| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:40:50 PM | my question is: How long does it take to heal? It's been a month and it's still so hard.
Abusive meaning controlling who and what i did...even what i could wear to bed and then it ended in physical harm. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:50:43 PM | how long was the relationship?
A month isn't a long time. If you haven't gotten involved in counseling, it would be in your best interest to do so. Often times, until you realize it from counseling, people who have been abused keeps going after the same type of relationship. You'll need to break the cycle.
Most of all.. be good to yourself, and make sure you realize you don't NEED somebody else, but would eventually like someone else. There's a difference. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:04:14 PM | | Being abused is hard on you . Just give yourself plenty of time to heal.What works for one person ?? May not work for the next . I just want to say I am glad you are out. And safe. Please run if you notice any other male with any of the signs of being abusive. Can i ask you something ? My daughter was married to one . And one classic sign was he bought her gifts often to take to her work to show off. I know a few others that was a tell tale sign. So woman ! When you see that lady getting gifts often and you say how lucky she is ?? Step back and think a minute. Is he trying to make up for ? Or keep her quite about the abuse last night ? | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:09:47 PM | About as long as you live.
Have you sought counceling to identify abusive behavior?
Once you can identify it, you are surrounded. There is no escape. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:11:31 PM |
How long does it take to heal?
You'll heal quick and be better off for the experience what doesn't kill yea will make you stronger. Majority off people are decent folks but unfortunately all it takes is 1 as*hole to ruin the show. No worries though you'll find that one whom makes all those troubles go away... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:27:45 PM |
No worries though you'll find that one whom makes all those troubles go away...
Yeah, you will either find one that abuses you, and you don't care, or vice versa.
Or, you might learn to identify it, and make a strong commitment to teach others how to love. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:05:53 AM | | I am looking into counselling. While we were broken up he used to drive by it's kind of scary. Yes, I am definitely glad to be alive considering that day I was thrown out of a moving vehicle and kissed the concrete pretty nicely. The relationship was a year. Just can't wrap my mind around it, of someone can just turn like that. At one point in time I did carry his child. For all one goes through with someone you'd think there'd be a LITTLE respect? or am i just not getting it. *shakes her head* | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:14:48 AM | It is a terrible sicknees. He sounds like one of the obvious ones. There are so many "shadow abusers" that you just can't imagine the magnitude.
I came up with an expession that really fits the disease.
Domestic Abuse is an iceberg.
If you can spot it. You are on the Titanic. You can only see the 10% that shows above the water. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:15:47 AM |
he used to drive by it's kind of scary
So my ex threaten's she's gonna burn my house down and broke into my garage and stole my Garmin Nuvi 760 GPS damn bi*ch I miss that thing... And getting throw outta a vehicle can't be any worst then a knife across the back but who's comparing...
Mental illnsess suxs all you can do is move on you'll get over it and believe me there are many decent folks out there..... | |
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Posted: 8/13/2008 12:21:07 AM | | ^^^ im not trying to compare abusive stories of who's it worse...all i was asking for was advice... ;-) | |
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Posted: 8/13/2008 12:23:36 AM | "im not trying to compare abusive stories of who's it worse...all i was asking for was advice"
Relax I'm having some fun with it to lighten up a bit things could be worse your still breathin aren't you... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:29:24 AM | sorry perhaps it is true that written words over the internet do not come across the same as if spoken....
yes you are right i am still breathing...but what i really loathe is being a statistic! of an abused woman....as for what doesnt kill ya makes ya stronger...damn im still alive barely though........ | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:32:39 AM | | Well, you have to know that the girl needs some love right now, bro. Did you go to counseling? You know you have to apologize and tell her that her story made you feel like telling yours. You should also tell her that you know she was really hurt, not physically, but her heart was hurt when she was thrown from the car, even if she broke limbs, and had to go to the hospital, it was her heart that hurt the most. | |
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Posted: 8/13/2008 12:39:56 AM | Yes, physically the road rash, scrapes, bruising healed after a couple weeks...although shameful as it was walking around. TO make it worse one of my best girlfriends told me I deserved what he did to me. I don't know it just feels like a whole big chunk was taken from inside of me. I am usually a strong person, but it's just the fact of the fact that it happened. Psychologically perhaps even worse than the broken heart after you give your all to someone...to literally be able to throw you makes no sense. One thing that is gratifying is he'll have a permanent record and will remember me forever just like I will...sick thought or not...that's what gets me through my days sometimes...when they're not slept away | |
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Posted: 8/13/2008 12:51:39 AM | I hope you have hired a lawyer and are pursuing this matter via the courts and ensuring he is held accountable. I was once in your shoes and that's what I did and he was convicted accordingly and sentenced and has served and is out of my life forever. Speak to your family doctor about counselling as in most cases PTSD is common in those who have been abused. Your family doctor can provide you with guidance. I had individuals who told me I deserved to be abused. No one deserves to be hurt or abused. I have since cut those individuals out of my life forever. There is life after being abused trust me on that. Experience the healing process, go with it, give yourself time. Something positive came out of the abusive relationship I was in. It taught me what I want from life and love, that there are good people in the world and bad ones too. I now have standards and more confidence than ever in myself, my beliefs, and my abiities. Everyday you will become stronger and every day you will heal a bit more. I admire your strength and courage. Do not go back to him. Abusers never change. They keep saying they will never do it again but that's a lie. Abusers belittle their loved one into believing they can't do any better and some even threat to kill themselves or their loved one (which makes the loved one stay). Look forward to the future and all the positives it has to offer and surround yourself with individuals who will support you and guide you through your healing process. Everyday it will get easier. Leaving an abusive relationship feels like death (it did for me because of the harm he did), but soon your days will be happy again. Have faith and belief. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:54:31 AM | Well, you have to know that the girl needs some love right now, bro. Did you go to counseling?
I know we all need love especially her after her ordeal... What's that expression sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me does that apply.
My good ol Canadian beer is preventing me from offering decent advise so I say this. Familiarity breeds contempt nope umm metal illness attacts like minds nope ohh god we need help......... Can't I just get laid and be done with it all...... i'm going for a cigarette crap and i quit and I started and I quit whatever maybe I'm ****ed in the head......
Advice fix yourself before starting a relationship because mentaly ill people attract mentally ill people they are like magnets..
brunettemiss01 now there's a smart mouth if I ever did here one, miss politically correct. | |
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Posted: 8/19/2008 5:45:28 PM | I was in an abusive marriage for about 15 of 18 years of marriage, stupid reasons for thinking I could change him, it was my fault he drank, etc.......Some of it you will carry to the grave.......thank God for an understanding sweet man that I know that has helped me to learn to give it over to the past a little at a time.......been divorced since '93 still something will trigger some bad memory.......At least I do not wake screaming out in the night, like I once did......healing is on going.......... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 5:48:48 PM | OP: I have never been in an abusive relationship. However, the healing process is all dependent on you and how you are addressing the post-breakup. Are you seeking counseling?
I wonder if a person truly "heals" from being abused. Seems to me they learn to cope with the abused endured vs. healing per se.
Nonetheless, I wish you all the best and do BELIEVE that better days are coming.
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 5:58:31 PM | | I`m afraid that dating and meeting men or being in relationships will have this result 20 to 40 percent of the time. Regardless of what others say , I think this is a very common situation. It`s just that a lot of women cover it up because of embarrassment or guilt that somehow they caused it, or will be looked upon as damaged goods. (As I have heard many chivilrous gentlemen here on the forums refer to it, what a lovely concept, adding insult to injury, really big men!)Just remember that you are not alone, and that most women who have had several LTR`s, have at some point dealt with an abuser. Especially if you are a kind and sensitive type of person. They tend to seek those kinds of women out because they make the best target. You just have to be very vigilant of this , and be ready to leave at the first unkind word. Remeber you did nothing wrong. Alot of guys do this. Start talking to other ladies that you trust and I`m sure they can share war stories with you. Because when you really,really start talking sincerely to women, almost all have had this happen one time or another. It is a huge part of our society that gets swept under the rug, and no one talks about it. The men lie and say they don`t do it. But they do. You are no different. It is bound to happen to almost all women if they date a while. You just have to toughen up and realize that this is always a possibility and be ready for it, and not let it get to you, if you can. For myself , I am very paranoid to date or get close to a man because it has happened a few times. So trust is an issue. I carry pepper spray and am considering a martial arts class. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:05:01 PM | Honey, call your local Domestic Violence hotline. They will help.
If you have a child in common, you can go through Family Court and not Criminal court to get an Order of Protection. Domestic Violence is not something you "get over" it is something you survive.
Nothing you did was your fault. He made a choice to hurt you, it does not matter if he was drunk or mad for some reason. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:09:04 PM | Advice fix yourself before starting a relationship because mentaly ill people attract mentally ill people they are like magnets..
You see, this is the problem. In this culture, if a woman gets the crap beat out of her, most men turn around and make it her fault, that there is something wrong with her. As far as I am concerned, anyone with this kind of attitude may as well be an abuser himself because he has no sense of morality. To me when I hear this, it is a huge red flag that they condone abuse and are capable of it themselves. My response to any man who has this attitude is he can go F*** himself-----creepa**.
My best advice is to toughen up, realize that a lot of men do this, and never, never trust a man. They can turn on you at the drop of a dime. You can know them for years and it can happen. You just never know. The only way they won`t do it is if they know that they won`t get away with it, if they know they would suffer reprocussions like
a jail term or if they start on you and you can take them physically. My dad stopped abusing finally when he started in on his second wife about a month into the marriage and she busted his nose. He stopped after that. But I still would never trust him. He`s an abuser and if he gets a chance, he would do it to someone else. | |
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Posted: 8/19/2008 6:12:30 PM | | ~OP~ You don't need to explain any more than you already have. You need in-person communication about this. I applaud your willingness to come in here and post something so personal ~ but this isn't where you will find the help/answers you seek. You can get immediate answers/help/assistance/etc., by opening any phone book. The yellow pages (under Domestic Abuse or Rape/Domestic Abuse) you can find the national toll free number, call them as soon as you can. It's confidential and they will give you information for assistance in your local area. I'm sorry this is as it is for you. Best of luck. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:14:11 PM | These types of relationships and the pain and hurt they cause. The not so funny thing is that when we are in these types of relationships we don’t see it, everything is ok. Hindsight is a mother. My best advise is seek therapy and be open and honest with yourself and who ever you choose to talk with, find a support group. It’s not your fault.
Don’t let it ruin your dating life, but at the same time recognize the signs of a controlling or dominating moron.
My 2cents | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/19/2008 11:23:37 PM | There are more than likely groups in or around your area for victims of abuse that you could join. To a lot of people, not necessarily you, they find that sharing the pain helps rid it quicker. Not only that, but it will toughen your stance for future encounters, and hey, you might even make a few really good friends after the fact.
No woman or man should ever put up with abuse, in any form. If you're abused, get out. Don't make excuses. Don't stay "for the sake of...". Leave.
Try looking around your area lp, and see if there are any groups for people in your situation. Good luck. You'll heal in time, just hang in there. | |
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