| | 29 years old and never been on a date.Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | Should I even bother trying to date now ? I'm starting to feel like it's a hopeless lost cause anyway. I couldn't even ask a woman out on a date if I tried. I've never been very social and I have a really hard time talking to people so right now I have zero friends. Anyone have any ideas how I could solve this? | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:39:04 PM | You might have some sort of social disorder that needs treatment. Having fun and being social should be somewhat natural. That leads to dating.
Have you looked into Asperger's Syndrome (form of autism). | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:45:00 PM | hey first issue seems to be your self esteem! you should try to do things to improve the way you feel about yourself. maybe go to the gym or go to a place you know you are bound to meet someone. don't let life pass you because your nervous. fiqure out what you want and go for it! You know your not the only shy loner out there! if you see someone sitting by themselves just strike up a conversation it will get easier with time i promise!! good luck!  | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:58:22 PM | | Well goldenjoe, since your reaching out, how about you elaborate. There are no hopeless causes, just problems we haven't faced. So talk to us, tell us more we can help. What happened in school? No girls at all in your life? In stead of us speculating, tell us more. Bob | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:37:31 PM | | There is more than one thing that's wrong with you. Don't ask here for advise, get off the computer and seek professional help. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:38:38 PM | Throw in the towel, have the coach take you out!
Your too late! The cut off is 28 1/2.. Sorry you missed the boat!
Start collecting cats! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:43:21 PM | | Depends on whether you really want someone in your life, it's all up to you. Try toastmasters, it's not all about public speaking. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:03:31 PM | It is never too late! :)
Break into the social scene slowly....take a class(one that would be like a hobby interest)you'll get better interaction. Do volunteer work.
First start conversing with people that you feel comfortable with....it doesn't have to nec'ly mean striking up conversations with the opposite right away....get into the mode of small chit chat with anyone in different settings. Focus LESS on YOURSELF and more on the other person...ask questions.
And don't feel bad if it takes a bit before you notice results.....
Set goals...like you will strike up small talk with one person per day....it's just called "practicing" :)
Good luck!! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:20:39 PM | Dude, I feel for you. IMHO you need to do something about this now. So, number one is to get out of your house. It doesn't matter where you go as long as there are people there.
Second, you have to talk to people. Just walk up to someone and say something like "Wow, it sure is hot today" or something. Come up with something you can use over and over so you won't have to think about it.
Go out tomorrow and do this with ten differant people. That's all. Just a few words.
Here's what will happen. Some people will think you are strange and others will answer you. Forget the ones that don't want to talk. As for the ones that do, you'll have to come up with something else to keep things rolling. It won't come right away. But, I'll bet after you chat up ten girls you have more to say.
Being social is a skill. You can learn it! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:25:30 AM | Goldenjoe,
You should do what the others have suggested before me if you can. If you find yourself simply unable to be social in the ways they have suggested in real time, then start with your profile here. "Prefer not to say" is not a popular way to answer the various specifics being asked of you. Revamp your profile. Get your mom or someone to take some good, close up pics of you by yourself in a pleasant outdoor or indoor setting. Write something witty and creative or get someone to write something for you stating what you're looking for. Work on the profile by looking at other people's profiles that you admire. Don't copy their words but come up with something similar using your own.
Now start reading the boards here and start posting and interacting with others, especially after you get your new pics up on this profile. If you start interacting with others through this venue enough, you'll get up the nerve to actually start messaging girls on here and from there, it should lead into real life confidence whereby you begin asking for a date.
There are many other things that you can do as well, but this is a good start. If you're serious, do what I've said. You must start somewhere. After you've done all of the above, if you still need help, message me.
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:23:13 AM | Might have something like social anxiety or depression. You should talk to your doctor. There is help out there.
Meeting new people is fun and interesting. Plus you get to have sex with some of them. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:04:52 AM | A famous psychologist once said, “we are all controlled by our fears” You are not alone. We all have our fears. Some of us are better at hiding them than others. We have all put up defensive systems to protect us from things that have happened to us when we were younger. Some of us are aggressive, some passive, some passive-aggressive. I believe you have put up a defensive system around yourself to protect yourself. You have done this totally subconsciously. At one time in your life, a friend, acquaintance, or family member said something or did something to hurt you. You learned that it is better not to seek out friends than risk being hurt again. This is a normal response. There is nothing wrong with you. You have developed a fear of making friends, as a response to your past. It is the fearful Joe inside that holds you back when an opportunity arises to make a friend.
There are things you can do. First of all knowledge is power. You have to learn about this fear. Know it. Understand it. Where it started. I know it is powerful. You have to understand that it is overprotection to let this fear be in control. At the same time, you have to nurture and give power to the confident Joe that is inside waiting to come forward. When the fear comes forward, you have to tell yourself this: “its ok, confident Joe is here now. Confident Joe will make sure nothing happens to hurt us.” I know it sounds silly, but this does work. Then you have to be bold. Boldness is powerful. Take that chance. Talk to that girl or guy. What is the worst that can happen. Sometimes it helps to write down what the worst case scenario is if you take a chance and ask a girl out. Write down what is the worst thing that can happen and then ask yourself if that is something you can live with. If rejection is the worst that can happen, then you need to accept the fact that you might be rejected. But you have to keep taking chances. You will not be rejected all the time. I bet it will not even be half the time. Keep going. Keep growing. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:03:43 AM | Start by writing a better profile. Dude, the first step is realizing that you got a problem. Second step is going at it and understand that it's all in your head. But remember that Rome was not build overnight.
So start by reading all you can to improve yourself. Then go out and start talking to people. No, you do not have to be the center of the party, but make a list of your interest, then find people with those interest. You will also find that there are women with those interest as well, then go talk to them. Say hello, ask them why they like that stuff. Go from there. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:29:05 AM | I used to be very shy and now I'm very sociable and I have lots of good friends in my real life. How? I helped myself. You're not a lost cause but if you do not help yourself by taking action you will be alone forever. It's as simple as that. You have to get out there. So first figure out if this is a problem you could fix yourself or if you need to speak to a counsellor. If you do have a big enough problem that you can't fix yourself and you act like a big baby about it and refuse to get help then don't expect any results. You should expect to stay friendless and dateless as a result. There's nothing wrong with seeking help if you need it. I am not saying you do because only you know that.
I personally joined a couple of clubs and that got me out of the house and meeting more people. I think the first thing you should focus on is making new friends. Because friends can introduce you to people or take you places and that can lead to meeting potential dates. Plus it will give you practice at talking to people and getting to know them which is exactly what you will need when you eventually look for a date. Even if you don't think you'd enjoy something have a go anyway! Better to give it a go and hate it than be stuck in every night of the week feeling lonely. And you can always give something else a go if it doesn't work. In the meantime you've got out and met people and that's a bonus. You could even go to a local POF meeting :)
Also definitely try revamping your profile. Making yourself seem approachable will draw people to you. Your 'About Me' section looks really weird! It doesn't say anything about you as a person and it made me think you were a screaming weirdo when I read it. Sorry, I'm just being honest so don't hate me for it. The 'prefer not to say' makes it seem like you have something dodgy to hide. That'd put anybody off too. Be open and honest in your profile so people can get a true idea of who you are. If you lie, you're only cheating yourself.
Instead tell people about yourself. Your interests and personality would be a good start.
Check out the help with profile section of these forums to help you write something up. Also put a couple of good clear photos up. Don't take silly close ups or anything like that. Make sure you have whole head shots and one or two full body shots.
Good luck! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:33:42 AM | OP you have some pretty good advice here so I'm not sure what I can add. I won't go as far as saying you have aspergers but definitely self esteem issues. I checked your profile and it leaves me with pretty much nothing to go on. NO pictures, nothing about who you are, Prefer not to say for almost every answer. If this is how your presenting yourself in real life then it's no wonder you don't make many friends.
Figure out a few things about who you are and build on that. Do you like animals, art, reading, cars, movies? Put something in there but don't create some fantasy personna that isn't really you either. Describe a little more about maybe your dreams or goals.
Start going through other men's profiles and get an idea of how to create your own, go to profile review forum. Again don't create a fake you, make it your own. Of course if your not on the site for anything more then the forums and getting advice for real life interaction that isn't a big deal, though it's good practice in expressing who you are.
OK, now for the harsh part.... If your on here just for attention then your considered a troll (I think that's the right word), if your here just for sympathy and pity, again trolling. Somehow I don't think that's the case and if I am correct then the advice everyone has given you will be put to good use.
A few other things - join some support groups, social anxiety support groups would probably help you alot. Find a hobby or activity or class at your Parks Department that will give you something to do at the same time get you interacting with others while building your self esteem.
Sitting behind a computer isn't the answer, though you can get some help in online groups, here in the forums and similiar things. They don't replace real life though so you need to put things you learn into action. And maybe right now working on making friends is more important then dating. Building some social skills first.
Good Luck OP.  | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:50:14 AM | #1) POF will not get you a date (well VERY LOW CHANCE - I've been here 4 years and met two people. If it's important to ya, pay for e-harmony or even a matchmaking service)
#2) Dates are relatively easy to get, it's relationships that are hard.
#3) Honestly, dude, counselling.
For friends, try joining groups from meetup.com. It's done wonders for my social life.
Good luck! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:51:27 AM | Op I used to be like you..........EXACTLY like you when I was 29. I was never on a date & I never had a GF.
One thing that helped me get over my inability to talk to women, not that I'm a pro at talking to women now, but the thing that helped me was I went into radio broadcasting & I was on the radio for a while. Now radio may not be your thing, but just by talking more, whether to people or just talking by yourself, which is basically what you're doing when you're on the radio, you'll be able to talk to people easier.
I wouldn't worry if I were you. You'll be alright. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:04:09 AM | Keep going!!! You might be able to break a record if you reach 100 years and no dates!
Screw love who cares about that when you could break a guiness RECORD!! | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:50:34 PM | | The reason why the profile is like that is because I didn't know what to say so I just fill it with one of my favorite quotes. I have a really hard time talking about myself. | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:58:17 PM |
The reason why the profile is like that is because I didn't know what to say so I just fill it with one of my favorite quotes. I have a really hard time talking about myself.
Do you have hobbies? Why not list what you like to do in your free time?
There are more ideas in these forums that will help you with writing your profile so take a look at them. Also look at other people's profiles and see the types of things they write and then incorporate some of that into your own (making sure you stay true to yourself of course.) | |
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| 29 years old and never been on a date.
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:33:56 PM |
#1) POF will not get you a date (well VERY LOW CHANCE - I've been here 4 years and met two people. If it's important to ya, pay for e-harmony or even a matchmaking service)
#2) Dates are relatively easy to get, it's relationships that are hard.
#3) Honestly, dude, counselling.
 Dont even get me started with eharmony with me.
www.meetup.com has a good group for shy/anxiety people
www.meetin.org
http://torontolinkup.com
www.newcomersclub.com
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