| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:33:41 AM | Here's my situation, i've recently been seeing this man in the last year. At first it was just a few nites talking on the phone, then it turned to having a few beers with him where he works. He also would come over on his lunch hour (during school time) hoping to get some but it was never a good time for me. Within the last two months he had finally ended his marriage and moved out and was in the process of fixing up his other house.
While doing that we were able to get together when he worked late while his kids were being taken care of by his mother. The thing is we've been together 4 times sexually and I have come to have strong feelings for him but he said he wasnt looking for a gf. This was his 3 rd marriage that he ended. He was afraid that i might get hurt in the process but i cant seem to deter myself away from him. We get along great and sexually we are very compatible. He's the first man ive ever met that can sit and talk on the phone for 3 hrs at a time.
What do u think my chances are that he'll change his mind about me after the divorce is final ?? | |
|
| |
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:40:12 AM |
thing is we've been together 4 times sexually and I have come to have strong feelings for him but he said he wasnt looking for a gf.
I think you're a FWB and indeed at his convenience only - certainly not yours.
He's ending a marriage. That would be enough for me to stay away. Don't know about you! | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:50:09 AM | hi there cuteazabutton... He does Not have YOUR 'best interests' at heart.....as far as "your chances that he'll change his mind about you after the divorce is final"? HE TOLD YOU HE 'WASN'T LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND'...so it sounds like your 'chances' are q u i t e slim..as far as your subject heading , 'wanting anything more serius in the future',.. hhmmm.., let me use this analogy: if YOU got into a very serious vehicle collision, and were hospitalized for tramatic injuries, didn't think you were gonna live, and YOU went through that THREE TIMES, would YOU want to DRIVE again, let alone anytime soon?     besides, it sounds like you deserve somebody who can give back what you need, not him..good luck sweetie... | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:52:44 AM |
he was living with his wife while you were have sex???
No we never had any type of sex while he was still living with her, it was after he moved out and started his separation papers that we finally got together.
He's ending a marriage. That would be enough for me to stay away. Don't know about you!
He's ending the marriage because in the last year there was no more sex involved due to the fact that there was a lof of conflict in the marriage because they both had kids from previous relationships. Wasnt working out because the disciplining was only working on one side, his kids were being disciplined but hers got away with lots cause they wouldnt listen to the stepdad and go running to the mom. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:56:48 AM | Yes, you are fooling yourself. Now, you need to ask yourself the hard question: 'Why am I fooling myself?'
He is ending his third marriage--he isn't going to jump into another one, and if he does, my guess is that he does it for the potential sex--which didn't work out so well for him the last time, did it... | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:58:13 AM |
What do u think my chances are that he'll change his mind about me after the divorce is final ?? None.
Repeat... none.
You were the sideline interest as he was comtemplating ending a marriage ...and then the one to indulge in adultery with, talk with, and have fun with, and share "what's happening" with.... when he had time to do any of that with you.
He's already told you all that. Maybe not as loud or clear as you wish or are able to hear.
He's the first man ive ever met that can sit and talk on the phone for 3 hrs at a time.
Believe me, there are a LOT of men (and women) who "can sit and talk on the phone for 3 hours at a time" when they are married and wishing not to be married. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:03:40 AM | Op-
Basically you are fullfilling a physical need he has-not an emotional one. I certainly can understand getting caught up in a 'romantic' feeling when being intimate with a person. Yes, you and he talk and spend time together but how much time do you spend together without out it being merely sex?
He's coming out of a marriage and I know for me, at least, when I first split with my spouse I didn't know what I wanted and even a yr later when I started dating I didn't know any better then what I wanted. The only thing I did know is what I did not want. My guess, by your comments, you are a sexual outlet for him only-which would basically leave you as a fwb.
If it's not what you want that stop having sex with him and see if his interest to talk continues-if not you'll have your answer. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:03:59 AM | | Op the simple answer is, you're developing feelings for this man that he doesn't reciprocate, and he probably never will. In all honesty you are only setting yourself up for heartache by keeping him around in the hopes that it will develop into something more one day. He will probably come around and see you on and off until he finds someone he really wants to be with, then you will be out of the equation altogether. It will be much easier on you if you let him go now, and you might have a chance of finding someone who wants the same things from you. Feelings aren't enough to make a relationship when they are only one sided. | |
|
| |
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:25:32 AM | I appreciate all the comments made but one thing is that we both were talking about sex not just him talking to me about it because it had been a while since i had been with anyone too.
Im not looking to marry him or move in with him but what i meant by "anything more serious" is him telling his family: mom, sisters and kids about us. I want to be able to go on dates with him, take our kids to the beach in the summer, go camping together etc. Right now were not able to do that because his kids are still friendly with the ex and he might be afraid that they might say something to her about me. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:35:14 AM |
He's ending the marriage because in the last year there was no more sex involved due to the fact that there was a lof of conflict in the marriage because they both had kids from previous relationships. Wasnt working out because the disciplining was only working on one side, his kids were being disciplined but hers got away with lots cause they wouldnt listen to the stepdad and go running to the mom. I think the Key phrase here "no more sex involved", us men like the least path of resistance. He should have stayed and invested the effort he put into you, into her. Perhaps then, the sex would have been INVOLVED. Third marriage and every time it gets easier?! YIKES The question is, why are you fooling yourself | |
|
| |
| |
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:46:08 AM | Im not looking to marry him or move in with him but what i meant by "anything more serious" is him telling his family: mom, sisters and kids about us. I want to be able to go on dates with him, take our kids to the beach in the summer, go camping together etc. Right now were not able to do that because his kids are still friendly with the ex and he might be afraid that they might say something to her about me.
The problem is OP you're already fantasising about a future with him, and there isn't one because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He just wants you as a friend with benefits, and you're kidding yourself if you think you'll ever get to go on holiday or camping with him. You're making up excuses for him because you 'want' him to 'want' a relationship with you, but he clearly doesn't, and you have to accept that and move away from the situation. Only you can control what happens in your life, and if you refuse to look at what's happening and carry on blindly getting in deeper and deeper then you'll really have no-one but yourself to blame when you end up heartbroken IMO. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:50:40 AM |
He has sex with you while ending the third marriage - thinks thats says it all.
If i was a willing participant with the sex then i dont see where he is using me and third marriage only because he found out only after he married his first wife that she was a psycho, second wife died and then this third one i think was more of a "getting over the shock of his second wife dying". He said the relationship was great with the third wife and sex was good but then it just seem to be a marriage of convenience. Maybe i felt bad for him because no man should be in a marriage and not have the love and sex with his partner. As we talked about it thats when we both knew we were sexually attracted to each other but only after quite a few months of getting to know each other. Im ok with not marrying him because ive never been in that type of situation nor have i ever lived with a man so i dont know if i'd like it or not anyways. What i would like though is to be able to spend more time with him without having to sneak around. Is that so bad ? | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:53:09 AM |
Right now were not able to do that because his kids are still friendly with the ex Well I would HOPE the kids are friendly with the ex. I mean, duh!
OP, you're wishing for something that isn't going to be... AND he's told you it isn't going to be. I'm sorry, but it's just not going to be. Chin up and move on. And try to stay away from men while they are still married. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:58:07 AM |
And try to stay away from men while they are still married.[
I dont pursue men that are married, as a matter of fact i try to steer myself away from them but im sure there have been men and women here who have found themselves attracted to someone they couldnt have.
Plz dont make me sound like im a woman who goes chasing after married men because im not, but sometimes u just cant help who u are attracted to.
We started out as friends and i never in my dreams did i think i'd find him attractive because he's a heavy set man and im not usually attracted to that type of man. I saw him in a whole different light. | |
|
| |
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:03:32 AM | dont see where he is using me and third marriage only because he found out only after he married his first wife that she was a psycho, second wife died and then this third one i think was more of a "getting over the shock of his second wife dying". He said the relationship was great with the third wife and sex was good but then it just seem to be a marriage of convenience
I see where you fit into this equation; you're simply there for his convenience, as said before.
He's certainly not a reliable man. If he were a man of worth, he wouldn't be sneaking you around and instead, would be happy to introduce you/show you off to everyone. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:03:45 AM |
If i was a willing participant with the sex then i dont see where he is using me and third marriage only because he found out only after he married his first wife that she was a psycho, second wife died and then this third one i think was more of a "getting over the shock of his second wife dying". He said the relationship was great with the third wife and sex was good but then it just seem to be a marriage of convenience. Maybe i felt bad for him because no man should be in a marriage and not have the love and sex with his partner. As we talked about it thats when we both knew we were sexually attracted to each other but only after quite a few months of getting to know each other. Im ok with not marrying him because ive never been in that type of situation nor have i ever lived with a man so i dont know if i'd like it or not anyways. What i would like though is to be able to spend more time with him without having to sneak around. Is that so bad ?
More excuses OP for a man who is unreliable. You are hooked, and you can't even see it. You're asking for advice, then you're ignoring it because you don't want to know the truth, you just want someone to tell you he will eventually feel for you the way you do for him, and it isn't going to happen IMO. As for wanting it to be all out in the open and not having to sneak around, do you seriously think if this man had strong feelings for you he wouldn't want to show you off to everyone? Sexual attraction is nothing to some men, they can get ten women a penny to have great sex with them, but a man will not introduce a woman to his friends, family etc until he feels he has a deeper connection with her, and he doesn't feel that with you which is why he keeps you at arms distance. I'm not saying it to be nasty, but really you need to get a check on yourself and wake up and smell the smoke before your house catches on fire. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:17:45 AM |
but a man will not introduce a woman to his friends, family etc until he feels he has a deeper connection with her, and he doesn't feel that with you which is why he keeps you at arms distance.
Youre wrong though he does have a strong connection with me but right now he's just being cautious because of things that can jeopardize his divorce settlement. He works very hard for his money, is a great dad to his kids. Doesnt everyone need someone they can talk to when going thru stuff like this ? And while talking, is it such a crime to be sexually attracted to another ?
His third wife was never interested in the work he does and vice versa but i enjoy watching him do his job (when i can that is). Thats when the attraction to him started with me.
I am reading everything that everyone tells me here dont get me wrong and im not making excuses for him, i know where i stand with him right now, im just asking when his divorce is final, that perhaps we might go public. If not then i'll have to decide what i want to do with this FWB thing. | |
|
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:22:19 AM | you want to be his girlfriend and being accepted by his families and friends. you may have to wait until the cow come home.
he obviously feels relax and comfortable with you to be so honest, and stayed on the phone for 3 hours at a time. so there is a friendship. both of you are non-attached and may feel lonely sometimes. so nothing wrong to share some fun. at least he has the decency to let you know that he is not emotionally available, rather than string you on.
as long as you are fully aware there is nothing more than friendship and fun; he and you can still date other people; you can continue whatever you are doing and enjoy life. | |
|
| |
| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:40:56 AM |
he said he wasn't looking for a gf
It's easy... Believe him.
I suspect if he was thinking about the possibility of more down the road, he likely would have said so. Will he change his mind after his divorce is final? Who knows? In the meantime; be friends... be a FWB, but don't expect it to be anything more than it is, until he tells you directly that his feelings have changed. It's your call. | |
|
Home
login 
