| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:02:58 AM | I met my ex boyfriend a year and 6 months ago. After a month we started dating and a month after that we started a steady relationship. In the beginning, everything was beautiful. We shared time together, we laughed together, I met his family and they all loved me. After a couple of months, everything changed. I felt our relationship was not the same because he wouldn't call me, wouldn't want to hang out with me, wouldn't want to see me and stopped saying to me "I love you." I began speaking to him and telling him what was wrong with us and he would say that he was to busy to be on the phone (which before he used to talk to me all the time even if he was busy). I began searching on his myspace and I found out that he was talking to another woman (younger than me) ( I never knew if he met her or not). He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him.
After that, we began arguing almost everyday because I would tell him "i miss you" and he would get upset, when I used to go see him (we would see once every three months) he used to complain that we had sex every time and when our sex was the same every time I used to tell him to check the adult store or if he wanted to watch adult videos or to go to store to buy sexy lingerie, he would say to me that he is to busy and that to go by myself.
He would also put me down in front of his family telling me that "i was a baby" and that I was a Freak, and that I was always dressing like a slut.
Even thought, he treated me like this, I kept holding on because I really loved him. I dont explain how I loved him after all he did. I cooked for him, I massaged him after work, I would satisfy him sexually, and I would always listen to him eventhought he barely touched me during sex. It was just plain sex and he wouldnt aroused me, he wouldnt touch me at all. At the end, last month, I was arguing with him because I wanted to go out with him but all he does was go out with his female cousine but when I asked him to go out with me, he would say that he is too busy. I received a text after that argument and he wrote to me this:
"We are arguing too much and I cant take this anymore. I am just not the man for you. I just realized it"
My question is: after a year and 5 months of a relationship, he decided to realize that he is not the man for me? And I called him the whole day that day and he wasnt man enough to call or speak to me face to face. I still love him but I am hurt at the fact that he left me just like that without caring about me. and he hasnt even call me. How do I move on? | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:09:21 AM | I can answer this with experience.
the way you move on is to find somethign to do, that does not have anything to do with dating.
Until the hurt of him leaving or not wanting to move forward to you is gone, then dating will not ease it. I am not meaning to not hang out with friends or do things with people, but keep it on the social level of friendship. They will help you move on.
The feeling of not being in control of the situation is what hurts the most. He left you, he made the decision. He wont call back. That is a horrible feeling, I felt the same way when it happened to me. I really started thinking about it, and saw that it was the lack of any control over the situation that upset me the most. I thought about how they treated me, and it was horrible, and it sounds that way in your case as well. He is not and was not nice to you. or respected you thoughts or feelings about things, so if you were in control, would you stay with him. OR is it that you were not given that option, the man that was the bad person in the relationship had that power. and that is why it hurts?
I hope I helped, if not, good luck. Either way, you must use your friends to help you move on
Mike | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:09:34 AM | | You move on my picking your flattened self off of the floor with a spatula. You move on my realizing you can't make someone love you. You have to be there for yourself and see your self-worth. This man of whom you speak is inexperienced and immature. Both of you dragged on this relationship way, way, way too far. You need time for yourself now. Do you have any friends? Call someone and go out into the busy world and be with the people. Go to a museum, an art exhibit, a movie, for coffee. Just don't stay home and wait for him to call and do not under any circumstances call him either. It is over. You need to face that fact and that is exactly how you will move on sister. Peace and Love. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:11:02 AM | You realize that you sayed in this relationship for a year longer than you should have, and the love you feel isn't for him, it's for an idealized version you hold for the way he used to be when the two of you started dating.
He hasn't wanted to be with you for at least a year, and finally got up the balls to actually tell you. Realize this, and it will make your transition a lot easier. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:13:01 AM | Greyfeld has it right.
You continued to push the river. It's time to stop--realize that you invited him into your life for a reason, own your actions, learn the lesson, and move on up the mountain. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:20:36 AM | Firstly, I think you know what a one sided relationship this was and how he was basically abusive to you and you lapped it up. Sorry to be so rude about it, but I want it to be absolutely clear to you. He had no respect for you and no one can love a person we dont even respect. You wasted over a year on a relationship that had gone wrong already. It doesn't mean its your fault or you're a worse person for it, but you do owe yourself more.
Think about this, realise how you need to mourn your mistake more than your loss. But dont do it in a way that makes you feel worse about yourself, we all make these mistakes and we just have to steel ourselves and be stronger for it. Think back and see where it started going wrong and where you could have avoided trouble, think how you will do better for yourself next time around.
Before you have a 'next time around' wait until you're happy enough on your own and feel ready to put in place the changes you need as discussed above.
In the meantime, lose yourself in your career, family and friends that could use your support right now, anything that involves a feel good factor and will distract you.
Good luck and take care.
Sam
x | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:20:51 AM | | It sounds like you had no relationship at all, just a couple of months of someone being interested in you then he lost interest but you hung on for a few more months. A relationship for me would require a lot more time and knowledge about a person and certainly a whole bunch more of his respect and attention. This was just a short involvement for him then he moved on, the more you stop wallowing in it and see him for the disrespectful person he is, you will see you didn't lose anything and be able to move on and hopefully have more respect for yourself and not allow disrespect from others. It's your choice, he's lost interest, you are not required to dwell on it. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:37:42 AM | It's better to see him for who he is now, then later on.
You opened your heart up, this rooted more deeper when he said that he loved you. You are better off knowing now, and following your gut when your relationship starts to slide. Plus since he is a verbal abuser, you are better off not knowing him at all. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:55:28 AM | | Thank you all for your time and dedication in replying to this topic. I guess all of you have a point that I was blind to see. The problem is I am always to busy with work and school and I have no friends to talk to. I am battling all of this on my own. Thanks so much for your support. It means alot to me | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 2:34:28 PM | | It is so difficult to finally realize and to then accept the truth. If the other partner is honest these bad relationships would not hang on. But that is the problem usually the other is not honest and lets the situation drag on and on while we are hoping that things will eventually improve – but it never does no matter how long you wait, and whatever you do to try to make yourself more acceptable. You must move on. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 2:42:50 PM | | Thanks. Ill keep that in my head. I just don't believe all the things I did for him and how much I held on to. I really put myself down just for a hope. If I knew this was gonna end like this, I would had ended a long time ago. But how do I move on when I have no friends. all my friends are far away and I barely go out because of it. what are some ways of meeting friends and going out? | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 3:27:25 PM |
You realize that you sayed in this relationship for a year longer than you should have, and the love you feel isn't for him, it's for an idealized version you hold for the way he used to be when the two of you started dating.
He hasn't wanted to be with you for at least a year, and finally got up the balls to actually tell you. Realize this, and it will make your transition a lot easier.
this is, by and large, the best advice i have ever read.
straight up, no-holds-barred.
nice. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 3:43:13 PM | A way to meet friends is to go to a museum, art exhibit, library, speakeasy and just strike up conversations, if you are shy you can join a club, an art class, dance class, etc.
good luck and don't look back....you are in a better place right now dear one. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 5:35:14 PM |
The problem is I am always to busy with work and school and I have no friends to talk to.
how do I move on when I have no friends. all my friends are far away and I barely go out because of it. what are some ways of meeting friends and going out?
I'd recommend night classes and clubs, and also friend sites which dont focus on dating, there is one called mutual friends, but I dont know if it operates in the US. Also, are there POF singles meets in your area? At things like that you can go alone and not be out of place.
At the beginning of the year I found a really friendly looking pub where I work away and plucked up courage to go in on my own and put money down for a turn to play on the pool table with the regulars. They adopted me in to the crowd immediately, it was really fun, and though it took a lot of courage it gave me a lot of confidence and was a great move... Be brave!
Admittedly they were blokes and at first they just saw me as a potential leg over but I did make a couple of more genuine friendships through it.
I'm struggling with this too, I basically had no social life with my ex, and two years later on I'm still struggling and I've just changed jobs which has caused another set back.
It aint easy, but just be friendly every where you go and dont be afraid to strike up conversation and exchange numbers. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/10/2008 6:07:44 PM | As stupid as it may sound someone could after a year and five months have a lightbulb moment and figure out that the reason you are fighting is because you aren't right for each other which would make him the wrong man for you. Whether he did experience an epiphany or it is a chicken shit excuse to end things, it is correct so accepting it is your first step in moving on.
The way you get over it is to decide that you deserve someone that really loves you and treats you with kindness and respect. When you figure out that you are in love with someone that does not exist, a man that is better than the one you describe, it will also be easier because you are only losing the future you thought you were going to have. Realize that he was a liability, weighing you down, and now you have the ability to soar and create something much better than you would ever have had with him.
You are in school, you can easily have friends by starting up conversations in class, coming into or going out of, and if you have any breaks. I always wound up talking to classmates so the friend thing is pretty easily remedied. If there were things you didn't do because your boyfriend didn't like them, do them now. Volunteer, keep an eye on community events, and you will meet people with similar interests. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:58:45 AM | put one foot in front of the other, and decide that you are going to move on to a great life with or without him. establish some personal goals for yourself, write them down and then get to work on you.
before you know it, you'll be writing him a thank you note for leaving! really. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:08:18 AM | First of all you are only 19 years old and you have a lot to learn about relationships. You are making this out to be some magical ride when in reality almost all relationships start out good. He really never was that into you and I'm sure he had at least spent time with other girls during this time if not more.
You were in love with him but he wasn't in love with you. Actions speak louder than words. He stayed with you because you worshipped the ground he walked on and would do anything and everything to stay with him. He knew that you would always be there for him. This happens all the time and is very common.
The way to get over it is to realize what it really is. He treated you like crap and you took it. Love is action; its kindness and sensitivity and support. He never gave that to you. You are more in love with what you wanted it to be than with him.
What you described, I wonder if he really ever cared about you that much. Once he got the sex from you he really seemed disinterested and acted like he wanted to move on. You would not accept or see the signs. This meant a heck of a lot more to you than it did to him.
Loving someone that treats you like crap just proves what most men and rappers say; you want some women to love you, you treat them like crap. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:14:37 AM | I know that you must feel bad right now but the signs were everyone. From the things you wrote in your post, you saw them too but just chose to ignore them. You decided to be with a man who treated you like crap. You decided that he was good enough for you. To me that is saying that you do not have love for youself. Because if you have love for youself, you get out when someone treats you that way.
But then again, you are just 19 and take this as a learning experience for what to do next time.
Not all men are that way. But remember, words are nice but actions speak louder than words.
~Carrie | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:37:55 AM | reminded me of when the bf and i broke up before.
we were all dandie and dorie, then a 'study buddy' came up. we fought like crazy all the time, and he hung out with this female study buddy' 24/7. he picked her up, dropped her home. they talk on the phone, or msn tons. when i ask him about it, he'll say,"it's about school." i barely saw him and when i had free time, he would be 'too busy studying'. in the end, HE broke up with ME! my friends gave me the look, or blunty said i was stupid. i mean, i loved him soooooo much that i was willing to take it all in...just like you. i didn't care if he mistreated me, as long as i still have him. in the end...HE breaks up with ME! omfg! i was pissed! he said he just needed to man up, and take time to just focus in school. same b.s. like what your man said. after the break-up, i tried to stay being his friend. i wanted to still be there for him in ways that i thought i can. i mean, if you love someone, you will do just about anything to make sure they are ok right? stupid move...cuz him and the 'study buddy' was still closer as ever. it just hurts too much so i decided to stop seeing him. after a month or so, his cousin emailed me saying he's hurting too much and misses me a lot. in the end, he came back to me.
we got back together, then a wk later broke up again. it felt like he was still gaga over the study buddy. after that, i completely just stopped talking to him. sometime in between, his cousin kept emailing me (i've never met/talked to this cousin prior to the break-up). the cousin kept saying how bad the 'ex' was doing. the cousin didn't ask me to go back to the 'ex', but pretty much subtly said if i cared, i'd do somethign about it.
again, i contacted him just to ask how he was doing. from there, we got back to talking again. we became friends with benefits, and then we got back together "officially". (i don't suggest you try that. it was a crazy move on my part thinking the sex would win him back. well, i gotta admit, i really just wanted the sex if anything.) anyways, we got back together, then still had issues in between. that was last year. we've been together for like more than 2 yrs now and i'd say we're stronger as a couple.
my point. you gotta back off of him. give him his space. leave him alone, don't call or text him. if he really cares for you, he'll come back. guys can be suck d1cks, until they realize what they lost. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:16:32 AM | volunteer...think about what interest you and find an organization that needs volunteers...it will keep you thinking about something different and help you to meet people others who have similar interests as yours.
As far as the relationship, you were the only one in it after the first few months...which you said in your own words. If any one was abused..it was you abusing yourself. Wake up and love yourself. The only thing the guy did wrong was to be too lazy to communicate clearly that you weren't right for him...instead he said it in his actions...not touching you...not calling you...not wanting to go out with you. I'm sure he was just wishing you would go away...but you did the opposite..the more he tried to push you away the more you tried to cling to him.
Be thankful that he did clearly state it the last time and stuck to his guns by not taking your calls which would have just continued the same ole thing. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:26:25 AM | Sweet Sugar you were very brave to ask for help and advice. An important first step.
You believe in love and in people and this jerk let you down, but don't lose hope and faith in people and in men, there are good and bad people out here. Recognize the bad and move on from them quickly. Embrace the ones with good hearts, they are tougher to find but worth the effort.
Love yourself and someone will too. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:50:01 PM |
My question is: after a year and 5 months of a relationship, he decided to realize that he is not the man for me? The real question that it would be worth you actually spending some time on is: why did you not realise this long before he did?
I think you so badly want to be loved but think that you aren't very lovable, that somehow you were lucky he cared at all for you and that you didn't deserve better than the way he treated you.
If you don't give this sufficient thought and figure out that (a) it's not loving of you to stay with someone whose behaviour towards you makes them into a tyrant and (b) that you'd never treat anyone the way he treated you, let alone someone you loved and that it's not right for you to accept being treated that way.
The best way for you to move on is to never have any contact with him again and to figure out how it was that you ended up in a relationship with a man who treated you with such little care. Understanding why you made the choices you did will give you the power you need to never end up in a relationship like that again.
Let him go, you can't have a good relationship with this man -- you tried. Hopefully he'll find a happier match with someone else and I'm certain you can. | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/18/2008 1:50:14 AM | there's so much wisdom in what you've said to this girl. i hope she listens and takes your advice.
by the by, no one i ever lived next door to looked like you. too bad... | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:50:21 AM | OP~My heart breaks for you. It really sucks when your heart
has been strung along..like it appears yours has. You are young..
and with age..you will learn to toughen up. My hope for you
is in the future to have enough self respect and not allow ANYONE
to abuse you and talk down to you. With time..your heart will heal.
Take this time to figure out what you are about...go to school..join
something (club..volunteer group..church group..gym..reading group..)
These will take the focus off of your aching heart. Also..keep these
feelings locked in your brain somewhere..so when you feel them again..you
can say "Ahaahaa...this is something that I remember feeling..and then run like
hell !" | |
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| What Should I Do?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:57:13 PM | he left you high and dry ,I guess he thinks he's leaving you for greener pastures. I believe you should commit youself of doing some kind of activity so you can move on with your life. | |
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