| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:10:04 AM | that after a 5+ year absence, my ex wants to resume contact. Our child is 7. Dont get me wrong, I believe that every child deserves both parents and I want her to have contact with her dad and I want her to have that relationship, however the way he is going about it is wrong. Yesterday, his brother stopped by. He informed me that he (my ex) wants to resume contact with his daughter and sent him (the brother) to mediate that!! This is the same brother who told me two years ago that he had contact with my ex but wouldnt tell me where he was and that my ex was now on drugs and should be glad he wasnt in our child's life. Now, I understand that people can change and maybe the ex isnt on drugs anymore or an alcoholic. And maybe he is starting to regret leaving his child, but to send his brother and demand I let him see his daughter is cowardly i think and makes me think that he isnt serious about it. He (the ex) wants to just show up one day and take our daughter and I should be okay with it. He is a stranger to her and no way in hell will I allow him just to take her. After about two hours of talking, the way me and his brother left it was that I gave him my cell number and told him to have my ex contact me and we would talk.
I guess my questions are....
WTF is he thinking? Does he really expect me to just hand her over to him?
Legally, can I voice my concerns about the drug and alcohol abuse? The drugs are heresay but I do have firsthand knowledge about the drinking.
How should I go about this? My mind raced a 100 miles a minute yesterday and I was just in shock. I want him in her life, she needs to know her dad, however I feel like his visitation should be phased in, in supervised settings while I am present. I say that I should be there because I am the only parent she knows and I think she would be scared to death to be left with total strangers. I offered to have him come to my house, have a big BBQ and have him interact with her on her turf, where she is comfortable. I also dont think he should show up and say, "hey I'm your dad". I think it should be phased in.
My only concern is my daughter. I dont want her to be hurt again. You dont know how painful it was for Father's Day at school and all her friends brought their dads and she brought her grandpa. And you dont know how painful it was to have her ask why her daddy doesnt love her and why her daddy doesnt want to see her. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:25:12 AM | I have been through basically the same thing.
My daughters father came in when she was 4 after only spending a grand total of mybe 2 hours with her over the course of her life. He had decieded he wanted to exorsize his right to summer visitation. I emediatly called a lawyer to see what I could do. I found out that because we have a court order I could do nothing. however I did make him spend about 2 hours at our house with her before he actually left with her. she is now 10 and he is still not that big a part of her life but she knows him enough to know that she does not really like him that much. My advice is to allow a little time for her to kinda see him and then if he is willing to give you information such as
drivers license number
license plate number of all vehicles she will be traveling in
a cell phone number
home phone number
and a current address for his self as well as a close family member
that way if somthing should happen you have the information you eill need to take action. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:32:19 AM | At least he wants to see her now. That is a step in the right direction, IMO.
However, I can understand your concerns. Do you have concrete evidence that this man is an alcoholic? Was he ever arrested? Abusive? Unable to work? Did he ever go to AA or get some other counseling? If the answer to these questions is no, then you likely have no legal recourse in requiring supervised visits.
Your approach to him is key here. If you come off half-cocked and ask him WTF his problem is, you will get no where. You also can't refuse him visitation unless it you have a ruling by a court. I would gently praise his desire to be reinstated in his daughter's life without any "I told you so's" and then calmly lay out the ground rules.
Perhaps the first few visits should be at your home, but without all the fanfare of a bbq. You could introduce them, see how they get along, then excuse yourself to your room for the duration of the visit. If several of these seem to do her no harm, then proceed to him taking her our for a few hours. Baby steps is what I'm saying.
She doesn't know how to act with a father and he doesn't know how to be a dad. They don't need to be thrown into the deep end before they know how to swim. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:34:00 AM | I talked to my lawyer's secretary this morning and she said that while there is a court order for visitation, it is basically null and void because of her age and how long he has been gone. And if he did take me to court I had other arsenal I could use that he was supposed to do (court ordered) and hasnt complied with. For instance, he is supposed to carry insurance, he is responsible for 40% of all medical costs, he is responsible to provide me with a correct address, phone number, employer's information, etc.
There does say something in the guidelines about parents who are absent for an extended period of time. It basically says that parenting time should/will be phased in. He cannot just show up and demand her. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:43:09 AM | cuteintexas,
I totally agree with the baby steps and that's what I want. I dont want to keep her from him but at the same time I dont want to throw them together. I had mentioned the BBq as a way that their might be less pressure on him and her. He could bring his girlfriend and her kids or his brother and she could have her friends there and my friends across the street. I just figured it would be less stressful. The way his brother just charged into my home and basically said this is how it is and this is how it should be if you want him in her life. I never faltered and kept reinterating that the first few times should be at my home on her turf. I also said I wanted to talk to him before a meeting between him and her took place.
The drug issue I have no first hand knowledge of. I know when he was younger he was arrested for underage drinking and possession and when we were together he liked to drink alot. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:49:12 AM |
WTF is he thinking? Does he really expect me to just hand her over to him?
He wants to see his daughter. To answer your question, answer mine. Do you think he would ever harm your daughter or allow harm to come to her by his negligence? If so, supervise the visits. If not, let him take the kid to a park, movies, etc for a short period.
Legally, can I voice my concerns about the drug and alcohol abuse? The drugs are heresay but I do have firsthand knowledge about the drinking.
I hate to laugh but when does the truth have anything to do with court? I have been to court and provided a mile high of evidence and my ex-wife provides nothing but lip-service. The court listens to her and her lack of evidence.
Drugs and alochol are a show-stopper. Allow the ex to come over and visit at your house. Observe first-hand what is true.
My only concern is my daughter. I dont want her to be hurt again. You dont know how painful it was for Father's Day at school and all her friends brought their dads and she brought her grandpa. And you dont know how painful it was to have her ask why her daddy doesnt love her and why her daddy doesnt want to see her.
Dad does love her. He is simply messed up right now. Your daughter is hurting because she doesn't have contact with her father.
You can help them both. Take your time. I would take baby steps. A suggestion would be making both of them a nice picnic lunch and let them play in your back yard. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:52:06 AM | You are essentially on the right track here...
He doesn't get to come back after being out of the picture completely and disrupt your daughter's life in order to use her as some sort of emotional tampon to soak up all that guilt that's been festering in him for all these years.
She doesn't need to have the bombshell dropped on her that this complete stranger is her father and although she doesn't know him, he will be allowed to carry her away and take her away from everything familiar to her for a period of time. You can't expect her to suddenly trust this guy and it will be traumatic and counterproductive if he just appears.
He needs to do more than express a desire to see his daughter - that's not much commitment on his part, since he hasn't exactly been a paragon of virtue up to this point... Though visitation can't be tied to child support, you can explain to his brother that your ex hasn't had any concern up to this point about your daughter, and that he will need to make things right and show some actual commitment to her upbringing before you're willing to let him come back in to her life. You can't actually say that he needs to pay what he owes you before you let him see his daughter, but you can definitely point out that you are willing to fight to remove his rights to see his daughter if you don't see that level of commitment on his part.
In the end, if he's serious, he'll make things right. If he's just looking to salve his guilt, he will only want to make empty gestures, and it's not in your daughter's best interest to see him again.
As for the "daddy doesn't love me" and "why doesn't daddy want to see me" - you can break that down to her level without downtalking her father. - Explain to her that daddy has some problems that he has to deal with, and that while he has these problems, he's not able to see her. He loves her, but while he's having these problems, he would only wind up hurting her by being around. You can't excuse the behavior, since it's self-inflicted, but you can certainly point out to your daughter that it has absolutely nothing to do with her. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:01:38 AM | First of all, you do your daughter a huge favor by trying to not make judgments about this man. Of course it was cowardly to send his brother but perhaps he felt like he could not just call you and talk to you or even begin with a letter, that it deserved a face-to-face but he doesn't just want to show up and put you in the position of explaining him to your child. That's a good thing even if it didn't occur to him, lol.
On the other hand, he has not been a parent and doesn't think like one so a part of him is probably stupid enough to believe that he can just show up and they will have this wonderful outing....He has no idea that even if your daughter wants to get to know him, there are walls she has or will put up that he will need to help bring down. The kid is not necessarily going to make it easy even if the child desperately wants her dad.
My X has a daughter by his previous girlfriend whom he did not want in his life. He finally met her when she was 10 and she acted as one might expect like a recalcitrant teenager and he decided on the spot she had a bad attitude, he was done. Wtf? You might suggest some e-mail and phone contact and also that he be honest with you about the lifestyle choices he is making before he can even entertain actually seeing his child.
If you think he could still be actively drinking you have absolutely every right to voice your concerns and if he doesn't adequately address them you can tell him that unfortunately he will need to go through the court system so that the authorities can evaluate whether his spending unsupervised time with a child will be dangerous for your child because while you want her to know her dad, it is your job to protect her even if it is from her father.
Visitation should begin with you present because your daughter is likely not going to be comfortable being with a total stranger and she is still fairly young. The bbq thing sounds like a fairly decent plan but I think you should tell your daughter that it is her dad before he arrives, just mention that her dad is coming, give her an opportunity to ask questions of you, etc. but then she can just see what happens after that. You can't really phase in the whole dad thing, what are you going to say, check out the dude in the white shirt, you might want to go have a little one-on-one time with him. She is a kid, she would probably rather eat dirt than talk to strange grown-ups for no apparent reason.
You really need to figure out what you are going to say to this child based on what you have already told her. You don't want her to get her hopes up but you do want her to give him a chance so you need to tell her that grown-ups are just like kids they make mistakes and sometimes they learn from them and sometimes they don't. You need to be honest and make sure she knows that when her dad figures out that being a parent is not always fun, he may disappear again but if she doesn't open her heart, she might miss having any kind of relationship at all.
How you teach her to handle this can have a huge impact on her life. Will she have friendships and romantic relationships with people or will she be too afraid of getting hurt to allow herself to be vulnerable? As long as you give her the tools to cope with whatever happens, while it will be hard for you to watch if things don't turn out well, your daughter will grow and be more equipped to manage her life than if this had not occurred. I know it seems wrong as a parent but children grow from the bad stuff and they are adaptable and have an infiniate capacity for love. You have done a good job, she will be fine, concentrate on her and what you want her to get out of this as well as how to mitigate any pain. You just have to wipe thoughts of dad and his stupidity from your mind.
See how the conversation goes and remember to lead by example, even if she isn't watching. Give him a chance while you protect your child. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:04:25 AM | travel,
"Do you think he would ever harm your daughter or allow harm to come to her by his negligence?"
He did serious harm when he left like he did. No contact, no phone calls, nothing. Do you realize how that messes with a child's mind. I did my best to console her. I didnt tell her the truth but all I told her is that I honestly did not know where he was or why he left.
My point is I want supervised visits until he is comfortable and she is comfortable. If he can demonstrate he will be a responsible parent and that he is dead serious about being her dad, I am all for him taking her for overnight visits or taking her for a couple hours.
If he is not 100% serious or is a flight risk, then he doesnt need to be let back into her life, only to hurt her again. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:11:49 AM | My concern is that people that don't come themselves to talk over important things like ..........lawn maintainance.........and seeing one's daughter....might be in prison somewhere.
Pepsi....it might be time to switch to RC | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:15:18 AM |
My concern is that people that don't come themselves to talk over important things like ..........lawn maintainance.........and seeing one's daughter....might be in prison somewhere.
Pepsi....it might be time to switch to RC
I find it pretty amusing that even when you make no sense whatsoever, your bitter sarcasm still shines right on through.  | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:20:23 AM |
He did serious harm when he left like he did. No contact, no phone calls, nothing.
I was talking about physical harm. The emotional part sucks. In a perfect world you three would still be together and living a fairy tale life.
In the meantime, allow the supervised visits at your house or at a park. Think picnic. Join them and provide a nice lunch. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:24:20 AM | | sorry rhino....I didn't mean to harm your delicate sensibilities ...esp. if you have done time in one of our nationwide big houses.....my concern is more focused on the child and a father that all but abandoned her, and is so gutless now that he sends an emmissary to negotiate some visitation deal for him....I'd be impressed if it was from a lawyer, not so much when it is a family member that might tend to overlook "errors" in judgement...like prison sentences. In your world perhaps a child doesn't need to be protected....I dunno....in the real world where the child lives, I think the custodial parent has the right to know some information. That's MY opinion....try sharing yours if you wish to debate an issue and then everybody wont think you are just annoying and a troll...you'll make friends....trust me on this one Son. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:38:00 AM | travel,
physical harm... i do not believe he would hurt her intentionally. However, i didnt believe he would ever leave her either. He has made some terrible choices in his life and, at least when we were married, he made some questionable decisions (drove drunk, driving just to see how fast he could go before he ran into something, etc.) whether or not he still has these traits I dont know. It still scares the bejeezus out of me. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:43:00 AM | Henry,
would you be a little put off since he sent his brother to mediate... a brother who himself hasnt seen her in 3 years!!! But he walks in and in front of her says "do you know me, I am your uncle Dan." She looked all confused and about ready to cry. I immediately sent her across the street to her friend's house. It just seemed odd that he would send his brother instead of himself. I understand that maybe he didnt know how to start by getting back into her life, if it is what he truly wants. But to take a coward approach??!! His brother told me that he was at work right now, had talked to him before he came to my house, and wanted him to take her to his place of work to see him, without me!! | |
|
| |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:56:23 AM | | and that little girl is a little girl.....she was scared when this stranger comes up to her and says he is her Uncle....she would afraid of her Dad too, because he opted out of her life and she just does not know him......the only way something this half a*ssed would remotely work would be if Mom brought this baby girl to see Pop.....Dad ought to be able to figure this one out too...and I AM sorry for all the people out there blinded by hate and disgust and their own situations that they may not see this ....but we do not FORCE little girls to be scared and cry because Daddy might of just woke up and doesn't wanna be an a*sshole anymore! ,,,,,( I feel like I'm running for election ) | |
|
| |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:04:53 AM |
sorry rhino....I didn't mean to harm your delicate sensibilities ...esp. if you have done time in one of our nationwide big houses.....
Henry, Henry, Henry... You're a little sensitive today. Your post to which I was referring simply lacked enough of the commonly-accepted grammatical conventions that it wasn't particularly clear. It made me laugh that, even so, one could clearly "hear" the sarcasm. Now I'm amused you took so much away from my post that simply wasn't there.
I *am* glad that you clarified the points you were trying to make in the first post, though. Again, the bitter sarcasm is just an added bonus we all get to enjoy. 
As for the "big house," I would be unequivocally excluded from my current profession if that were the case. Nice, completely misguided, try. :) | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:07:57 AM |
and that little girl is a little girl.....she was scared when this stranger comes up to her and says he is her Uncle....she would afraid of her Dad too, because he opted out of her life and she just does not know him......the only way something this half a*ssed would remotely work would be if Mom brought this baby girl to see Pop.....Dad ought to be able to figure this one out too...and I AM sorry for all the people out there blinded by hate and disgust and their own situations that they may not see this ....but we do not FORCE little girls to be scared and cry because Daddy might of just woke up and doesn't wanna be an a*sshole anymore! ,,,,,( I feel like I'm running for election )
Now see? This one made sense, AND I completely agree. :)
OP, the best interests of your daughter are the only things that matter in this case. As you've already looked into the legal ramifications, you know how those can bias that common-sense response, but seriously, keep your daughter's needs first in this. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:54:33 AM | | Rhino, it's possible that you are merely slow to grasp concepts, and that's OK....and I want you to know that I WONT hold that against you...but the rest of us are parents and generally look at these kinds of bizarre things like a parents will and will immediately put the kibosh on such nonsense....I'm glad you finally got it and I'm glad you got the forum-police job too with POF...I'm sure you'll do a great job.....but, you may NOT have my Mom's job...she is still alive and wont be giving it up and when she is gone we wont be refilling that position Sparky. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:12:41 AM | I wouldn't be concerned about the existing court order. If he had a copy and called the police to try to enforce it, they most likely would tell him it is a civil matter he will have to take up with his attorney and pursue. It ain't contempt until the judge says so. Chances are he won't push to have things his way cuz any attorney worth his/her salt will expect a judge to render a decision that demonstrates concern for a young child's emotional well-being so they'll advise him not to waste his money. As long as you don't antagonize him I believe the two of you should be able to work toward an arrangement that satisfies everyone.
I agree sending his brother (who hasn't been around much more than the dad) was a chickensh** thing to do. But can you also understand that he has some legitimate concerns about how you would react?
I recommend telling him a starting point would be having his contact info (place of residence and telephone #). You can begin preparing your daughter to meet him and be positive about it. Then perhaps all three of you can meet on neutral ground (a park or some kind of eatery with games or play equipment for kids). Don't agree to allow him unsupervised visits until you are satisfied that she is comfortable with him and he isn't exhibiting any signs of substance abuse... or you are court ordered. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:28:42 AM | | I went threw the same thing with my childs fther. Well kinda he would come around then leave then come and dissapear again. He was gone for 4 years then wanted to come around again. I told him supervised visits and he had to promise to stay in her life and not take off on her again. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:13:59 PM |
Rhino, it's possible that you are merely slow to grasp concepts, and that's OK....and I want you to know that I WONT hold that against you...but the rest of us are parents and generally look at these kinds of bizarre things like a parents will and will immediately put the kibosh on such nonsense....I'm glad you finally got it and I'm glad you got the forum-police job too with POF...I'm sure you'll do a great job.....but, you may NOT have my Mom's job...she is still alive and wont be giving it up and when she is gone we wont be refilling that position Sparky.
You're amusing. For now. | |
|
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:15:24 PM |
I told him supervised visits and he had to promise to stay in her life and not take off on her again.
And how did that work out for the three of you? | |
|
Home
login 
