| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:25:52 AM | Hi, I need some advice as Im not sure whats the best thing to do.
Ok here goes:
Me and my ex met through this site, we dated for 5 months then he broke up with me. He is a very busy guy, working 6 days a week, usually all day long. He lives about 20 mins drive away from me. He can drive and I can't. He used to come see me very often at the beginning then it was down to like twice or maybe 3 times a week. The thing is, he is not affectionate and is a bit of a joker, never takes anything seriously and jokes about everything. He used to say nice things to me but never said he loved me. Well when we started to have problems it was because apparently i didnt put much effort into a relationship and stuff like that.
There were few things that happened. First one was, he was watching football and cancelled a date with me so it annoyed me. He then text me asking how i was. I ignored the text and didnt text him till the next day in the evening. He ignored me and then got angry saying i ignored him and left him thinking i was pissed off and just refused to talk to me for a week. Then everything was ok again.
Second thing that happened was very similar to this even tho i cant really remember now what happened, again refused to talk to me for about a week
And the third thing he was ignoring me one more time and then said he wasnt sure if he wanted to carry on in this. His parents came to visit him so i left him to it, and then after few days called him and he said he didnt know if he wanted to break up. Anyway few days before my bday i text him saying i cant wait any longer and if he could decide. He said hes sorry and dont think it would work and broke up with me.
He also had this plan of celebrating some football match which happened just after we broke up, he flew to another country for a week on his own and celebrated there, put some pics of him and some girls on his facebook and when i saw it i thought i better stop talking to him cos it hurt. So i deleted him from my facebook and he noticed. Didnt talk for 3 weeks and i never heard from him. Then i was going through some rough time cos of my family so i text him asking if he could meet me as i needed to talk to someone. That was stupid idea. Anyway we met (i havent seen him for over a month) and talked and didnt mention us at all. Then we met again just for a chat and again never mentioned us. Then we started to talk every day, he even asked if i wanted to go to cinema twice and we did go, but only as friends. So now we are friends but then he joined pof cos he said hes looking for someone too. Obviously I wasnt good enough for him. It got to me and i said its time to stop this friendship cos hes obviously looking for someone else and he said ok then. So he wasnt bothered. Then i was thinking about it and again i came back to him saying i still wants to be friends. Now im not that sure whats the best thing to do. He also said he didnt think he could love me. We still talk but not as much anymore. Now i need some advice on what to do, cos obviously he has no feelings for me and I still kinda do but i want to move on and find someone else. Can someone just tell me what u think of this? Or what u think of him? I mean ignoring someone for a week if they didnt text back cos they were mad? he should have made a bit more effort dont u think? I dont know, i just dont think he cares about me and he is only friend with me cos he knows i still like him but thats not what i want. Please any advice will be appreciated sooo much. Thank you x | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:37:25 AM | The reason you keep contacting him is because you are lonely. You need to get out and find new people to hang out with and date.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. And yes, sometimes it's something we can't get past.
He doesn't want to date you and doesn't seem to be interested in having much of a friendship, so just cut him off entirely. Delete his email, phone number, all of that and just don't contact him. If he contacts you for any reason, which it doesn't sound like he will, tell him you can't have contact with him anymore. For some reason I don't think he's going to be too heartbroken and instead of being hurt by that you need to just accept it and move on.
We all meet people who we just don't mesh with. People who we really don't care if they are in our lives or not. We just don't click. Don't take it so personally and move on to someone who is into you.
And by the way, I was heartbroken a few months ago, something that has happened to all of us, and after about 2-3 weeks I was much better. Not 100%, but much better. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:44:22 AM | | thank u for some advices, the question is im not sure if its better to just tell him i dont want to talk to him even tho it will hurt or if there is any point in carrying on talking and then he might find someone else and i will be hurt again. Just dont know whats the best thing? I know he will probably not mind if i stop talking to him but also, hes always the one that sends me a text first or starts talking to me on msn or things like that. I think he might be just lonely too and he knows i like him so why not talk to someone that likes him but he doesnt care about me. what do u think? i just wish i could see into his head lol | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:48:01 AM | | I have been there so many times before. The very best thing you can do now is to let it go. Oh I kow it'll be difficult. & painful. & you'll want to call him. But try really hard not to. He can not provide for you what you had hoped for so it's time to allow new things, new friends, new men into your life. The last thing you want to do, is to appear as an indecisive, wishy-washy woman, even if you feel that way. The energy you put out (confidence) is how you'll attract back. Good luck to you! | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:49:59 AM | | Move on and find new friends. Not always easy to do but the best thing to do. He just does not sound that interested. Working to hard at a relationship in the beginning is just .... well hard now, really hard later. You are hurting but you will be fine. Time is your best friend. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:55:13 AM | Have you heard the expression : You can't go home again... This is a classic case of trying to make something work that isn't going to.. .. He just isn't into you the same as you are him.I would cut my losses and try to move on now.. Sure it will be painful for you ,but you just really can't go home.. another part of the cruelty of love. break up to make up and the cycle continues.
This whole thing sounds like one of the games people play... you were both struggling for power in the relationship .... I am going to show him/her. You never go to bed (or home) mad at each other. The only way to make any relationship work is through communication and for the time you were mad at each other there was none. That gives the other a chance to think ... well maybe she/he isn't right for me. I am tired of those games.
You just can't go back to being friends once you were lovers... it takes really special kind of people to do that and in most cases .... It can't be done,not all, but most ..
Move on you are young and very attractive, there will be other fish. and you will look back at this as a learning experience ... Next time you both will sit and talk as long as it takes.
IF you both want the same things .
Just my two cents
Good luck | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:05:48 AM | | sweetie everyone is giving you really good advice on this situation and its completely up to you whether or not you take that advice. In my experience if a guy really likes a girl they SHOW IT! they tell you and they make sure you know it. he wouldn't have let you walk away in the first place if this was the case. if you keep playing' the games and writing back to his text it will only leave u feeling empty inside...you just said it your self "he doesn't care about me" well if you know that then why are u wasting your time? move on and up! play a game worth playing if you must play one at all! its guna be hard but in time it only gets easier! good luck! | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:16:53 AM | | After having somewhat a relationship with this guy, and you still do, but he wants friendship well unfortunely you have to take it for what it is and no more. It is hard when you still care about someone to become friends after being lovers. If you go back and fourth with wanting to be friends then not wanting to be friends and if you dont hear from him you call not good. To be honest with you all you will do is run him completely away. You are going to have to make a decision on whether you can handle just being friends because thats all he wants now. Who knows where it will end up but for now if you want any connection then you unfortunely are not the one who gets to call all the shots. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:28:25 AM | | thank u for all these advices, i know i should stop talking to him. what do i do? shall i tell him or just not contact him again? that seems to be soo rude tho. So whats the best thing to do? thank you x | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:36:28 AM | Why would you tell him you're not talking to him?
Just stop contacting him-no phone calls, no e-mail, no IM's, nothing.
From the sound of it, he won't care or notice....
I'm sorry for being so blunt, but that's the reality of it.
Most of us have gone through this at least once in our lives, and you will make it.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will make it...... | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:39:47 AM | | lol that is very blunt but yeah i know maybe thats the best thing to do but then its very rude, i mean he did few things for me, and i mean one day i talk to him fine and then suddenly i dont reply or ignore him? thats just not me :( | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:52:06 AM | | One short EMAIL (text is kine of brutal) that says: Dear Bobo, I cannot talk with you anymore. Take care of yourself. xxxxxxxx Then, you know what you have to do. It hurts but stay busy. Best wishes. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:55:50 AM | Hi OP
Some good advice you're getting on here.
You just weren't/aren't suitable and that's all there is to it. I read your comment about his not thinking you're good enough - has he ever said that to you or is that your interpretation of events?
No-one's 'not good enough' - you're just not suitable. He's not being nasty about it and you're not being nasty about it - but you're the one who's in pain at the moment. Just feel it and it'll pass. There may come a time when you're the one who's not feeling attached and the other person's in your position.
It's probably a lesson we've all got to learn and once it's learnt you manage it better next time around. He seems to be treating you with respect through it all and that's a good thing. You're both just not suited (it's not just you) and you need to tell yourself that without putting yourself down and thinking bad things about yourself.
There are millions of people I'm not suited to and just as many not suited to me. We're all in the same boat.
There'll be other opportunities come along when you're ready for them - don't go rushing into a new thing before you've got yourself emotionally re-grounded though - you might want to get a counsellor to talk to help with the journey.
If I were you I would work yourself slowly away from him and into a new life for yourself as it's going to keep hurting until you make the break. Takes a while to get used to the 'new you' so don't punish yourself and just learn to transition into it. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:03:06 AM | | thank u, im getting a lot of good advices, i dont need a counsellor, i dont cry and i dont think im gonna cry, i know we might not be suited and he might not even be what im looking for but i dont think i wanna lose him completely, but i also know i will hurt if he finds someone else so i think i need to stop any contact because i know i still like him and i dont want to anymore. Its just hard to do. I dont want to look like im being nasty to him and i dont know what hes thinking but he finds it hard to find someone else cos hes very picky and i was kinda hoping he might realize i am suitable for him cos we are kinda similar, and we want the same things but i dont know. he never said i wasnt good enough for him, no. anyway well probably best thing to just let it go i suppose? | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:23:03 AM | First, stop thinking that the two of you are 'suitable'. You're not.
Second, realize that the game of ignoring one another is immature. Adults discuss and work toward resolution.
Third, ask yourself why you would continue to invite this kind of treatment into your life--what is the payoff for you? At this point, you're more into the drama than the relationship. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:40:35 AM | | You are 25 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't stick with the guy that hurt you, find someone that will love you. Being friends isn't a good idea because you still have other feelings for him. When he finds a new girlfriend you will be destroyed by it. Take yourself out of his life cos he'll be cramping your style girl. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:41:56 AM | You keep asking the same thing over and over, you just don't like the answer.
You want to keep in contact with him and you want to throw out a lifeline to him by emailing him and telling him you can't talk to him anymore. You are just wishfully hoping he will tell you he can't stand the thought of not hearing from you anymore or do something to give you reason to hope. That's why you want to email him one last time, and of course it won't be the last. It's not about being rude, it's about refusing to let go.
Very simply, put his emails on your block list. Block him on messenger. Block his texts if you can. He'll get the hint. If he doesn't (and I have a feeling he will), email him - "I can't be around you. It's too painful. I am sorry, but please don't contact me anymore." I am sure that will take care of it. When someone refuses to get over another person, the object of the affection usually gets creeped out or doesn't want to keep dealing with someone who won't let it go.
But until you're willing to let him go, you are going to keep trying to think of excuses and keep saying things like you wish you could see into his head. I am sure if you did that, you wouldn't like what you found.
It's pain now or even more pain later. That's your choice. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:45:34 AM | | being a hard working man, i still do not understand this guy, first i would love to find someone to come home to, i will go out on a limb and say that you just maybe too good for him, find a man that wants you for you, never reduce your worth for anyone | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:51:25 AM | Sounds like you could be friends, if you could get over wanting more. He's been really thoughtful in holding onto the friendship and being honest about it not being anything more, and he seems to be there for you as a friend when you need him.
I agree about the power struggling part. It creates a hard relationship, and suggests incompatability. If you can't "cure" that part of your relationship, maybe you should be serious about looking for a boyfriend while maintaining your friendship, but I'd recommend putting a greater effort into finding a replacement boyfriend right now, since the friendship hurts. Breaks are great when things are going rough. | |
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| Ive been there and im still trying to deal with it
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:58:26 AM | I have a relationhip with a woman that im crazy about. We have been friends for months and we bioth have dated other people. She has made it clear that she wants nothing but friendship, no commitiments. I can really relate to this woman and we chat 6-7 times a day. Weve been through our power struggles and made it to the other side. Wever recently crossed the friendship barrier and have been intimate which is really messing with my head. But all she wants is friends and i cant let go of her. I know if i want a real relationship and find compnaionship, i will have to probably let go of her. But i just cant right now. So others have been where you are.
So if you can deal with his terms, why not be friends? But beware you will be hurt.
tell him to quit playing games and pouting by not talking to you, though. Thats high school stuff. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:03:03 PM |
i just dont think he cares about me and he is only friend with me cos he knows i still like him but thats not what i want.
There is your answer
but thats not what i want
You want something he doesn't. He probably likes you as a friend and nothing more. Thats why he continues talking to you. But it's obvious you want more, and he isn't willing to give that much of himself to you. Why not just accept his friendship and accept that it will never be anything more. He's already tested the waters with you and knows your interest in him. If he wanted the same thing you do, he'd be giving that to you. You can't make someone want or love you if they don't. Be happy you have a true friend, they are very hard to find. And if you can't accept his being with someone else, then you just have to let it go. No need to send him messages telling him your done, it's pretty obvious he's already done. So what is the point in messaging him to let him know that you are now. A message to say your done, only says your not REALLY done. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:05:48 PM | Hey xxxz you have to bite the bullet and cut it clean, I was in a destructive relationship and it took me forever to cut the ties completely and now that I have I have found my soul here on POF so just do it and get on with the best part of your life, the rest of it, good luck | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:13:55 PM | | I think there were several issues on both parties, from the sounds of what your saying I think you need to move on and so does he. Sometimes things arent what we expect them to be. | |
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| I need some help or advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:27:44 PM | If you weren't friends to start with, no point in trying to go there now. It's clear you want something more from that relationship than friendship, and he doesn't (nor does he apparently have the maturity it takes to truly be your friend, based on what you've said so far). Anyhow, it will only cause you pain down the road if you're holding on to hope that your relationship will be revived.
Self-respect is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Cut your losses and let it go, move on to spend your time developing more a fruitful relationship with someone new. | |
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