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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why do some men act interested, then pull back?      Home login  
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 whatislove2
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 1
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I know this is an age old question, but I am just wondering.

Why do some men show interest and pursue a woman and everything seems to be going well, but then for whatever reason, will start to back off? I've had this happen a couple times and I don't know if maybe it is me or that guys feel threatened by the good women out there and feel somehow they are not good enough. I'm not trying to over-analyze this, but it's just something I've always been curious about.

For example, I went out with a guy just as friends who knew I had children. He approached me and I assumed he was interested. We seemed to hit it off and everything was fine, but then he kept on implying he wasn't interested in a serious relationship with a woman who had kids. I told him I understood and we could just be friends and see what happened. I knew there was attraction there, but I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and only wanted a friend for now. I think there was some misunderstanding and he thought I wanted something different and casual, but I was not into that. Needless to say, I asked him why he even bothered asking me out since he knew I had kids and he acted like he wasn't sure if I had kids or not, but I know he knew I did. I think he didn't have good motives and was trying to back out gracefully. I just don't understand all the game-playing that goes on, but it's important to always be upfront about what you want or don't want in a relationship...Which brings me back to what are some guys really looking for in a woman and what is it that women say or do that makes a man suddenly for no apparent reason back off.
 ApplePieSweetTart
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 2
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:01:13 PM
I'm curious as to what the men's answers will be on this subject in general.

Men & math are hard. :-/
 windsor_saints
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 3
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:01:39 PM
It's an inferiority complex some guys have. When a really great, gorgeous woman shows interest in us (women we think are "out of our league") we start to think that they maybe they only like us for one thing, or that it's a joke.

It happened to me last year in college. This girl Christina, who is one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever met, liked me a lot. I knew I was good looking, I just thought that she was playing a trick on me. You know, get me to fall for her and then she'd admit to it being a joke. Suffice to say, I was wrong, and I wound up breaking this girl's heart when I started dating the woman who would eventually become my fiancee. It's fear, that's all.
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 4
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:05:02 PM

Why do some men show interest and pursue a woman and everything seems to be going well, but then for whatever reason, will start to back off? I've had this happen a couple times and I don't know if maybe it is me or that guys feel threatened by the good women out there and feel somehow they are not good enough. I'm not trying to over-analyze this, but it's just something I've always been curious about.

Simple. First of all, they are not threatened so forget that thesis. The reality is that they are only interested in a quick hook up (from the get go). If they can get it, fine, if not, then they move on. Its that simple!!
 PuppeeLove
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 5
Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:05:11 PM
Hmm.. well I wish I had the answer to this.. cause I've been in the very same predicament myself. Only on rare occasions will I mail a guy on this site.. cause usually I get enough ppl approaching me. Well.. out of the ppl that do.. I may meet one or two and things will go well for a while; and I'll even ask upfront to make sure we're on the same page attraction/feeling wise and everything will continue to be fine.. then out of nowhere the contact becomes fewer and farther between, and then suddenly we're not talking and I can't figure out why! I'm not overly pushy, I don't expect to have every minute of his time nor do I expect him to make a committment right off the bat.. but it just seems to always end badly. I obviously do expect this type of thing may happen, of course if things were awkward when we met, or there wasn't a spark between us physically, but when all those things seem to be in place.. what else could be going on?
 PuppeeLove
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 6
Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:09:18 PM
Oh, and in reply to the last persons post.. well what both of you have been in a situation where he had the opportunity to have sex with you but didn't because he felt it was too quick. Also, to me this wouldn't be a lack of disinterest considering he had continued to pursue you after that, and we had done most other things aside from sex.
 forumeow
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 7
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:13:28 PM

Why do some men act interested, then pull back?


Because.

Really, just because. (For the record, women do it too.) You meet someone, they seem interested, then "poof!" there they went.

It's just... because. No verifiable reason exists. Or maybe it's that there's a thousand reasons? Who knows? Maybe he just wanted sex, or maybe he liked you but was scared of the kid thing, or maybe his hemorrhoids were hurting or his shoes were too tight, it could be anything.
 ApplePieSweetTart
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 8
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:17:19 PM

Because.


Dad, I told you to get off this site already or I am telling mom.
 whatislove2
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 9
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:18:18 PM
So I guess men will even swear that's not at all what they are looking for, but secretly they are hoping for it??

Why do they even bother approaching a woman who sends out vibes that she's not that type of woman? Why do they waste their time?
 windsor_saints
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 10
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:21:30 PM
It's not all about sex. The women who think that way need to get a grip. Not all guys are strictly out for a quick lay.

I've pulled back a few times due to being hurt in past relationships. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, other times, not so much. Your "wall" goes up and you protect yourself from getting hurt.
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 11
Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:26:11 PM

well what both of you have been in a situation where he had the opportunity to have sex with you but didn't because he felt it was too quick. Also, to me this wouldn't be a lack of disinterest considering he had continued to pursue you after that, and we had done most other things aside from sex.

The chase was over and the conquest completed (whether you had sex or not). When men back off or start the fade out process it is always for one of two reasons; a) the conquest is over, or b) they see now future with you.

A man can hang around for a few weeks if there is a chance of sex even though they have no intent or interest in a relationship. Of course they never tell you that outright as such an action could impair their chance to get some a$$.
 ApplePieSweetTart
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 12
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:26:40 PM
Which is so wierd to hear guys saying that, because in 5000 other posts, they whine about wanting love, craving companionship, how awesome they are in bed, yet 90% of them prefer to sit behind their computer screen and jerk off in dirty IMs.

Same goes for the women.
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 13
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:29:43 PM

Why do they waste their time?

Its a numbers game and men usually can't read women's "vibes". Hence they go indiscriminatory for all. Once they realize the door is closed, they high tail out for the next potential conquest.
 forumeow
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 14
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:31:38 PM

Because.
Dad, I told you to get off this site already or I am telling mom.


Apple Pie... this IS Mom, not Dad! Go to your room young lady!

Seriously, there's a thousand reasons and none... hence my "because." Everyone has different reasons for every type of behavior.

~~ Meow raises her "because" banner and drifts away... ~~
 Pamperpooch000
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 15
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:39:28 PM
I've pulled back a few times due to being hurt in past relationships. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, other times, not so much. Your "wall" goes up and you protect yourself from getting hurt.


i totally agree...or had second thought's about the person.....


I'd go with freckles answer

Seriously though OP, it sounds like he finds you attractive, but you're not getting to him on an emotional level.
 windsor_saints
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 16
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:46:26 PM
Yeah, second thoughts is another thing. It happens.
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 17
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:47:33 PM
How about if a man claims to want to be with you, so you are on the phone, im, e-mail, and POF. OKAY. We got along well. I am not looking for "whatever. " I liked him. He liked me. I wasked him if we could officially meet "face to face" {in person} after my son returns to school. He wants to meet NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't meet now. My son is autistic and is wrecking the house. i would like to get my life back in some sort of order.
He is going to school in one week. it is not THAT long.
I am not asking this man to wait a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not playing games, i am serious about this man, i liked him.
he was supposed to call me back and did not but went onto POF.
That PISSED me off.
Then he was supposed to call back. went on pof again to check his messages.
so he wants to see if the grass is greener. even though he told me that he wants a relationship with me.
so i feel deceived

i told him to remove his profile. we get along well. we have chemistry. we want the same things. cut the games.
he says that we haven't met face to face and we should take a break.
i feel that he is being a player.

telling me he wants marriage wife ect why would he keep his profile up and be building something with me while looking at other women?

what the man can't wait one week for my son to return to school?
 Pamperpooch000
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 18
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 4:26:36 PM
Why do they even bother approaching a woman who sends out vibes that she's not that type of woman? Why do they waste their time?


I hate to say it OP but if they are users (and I don't think they always are, sometimes they just realise they don't click with a person beneath the surface) then sometimes they are hungry for a bit of a challenge. Someone who seems out of bounds can appear to be just what they are looking for at that moment. Once again I don't think you should always assume they are bad people, some of them just want to find someone who they feel is more in touch with them, so sometimes they wait around for a while to see if any feelings develope because they find the person attractive on the outside and they 'want' to find them attractive on the inside as well. They shouldn't do it though because it's playing with a persons feelings, but sometimes they still can't help themselves from holding onto something slightly even when they know it's probably not good for them or the other person.
 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 19
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:00:21 PM
OP, it could be self-doubt. In that case, the man will either sabotage his chances or fade out, hoping that you'll think he's a loser and move on. It could be that he thinks he can't have you and that you're playing games. In that case, he'll probably blow up. As others have said, it could be second thoughts. You know, what looks good at 10 PM after 2 hours of sleep doesn't always look good after a full night's rest. Maybe he noticed something on your profile that he didn't notice before. Those are some likely scenarios, in addition the usual ones (saw something else better, gf/wife caught him, life got crazy, etc).

Self-doubt is far more prevalent than you might think. A lot of guys are scarred from previous relationships, so every little step feels like they're climbing Mt. Everest. Doesn't matter if it's the first message, the asking for a phone number, the phone call, the first meeting -- pain teaches us guys to be acutely aware of every possible point at which we could be rejected and to deal with our walls every step of the way.
 windsor_saints
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 20
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:33:35 PM
aurora, you are right bud. Most women think that it's so easy for guys to get over an ex and then find another woman. It's not. Players do that, but nice guys, nope.
 *amande*
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 21
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:41:15 PM
that is so true it has happened to me several times
 byebye baby
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 22
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:17:32 PM
Well there sure are lots of interesting responses from the men here .
As much as I really do not like feeling this way, I have to say the majority of them lose interest when "The chase is over, & or they see a profile that "Looks" better"

It makes sense when you, or I realize the guy who said that he really, actually likes you (ok,me)... is on here just as much as he was when he first contacted you(yeah, me). AND he comes up with some out there reasons he can't keep a date, or 2..or 3 now...I know Boo on me (or you)

Ok , guess I feel better getting that out .. lol!
 blueyedgirl17057
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 23
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:12:59 PM
I'd like to know that answer also. I like this guy at work. We had been talking and emailing for months and not about work related issues. He asked me out for dinner but the way he asked me I wasn't sure if it was a date or not, so when the waitress came over I requested separate checks. I didn't want to assume he was paying. It made it a little uneasy, but the dinner went very well, considering the dinner lasted 4 hours.

Long story short we continued to talk at work and emailed at home and when I let him know that I was interested in him, he told me he was flattered and that he does not date women he works with, even though he told people at work that we went out for dinner. A friend of mine told me that all I was to him was an ego boost and that he was a player nothing more.

He still talks to me and on occasions will email me. Sometimes I think that he is interested, but has severe trust issues. Either way he's not the man for me! I'm not into head games! There are more guys out there that are interested in me. Don't try to figure out guys, just be yourself. If they back off they were not meant for you and someone else out there is. Keep looking.
 tru218
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 24
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:21:07 PM
"but I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and only wanted a friend for now"

"he thought I wanted something different and casual, but I was not into that.

I think he backed off because you have no clue what YOU want. Men want confident women, who, at a certain age, should know what they want. You apparently were not clear in YOUR motives.

WOMEN...you want FRIENDS? Hang with your ladies, or...find a gay man. I have said this before and I will say it again. Men are NOT women; do not expect them to be a girlfriend.
 coltfan
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 25
Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:24:43 PM
You are sooooo correct--for both sexes and I couldn't agree with you more! It seems difficult to find a person who is truly interested and that makes me feel like they have some sordid past they are hiding!! I hate to feel so unsure of all of them all of the time!!!

BTW--your postings are great--I read quite a few and agree on most topics--thanks!!
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