| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:11:38 AM | Went on a first date last night (hate those) and the guy was talking about how he thinks people are too picky about what they want in someone. I've gotten a version of this from quite a few of the guys I've met.
Shouldn't we be picky? I mean, I have limited hours in my life and a lot of great friends already to share what little time outside of work and responsibility I have with...why would I want to just settle for someone else to eat up my time?
Granted, being picky has its drawbacks because it means more and more of those awful first dates, but if it isn't there, it isn't there...
of course, at 3am I find myself thinking, AM I too picky??? So my question is, is holding out for chemistry the wrong thing to do? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:59:49 AM | Yeah...holding out for chemistry is wrong. Just do it and see if things hit then. First date bangs are much more rewarding and tell you a lot more information anyways! then you can make a truely informed decsion.
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:34:20 AM | It's not a matter of being to picky IT'S DO NOT SETTLE. Big differance. You really don't want a total loser, or someone who your not clicking with. It's better to be alone then to be used or unhappy.
Do not settle, but MAKE SURE YOUR EXSPECTATIONS ARE RESONABLE. Your chances of finding "The perfect Man" is slim to none of us are perfect, but That does not mean they can't be perfect (great) for you.
Keep your standers but, make sure they are realalistic!!! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:40:23 AM | Ok, I went on a singles retreat last week with my church group. As you expect in a singles group the topic turned to relationships. Two of the single woman in their late 30-40's ( I didn't ask their ages), started their list of things that are must haves. They went something like this.
Career oriented
Ambitious
Attractive
Kid in their teens
Nice Dresser
Intelligent
Educated
Emotionally Stable
Their point of view is that they are all of these things and they should not settle. I agree with them that they should do what they want. Its also hard to imagine that their are really that many guys with all those traits that fit the bill in that age demographic. We are talking the about the creme de al creme of men here.
I'm sure these guys are still available but it may take a while to weed them out an even longer to find a mutual match.
This reminds me of a story a persian girl told me about some of the older woman in LA. Apparently, in baby boom generation a lot of persian woman in the area were told to hold off until they found a rich man. Men of lower status would come and go but these woman were not willing to settle until they found their rich man. Well the guy they were waiting for never showed up and now there are a lot of unhappy single persian woman in their 50's.
I'm not sure what the right answer is. I guess its an individual choice. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:41:41 AM | I don't know your criteria to say if you personally are too picky.
IMO being picky and holding out for chemistry are two different things.
In my opinion some people believe picky is coming up with a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, attitudes, and attributes (even subconsciously) that weed out people. You then choose from the acceptable population and hope that chemistry is with someone in that group.
IMO that is limiting and flawed.
In other words it seems that some people do not approach looking for someone based on self knowledge and knowing how they get along with others in any situation, but simply look for others to conform to their standardized ideals of how that other person should be based on current mood, stereotypes, or insecurities and fear. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:42:30 AM | Sometimes "chemistry" takes a little time to build. It's more important to find out about a man's character. Once you find out a man is admirable and respectable, oftentimes all of a sudden, attraction is there, too. Of course, no one is perfect, so in a sense we all need to settle (and someone is settling for us, too!), but you should feel attraction for a man after at least a few dates to continue dating him. But give him a few dates to impress you (unless he reveals terrible character qualities, in which case, don't see him anymore, even if there is "chemistry.")
[yna6: eewww, yucky...] | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:53:41 AM | If you have worked for what you have and have a standard of life why would anyone want anything less!!!! The older the man the bigger the comfort level should be unless once again he is not a MAN and thats not what you want, is it??
I am 26 I try to only date older men within the 2 decade level, not looking for a "sugar daddy" I am very independant, I just believe older men have a better perspective on there life they are done running around (hopefully) and are settle in life. I want a family but, I want to raise my kids not my mate. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:55:14 AM | I believe that attraction must be there from the start, and that chemistry develops as the two of you get to know each other much better or not.
The substance of the individual will enhance your relationship, but that can be a relationship of friends, colleagues, or as a couple. Getting to know someone will help you understand them more, open communications and connection, but if there is no real attraction, that special chemistry will never happen.
I have many friends that I enjoy doing things with, laughing, sharing, and having a great time, but there is no attraction to want to have them as a significant other, or to kiss them passionately, and make love to each other.
We are picky because the ones we are with do not attract us to the point that a real relationship could possibly develop, and that is what the meet was for......to find out if that attraction was there at all.
The rub is when one does feel that attraction, and the other does not......thus the to picky comments and discussion.
Just my opinion.......  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:20:48 AM | In my experience, women that have a huge list of "must-haves" are generally bitter and single.
Women have to accept that REAL LIFE men aren't like the ones in romance novels and on TV/Movies. They won't come riding in on a white horse with their armour shining... more often than not, they will be driving a honda, in a polo shirt and jeans. | |
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IQF
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Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:42:24 AM | Shouldn't you be just picky enough? Let's face it, some people are more attractive than others, get more date offers, more looks etc. Those people should be pickier than the ones who are getting less attention.
If you're getting 100 men messaging you a day, you have to be picky about responding because you can't answer everyone in a meaningful manner. If you get 1 or 2, then maybe being picky isn't such a good idea.
If you're getting 10 date requests a day, then you gotta be real picky. If you get 10 a year, maybe not so much.
Maybe figure out how many "first dates" you want to have a week/month/whatever, and gear your pickiness to that. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:49:44 PM | | I think it says a lot that women get multiple date requests in a day and a guy can go for years without one. Just life, I guess. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:52:27 PM | Being not picky enough means your are leaving yourself open to people who mistake kindness for weakness....
Never settle for something that you have decided is going to work for you in your life.
Wouldn't you rather be right and alone than to be wrong and compromise what is important to you?
Perhaps this man just didn't have too many award winning qualities and is trying to humble people into accepting he's just not perfect instead of fixing himself to fit into a standard in society. Think of it like a guilt trip......
I for one am holding out for chemistry, a great personality, super sex life AND good looking. I know, I know, I'm a trailblazer......... but I really do think it will be worth it. If it doesn't happen, its ok. I got a lot of other stuff going on in my life. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 2:15:06 PM | I think the question is one of "what am i looking for ? "
In your 20's its a father and provider for your children the maternal instinct ,
so good looking, with a job is important, as you get older these values diminish and charactor and "soul mate" tend to take over.
In your thirties and forties you want someone on your intellectual level and that shares the things in life that you want, so if you begin with what do i have and whats missing, then you can get a view of how to make your life more complete.
This is of course a general view and not a total philosophy, take care be happy its a long day being sad xx   | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:28:01 PM | OP: you should have answered that you agree with him, people are too picky and since he's so accepting of people - you'd like to hook him up with your pre-op transvestite neighbour.
Picky? Please! Like he went out with you because he's NOT attracted? Hah!
What's wrong with being selective?
Why WOULD you want to have a mate who doesn't do it for you? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 7:25:47 PM | | love is in the eyes of the beholder. we may think we are picky but somehow we may fall in love with someone who doesn't meet the expectations we met or expected. people say they are picky but in the end they end up with someone who just cheats on them or that their friends don't even like. we also have to look at ourselves before we close the doors on others. in ten years, the people we rejected could look 10 times better than we do and i am not only talking about looks. you might not click at first, but given time, you'll learn to love. you might click at first, but you will not end up extremely excited 'til death you part. we should just be happy that things are okay. you never know when the ordinary becomes extraordinary. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/27/2008 7:56:54 PM | There's nothing wrong with being picky so long as you accept that having no one is a possibility with that method.
In my opinion you need to employ two different methods: Increase your numbers and Eliminate based on deal breakers.
You increase the number of possible matches by improving yourself based on what the opposite sex finds initially attractive. You never change the parts of you that make you who you are, but ego-based traits are easy to compromise on.
Once you're being approached by a larger pool of persons, you can then eliminate based on deal breakers. By first increasing your pool, you don't need to worry about eliminating based on preferences because you'll have enough people to choose from.
I think the problem is that many people are picky without first increasing their pool of possibilities. It leaves them with few if any people to seriously consider. Sure, its better to be alone than with someone you don't want, but there's no reason to stack the deck against yourself. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:01:20 AM | | I am picky, I like a women with class with a wild streak! Good maintance not high maintance. Good feet, all her teeth, and is feminine and does not smoke. I got alot of other rules but I don't need to post them! | |
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ml456
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Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:44:27 PM | | I wouldn't date a man that I have nothing in common with or is completely not my type. But I also wouldn't automatically reject man just because he isn't exactly my ideal type or because there wasn't instant chemistry. The key is to find the proper balance. Have standards that are reasonable and/or somewhat flexible. But not too high or unrealistic. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:47:21 PM | | Whenever I hear, "You're too picky" what I feel they really mean is "You're pickiness is out of proportion based on what I think YOU deserve." So I don't put that much stock in the sentiment. Yes, I'm picky. No, I don't want to date just anyone. No, I don't think I'm being unreasonably picky. And, yes, I'm willing to wait until I meet someone I really get on with. | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 2:15:39 PM | | Some people are too picky. They will have a large list of requirements and / or will reject someone simply because he or she is a little bit shorter, heavier, older, younger etc than their ideal type. People are entitled to have any requirements they want, but they could be turning down someone that could be a great match for them because of very minor reasons. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 2:21:57 PM | | Some people are too picky, and others just not picky enough. Everyone has a "list" of complete dealbreakers in their "ideal" mate. You have to be able to look at what YOU can offer a relationship, honestly and subjectively, and see if that meshes well with what it is you think you desire. I'd encourage everyone to randomly make a mental update of the things that have on their "list", just to make sure you aren't going completely overboard. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 2:35:17 PM | | The biggest dealbreaker for me is education. I have a Masters and am pursuing a PhD. He has to have the same. Do I get a cookie? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 3:11:34 PM | I think it all depends on the person doing the picking. I'm going to borrow a quote "To find Ms. Right, you must first become Mr. Right."
Far too often, we have men and women that seek gorgeous, rich, healthy, educated, kind, sexy, goal-oriented mates, but do not possess these traits themselves! Sure, you can be picky, but how realistic is for you to seek such a person? If you become the person that your potential mate would want to date in the first place, then it makes more sense to become more selective. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 3:27:03 PM |
Far too often, we have men and women that seek gorgeous, rich, healthy, educated, kind, sexy, goal-oriented mates, but do not possess these traits themselves! Sure, you can be picky, but how realistic is for you to seek such a person? If you become the person that your potential mate would want to date in the first place, then it makes more sense to become more selective.
*ding ding ding*
I like smart, nerdy, funny, well-educated guys. Because, well, I'm smart, nerdy, funny and well-educated. I think a lot of people demand qualities in potential mates they themselves do not possess. I notice this with my friends who are always trying to score rich men, when they come from more modest homes. My suggestion is always to become a RICH woman, which theoretically (if my Sociology 101 hasn't failed me) would place them in the position of finding and attracting those mates. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 4:08:30 PM | [ I notice this with my friends who are always trying to score rich men, when they come from more modest homes. My suggestion is always to become a RICH woman, which theoretically (if my Sociology 101 hasn't failed me) would place them in the position of finding and attracting those mates. ]
snarkysmachine,
I like your style. I have a graduate degree MS in Real Estate. In my field there is no reason to get a PHD unless you want to teach.
I've found this quite a bit with women I date. I feel this pressure that I need to be rich to date them but many of these woman come from modest backgrounds. Many don't have educations or careers. Sometimes I wonder why they expect so much out of men when they aren't able to do it themselves. I make a good living but at times the expectations that these woman have seem unreasonable.
I had one girl tell me that $200k a year was not a lot of money. She was making $35k as a promotional model and event co-ordinator. I was thinking, do you even know what it takes to make $200k a year. | |
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