night. She didn't drive, so when I came up there every weekend, I would take her to work and pick her up from work. All I was trying to do was show her that I cared about her. Then, on July 4th, we were all supposed to go out to a drive-in movie with her parents and her aunt to see a couple movies that were playing back to back, but she wasn't feeling good. She decided to stay home and I decided to stay with her to make sure that she would be ok, because I don't think that it would be fair to run out and see a movie with her folks and leave her at home by herself. I mean: come on. That's just rude.
Well, the next day, she told me that I had to go home because she was going to go with her aunt back to her state until Sunday night to see her relatives. I was like..."Ok, no problem. I'll just see you when I get back." Then she starts jumping on my ass, asking me if I'm angry. "No, I'm not angry." "Well, you look angry." And I wasn't angry! It's her life. If she wants to go and visit her relatives that she hasn't seen in two years, more power to her.
But when I got home, she actually had the nerve to IM me and tell me that we had some red flags going off. One of the main ones was that I was being too pushy and clingy. How was I being pushy and clingy, or was this just some excuse to cover up something that she was doing? I'm not trying to bash, but this has got me stumped. And if that's not enough, I asked her HOW I was being pushy or clingy, exactly what I was doing, and she said: "I don't know. My mom brought it to my attention." So she's going to accuse me of something that she doesn't even know why she's accusing me of it? Any comments or ideas, because I have no idea what's going on and she doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's like I'm getting treatment as if I cheated on her and all I did was try to show her that she was appreciated.
 MizQ
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 2
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:34:41 AM
All I was trying to do was show her that I cared about her.


Well, she feels smothered. She has a right to say and feel anything she wants, even if you do not feel that was the case. Has any other woman expressed these feelings to you in the past?

It could all be an excuse too. Who knows. That said, you need to move on there.
 ljw_201
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 3
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:39:21 AM
Thanks for the comment. I understand what you mean by smothered, but what does that even mean technically? People always say smothered (this would be the first time anybody has treated me this way, by the way due to your question), but what exactly is the definition of smothered? Wouldn't women rather be SHOWN that they are cared for instead of ignored? I guess too much can turn a woman off, huh? That confuses me. LOL
 MizQ
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 4
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:43:31 AM
We want to feel that it is sincere. Overboard and rapidly after not dating someone very long can come across as something else.

Regardless, it is how she feels. This could be all her. We are never going to know both sides to the story, so hard for me to make a clear judgement.

Move on and perhaps the next person will be more appreciative of your caring ways..
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 5
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:46:15 AM
OP - based on what you've said here - what are you attracted to about this woman? It sounds as though she is in a constant state of crisis and drama... Maybe she feels guilty about being so needy! My suggestion is to move on. Most women appreciate men who are considerate - but then most women aren't so needy.
 Bellydanza
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 6
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:48:11 AM
Ok maybe you wrote this and I missed it. Why was she in the hospital and what kind of meds was she on. That could be a factor in her weird behavior.

She doesn't sound very stable. Even with her family. Sounds like she couldn't handle the stability that you represented.

I don't think you did anything wrong myself. You went out of your way to show you cared.
 ljw_201
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 7
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:54:06 AM
She was in the Crisis Stabilization Unit in Cookeville. In other words, she was in a Mental House. She has a medical condition that makes her a chronic depressive, BUT at the same time, she has medication that helps that. She stopped taking them and fell into a slump. She wanted to hurt herself and most guys would turn their backs on that and run as fast as they could, but like I said, I was genuine. I was trying to show her that I cared about her and I stuck by her. She gave up on me! Most other guy wouldn't have stayed when they found out that their girflriends are chronic depressive with a history of wanting to hurt themselves.
 MizQ
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 8
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:56:29 AM
Most other guy wouldn't have stayed when they found out that their girflriends are chronic depressive with a history of wanting to hurt themselves.


No, not after a month and a half in. That was kind of you, but this was doomed from beginning. She was not in any position to be dating anyone anyway. There was nothing you could have done differently for this to have a chance.
 ljw_201
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 9
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:58:38 AM
"No, not after a month and a half in. That was kind of you, but this was doomed from beginning. She was not in any position to be dating anyone anyway."
-------------------------------------------------
I agree.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 10
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:09:09 AM
In other words, she was in a Mental House.

Um, OK...................... and you're asking us if you did something wrong???

She didn't give up on YOU, she gave up on HERSELF.
A person with chronic mental illnesses needs to stay on their meds and be with someone that understands the illness and behaviors that go with it, not someone that comes here and tries to get advice from who knows what.....

Yeah, good for you for sticking it out, but to what end? To be with a woman that needs some MAJOR medical attention?? I don't get it. Are ya lookin' for martyr status or do you just want to be with women that need fixing and uber attention??

In other words, find a mentally stable woman and let this one go. She obviously needs some help, and you're not the dood to give it to her..... Unless you have a psychology degree and can diagnose, treat and monitor her.
 Pamperpooch000
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 11
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:10:13 AM
OP if she's a chronic depressive, then she'll also probably be completely lacking in confidence, and women like this can't believe they deserve a decent man, so as soon as one gets close to them they push them away because they are afraid of the alternative (the guy dumping them first and making them feel even more inadequate). She probably goes through relationship after relationship doing exactly the same thing, then blaming the guy for not fighting for her. I wouldn't blame yourself for this. This kind of woman needs to get herself sorted before she can have a loving relationship, and she is far from sorted if she's suffering from chronic depression. It may sound harsh, but people like this can't deal with themselves let alone a relationship, so it's best to walk away and let her get on with it IMO.
 Bellydanza
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 12
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:22:14 AM
Yea now with this information, it's clear. This was not your fault. I had another good friend who tried to date someone with a mental illness and he said it was hell. He loved her to death but in the end couldn't deal with things. He tried.

You tried.
 Mominatrix
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 13
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History
Clingy and pushy??
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:36:04 AM
Here is the telling statement...
I asked her HOW I was being pushy or clingy, exactly what I was doing, and she said: "I don't know. My mom brought it to my attention."
You were behaving in a very thoughtful and considerate manner towards her, and she listens to someone else when it comes to her opinion of you?

She does not even know her own mind.

You dodged a bullet OP.
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