| | Children - the double standardPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | I have dated a few women that have kids and the amazing thing is that in almost every case, they expect me to accept their children, but they are unwilling to do the same in return. I have no problem giving space and time for women to spend time with their kids...I think that is fantastic. However, it doesn't seem to be a two way street...at least not with the women I've dated. The complications of having children are that there are times when I have to/want to spend time with my kids and they with me. That may sometimes include that person and sometimes not. I don't understand why this is something that the women I've dated can not understand. I realize they want to be #1, feel special and all, but sometimes they can't be. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:52:34 AM | You are 110% right... which is why I won't date a man with kids.
IMO a man who has kids MUST place his children first. As the gf, you must understand that they your bf may not always be available for you, that sometimes you can't get a babysitter, sometimes money will be tight, vacation options/time may be limited, holidays may be shared, there may be drama with the other parent, not to mention drama with the kids themselves... this all comes with the territory.
Since *I* don't have children, I don't want to put up with that. I don't think it's fair. I am, however, shocked that you have encountered women with children who are not understanding of this. They are in the same situation...
I say keep fishing. If some of us single/no kids ladies understand this - surely there are women with children who will understand this as well. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:44:06 PM | | I profess I hate kids, I have none of my own, but occasionally you meet a woman with fantastic kids and it melts that icey heart of mine, it also makes the split so much harder if it happens. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 3:40:32 AM | | OP, I think you've just been meeting the wrong women. A good parent does place their children first... that's the position they deserve to occupy. There should be giving/taking on both sides of a relationship however, in order to try to make time for all parties involved... If it's not the 'type' of woman you're meeting, perhaps are you letting your children run your life? Just a thought... | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:28:38 AM | This is a double standard, indeed.
Fatherhood should be considered just as important as motherhood. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:12:31 PM | The thing I might ask is, how long have you been dating them before they want to be first? If it has only been a few weeks or months, they are expecting a double standard. However, if you've been dating for at least 6 months or longer, my opinion is that the woman does deserve to have some "first" time.
I can only speak from my own experience as a woman with no kids who has dated a man with children for over a year. I never came first, EVER. Which is why I am not with him today.
While I do think the kids should come first for any single parent that is dating, if you've been in a relationship for awhile, your other half deserves the respect of being a priority at least part of the time. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:13:04 PM | I had a woman mention to me that I should be a hot commidity since I didn't have children. I mentioned to her that she had kids so what would it matter if I did.
Her response was surprising to say the least.
She told me just because I have my own kids doesn't mean I want to deal with someone elses kids.
Go figure! | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:34:13 PM | I'm sorry i've dated guys with children and i hope to god i've never asked a man to make me more special than his or my own children...
As a adult whether your a mother or father you have to realise that sometimes children just want their parents attention. It doesnt mean they dont like you as a person but small people can sometimes feel that your taking all of the parents love and that they are on the back burner....
I've been on dates and sometimes my kids have come along, we've sat in the garden of a pub somewhere, my children will come over and give me a hug, if they've known my current b/f for a while they'll hug him so that they know they're important to him too......
The thing is, their brains are all different, they dont work like us. Let them ask for time away from your g/f b/f and just have quality time.
If a potential life partner cant hack it then kick them to the kerb, n damn quick...
Jem x
ps i usually look for people with kids, hoping they'll understand this.. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:38:08 PM | Well I am a single Mom, I have been with a guy who had children and never did I expect him to put me before his Son no way at all its not right and should not be expected. Whether its the mum or dad they should both be the same. I would totally understand if I was with a man who wanted to spend time with his Daughter/Son and would see it as bonding time I know that my time would come later.
I am certain that you have not met the right person here because someone will love and adore you and take on your child.
Shell x | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:57:19 PM | I'm in agreement with the posters who say you are dating the wrong women. It's perfectly fine for these women to want to spend time with their kids and not with yours. It's their right. It is also *your* right to decide that isn't acceptable for you and to move on. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. You can't change the way others act, need, or feel, but you *can* control who you allow to be in your life.
Best of luck
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:35:25 AM | | If she is that selfish a person then you know what your next move sholud be. I make it plain if or when you meet my child you must understand that you guys do except each other YOU will definitely be the one to go i grew up watching my parents putting my sibilings and myself second string and i would never do that to my child for anyone | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:44:55 AM | | All I can say on this issue is if I meet and date a man who has children, I hope to be treated as an equal. Hell, if you want me to give all of myself to you, and be in a relationship for the long haul, I refuse to be second best. I can understand "alone" time but I think comments where "my kids come first" is basically telling someone that they will always be second in line. Or third. And so on. I met a woman at College last week, a fellow class mate, and she was telling me she had been dating a guy for about 2 years. Last week, the man's son turned to her at dinner one night and said " if you marry my dad, you know I still get the house, so do not think you will ever be priority." And I believe it did happen. When people put so much on the "kids being first" and the mate or lover second, it can really make things get ugly. When you were married before, was it not a joint decision when doing things? I do not get it. I agree children are important but some people seem to be forgetting who is the adult. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/20/2008 7:10:33 AM | >>>>>I have dated a few women that have kids and the amazing thing is that in almost >every case, they expect me to accept their children, but they are unwilling to do the >same in return. I have no problem giving space and time for women to spend time >with their kids...I think that is fantastic. However, it doesn't seem to be a two way >street...at least not with the women I've dated. The complications of having children >are that there are times when I have to/want to spend time with my kids and they >with me. That may sometimes include that person and sometimes not. I don't >understand why this is something that the women I've dated can not understand. I >realize they want to be #1, feel special and all, but sometimes they can't be."
That attitude turns me off. I don't have kids. I have met a few women who wanted to date me and had kids but admittted up front that they would not date a man who had kids. The way it hits me is, it's ok for her to be #1 in his life but perfectly ok for him to be far lower than that in hers. It's fine for him to have to deal with an ex and kids and all the complications that come with them that he didn't create, but she expects a clean slate. At least that's how it comes across to me.
I suppose everyone is entitled to their preferences, but at the same time those preferences can sometimes appear as double standards and put a person in a less favorable light among some others. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/23/2008 7:45:20 AM | Then just dont date women who has kids...Then you will have no complian la...
Kids for woman is very important if she has kids...even she loves u to death, you and her kids will be the same position in her heart...
women with no kids then you will be No 1 for her... | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/23/2008 8:01:32 AM | It really is hard when both people have kids. IMO not because they shouldn't make time but because no 2 people parent the same. It seems this is a bigger source of difficulties.
I have an awesome 14 yo son and I am too strict with him in some ways and too leanient with him in other ways. I know that but it doesn't mean I will change or that I want it to be constantly pointed out.
Its hard enough to be a parent or date a parent combine the 2 and its a hard road. | |
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bosox5
| | Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/29/2008 4:38:21 PM | | I'm probably going to get shot for this theory but here goes: I think women with children are protective of their own( I saw this as a step child),Not to say some or most won't accept another's children(had an ex-wife who said .."no way,even though she ad 3").HER children are important (more important) to her in a biological sense.Nothing stands in the way of a mother protecting her kids....NOTHING!!!! Think of the animal world.Also nothing is absolute either(thinking of the animal world) Depends on their family orientation,how much tolerance they have and capacity to love. I've met many women with kids who want a guy to accept theirs but absolutely wouldn't date a man w/ children,then also known some that had the "big happy family theory"and were just fine with it. I just think MOST would prefer not too...Not all. | |
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bosox5
| | Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/29/2008 4:42:47 PM | | I got news for you Eight....Have you seen what's going on today? For the most part and in some ways,men are the "discarded" species.Heck they don't need us any more.They can do almost everything we can do except produce sperm,find a donor for that......We are the less valued species! LOL! Funny if you really think about it ,you'll see it! | |
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bosox5
| | Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/29/2008 4:47:11 PM | | My sentiments exactly! That's how it is and how it should be too! Unfortunately if you marry someone with kids that's what your going to deal with....That's why it's hard to date(even less time).Of course you can't put the cart before the horse so......Don't date them until the kids are older,if bieng second is an issue(some people are fine with it) | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/29/2008 5:19:44 PM | That depends on the person, uturn. I dated a man who had two small children--significantly younger than my child who was old enough to spend short periods of time on her own. I will willing to accept that he had greater responsibilitites and take on that responsibility myself. However, our attitudes to childrearing were totally different. The first time I met his children he brought them to my home, and they ran through all the rooms--looking in the fridge, the drawers and cupboards, in all the bedrooms, and he simply watched. There is NO way that I would ever allow my child to go through someone else's home that way. His son at the playground, ran through the sprinklers (which is great!) and then chased the groundskeeper (a complete stranger), slapping him with his wet tshirt. The Dad did not intervene until I told him to go get his child and not let him behave that way.
The problem was not that he had children, but that our ideas of how kids should behave and disciplining them was not compatible.
Nutt | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/30/2008 5:55:15 PM | I won't a date that won't put his kids before me. They are KIDS, they NEED us, they are innocent, and they are our responsibility. They can't fend for themselves without us... how the hell can people not understand this?
BTW NO one has ever met mine. Yet. Maybe some day. | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:31:00 PM | | I actually enjoy dating men who have children. They understand how your plans can change at a moments notice! I do have a rule that I dont introduce my daughter to men that I start dating. Unless we have been together for a while. I dont want to confuse her or her being hurt if she gets close and it doesnt work out with us adults. I actually had a dad decide not to date me cause he wanted us to get together for the first time with all our kids together. I understand his reasonings...........but just dont happen to agree with it ......To each their own! | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 9/30/2008 10:49:35 PM | "She told me just because I have my own kids doesn't mean I want to deal with someone elses kids. "
I must concur with the woman who said this. It is a misconception that all women with children want to or should be willing to take on someone else's children. My desire to date a man who has no children or much older children stems from a relationship that I had several years ago. He had a child (younger than mine) who had been raised completely different from my son. No structure, no boundaries. It was horrendous. It ended badly. It was at that point I decided my preference would be to date someone who didn't have kids.
My observations are....the person you date will never love your child as you love your child and vice versa. There will be conflict when you discipline your child in a way they don't agree with....either because they don't think you did enough or they think you were too hard. They rarely understand why your child comes first. Having to deal with an ex puts a lot of strain on the relationship, no matter how well you get along. Unless the children are very secure in their relationship with both biological parents, the new additions to the family can be a HUGE threat to them.
Lastly, I really have no desire to "raise" someone else's child. That isn't my job. Just as I do not want some guy I date to be responsible for my child. Some people think I am selfish. I chose to believe I am realistic. Most blended families do not end up like the Brady Bunch.
Of course there are exceptions to everything. It would work with the right woman or man and a lot of counseling.
Just my 2 cents! | |
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| Children - the double standard
Posted: 10/1/2008 10:10:20 AM | OP.....Uturn1,
This is one of the HUGE pitfalls between a custodial dad and a joint custody mom. When dating, the dad is expected to reserve time for her every other weekend which doesn't always work with your family time and kid's extracurricular activites ESpecially when dating two moms.....the back and forth's will drag you down!
She also has experienced the back and forths and being the natural caregiver, thus wants to make sure of her kids first so when that doesn't happen, NEXT! | |
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jj6364
| | Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| Children - the double standard
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:20:15 AM | | I have to agree !!! Kids first, bf,gf second. My kids are teenagers but I see how it rips their heart out when my ex puts his girlfriend first (almost every weekend)!!!! I try to keep my personal life at a distance to them and only let the special men intertwine in our life. The same goes for the guy I date, his family must come first!!! To me this shows how a long term relationship could be a maker or a breaker!! If they don't understand this then they are selfish and not needed in OUR life . Its not just me its Us!!! | |
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