| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/10/2008 7:27:13 PM | Do you ever feel guilty for having an only child?
I had my son at 18, I am now 24. I've at least 4-5 years away from being "ready" (married, etc) to have another child. By then, he'll be about 10ish.
At that point, he'll enjoy having a sibling, but it wont be like having a brother or sister to "grow up" with. By the time the kid is really relatable (4-5 years), he'll be a teenager and probably doing his own thing. This makes me feel really guilty sometimes. I feel sad that he is missing out on having a sibling.
Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? What do you do? | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/10/2008 8:04:13 PM | | I completely know what ya mean!!! I had my son at 17, he's 8 yo now. I've felt bad for not having another child while he was younger because I never wanted kids to be that far apart in ages and like you wasn't ready for another one. At times I feel bad because it's just him and I and he doesn't have someone to be a big brother too, but I also look at all we do (travel, baseball games, concerts, etc) and think that if I were to have another one all that would change (not being selfish). My son has cousins on both sides of the family and he interacts especially w/my neice and nephew as if he were a big brother to them. I figure when I get to the point of finding someone to settle down with and the child thing comes up ... if it happens it happens and ya deal with it then. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/10/2008 8:30:29 PM | There is nothing 'to do' about it. Guilt is not a reason for having another child. Guilt does not allow your current child to feel 'good enough'.
Oh, never mind... My head is just spinning around in circles. Don't you have enough guilt in your life... to consider anything related to your child as 'a mistake' that you should feel additional guilt for... Sorry, getting a headache from the guilt trips...
blah... | |
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MizQ
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Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 4 | |
| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/10/2008 9:01:00 PM | It is what it is. From a child's perspective, there are benefits and drawbacks to being an only child, just as their are benefits and drawbacks to having siblings. Life is too short to wander around and feel guilty for something such as this.
Sure, I would like to have another child, if it is in the cards, but I just enjoy what I have now.
Hopefully, you can continue to do the same! | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:12:21 AM | Bringing another child should be for the right reasons, not just for the sake of providing a sibling. if you're in a healthy stable relationship and your finances are stable as well, then that's fine. but to have another baby just for the sake of a sibling is not a good thing to do. perhaps in the future when you're ready, yo ur son willl be happy, he may bee xcited to have a younger sibling if he's a teen, you never know.
Ideally, I'd love to have a nother baby, but not til I'm ready. but I don't feel guilty that my daughter is an only child. I actually love having her to myself, gives me time to have my alone time and be with her. Not to say I don't mind having more kids, but it's nice to have a break to finally just relax rather htan juggle between kids and hearing them fight. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:35:15 AM | | sometimes. i would like another child,but my lil girl is almost 8,i'm 31 and just haven't met anyone i could see myself having a child with.i've also heard the comment that i'd be 'starting over' my childrearing years . i did get lucky in that my lil one has a cousin the same age and my best friends children are 8-11 and are like cousins. she doesn;t want any siblings after hanging out with her friends with little sisters/brothers...lol. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:30:47 AM | My daughter is an only child and I dont want anymore children, but I dont feel guilty about it at all.
The way I see it, I can give my daughter more, than I could if I had more than one child.
Her dad has had another child with someone else though and my daughter see's her half sister regulary. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:28:57 AM | I also have only one daughter, yes she is only 3 but who knows if she will ever have a brother or sister younger then her. At this point I like it just being her and so does she.
Depending on the child sometimes it is better to be an only child, I mean for my daughter right now if I had another baby I am sure she would be pretty upset because right now she get's what ever she wants (yes she is spoiled) and she get's all the time she want's with both mommy and daddy that if another child was in the picture she wouldnt have it all.
She is an attention child where she needs my full attention, If I am holding another baby she get's all bent out of shape and that is for a baby that is not our's, can you imagin what it would be like with a baby around all the time? BUT at the same time she does get the chance to a point on how it is to have siblings because we have a very close family on both my side and her father's and she has cousin's who are older then her who she get's to play the baby sister to, and she has cousin's who are younger then her now who she get's to play big sister to because we are together so much. But at the end of the day they go home and she has mommy and daddy to herself.
Not all times is it a good thing to have a sibling, and I agree it has to be for the right reason's. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:31:38 AM | | I've had it both ways. I was an only child until I was 8, and then my brother showed up on the scene. I left home when he was 10 and missed out on so much of his growing up. He got married 2 yrs ago and is now expecting his first child. I'm kind of excited to watch his life now. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:09:40 AM | I'm 30 and an only child. My best friend's family had 5 kids. Our parents made the exact same amount of money and my friend always thought we were "rich". I know money isn't everything but my friends with 3 or 4 kids - I'll ask them - hey! let's take the kidsto seaworld! or something similar and they can't, too expensive with that many kids.
I'm not saying DONT have more kids if you want to, because you can't take them to seaworld, I'm saying there'sa benefit to both sides. IF you're not ready, you're doing the best possible thing for your kiddo then - because he'd rather have a happy mom and no sibs than a stressed out mom and a little brother.
I'd like to have another someday, but if it doesn't happen, I'm fine with it because I know my boy is content. He asked for a brother but I told him he MIGHT get a sister - that changed his mind quick enough! "Never mind then! no babies!" | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:58:07 AM | | I understand how you feel. My daughter is 2 and I always dreamed of having kids close in age since me and my sisters were. But I am not married and no longer with her father, so I can't do much about it. At times I feel so upset by it, but she has 2 cousins close to her age (3 and 1), so there is no reason to rush for me having more kids. I figure, the future will hold less expenses, like high school, college, etc. I hope to have more kids, but finding a special guy is proving harder than I thought it would be. She will more than likely still be a solid 4 years older than a sibling, but at least we have each other. At the end of the day, I believe what will be will be and all things happen for a reason. | |
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in604
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Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:52:01 PM | its always better to wait,
having many children come with a huge finacial issue .
i always thought i would have 3 or 4 or 5 but seeing myself at a 1st time parent at 25.
and being single parent is hard. i love my son dearly, but my plans are to educate my son with the best i can afford like private school and college and a full time university.... its hard enough being a single mom now its even harder to think that my ex is planing to keep his promise of funding half his school for his 1st born...what about if he or when he re marries ? will his wife want the same for hers kids when he has more childern? then my sons school plans are history! so i have guilt and im not even thinking about more kids ....ever!
whats more important to you ? i dont know your situation but you are young now so just a young have fun dont worry about more kids now :)
if your not a in a bind with money will you kids be doing the second hand thing...what was mine is now yours....how fun....thats just the i was raised and i wont do that to my kid so I work hard, even make my own sacrifices (quit drinking and smoking cigs) lol seriously its been forever and i love being sober ! its working out for the best so far!
All the best in your decision ...
from Lasha in vancouver bc | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 2:11:28 PM | I feel pretty guilty too. my boy is missing out on so much that he'll never know
I think i'm also being punished. I notice the other kids with siblings, their parents get to sit down and take it easy, us parents with just the one kid, we are constant play-friends... but, i also feel much closer to my son than I ever felt to my parents, I just hope he feels the same about me, and isn't pissed at me later in life. I already worry about him later on in life when his mom and dad are gone, then he'll really be alone.... man, that sucks..... i guess I try not to think about it, we each have to live our own lives, the best we can, thats it | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 3:47:10 PM | | Guilt for having one child? Nope - not even once have I ever had this thought. I love my daughter and we are two peas in a pod. She will not have the experience of having a true sibling, but between my family and assorted kids in it, friends, kids who have come into our lives, her school friends, neighbor friends, etc she is completely whole and happy with the life she has. I think sometimes she's happy to be a one and only when she sees other siblings fight so much LOL If you do have another child when your first is older, it will just be a different type of relationship - but they will still be siblings. Guilt should never be part of your thinking regarding this :) | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:27:19 PM | Well...my daughter is 10. At this rate... I doubt she'll get a full brother or sister out of me. It will take a special special special someone to convince me to have his baby this time around.
I often wonder if I'm slighting her...but at the same time I was an only child and I (think) I turned out okay. I have some pretty strong friendships and have friends that are as close as a brother or sister could be. And I didn't have to share my toys or my attention growing up....ha ha.
But I'm working on teaching her the true meaning of friendship and love and hopefully that will get her through life without a biological sibling. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:15:49 PM | | Well, my son will be 10 this year and I still have hopes of having another child. Even though I am not currently dating anyone or anything right now I still believe it could happen. A friend of mine when she was 14 her mom gave birth to to her little brother. So things can still happen. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:07:49 AM | Kids grow best in three's acording to scientists and have the benifit of the sibling to learn socializazion only children are generally spoiled, in china as an example current generation is known as little emperors because of so many only children...
Edit
Point is if you can great good for the children if you can't no worries he she will just get more attention from ma and pa... | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:09:43 AM | | I've always felt guilty for having just the one child ... especially when she started telling me she wanted a baby sister or brother. But, guilt was not enough to have another child (as a single parent). The one saving grace for me is that her 5 cousins are as close to siblings as could be, and hopefully will remain so. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:16:52 AM | I am an only child. I had a lot of friends growing up. It was fine.
My only issue is family reunions are non-existent. Can't meet with the brothers and sisters I don't have. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:14:27 PM | OP...there is a 9 year age difference between my sister and I. And let me tell you....that age difference has a made a huge difference in our relationship. There was very little sibling 'rivalry' and since I was older, I felt really special that I could help out with her.
Now that I'm 25 and she is 16....it has its bonuses. Instead of trying to compete for our parents attention, etc. we are more like best friends. An added bonus on her end is that she has been able to watch me screw up and have to start my life over (not saying that your son will screw his life up) and she's kind of gotten a glimpse of how life can get if you make poor decisions. Two years ago she had to write a paper for school...the topic was who had had the most influence in her life up until that point. She wrote about me.
She makes me proud every day and I'm glad that she is my sister. Sure...maybe when I was little I'd ask when I'd get a brother or sister...but I'm glad that I was a bit older when she was born. It's been quite enjoyable watching her grow up and sometimes I can't believe what a beautiful young lady she has become. Sometimes I still picture her as the little toddler with pig tails in her hair taking my lip stick and coloring on the wall with it. ;)
Trust me...your son will enjoy a sibling when the time is right. An age difference doesn't much matter.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:30:58 AM | Don't you know you're supposed to have a back-up child? Is it fair to make your one child take care of you by her/himself when you're old and drooly? What if your one child turns out to be a loser? Look to your future, people!  | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:35:13 PM |
Don't you know you're supposed to have a back-up child? Is it fair to make your one child take care of you by her/himself when you're old and drooly? What if your one child turns out to be a loser? Look to your future, people!
Well Hell, I best get to propagatin' then!
(Ya slay me woman!) | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:19:40 PM | my son is an only child..he is just 20 and yes i would of liked to have another child but it was not meant to be..i dont feel guilty that my son is an only child he grew up with my niece and there was only a 9 week difference in their ages.. and today they still share that close bond..
so i think guilt should not be a reason to have another child..i'd not of liked my child to be born because i felt guilty..it would of been that i had wanted another child.. | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:43:19 AM | Find other single child familes... be friends with them... trade off the kids... My daughters one friend... her Mom calls for my daughter to come have a Play day when they want to do fun things... and the Mom wants a break... as in.. last week they went to the beach... the Mom didn't want to be the one building sand castles all day.. she wanted to be able to read and relax... so my daughter got invited to go for the day...
I borrow her daughter when we go swimming or to the park... that way I can relax :)
It works out well for us! | |
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| Only child... guilt?
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:10:02 PM | There is a seven year gap between me and the younger of my two older sisters. I dont really think that having them around taught me very much, and Im fairly sure they'd say the same about me.
My ex was adamant that our son had to have a sibling as soon as possible so they were close in age and could be real friends and learn from having to share, blah blah blah.
I dont think they need a sibling to do this, as long as you encourage them to have friends and are willing to include them in your lives by having them over, taking them along on trips etc. A friend is chosen and therefore appreciated in a way that siblings are taken for granted.
My second son has mild learning difficulties. I feel guilt that I think I could have done more to encourage his development than I did, but I let other things get in the way such as my failing relationship with his father & our financial situation, and I was stretched thinner between my sons and stepdaughters than I was strong enough to handle.
However, my Mum has said now and then what a good thing it was that I had another child as I doted over my first so much he could only have turned out spoilt and molly coddled.
You can make mistakes bringing up your kid with just one, and I think two makes it harder.
Giving a sibling should not influence if/when you have children IMHO because what matters more is how well you can provide the time, love and stable happy home. | |
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