| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:26:31 AM | My ex partner & still extremely close friend has terminal cancer, he's 46. He was diagnosed late last year, 3 months after I lost my father to cancer. His health has been relatively good, but in the past 2 weeks has declined rapidly & have just been told he's on his way to hospital now with suspected dehydration & for tests. 6 weeks ago he wanted to get back together & possibly get married. I resisted as he had hurt me badly twice before, the day I FINALLY realised that I still loved him & wanted to be with him, he decided that we should just be friends as he didn't want to put me through the pain of watching him get ill, due to losing my dad not long ago. He has been pushing me away as he feels it will be easier for me not having to see him decline & look after him.
He is aware that this is not what I want & that it's making it extremely hard for me to cope, unfortunately he's a stubborn bugger. I'm not sleeping & am extremely depressed & stressed. I'm due to go interstate in 2 days with a friend for a road trip, we are going to a very remote location that would take me at least 2 days to get home, every fiber of my being is telling me NOT to go, but my ex wants me to & I do need to get away for a bit as I'm losing my mind being here. I'm TERRIFIED that something will happen when I'm away.
What do people think I should do? Stay home or go away? Any suggestions on how to cope? As I said I only lost my Dad a year ago & still haven't grieve for him, I feel like I may not be able to get through this.
Sorry for long post, needed to fully explain situation.
Any thoughts or suggestions will be greatly appreciated xx | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:32:01 AM | This happened to someone I know and I'm very sorry for this. You have to take control though and tell him he can't have it both ways. One minute he pushes you away and treats you bad so you'll move on, the next minute he wants to marry. He's tearing you apart.
You need to tell him this. Tell him you are willing to be with him but if you do, that you are all in. If he doesn't then tell him you will pray for him and hope for the best.
as for the trip, I think you should go away and tell him that you will come back. He has to let you be all in though or all out or you will go crazy.
I'm so sorry for this tragedy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and him. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:49:44 AM | Op,my heart goes out to you,and my thoughts are with you at this truly awful time......
As for whether you should go on your trip,or not,im in 2 minds as to what would be best for you,& guess the only thing i can come up with is that if you go,i dont really think you're going to be able to relax & 'enjoy' yourself (given what you're going through...) .......so.......im tempted to suggest you stay (close at hand.......),coz i think you'd just take your "grief" with you,no matter where you went...............
On the other hand,sounds like you need a bit of a break & a change of scenery, BUT,your heart is going to be home & with your ex.............so.......
Whatever you decide,my thoughts are with you both.....
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:57:06 AM | Thankyou both for your kind thoughts, I agree that I will find it hard to relax while I'm away, my mate & I are going for another mates birthday & to see the birthday boys father who also has terminal cancer! Blimey!
I dont want to ruin it for my friends but I dont want to leave my road trip buddy to drive by hinself | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:12:28 AM | If you went away for those two days......and something happened, and you never got to see him again, or missed saying goodbye, you'll regret it.....
If on the other hand, you stay, and nothing really bad happens.... it's two days more that you got to be around with or for him before he left.......
When in the course of simple math........ I would choose the latter.......... Even if that person were trying to 'push me away', sometimes, you need to push back with equal force because sometimes.....inside....that is what they are wishing you would do ANYWAY...
but that's just me......
It seems to me that wherever you were going for those two days will still be there later, with another chance of going some other time.... this person, however, will not.........
best of luck...... | |
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cjm96
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Joined: 7/31/2008
Msg: 7 | |
| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:13:17 AM | I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis. You said he is terminal, but you don't mention how long the doctors have given him.
Unfortunately, there is probably no one "right" answer to your dilemma.
Is it so terminal that you think he may pass while you are away? If so, will you be able to live with the guilt of not being there to say goodbye? I lost my husband to cancer five years ago, and by the time I realized that he wasn't going to survive, it was too late to say goodbye because he slipped into an almost comatose state. That is one on my biggest regrets.
All I can say is that you have to do what you think is best to make your friend's final days the happiest they can be. But you will also have to be able to feel good after he is gone about whatever decisions you make. If that means allowing him to push you away, then heed his wishes. If you truly believe that he wants you around, but doesn't want you to see his pain, then try to make him understand that it will hurt you more to not be around.
My thoughts are with you. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:31:47 AM | I too feel for you during this time, but you must remember you too need space and a chance to have a life not always centered around someone who is ill.
In the last 10 years my mother has had what seems to be an abundance of health issues, breast cancer being one of them. She's now in recovery and has made it well past the 2 year mark, but it's always something you look for and fear with every checkup.
She was always very good about allowing other family members to not focus just on her. It's hard to explain, I guess you'd have to know what a tough ol' broad my mother can be. It made me aware that life can't stop because someone you love is ill.
Be there, support them, love them, reassure them, but don't forget to take care of yourself too. Sometimes caretakers need to be taken care of.
I think a previous poster was right. Let him know you'll be gone for a few days, but you'll be back. It may be difficult to relax while away, but you need to give yourself the opportunity to try. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:43:03 AM | You have almost repeated my life. My husband passed with cancer, even though he would not speak of passing, he tried to keep me as far away from the suffering as he could, the only thing that I can tell you is to be supportive, caring and take time for yourself as well. I would occasionally take a me day, I could do with it as I pleased, I usually stayed in and cried, once that was over I would be up for the next round. Its difficult to watch as the man you love is slipping away from you. His love for me didn't change nor mine for him. It only reconfirmed the reasons why we were in love, our ability to see through everything from start to finish. Just be there for him, it will be one of the hardest things in the world for you to do, but rewarding as well, it only made me stronger.
You are in my prayers....stay strong. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:54:00 AM | OP-
It will be ten yrs this September that my dad passed away. I was away on vacation when he died and got the call that he was stricken ill at home. Needless to say the entire drive back to Massachusetts I kept praying he was okay and I'd be able to see him at the hospital and all would be well in the world. He died well before I got there and I was devastated-he was a great man and I struggled with the fact I didn't get to say good bye.
Thing is-while going through the grieving process I realised that the last time I did speak to my dad I made a point to tell him I loved him ( it's just something I've always done) and knowing that the last thing I said to him was that helped me to get over the fact that while I never got to say 'goodbye' the last words I shared with him meant far more because my dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me.
Take your trip-but before you go express your feelings to your ex and instead of worrying about saying good bye-relish the good feelings you do have for him-even if things are topsy turvy between you and he. Let him know you do LOVE him despite the cancer-despite his pushing and pulling on your heart strings and all the rest. Ever since my dad died I really never cared to say 'goodbye' to anyone, instead I prefer to say 'cya soon'.
Yes, I miss my dad very much and always will, but knowing I was loved and cared for by such a selfless man has helped me be a better person. I try to celebrate life every day-and even on the days it seems like moving on is so very difficult I do-because I am alive, people love me, and I know my dad would want me too. You have to do what is ultimately best for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:11:16 AM | As hard as all this is, and as much as you won't want to hear this, this whole horrible situation will make you stronger.
Personally, if I were in your position, I would want to spend as much time with him as I could. I watched as my Mother passed, it's not easy. Took too long actually. She was long gone before she actually passed. But, I wouldn't trade that time in for anything (except to have her back).
So, talk with him, spend time with him, remember the good times and maybe even the bad, share some laughs (yes, it's ok to laugh). But, most importantly, just being there brings comfort, as hard as it is, as hard as it will be, it will bring comfort in the long run.
So sorry you have to go through this. Death is hard for the living. There was some comfort for me when my Mom spoke of things she was seeing on the other side, comfort when she was having conversations with others on the other side. I have ZERO doubts there's something better in store for us. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:19:42 AM | Seems to be a bit of confusion happening, I'll try to clear a few things up
He knows I'm meant to be going away, I would be away for at least 10 days, not 2, I'm leaving in 2 and it would take 2 days to drive back, he wants me to go on this trip & has said he would be upset if I didn't & changed my plans beacause of him
I "realised" I loved him again as we have NOT been in a relationship for a year, we have been friends throughout this time & I took a long time to get over him & move on, so when he wanted to get back together I needed to take time to see if my "love" feelings were still there for him.
He will not tell me how long he has as he wants to fight it, his health has declined dramatically in the past week & he's in hospital tonight, I plan to see him tomorrow & ask him how HE feels about me going away, have asked this already of him 4 or 5 times, he will say that he wants me to go & will be upset if I don't.
Williamaus, am I on drugs or something? nice mate really nice. If you have nothing constructive to say or if you cant read my post thoroughly, fcuk off!
My ex knows how I feel about him, he knows I love him & always will, he loves me too, he just doesn't want me to watch him deteriorate as he's a VERY proud man & wants to get better before we can be together again as to not hurt me, unfortunately he probably wont get a lot better.
I really appreciate the advice everyone, just wanted to clear up any confusion XX | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:23:47 AM | | been there done that like 2 give u a hug part of watching the man u love with your life die is accepting the fact when u do, it'll help him to accept it -so important once u commit 2 yourself to stay at his side, no matter whether he lives or dies, hopefully he will sense this and things will be dealt with thru open, honest communication my late husband knew i wouldn't back far away & i didnt i'm so sorry 4 ya'll, bren | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:24:53 AM | Also it's not that I dont want to see him or spend time with him, I want to be with him every minute, as I have said HE thinks that if HE dosnt see me much HE's doing me a favour & making it easier on ME. I have talked this out with him many times over the past week but as I said he's stubborn & thinks hes looking after me.  | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:27:34 AM | OP..tanaks fr clarifying that..I was a bit confused so hadn't responded.
If I were you..ditch the trip..you can do that trip anytime.
You can't be there for someone who is in that situation anytime.
When the time is right you will replan that trip to celebrate his life..in a good and positive way. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:34:42 AM | As hard as it is people that are of failing health have the tendency to down play their illness. The decision to stick by him is yours. Being stubborn is a way of securing that you will not be hurt by him.....you do what you feel is best for both of you. Believe me when I tell you that if you want to be with him through this he will be accepting. Right now he believes he is protecting you and that is honorable....go on your trip, and then when you return do what you feel is right for both of you.
Take care | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:38:45 AM | I think you should stay at home.......When my Mother was ill with cancer (she lived for years with this horrible disease), there were many times that her physician thought that she would not survive much longer. Each time, I was there beside her. For many years this went on. Then, I accepted a position and relocated to Dallas (from New York). From there, I was in daily communication with her and her physician (assisting in managing her health care needs).
The last time that she was hospitalized, I called the physician (who had long ago become a professional and personal friend of mine) and asked him if he thought that I should fly home. He told me "No, I think she will only need to be hospitalized for two or three days". However, I did decide to go home. I arrived on Friday morning and spent the entire day and evening with her, leaving the hospital at 2 a.m. to get some sleep.
I awoke the next morning, took a shower and arrived at the hospital around 7 a.m. I was met when I came off the elevator by a nurse who I previously worked with who said that she had been watching for my arrival. My Mother died 10 minutes before my arrival.
I am so glad that I did not ignore the doctor's position that my mother would have a short hospital stay and then be released. I could never have forgiven myself had I not spent that last day and evening with her. My regret is that I did not spend the entire night with her. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:53:32 AM | I went through the same situation with my father for 18 months before he died, thank god I was with him when he finally passed & was free from pain.
Problem I'm having friends is that HE wont let me sit with him for hours, I had to beg to get him to let me visit him tomorrow. He's the type of person that doesn't want ANYONE around him when he's feeling ill & doesn't want me to see him in this condition. All I've been doing for the past 2 weeks is seeing him when he will let me or sitting at home sleepless & stressed. My mum & friends say I should go away to clear my head as I'm becoming very depressed.
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:04:59 AM | You have to explain to him that being with him right now is something that makes you feel useful & needed. I find men to be more stubborn about being sick then women, they try to keep people at a distance, I have also learned that what they say isn't necessarily what they mean. He wants you to be there but perhaps not for hours at a time. I don't know how far you are from the hospital, but maybe make 2 shorter visits through out the day. Its never easy and I know some of you are going to say that he is within his rights not to have somebody there, but he included her in this situation and can not expect her to change her feelings about it. You have to look after yourself and if it makes you feel better even to sit with him while he sleeps then do it.
Let him know that your time together is precious and that it means everything to you. | |
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| Need some advice on how to cope with the man I love having terminal cancer
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:07:18 AM | With him telling you to stay away I think you should go on the road trip, try and rebuild a bit of strength. You may be glad you did, no matter what happens.
However, I think you need to be honest with the friends you are going with and explain how it might affect you and your behaviour. They're unlikely to say 'well we dont want party poopers thank you', but you'll have given them the option and you might pick up on something in their reply that helps you decide.
His illness has obviously brought you closer, but whilst Im not saying you should avoid this, I think you need to be clear about certain realities, eg Would you be getting in this well if he wasn't ill and continued to live life as he did? Would he be wanting you in his life rather than looking for someone else? Would you trust him and see him the same way?
He is someone you care about a lot, he needs your support and you are happy to give it, that's fine, but try not to let romance make it anything it isnt because you are setting yourself up to feel a lot of pain, and I think what happened to your Dad is possibly contributing to some emotional confusion.
All this sounds very hard, but you can be there for him and still protect yourself a bit and I think you need to try.
Best of wishes to you both.
Sam
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