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 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 1
Serious vs Not Serious RelationshipPage 1 of 1    
Ok, did a search couldn't find an answer, so here we go.

Can somebody explain to me the whole concept of a serious vs non-serious relationship? Do you go into dating somebody with the idea of having one kind of a relationship or another? I seriously don't understand the whole concept. Here is how I see it and how I approach it. Every relationship in the beginning is not serious. How can it be unless you decided beforehand that it will be? You are just getting to know each other. To me, it takes many months of seeing each other before you know how serious it is going to be. It either happens or it doesn't.

On the other hand, if you aren't even open to the possibility that seeing this particular person could potentially lead to something serious... why bother? Boredome? Needy-ness? Inability to entertain yourself or being by yourself? Regular sex? To be honest, I'm much better off being alone than trying to fit somebody else into my life and schedule if that somebody else is just there for the time being.

So, when after a couple of seeing each other a girl tells you "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", I just don't understand where this comes from... hell, I'm not ready for a serious relationship after a couple of months either and as far as I remember we have never even talked about this being serious... Unless, of course, it is a form of "it's not you, it's me", then I get it.

Ok, I'm going back to my personal Excel hell.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
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Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:56:32 AM

Ok, did a search couldn't find an answer, so here we go.

Can somebody explain to me the whole concept of a serious vs non-serious relationship? Do you go into dating somebody with the idea of having one kind of a relationship or another? I seriously don't understand the whole concept. Here is how I see it and how I approach it. Every relationship in the beginning is not serious. How can it be unless you decided beforehand that it will be? You are just getting to know each other. To me, it takes many months of seeing each other before you know how serious it is going to be. It either happens or it doesn't.

I don't even go into dating with the idea of dating. If I like someone and like being around them, I don't NOT hang around them. What comes from that comes from that. I have no goals...I think to do so severely limits the enjoyment of the here and now. So it's almost impossible for me to look at anything seriously until I get to the point where I feel it could be. That's at least 6 months down the road if not a year.

On the other hand, if you aren't even open to the possibility that seeing this particular person could potentially lead to something serious... why bother? Boredome? Needy-ness? Inability to entertain yourself or being by yourself? Regular sex? To be honest, I'm much better off being alone than trying to fit somebody else into my life and schedule if that somebody else is just there for the time being.

Some people don't care if it becomes serious, but will back off if they feel the other person is trying to get it to go in that direction. Unless they want the same thing at that time, it's gonna be uncomfortable. For me the only reason I would see someone regularly I didn't want to end up serious with would be we have fun together, and perhaps regular sex, but beyond that if it ain't broke, why fix it? Sometimes there's such a finality to the serious thing, it just seems to change everything - tho it may be due to being with the wrong person to begin with.

So, when after a couple of seeing each other a girl tells you "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", I just don't understand where this comes from... hell, I'm not ready for a serious relationship after a couple of months either and as far as I remember we have never even talked about this being serious... Unless, of course, it is a form of "it's not you, it's me", then I get it.

I don't know, perhaps it's that she feels that you may be wanting that or hoping for that at the time - something you said or did caused her to think that was what was on your mind even tho it wasn't discussed? It doesn't mean it's impossible tho - literally it means at that time she's not ready but could be down the line. Either that or she's telling you it's not a possibility ever but dancing around it...it could even be something you said/did that triggered a memory of something from her past that made her feel the need to clarify. Who knows...
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 3
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:06:04 AM
doesn't it depend on the person? i mean some people are looking for a serious screwing and that's where "serious" starts and ends. i agree with you though that every relationship in the beginning is not serious. for some people "many months of seeing each other before you know" is the appropriate and sane way to go. other people are in a hurry, or my guess is that maybe they're misguided and seek personal fulfillment through their intimate relationships with others, and sincerely believe they have found the much-touted "One" after only 3 weeks of meeting for drinks, dinner and movies.

on the other hand, some people don't want a serious relationship and aren't very interested in whatever the longer-term potential might be one way or the other. this is a big generalization on my part, but i would guess most people in this category are 20-somethings. the 40-somethings or 50-somethings are generally more content to be alone, if necessary, and live their lives on less impetuous terms.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 4
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:08:24 AM
Hmmm, it does sound like those ladies you mention might be using it as a bit of an excuse. Maybe they think you're settling in to a rut and the romance is dwindling. Or maybe you're moving too fast for what they want.

I do have my own personal definitions of serious v non-serious relationships though. The examples are insufficient really, but you get the idea;

When I first split from my kids' Dad, there was no way I would have settled back down with the first person I came across. What I wanted from a relationship was companionship, fun, physical closeness and more fun! I was inexperienced and wanted to feel more confident about relationships. As such, I didn't worry so much about how immature a guy was and whether I thought we would want the same things from life over time, I was more concerned that he should be attractive and funny and was likely to want to take me for fun, loud nights out. If I found someone at that stage that was right for me I dont think I'd have known it and if I suspected it then it would have freaked me out and I would have worried that I wasn't fit for it.

Now I dont need distraction from the issues that were swimming around my head then, and Im thinking more along the lines of wanting to find someone with whom we are likely to get on and enjoy each other's company without needing to go out and spend money, someone who I can talk with about the mushy stuff and get over disagreements with and find compromises. It doesn't really matter so much what he looks like and I actually prefer it if he doesn't want to be clubbing every weekend.

In a non-serious relationship you choose with different criteria and you dont invest emotion any more than you can help it if at all. Its all about enjoying the moment.

In a serious relationship, you still want to enjoy the moment, but you're willing to give a bit more of yourself, invest more emotion and confide a bit more to really get to know each other.

You weigh up whether you think that when you're skint and the world falls around your ears you would be able to support each other or just fight about it. Whether in years to come when you're home from work and there's a meal to cook, housework to do, no energy or money to do anything special... again, and nothing good on the tv, the other person is just going to be irritating or if their company will make everything not so bad and you will still want to make the effort to be good company for them.
 Bellydanza
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 5
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:14:21 AM
Sounds like an excuse. Sort of ''I like you as a friend but nothing more''. Perhaps they are looking into someone they like more than you. Or it's just their way of saying. "I like being with you now, but in the future, I'll be looking elsewhere." Or "If someone better comes along I'll be gone, so don't be surprised''.
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 6
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:27:13 AM
OP: "Can somebody explain to me the whole concept of a serious vs non-serious relationship? Do you go into dating somebody with the idea of having one kind of a relationship or another? I seriously don't understand the whole concept. Here is how I see it and how I approach it. Every relationship in the beginning is not serious. How can it be unless you decided beforehand that it will be? You are just getting to know each other. To me, it takes many months of seeing each other before you know how serious it is going to be. It either happens or it doesn't."

When I meet someone for the first time, I don't have any expectations other than having a good time. If we hit it off and we enjoy each other's company, then more dates will follow. After we have shared good times together and I like the person they are and there seems to be potential for more I go with the flow. I try not to rush into things, as I rather them happen naturally w/o any pressures on us both.

I don't date out of "boredom", "neediness" much less for sex. I date with the hopes of some day meeting someone that will complement my personality/life (and vice versa).

I believe when someone uses the "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" - they are not "feeling" you in a romantic way. Because I doubt if that person did whether this is a good time in your life or not you would not allow this person to escape you.


 JasonGrimm
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 7
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 8:55:01 AM
I agree with raiderfan18. It's usually an excuse. My guy friends who breakup with hot girls, tell them that and when I ask them what the deal is, they tell me they are looking for a perfect girl. Of course their is no perfect girl. One told me he has one that looks hot but can't cook so to eat he goes to the one that can cook lol. He says he will settle down when he finds the perfect one.

Me, I'm fine with one girl. She doesn't have to be perfect. Just a nice person and cute on the inside as well outside.

Sometimes people might have come out of a bad relationship and still have feelings for the other person so they may say that. But either way I see this said more often as an excuse then an honest answer. They don't want to hurt someones feelings by saying what the real reason is.
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 8
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:13:55 AM


Sounds like an excuse. Sort of ''I like you as a friend but nothing more''. Perhaps they are looking into someone they like more than you. Or it's just their way of saying. "I like being with you now, but in the future, I'll be looking elsewhere." Or "If someone better comes along I'll be gone, so don't be surprised''.


The one I'm talking about went from being really (and I mean REALLY) into me to "not looking for a serious relationship" in a span of about a week.

She started dating somebody else a couple of months later, whatever floats her boat, but (and don't take it as me being all stuck up and having to high of an opinion about myself) from what I know about him, "someone better" he is not. Her sister lovingly refers to him as "a slacker and a loser". Hm... maybe a slacker and a loser IS an upgrade over me, I don't know

I wish I got hit by a lightning like Mel Gibson in What Women Want
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 9
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:23:00 AM
The more I think about it, I think they just didn't see you as the 'one'.

They probably really liked you and couldn't put their finger on a particular thing that was a reason to break up, but didn't think the relationship was right for them.

They didn't feel ready for a serious relationship because they hadn't found their 'prince'. Many women truly believe that he's out there.

Once they'd decided this, then getting closer to each other by carrying on was only going to make it harder and perhaps they didn't want to wait until someone else came along and put them in a spot.

Try not to feel disheartened, they could have kept you hanging around until a potential 'prince' came along but they showed you more respect.

I can think of worse ways of having someone break up with you.

You must be a decent guy for them to have wanted to do the decent thing so I'm sure if there is a prince for them there must be a princess for you out there.
 kthyg
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 10
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Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:27:44 AM
For me, I date because I enjoy the company and the sex. I wasn't dating looking for a permenant partner. It wasn't something I wanted or needed. I wanted friends and lovers rather than anything serious. I enjoy sex and companionship but didn't have any desire to settle down. Of course, when I met the right one (and there is such a thing as perfect for you out there) all of that changed for both of us. Neither of us was looking for a serious relationship but when it was right, it was right.
 Bellydanza
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 11
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:31:47 AM
Well she let you go and a couple of months later was dating the slacker. There may be no connection there at all. But once she let you go, do you think you would have taken her back anyways?

This has happened to me a few times. Guy didn't want to get serious with me, then when I tell them goodbye, they go and find out the grass isn't so much greener and try to come back to me, and frankly I'm not having it. I've moved on.
 Smart Lass
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 12
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:43:38 AM
I was considering changing my profile from LTR to dating, but quite honestly, that would be dishonest on my part because I am indeed in search of an LTR. On the other hand, how do you get to the LTR without dating? Don't most people know the kind of "relationship" they are looking for? The real quest is finding the person to have the desired relationship with. I would not be so inclined to contact someone who had "dating" on their profile, because for me, that says we are looking for different things.

It is just within the last month or so that I have really put myself back into the world of "dating" and I have gotten a lot of favorable responses. Only this time I did something different, I tried to cast my net just a little wider than what my heart desires and you know what? BIG MISTAKE.

In one case, I spoke with a man from another site and he was nice enough but I could just tell we weren't a match, but I thought OK, Miss Picky McPicker, sleep on it. The next day this man called my cell phone (4 times) and sent me 6 emails. That night I called him and I told him, I just didn't think we were a good match, he asked me why I told him probably the biggest reason of all was he was a smoker, he said what if I don't smoke around you, I said it doesn't matter because although smoking was probably the biggest reason it was not the only reason. He pushed for a few more details and I told him and then he got offended. He got offened because I told him the truth. The truth consistenting of reasons why he and I would not make a good match, based on my personality and his. So it was not so much a case of "it's not you, it's me" more of a case of "it's you and me together" that is not a good idea.

I said this in another thread yesterday. Twice in my life I have found what I was looking for. Although the relationships were different, there were certain fundamental components that existed in both relationships, things that must be there for me. I can't date just to date for a couple of reasons. I don't have that kind of time and I don't have that kind of patience and I know from when I was first divorced and "dated" I am just not that person.

I think a lot of people keep "Mr. or Ms. Almost Right" around while they continue to look for "Mr. or Ms. Right" and call it dating. To me, that sort of seems like using people because how long does it take to really know if someone has potential? For me, it's one phone call. If I just know it not right, I am not going to waste your time and I am not going to waste mine. Some people might think I don't give them enough of a chance, but the truth of the matter is this, if I know it won't work even if it is after one phone call and I tell you, why would you get offended? Let's say the "getting to know you" process lasts a little longer and suddenly one of us finds something about the other that is a deal breaker, regardless of what else we bring to the table. When this has happened to me, I will tell you immediately and I will be on my way. Why don't you just respect the fact that I don't want to waste your time. I know what I am looking for in terms of a relationship and in terms of the person to be in that relationship with.

OP, I think a lot of the confusion comes when people don't know what or who they are looking for, they are just wading through the murky pond, hoping it will find them. But if someone finds you, how do you know that person or that relationship is right for you if you didn't know what you were looking for in the first place? Maybe you don't have to have a stringent criteria of what you are looking for, but I do think you have to know what you are open to participating in, that way if you are wading in the water and it does just find you at least they have a shot at making it work because you were open to it to begin with.
 pnayplayr
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 13
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:16:40 AM
hahahaha...i've asked this question to people a billion times! when a guy approach me and i say, "i'm taken", half the time they will ask, "is it serious?" come on! i either say "i'm taken", or i don't right? if i'm not serious, then why even bring up the fact that i have someone?
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 14
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 3:57:46 PM
^^

Because if you're "not serious" then they figure they'll try to get a little play.
 Fratguy388
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 15
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Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:30:45 PM
nonserious dating is non-exclusive.
serious dating is exclusive.
if some woman tells you that "I don't want to be serious right now", she doesn't want to be exclusive, simple as that. She want to have sex with you without being tied down.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 16
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/5/2008 11:34:26 PM
'she wants to have sex with you without being tied down'

How on earth can you tell that?
Maybe she'd love to be tied down, maybe blindfolded...

Lol.
 TheDoctor88
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 17
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Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/6/2008 9:16:34 AM
Why so serious?


Just relax and let the chemistry do all the complicated stuff.

If you take it too seriously on first dates, you'd push yourself too hard and might scare the blubbering hell out of her .

Time will tell you in your heart if she's the chosen one.
 SweetnSassyNatureLover
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 18
Serious vs Not Serious Relationship
Posted: 8/6/2008 6:42:45 PM
Oh wow, I am surprised that this thread was started by a guy - isn't this what girls usually complain about?

OP guy or not, glad you started this because it applies to both genders. I am wondering where to find the "Dating for Dummies Handbook" thread. I think I need it because I am clueless, another thread was all about that 3 day rule.

Anyway OP goodluck!
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