| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:24:32 PM | There are a lot of threads about people ending up in a physically or mentally abusive relationship. For the most part, usually the abuser ends up being left , because most agree that they can not change unless they want to. My question is, do most abusers just keep going through victims until they find one that puts up with it in the long term. Do they just keep changing partners? Or do they eventually as they age end up alone?
In some cases, I have seen where they finally meet their match and either getting it back or
end up in jail, so they decide that they need to change because they can`t get away with it any more. I have seen a few abusers stopping when they have a partner that is tough enough and threatens to really do something about it if they don`t cut it out.
Just wondering what other people have seen and where do these broken people end up?
I would think if they all ended up alone, it would only make sense that the older you got, the dating scene would end up with a higher and higher percentage of them, so you would really need to watch out for this personality in older dating. What do you think? | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:47:46 PM | Most abusers come from abusive homes themselves growing up. They were shown by example that it is "ok" to be abusive towards another human being, thus, in their reality, they see it as acceptable behavior.
Mental abuse i see a gray area and over-used term. What is a true definitive explanation of Mental abuse?
name calling? being mean?
If that is the case, then a kid calling me a dummy in grade school would constitute mental abuse, give me a break!
i personally see 95% of all "mental abuse" as nothing more than a coup out to get out of a marriage under the "irreconcilable differences" clause which is very broad....it allows folks to get a divorce because they don't agree on how high Microsoft stock is going to rise tomorrow...i am being serious...most ridiculous thing i ever heard of.
abusers(physically) just have problems in the way they were raised more or less. IMO | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:59:48 PM | | Yes, they end up alone with their problem. Only one person can decide if they are an abuser and actually make a difference on the issue. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:03:47 PM | In my opinion...
No, abusers usually do not "end up alone".
They have the ability to pick up on the radar from a victim's mentality.
Zoom in and begin a relationship with them.
Over and over, new people, if need be.
| |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:05:30 PM | | And they continue to find victims who are alone with their problem as well. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:08:15 PM | Good question! I think age does nice things for people and as we get older we figure out our true priorities. I've worked with victims of DV and been one myself. While I do believe some people are just mean and get a kick out of bullying others, I think most abusers have a very sad history.
Eventually people figure out that you get back what you put out and when they hit their rock bottom they start to work on themselves. Sometimes an abuser can find a partner who will put up with it for the long term - there really are people out there who are comfortable in that kind of drama. Sometimes they gain the insight to see the cycle for what it is and for one reason or another - jail, failed relationships, loss of a child's respect, whatever, they stop. Once they start to realize they do want healthier relationships they start to change. Either they become nicer, get therapy or numb themselves with alcohol or drugs.
Now, no theory is 100% correct, but I really believe you have a greater chance of finding yourself in an abusive relationship at 20 than at 30 and at 30 than at 40, etc. I think that to maintain the drama and control of an abusive relationship as we age takes a lot of energy from our lives. A 50 year old abuser will probably not have good relationships with their children, probably not engage in volunteer activities, probably not engage in much give and take conversations, not be open minded.
As I've aged I've gotten stronger as a person - I know myself better, I'm stronger in my convictions, I'm more trustworthy and honest. I think that self awareness and security makes me more open minded and tolerant because I'm not threatened. Not to say nobody becomes more rigid, but I see a lot of people growing and learning and retaining their curiosity as they assess their true personal happiness (or lack of) and the reasons for that.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit. To really answer your question - yes, I think we absolutely do have to watch out for abusers in our lives, but I believe we're at greater risk when we're young. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:08:58 PM | | lol, i always love when people bash "abusers". most people who end up abusing the ones they love have likely been abused themselves. we automatically assume that the victim becomes the criminal when they decide to hurt others, but nobody ever seems to bash the willing victims that perpetuate the cycle of the abuser. do abusers end up alone? do abusers *always* abuse? or do they just end up in that cycle when they unknowingly end up with a "victim" who allows such disrespect to take place in the first place, and then they end up feeding off of it until one of them calls it quits. by that logic, you could stretch it to the point where there are victims walking around looking for an abuser. victims are as, or even more dysfunctional than abusers. that's how i see it anyways, because the victim is looking to be hurt, whereas the abuser is merely looking for a loving, lasting relationship, and they end up ignoring the signs of a victim until its too late, and the victim has pulled things out of the deepest part of their minds that they may have not even been aware of. | |
|
| |
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:31:49 PM | | a 43 year old who uses a stripper name, that's also sad... what's really sad is that i think that this is the 100th or so time that i've heard someone refer to my screen name, instead of actually forming an intellectual response to my opinion. that really is sad. wow... sad... ha, i get it! you're so quick. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:37:21 PM | ^^^^^Wowsad^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Amazing explanation from an abusers standpoint as to how it is the victim`s fault!
Really unbelievable that anyone would have that mindset of that it is the victim`s fault because they are asking for it. I wonder at what point this thinking would stop. The hospital? murder? Are people asking for their bones to be broken, be sworn at,
be killed. It is really scary to think that people like this are actually out walking around in the real world, assuming that if you get away with treating people like crap, they have asked for it. But I do believe that there are alot out there like this. This is why it is so scary even attempting to date, because of the mindset that if you are tolerant or not tough enough you deserve what you get. Really , really scary, but true. Thank you so much for responding. It`s all very sad.
Whenever a thread about abuse ends up on the forums, it is amazing how many people come on in support of abusive behavior---which is in fact a criminal offense.
I personally don`t give a crap how much you have been through. Every individual has the responsibility to break the cycle. You aren`t entitled to become an abuser because you have been abused. That is just crap and a wimp`s way out. My personal definition of a real man has nothing to do with beating the crap out of his woman or kids and scaring the crap out of them. That is a monster, not a man. | |
|
iris43
|
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:42:34 PM | | I sure would hope they would end up alone.....because men/woman that don't know how to give back of themselves should be alone. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:45:36 PM |
Every individual has the responsibility to break the cycle.
do you go as far as thinking that victims are responsible for breaking the cycle, and they should work on preventing themselves from being with "abusers" also? or is that just up to the abuser to break the cycle.
i have 2 friends, katie and calin. i hang out at a pretty grungy bar, full of older alcoholic scumbags. my friend bartends there, so i go down there a lot to make sure she's ok. katie 10 times out of 10, ends up in a conversation about something, a conversation she doesn't want to have, with somebody she doesn't want to be talking to. calin on the other hand, i've never seen her ever talk to anybody there, and i don't think that anybody would approach her just because of her body language. both are equally attractive, equally sized... even down to the blonde hair. some people just have it in them to be in situations that they don't want to be in. more importantly, some people just avoid those situations.
you can blame the "abusers" all you want, but the point of my post was not to defend them, but was to place some blame on the victims as well. you can only be hurt as much as you allow somebody to hurt you, and at this point in time, we have companies that are donating cellphones to abused women, because they KNOW THEY WILL GO BACK. victims have to be responsible for their own actions also. knowledge is power, freedom is power, self respect is power, independence is power. these are some of the attributes that victims need to have, to prevent themselves from getting into abusive relationships in the first place. these same attributes will also help them get out of that relationship. its not just the "abusers" fault. its not like we're talking about people who beat up crippled children or anything. we're talking about 2 adults, in an adult relationship, where one isn't being treated the way they would like to be, but isn't doing enough about it to stop the mistreatment. who do you blame? the abuser? yeah, that mentality is why these people stay. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:48:40 PM | Wowsad I usually have no problem with your posts and frequently agree with them but this is too much...
"victims are as, or even more dysfunctional than abusers. that's how i see it anyways, because the victim is looking to be hurt, whereas the abuser is merely looking for a loving, lasting relationship, and they end up ignoring the signs of a victim until its too late, and the victim has pulled things out of the deepest part of their minds that they may have not even been aware of."
With your logic I as a 10 year old who was very sheltered before that time, lured my moms husband to molest me. How on earth does that make sence?
And yes there is also such a thing as mental abuse. Its usually used first to slowly break a person down before the rest of the abuse starts.
I did but it wasn't clear what abusers the Op was going off of and his initial post was the one I was responding to.
I agree adults need to pick up and leave if they are in an abusive relationship, but in some cases they don't think they can. Fear is a powerful thing and terror is even worse.
Not all abuse cases are cut and dried simple. And minds can eventually break.
As far as the garbage that people abused as children become abusers, I say BS everyone has the free will to make thier own choices on thier behavior.
Wow your friend that collects all the wierdos in the bar has a magnet for freaks. I bet she's a nice person and smiles at people and doesn't immediately put out the bitch flag when someone tries to talk to her right? I'm the same way. And let me tell you there all kinds of freaks out there to watch out for. On that same topic are women supposed to act like bitches everytime we leave the house to prevent some one from getting us?
Sorry this is kinda all over the place. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:51:49 PM | Blue, if you reread his post he was talking about adults not children
| |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:54:46 PM | I don't think they do...
Obviously, abusers have figured out how to get into relationships. Some women will continue to chose them. I've seen posts about women dating guys who went to jail on these forums alone and I think WTF - how the hell does that guy have a date when I have noone.
So no - I have zero confidence that it is the abusers that wind up alone. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:58:14 PM | | assuming we are talking about adults now... you are absolutely correct that the victim plays a very significant role in an abusive relationship. of course, 50% of the cycle is someone who is willing to put up with the abuse. people return to an abusive relationship because they are either unwilling or unable to recognize their own responsibility for allowing that pattern of behavior to continue. there are very, very strong subconscious drives related to that. that's why they get cell phones... it isn't a solution but it can be a life line in an emergency. in the same way, abusers are also just as unwilling or unable to admit their responsibility. but they actually have to carry more of it, because they are the perpetrators. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:58:14 PM | OP....
despite my "stripper" screen name"...i am a psychiatric professional who has worked with both victims and offenders of domestic violence (i work for a law enforcement agency).
and, although i am capable of forming intelligent opinions; sometimes i just "don't wanna".
i can tell you that the "abusers" that are in jails/ prisons are alone when they are in solitary confinement anyway!!! | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:02:29 PM |
but was to place some blame on the victims as well. you can only be hurt as much as you allow somebody to hurt you, and at this point in time, we have companies that are donating cellphones to abused women, because they KNOW THEY WILL GO BACK.
Wowsad, I too am surprised. What you see to be proposing is that ALL the blame be placed on the victims.
And cell phones are given to abused women because ALL TOO OFTEN, their abusive partner STALKS them and attempts to find opportunities to beat them into submission. It's not because anybody"knows they will go back. Personally I think women who've been abused should be given a loaded handgun, instructions on how to use it, and PERMISSION to use it without fear of legal prosecution should they be stalked, cornered or threatened by their abuser. Now there would be the ULTIMATE scenario of the victim taking responsibility for preventing further abuse...is THAT what you'd like to see, wowsad??
Cindy O | |
|
iris43
|
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:08:47 PM | When it comes to adult relationships I have to agree wth WOWSAD victims have to take responsibilty for the relationships they choose. These woman that allow bad things to happen are usually co-dependent types or people pleasers (which is an illness and need to be treated), usually have been raised in an abusive back ground or with one or both parents who were alocoholic/ drug addicts but not always.
These woman on some level don't feel loveable and are looking for acceptance, they choose these toxic relationshps to get that for themselves. There somethng in the abuser that is attractive to them at first, usually I'm going to love and fix him he will then magically change into my knight in shining armour.When they don't change and abuse gets worse physical for some mental for a lot....they retreat into victim when they were just as sick as the abuser to begin with. They may not have known they were sick, some woman just love too much even its for the wrong person because of the programs that were printed on their brain as young children. Any type of therapy the woman would soon learn of her illness and get treatment for it so she can make healthier choices for herself.
This may not be the case in 100% of bad relationships but I would certainly take as stab and say it is a lot, probably more the 75%. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:11:18 PM | Abusers would end up alone if the victim supply would dry up.
Sadly, that's just not going to happen. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:26:11 PM | | Unless you lived in the shoes you have NO CLUE what goes through the "victims" mind. My parents, although divorced, were NOT alcoholics, druggies, or abusive. Neither were my ex's parents. My ex was great in the beginning, but after 6 years I was getting slaps across the face, and being shoved into doors and counters. It is so much easier to just say "leave them" I love how the victims always end up the ones to be blamed. No my ex isn't alone, he found another victim, he is all sweet and nice to her now, but it will wear off eventually. I sure in hell did not going into a marriage with the plans to "allow bad things to happen" It's this warped thinking of blaming the victim that makes it so difficult for many to get out. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:49:15 PM |
victims are as, or even more dysfunctional than abusers. that's how i see it anyways, because the victim is looking to be hurt, whereas the abuser is merely looking for a loving, lasting relationship, and they end up ignoring the signs of a victim until its too late, and the victim has pulled things out of the deepest part of their minds that they may have not even been aware of. You DO realize what you have done here, correct?
You have painted the abuser as a VICTIM.. the irony of your above statement is staggering  | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:50:37 PM | Yeah, the heck of it is that abusers are usually awesome in the beginning and slowly "slide" into worse and worse behavior to test boundaries. The "victim" may only make the mistake as giving their partner the benefit of the doubt, or allowing moodiness, blaming a bad day at work, etc. The abuser slowly increases these behaviors, first starting out with sharp words, then covert little digs, then name calling, then cursing , then eventually it goes into physical violence. The victim sometimes is desensitized to this as the progression is so slow, may take years until it gets to the physical point.
So no, I don`t think a victim is always looking for it. The problem is that there is a very high percentage of abusers who have always gotten away with abuse at least to
some extent. Understanding and identifying very early warning signals is crucial. Any aggression, even if not directed toward you, inappropriate temper or anger of any type, will eventually be turned on their partner. The secret is to identify this personality type within the first date or two, which can be tricky, but is often possible if you are really on guard. The only way to protect yourself from an abusive situation is to get out early at the first sign of an aggressive angry personality type before a relationship even gets a chance to develop. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:54:06 PM | My father was mentally abusive to my mom, on a pretty severe level. She divorced him and he met another woman who was stronger than my mother. She doesn't allow it and they have been married 30 years.
I think you have to define what you mean by abuse. I find my mother to be too tolerant of other people's behavior. My father can be overbearing - I know that all too well, but I think he understands where other people draw their lines.
I personally have never dated an abusive person - so if the percentage in the dating population is rising, I think I would have hit upon one by now...I have dated losers in all other aspects, but never one who was abusive. | |
|
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/13/2008 3:30:58 PM | I had a similar experience. My dad was both verbally and physically abusive to my mom. They eventually divorced, and then he married again. About a month into it,
the new couple came over to visit and my dad had a broken nose of unknown origin. I figure I know what happened. He is still married to her after 25 years. Although he is still a jerk to me and my sister, he seems to be happily married.
My point is that I think some abusive people, you just have to hold a really hard line with and let them know that they aren`t going to get away with it. They only respect those that they know can beat them at their own game. Anotherwords, The only way they can respect you is if you call them on it and treat them exactly as they have proven themselves to be, worthless. It`s all very sad. | |
|
Home
login 
