| He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/24/2004 8:20:44 PM | | I have been dating a guy for a year and we have the perfect relationship on the surface. We laugh at all the same things and have tons of similar interests but I am ending the relationship because he doesn't act like he is attracted to me. We have had sex less than 10 times the whole time we have been dating. Other than that, he doesn't ever kiss me passionately or look at me while i'm getting dressed or just out of the shower. He has never really looked at me like a sex object. I always thought that at least in the beginning of a relationship people were so excited about the newness of everything and falling in love that they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Am I wrong, do I have unrealistic expectations? All I know is what I have experienced in my past relationships and it is nothing like this. It seems we have never had any passion. It has been driving me crazy for months, you guys don't understand that women need sex too! I'm dying for some attention, it's really very sad. I have cried myself to sleep many nights. He doesn't even look at me.... | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/24/2004 8:34:02 PM | Sarah...I saw the most interesting program on Oprah one day this week. Advice from a male about how they feel and why they do what they do. If your friend is treating you like this, he is "just not into you." that is what he said. You will know it if someone really likes you and you like them by the way they treat you. You cannot make someone like you and you really wouldn't want to would you.? I think he likes you but not like you think he should....
Sorry Sarah, but I think you need to end it! | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/24/2004 8:41:47 PM | Funny enough, I have a friend who's in a very similar situation. Only she's stuck with the guy. She's been with him for over 2 years, but he's become very distant and never wants to talk about anything remotely emotional. Because she's in nursing school, she can't get a job and get out on her own because just school itself takes up all of her time.
Anyway, here's the thing - if you've told him how you feel and he's still treating you like that, then you have every right to move on and find someone who will make you happy. You are a very attractive woman and you seem intelligent as well. You deserve to have someone who will treat you the way you expect to be treated. The right person will be a friend as much as a lover. It sounds like you have the friend part, but he doesn't know how to be the kind of lover you need.
If you haven't discussed this with him, I'd suggest doing that first. Maybe he just doesn't realize what he's doing and will change once he knows. If you have, I'd say it's time to move on. If even after you tell him you'll leave if you don't get what you need he still doesn't see a need to change, he isn't the man you need to be with. | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 7:15:22 AM | Maybe this will offend the guys but I would consider that this man might be gay. I had a boss who was married to a man who rarely ever touched her. They were great friends and enjoyed each other's company ,.. they ended up getting married even though her family had told her they thought he was gay (we all thought he was at least bisexual.) She couldn't bring herself to ask him and would always deny it. Then one night she had a bit to drink and told us all how he hadn't had sex with her in like 2 years. He would bring their daughter (I think about 4) into bed and put her between them.
There are a lot of gay men who will get a girlfriend or wife to 'cover' their true sexuality. Don't blame yourself. This may not be the case but I would consider it.
silken | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 10:52:41 AM | | it is possible this guy is very into you. but has some deep seated issues with premarital sex or maybe he was abused , who knows? some guys find it hard to be intimate because its been drummed into there head a man should be strong and silent, and not to show emotion...as it might be viewed as a weakness. whatever the case, you should sit down and discuss your intentions of leaving him and why...maybe then he will open up to why he's been holding back. good luck to you | |
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99
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Joined: 2/28/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 11:22:46 AM | I agree with silken here. Someone I know dated a guy exactly like that, he had every excuse
in the book not to have sex, turns out he was a crossdresser, and I'm sure it went deeper
than that. Beware! | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 11:35:57 AM | i'm sure that's more an exception then a role. why does a women think because a guy is'nt sensitive and dos'nt open up he is automatically gay?...please
hey if he crys everytime barbara striesand sings and prefers pink wallpaper in the bathroom and loves to go to the ice capades...then you pretty much can assume he is gay | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 1:31:25 PM | >>>>>>>>>>some guys find it hard to be intimate because its been drummed into there head a man should be strong and silent, and not to show emotion...as it might be viewed as a weakness.<<<<<<<
I think you have a point there. Why have we always thought a man is weak because he has emotions? I think we all have the same feelings and should be able to express them without being judged. I don't think a man is weak at all for showing his heart warming side, I admire a man that can show a few tears. Strong and silent should never be an issue.
Your right, maybe a good set down, one on one conversation would be the best.... | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 4:12:33 PM | | We have had about a dozen conversations about this and everytime he says the same thing "I know I have a problem, I just don't know what it is but I'm starting to feel more sexual and I swear things are about to change" and so I wait and there is no change. He even told me to stop talking about it for a while, because he thought we were putting too much emphasis on the problem, which I agreed might be helpful. So I didn't say a word about it for two months and the whole time we only had sex twice. So that didn't work either. I am just curious if there are other men who acted the same way he does, that could maybe tell me what the problem might be. I am almost certain that he isn't gay, I have had a lot of gay friends and I can usually tell if someone is homosexual. He doesn't show any signs of being gay, other than the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with me. Another thing is that most of the times we have had sex we have been drunk, or a little tipsy. This leads me to believe that he has to be drunk in order to have sex with me. I know It isn't a case of me not being attractive enough. I am not a supermodel but I'm not ugly, and I don't want to toot my own horn but I know I'm pretty good in bed too! Toot, toot! All kidding aside, are there any men who aren't gay that have acted this way, and if so what were the reasons? | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 4:32:13 PM | | I knew a few Taurus and they are the most sexual women i ever meet in this life time.How have you made it this far with out getting a lot more than you got?Every Taurus wanted it 3-4 times a day if not more. | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 5:01:04 PM | | perhaps he has sex when he is drunk because he forgets whatever is holding him back, or at least relaxs. Maybe he has self esteem problems with sex? or thinks he has a small penis? Could be someone told him he sucked in bed. You will have to get him to open up and tell you if he wants you two to work out. Like said before, maybe he was raped before, it could be alot of things. | |
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xchuck
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Joined: 6/11/2004
Msg: 12 | |
| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 5:17:23 PM | | another think i'd like to bring up......men sometimes hold back sex when they are angry with you OR feel like YOU are the dominant one in the relationship, this may be his way of gaining control or getting back at you. Are you the one who's got it more together finacially and emotionally then him?....Do you wear the pants in the relationship......do you make him feel inadequate?.....examine how you treat him and in there you may find the answer. | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/25/2004 5:26:18 PM | I agree, most likely something holds him back and he's more relaxed when he's had a drink.
Maybe you should together go and find professional help?
If you leave him, he might get deeper in his problems and you will go look for a new friend.
But as you've stated, he's is a really good friend, so it might be worthwhile to try to salve the problem. | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/26/2004 3:36:42 PM | | I went to see a therapist to talk about the issue and he asked me if I was educationally superior to this man and if I play the dominant role in the realtionship. I have to say that this is true. I have much more education and a suppose I can be a little bossy at times (can't every woman?) but I never considered that this might be holding him back sexually. I wish I could get into his mind! He doesn't have a small penis (average) so that isn't the problem. But from the beginning of the realtionship he was never really interested in sex, and this was before he knew that I was educationally superior, and it was before I ever began being assertive or bossy towards him. When I say bossy, I don't want you to think that I mean bitchy, just opionionated. I am used to dating me who will see me get out of the shower or getting dressed and they have an erection just looking at me. He doesn't even notice me when I am naked in the same room or even when I put on a sexy nightgown. He just keeps watching television or playing video games. I guess I always thought it was some kind of primal urge that men almost couldn't control when there is a beautiful woman standing naked in front of them. Is it just that I have been dating guys that aren't the norm and this guy is a better representaion of men in general? Help me, this is the best relationship that I have ever had and it's ending as we speak due to this problem! | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/26/2004 3:55:38 PM | >>>>>>>>I guess I always thought it was some kind of primal urge that men almost couldn't control when there is a beautiful woman standing naked in front of them. <<<<<<<<<
You are putting too much value on yourself..(sorry)....you don't want to be around someone that is THAT into sex. I think it would be scary and wouldn't you get terribly bored after awhile???? You are saying, (in other words) you want someone to desire you enough to be mud under your feet. (sorry again) Nope! Life is too short to be all rolled up into one thing....time to find another outlet! | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/26/2004 5:11:55 PM | >>>>>>>>I guess I always thought it was some kind of primal urge that men almost couldn't control when there is a beautiful woman standing naked in front of them. <<<<<<<<<
"You are putting too much value on yourself..(sorry)....you don't want to be around someone that is THAT into sex. I think it would be scary and wouldn't you get terribly bored after awhile???? You are saying, (in other words) you want someone to desire you enough to be mud under your feet. (sorry again) Nope! Life is too short to be all rolled up into one thing....time to find another outlet!"
I have always heard that if there is a half naked woman in front of a man, their attention would be on that if they were a average healthy man. I dont think she is putting too much value on herself, she has lots of confidence and that is wonderful! | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/26/2004 6:48:08 PM | | Thank you maiden, I agree with you. I don't think that the woman who made those comments really understands what it feels like to seem invisible to someone who is supposed to love me in every way a man should. I am not puttin too much value on myself, I just want to have my boyfrien show some interest. I don't think that is a flaw in my character to want something so simple. He has admitted himself that he knows he has a problem. Neither of us knows what that problem is. Maybe he does and is too ashamed to admit it to me, but I don't want to waste my time in an unfulfilling relationship. I dfon't want him to waste his time either. I do love and care about this man, but everyone needs to be looked at and touched--it's an important part of a relationship to show affection. I'm at a loss on what to do, I don't want to lose what could be the best thing in my life but i'm scared of getting married and being unfulfilled to the point of cheating. I have been having dreams of sex with other men, and fantasies of sex with other men. This is strange for me because I am not a promiscuous woman and the reality of cheating scares me. I don't think I would ever really do it, but everyone needs to feel wanted. It's a primal human emotion to want to be touched. He doesn't even notice that I am in the room sometimes. Do you know how it feels to get showered, fix your hair, put perfume and make-up on and work so hard to look as beautiful as I can just to have him look around me to see the television. | |
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silken
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Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 22 | |
| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/27/2004 8:34:50 AM | Sarah, I agree with you on the point of being naked in front of this man with no reaction.. .that's a little unusual. I'm not saying it should mean an automatic erection for every man but usually they at least are enjoying an eyeful. ;)
silken | |
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xchuck
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Joined: 6/11/2004
Msg: 23 | |
| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/27/2004 9:26:36 AM | | well if you tried everything and this man refuses to see a therapist....and dos'nt show you any hint that he is attracted towards you...this man is more then likely using you for one reason or another, so get out quick..because men and women do need at least a little affection once in awhile and if he's not seeking you for it....where is he getting it from? even if thats not the case, he obviously dos'nt care enough about you to do anything about it, i'm sure you'll find somebody more then willing to help you out in this area..good luck to you | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/27/2004 11:49:41 AM | | I agree with chuck. As much as you may love him, if you aren't happy with the realtionship and he's unwilling to do anything about it, it's time to move on and find someone who will make you happy. Relationships aren't 100% good times, of course, but it sounds to me, your level of happiness is highly affected by his unwillingness to be intimate. While I'll admit to not understanding his stance at all, I do understand yours. You need someone who will express their love for you in a way that you will understand and he doesn't care to learn how to do that. Makes me wonder just how much he cares about you if he isn't willing to do whatever's necessary to make you happy (within reason, which this definitely is). | |
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| Re: He has never been interested in getting intimate...
Posted: 9/27/2004 12:35:46 PM | | I as a male see a naked woman my motor goes into overdrive!I may be 50 but all parts work and no woman is so dominering that a man will either bark or leave.The problem lies with him and if he does not open up and confess his short commings say so long.Never look back.I know you are serious about finding someone,you would not question or be seeking better. | |
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