| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:03:29 PM | My ex left 10 months ago. The kids and I have had to move etc. All the joys of becoming a single parent.
I have accepted that he didn't want me, and whatever else. I am ready to find someone to be happy with, someone who will love me for me. My question is how do I do this without letting the hurt, and the dishonesty he left me with show?? I can't seem to keep an open mind for too long, is there a way to do this?? Is there a way to go forward, and not think about past hurts and heart break??
Thanks | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:49:33 PM | | well just maybe you are not as ready as you think to move on. if you are still having trust and loyalty issues, work on that first. I know all to well the lonliness a bad breakup can bring, but if you do not deal with that, you are not moving forward, and the next guy may be fantastic. do you want to sabotage that with your emotional baggage? I made that mistake once and let a GREAT guy go because of my insecurities. Take it from me, heal your hurts hunny, then you will truly be able to move on:) Good luck!!! | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:23:07 PM | "is there a way to do this?? Is there a way to go forward, and not think about past hurts and heart break??"
No. Unless you don't have a heart or a conscience. It has been years for me. Five to be exact. And it still hurts......
But instead of forgetting about the past hurts and heartbreak, use them to guide your next adventure. Don't be to quick to fall for a pretty face and a smooth line. Watch for the little red flags and when you see one, nip it in the bud.
Look at this as a second chance. He has freed you to live without the misery and pain that came with loving him. And probably spared your children the same. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:44:18 PM | | Before you can move forward, you must let the past go. Time does heal all wounds. I was married to my ex-wife for 29 years. One day I came home and she was gone. She took everything! I was devastated. I loved her so much; I would have given her the world if I could. We had lots of issues that we did not know how to solve. She was a cold hearted mean **** to me. A month later, I couldn’t take the hurt anymore. I tried to kill myself. I spent a week in the Mental Center. What I learn in the Center was that I could not change my past or make my ex love me. For two months after I was released, I had lots of anger and hate towards her. I could not move forward with my life, because everywhere I went, I cursed my wife. Nobody wanted to be around me. One day I woke up and I knew what I had to due. I went to my wife’s apartment, in a very polite voice, I asked her for a few minutes of her time. We sat out on the front porch. I explained to my wife that I could not change our past or how she feels about me. I got down on one knee, held her right hand, and told her, that from deep in my heart, I am so sorry that I hurt you for so many years. I then kissed her hand and hugged her. From that day on, I started a new life. I have never been so happy. My wife became my ex-wife. That cold hearted **** never forgave me and hates me till this day. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:21:53 AM | Family abandonment is a good reason for divorce. Get that divorce A.S.A.P...you need to get yourself free from a man that decided to free himself of his responsibilities..
Once you have that divorce document....do something good for yourself ..even something simple.
Give your kids a hug and walk right into your future...I wish you all the luck in the world..hang in there
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:16:27 AM | If it's been 10 months, I wish you would truly listen to the folks who are going to say the same thing I am about to - it has NOT been long enough.
No one - not one person - has the ability to be "over" any realtionship of meaning in 10 months.
While you may "think" you're all the way through it and ready. You aren't.
And - you indicate there are children involved? This is MORE significant.
Your children are not over it.
They are not ready for Mom to be dating, leaving them with a sitter and going out with strange men.
Give yourself a much more significant period of time. To really understand the life of being a single parent. 10 months, honey is not it. Try 10 years.
Give your children your FULL attention right now.
Put aside your feelings of loneliness and embrace this time as what you need to understand who you are alone and on your own without your ex.
You'll know you're ready when you don't feel the need to ask - how to date without feeling distrust. Because you will have resolved all your hurt and your issues on your own first.
That's when you're ready to date. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:49:50 AM | | What is it about the past that you would want by going back into it? Find that and you'll be done looking back for it. Then when you meet someone new you can see them, and not abuse the experience as involuntary therapy. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:16:22 PM | | I know what you mean. I don't have the answers but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Maybe when you meet the right person all the past stays in the past...that way we can make all new mistakes and learn from those ones too! | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:26:52 PM | I've been married 2 times, the first was a way to get away from home at 18 yrs old. I loved him but was not in love with him which I realized 10 yrs and 1 child later. Divorced him and met my 2nd husband before I even left my first ,but did not cheat on him until after I left. My second husband seemed to be my soul mate and I thought he was. He developed mental problems( had them when i met him) but i over looked that because I loved him. Thought I could help him. Ha ha. You can't help someone who does'nt want to help themselves. < This is the way we were for the last 5 yrs of our marriage. It took a big toll on me and my children. Physical (sometimes) mental and emotional abuse most of the time. The past will always show If you loved that person. You can move on and it does take time. (TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS) Even after 3 yrs I still have issues that I'm trying to deal with.) He choose his mental illness over his home,wife and children.I feel better about myself and so do my children emotionally and mentally.. Move on!!! Its hard, but move on. Wish you all the best of luck and may God bless you. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:20:25 PM | | The reason why you have past hurts is because you need something to BLOCK AND PREVENT you from getting involved in a REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. This is nature's way of protecting you from further chaos and confusion and devastation. Especially if you have kids, you need to cool your jets for a while. Be thankful you are given this "natural tendency" to push those away who may have the propensity to harm you further than you have already gone. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:20:38 PM | | All you need is more time. Don't rush it. You need to heal in your own way. You'll know when it doesn't hurt anymore and then you'll be more open to understanding a brand new pain-in-the-butt with all his new 'quirks'. LOL Best of luck. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:44:22 PM | Our past's is what makes who we are today,you have to think internally.
Try to discard some of what you don't need,and keep what you want.
A 30 lbs. rock is'nt that heavy,carry it it around for a while days/weeks,etc.
You have to learn when to put down the weight,and keep moving.
The post from eastendwoman really hit's the nail dead on.  Jmo. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:48:49 PM | | its been over two years for me now and i too tried to end it all and had to spend time in hospital and i just thought no-one on earth could feel the pain i was goin through like the bricks in my stomach and the feeling my heart was just continually ripping appart time went by and yes it got easier but it wont go away no matter how much i look at my life and think ive made steps forward its always there still haunting me and the guy i did all this for i keep bringing his name up in past memories even to new dates and i sometimes dont realise how much i do it. its like hes ruining my life over and over yet i tell myself i am over him and he is just a part of my past life now nothin to do with my future and i so want that to be real that i dont keep remembering and the pain although now is nearly gone that it wouldnt keep raising itself again when i most dont need it to. so no i dont think it will ever go away cos if ever i gave mysel whole to one person it was him heart and soul and then it makes you so you cant trust again cant believe what once was so easy an effortless thing to do and that in its self has made it so hard to think of ever making a proper go of it with someone else. I really wish now he had never come into my life cos in someways i dont think ill ever have that part of a life back 100% again with someone and its a shame cos i do so long for that togetherness and the feeling of complete trust and just being as one. all because you cant just let the past go not matter how much you try or how many dates you have to try and see if somehow you can make it disapear with the company of someone new nope what the hell is it all about and why do we let ourself get roped into things like this in the first place. Thought of myself of one of lifes saddos after i tried ending it and how would never try again but to be honest i often feel like most of me died anyway the part that should have now to live again is not there just empty space and no hope at times but will carry on and just keep goin. no think you heal till you stop bleeding but then the wound never closes . | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 2:27:23 PM |
I am ready to find someone to be happy with, someone who will love me for me
My question is how do I do this without letting the hurt, and the dishonesty he left me with show??
There's no need to hide what you feel. It does take time to get over it. It takes a lot of work, and you are the only person that can do that. Go to counseling. Yes, there is a way to move forward, you've got to let go of the past in order to move forward. You will always think of the past, we all do, but you don't have to let it run your life, or ruin your life. It's not really fair to the other person you will become involved with, if you do not work through the damage that you have endured . If you are looking for just something casual to help you feel better about what you are going through right now, make sure you, and the person you are seeing, understand, it is only temporary. If you are looking for love, and long term, do the work first, and you might find that special someone in your life. Good luck. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:20:32 PM | Hey Nibbles,
not that you need my two cents, these people have done a great job responding to you.
I've been there several times, and I believe there is only one thing that makes it go away-Time. I know I am only reinforcing what others have said, but I agree with them.
It's good news and bad news. Good-there is something. Bad-How much time are we talking here?
I can add this-if it hasn't been said before in this post. Finding someone else quickly, maybe to take your mind off the old, and have something new and exciting to look forward to, certainly did not work for me.
When that other person is the first thing you think of in the morning, and the last thing you think of when you lay in bed at night is something you still experience, it's too soon.
Hang in there, you are certainly not alone hon.
Peace, Johnny | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:24:28 PM | Honestly, I think that the best way to look at any broken relationship or marriage is one of a learning experience. One of the hardest parts of life is getting past hurts and memories, but you can always look back and see things that you learned and see how the relationships change you for the better.
You say that it's hard to move on, of course it is, it is always difficult to pick up all of the pieces and put yourself out there and on the line again. However, it is important that you always do that eventually. Always know that there is someone else out there that can treat you even better and that you can treat better.
I say dont forget the past because it is a part of you now, but embrace the good and build on it with someone else. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:40:10 PM | | Don't move on until you are ready - and I don't think you are ready if you are bitter. Rightfully so ... its time to just enjoy you and until you do you won't be able to appreciate anyone else. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:05:31 PM | Hello you. OK, this is my very personal opinion but it certainly helped me.
1. Find a good listener, a good mate or ideally several and talk about it until you are sick of talking about it. And go over it on your own, write it down if you want to, to put the whole relationship in some kind of order and to help you to get it straight in your own head.
2. Remind yourself every day of all of your positive attributes, maybe write them down too. Tell yourself that you are great, it sounds slightly corny but you really will start to beleive it after a whilst. A relationship ending can knock all the self confidence and self esteem right out of you.
3. Get pumping at those positive endorphins. Outlaw all sentimental ballads from your house for a whilst and dance about to uplifting happy energy inducing stuff.
4. Make the most of everything that you have. Put on some lipstick, get dressed up, even if you are only going up to the school to pick up the kids. You are their fabulous mother and they want to be proud of you. So hold your head up high and dont shrink into the background, beleive me, once you have forced yourself to chat happily the once it is all downhill from there.
5. Lay off the booze, food and any other short term emotional cruch, because that my friend is nothing more than quick pick-me-up and longer term downer.
6. Find something for you that doesnt involve the kids for you to get your teeth into and to mentally focus yourself on - after all life isnt all about having to have a chap, it really isnt compulsory.
7. And finnally chat to other singles. This site is ideal for all that. Remind yourself that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Enjoy the anonymity of a wonderful facility like this and let a few guys boost you up by telling you that you are great and dont forget to bolster them up too, they might really need it also.
And best of luck babe, not that you need it, you have moved and started again with the kids and you have signed up for this so in so many ways you are already moving forward.
Mx
PS. I am a single mother of two boys, I left an emotionally destructive relationship 3 years ago and now have just graduated from university and really do love my life. I am perfectly at peace with being single, but have still not given up hope with finding love again, and who knows, perhaps one day I will... maybe even on here. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:17:05 PM | | try things new , try a fresh way that has been un explored. the new adventure with your kids so fun , also give time to yourself and if you meet someone on the way all the better. in fact meet lots there so many differnt people out here , theres gens to clods | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:26:58 PM | You have two young kids. Maybe put your energy and love into them, give them as much stability as possible for a few years.
And try to come to terms with how you might have contributed to the break up. Once you can honestly do that, you will have more confidence in moving forward. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:33:44 PM | | If you figure this out let me know, I think the people that have a hard time moving on are the ones that were in love. I am dealing with ex boyfriends, Funny i never had he issue of moving on with ex husband because I never loved him. But have loved two others in my life and my heart has been destroyed. Took me 20 year for the first one and now, hmm not sure if i will ever recover. Good luck. | |
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| How to move on and not let the past show?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:01:05 PM | | WELL CLEARLY 10 MONTHS IS NOT ENOUGH TIME TRY TWO YEARS THEN MAYBE.FIND YOURSELF FIRST THEN MOVE ON TIME IS ALL YOU NEED HELL I AM A MAN I TOOK 13 YEARS BEFORE I STARTED DATING AGAIN | |
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