| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:51:46 AM | I figured this would be the best spot for this thread. Someone who I care deeply for buried her child yesterday. He was 27 and an adult, but still her child. I wont go into detail how it happened because it doesn't matter. She is a phenominal mother and there is nothing that she could have done to avoid it. You always hear that a parent should not bury there child, and although I dont have any children myself, I cant imagine anything worse. I think saying that it is devistating would be putting it mildly.
The reason I wanted to write this thread was to tell some of the people on here that no matter what you are going through, there is always someone who is hurting more. Whether you have a broken heart from a relationship, suffering from low self esteem, or feel like you will never be happy, just remember that it could be worse. If you have your health, family and friends, cherish it everyday when you wake up because you just never know when you are going to lose it. For anyone who doesn't understand why you see "my kids come first" on profiles, maybe you WILL now. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:44:50 AM | i always thank my lucky stars
god bless the mom
sandra x | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:53:32 AM | Just when you dont' think it can get worse... take a breath becasue it can. Deal with issues one at an time. It is not always what happens or not it is how you deal with it or how you handle it. And yes, always look around and you can always find some one that has it worse.
Sadly enough our pain is all internal. We feel it alone. Our hate is also only felt by us alone.
I have had horrible things happen as so much out of my control but with very good friends that love me.....well time just ticks away and I do see others with sad things to deal with and no friends.
Make friends and just be a good person to others and to yourself.
Our kids are the future. We should never forget that. | |
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cedge
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Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 5 | |
| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:02:56 PM | | Thank you for your wonderful and thoughtful post. You are so right. May God bless you and your dear friend. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:23:10 PM | We all get so wrapped up in our daily lives, and it's easy to feel crappy, sad, want more, judge others. But for myself, even though I've been through many hard times, I don't ever forget, someone out there has it a lot worse than I do. Especially in this situation, even though I had a nephew die at 14, and it hurt me immensely, I still cannot image what it would be like to lose my child, and my children are adults now also, but I cannot imagine anything anymore difficult than the death of your own child, to go through. My mother died in Nov., and what would have been her birthday, will be tomorrow, and I am immensely sad right now, and it has hurt me very much, and even though I loved her with all my heart, I still don't think it can compare to losing your own child, so even though I am very sad at the moment, I do know it could be worse.
I hate hearing stories like this, but I can totally empathize with the pain they must be going through. Just makes my heart hurt. Wish I could make everyone's pain go away, but of course no one can do that.
Just be there for her. I can tell that you are hurt by this also, and I am sorry you have to go through this too. Take care.
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:23:32 PM | | You are right,there is nothing worse than a parent burying their child. My heart goes out to your friend. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:24:36 PM | That has to be the most horrible feeling imaginable and yet, just as you said ... it can always be worse.
Thank you for sharing and my prayers are with your friend right now. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:28:28 PM | The very thought I've had all day today....perspectives on suffering. I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. Those I've known, including my own sister, who have lost a child....the suffering is truly immeasurable.
A good friend of mine has just had to make the terrible decision to remove her husband from life support after a long, brave battle with brain cancer. Only a few months ago, she buried her ex-husband who committed suicide, and was found by their son. There has been more news of those who are facing terrible loss just these past couple of weeks....it puts a new perspective on personal 'annoyances.'
Recently I've been stressed with some situations at work that have had an impact on my health and happiness....they look a little different today....not the same at all....
May we remember to count our blessings each day we are well enough to get up and out and about whatever the day may bring to us....and may we remember those who are suffering and in need. The best way to deal with our own dissatisfactions is often to reach out to another who is truly hurting....
Thanks for this post | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:39:15 PM | Please pass on my deepest sympathies to your friend, even though neither of you know me, I have been in the shoes of many parents whom have either lost a child or came very close to it. It is a pain that never goes away and still brings tears to my eyes when I think of how close we were to losing our 7 year old daughter. I am thankful for what I have and never take light of what is ahead of me.
God Bless | |
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gb300
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Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:40:43 PM | Whenever I have a bad day, I try to say, 'it could have been worse. My toilet didnt overflow or I didnt have a flat', or something of that nature. Now I can be thankful my child didnt die today. Although I dont like making myself feel better by comparing my problems to the worse problems of someone else, I do understand your view.
My sympathies to you and your friend. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:08:38 PM | HELLO, BLUEYEDBALDMAN....
I AM SENDING PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOUR FRIEND AT THE LOSS OF HER CHILD.
MAY YOU FIND PEACE, COMFORT AND STRENGTH DURING THIS TIME OF TEARS AND SADDNESS. HE KNOWS OUR PAIN AND HE WILL GET US THROUGH OUR LOSSES.
ALTHOUGH I CAN'T FEEL YOUR PAIN AS I DO MINE I CAN FEEL THE TRAMA WELL.
I LOST MY SIX YEARS OLD GRANDSON IN APRIL OF 2003, MY FIANCE IN JAN, 2005 , MY BROTHER IN JAN. 2004 AND MY MOM ONE MONTH LATER BUT I HAVE OVERCOME THE PAIN AND TEARS WITH GODS' HELP & LOVE. HE (WILL) GET YOUR FRIEND THRU THIS!
PEACE AND TRANQUILITY FOR YOUR FRIEND AND YOU. STAND BY HER BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU ARE THERE. ***CHERI*** | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:06:08 PM | Most people don't even have to look very far or hard to find someone that is worse off than they are, they just don't bother to see what's in front of them.
It is sucky watching this situation because, what do you say? Let your friend know that you are there for her and keep an eye on her for depression and other self-destructive behaviors. Trying to help keep her busy is also a good thing as well as encouraging her to get some grief counseling.
You know her, trust your instincts when it might be a good time to ask if she has had any counseling or what she is doing to try to celebrate his life. One thing you can tell her if she seems fixated and not making any progress months down the road is that it would be disrespectful to focus all of herself on that one moment rather than his whole life, to forget all of the wonderful times and remember him only in death instead of focusing on remembering him how he lived.
Other than that, as others have noted, time will eventually start to heal. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:20:23 PM | I applaud your OP blueeyedbaldman, and mostly agree with sentiments posted in response.
But IMO 'it could be worse' doesnt really matter to me when I need to reflect or get upset about occurrences in my life. In no way do my feelings lessen other's suffering but neither will my not thinking about my situation lessen theirs either. Sometimes one has to grieve or worry or fret just to think a situation thru completely.... to get to the other side of it... doesnt make it less valid because someone else is feeling worse. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:05:12 PM | | You have a good point blueeyed - but pain is all relative. I know it wasn't your intention to do so but posting that story sort of makes the broken hearted seem like their feelings aren't valid. Loosing a love can be as sad as loosing a child. Just a point - not a critisim. Sorry to hear about your friend. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:50:35 PM | Loosing a love for whatever reason can be like mourning a death.. If one of you didn't want to break up and you will not see that person again... You have to still go thru all the stages of grieving. Denial, pain, anger....etc.. while I feel terrible for anyone that has lost someone to death especially a child ... loosing a loved one being it anyway is just as traumatizing .....
I do feel for your friend as I feel for all of those that have broken hearts now and those to come .
Bless you all | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:08:33 PM | Very true, OP. As for a child dying before the parent, perhaps the parent can start a charitable fund in the son's remembrance. Take a negative and turn it into a positive.
It could be for anything that he or she, may have an interest. Start a college fund for sending 1 child through college, buy x amount of PC's per year for a school or a fund to help the homeless or hungry. Turn a tragedy into a way of helping others and the memory of the son.
Just a thought..... Just a thought... | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:16:53 PM | I feel very sad for your friend. My prayers are with her... | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:31:44 PM | hi blueeyed...
thankyou so much for a reality check... when my Brothers' son died, it was the worst anguish a human being could ever feel.... it will not go away, the intensity may change, but the inner-core emptiness is excruciating... Be there, let her talk, let her vent,...and for those that have had someone very close leave you through death, , , the worst thing anybody can do is ignore the person because they "don't know what to say"... hold there hand , GO, just be there.. Like the old James Taylor song says: "Shower The People You love with Love, show them The Way That You Feel. . . ."   | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:39:58 PM | Msg: 17... Wrong terminology used, sorry. This can possibly be used to help in her grief.
May peace, contentment and God be with you all. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:58:01 PM | | blueeyedbaldman you are 100% on target here. 4 months ago very close family members of mine buried their only two children, 10 and 6 from an auto accident. This was definately the most devastating thing that I have ever experienced in my life, so I can't even fathom the pain these two wonderful parents are suffering. My 10 year old son was in the vehicle with them and survived with some serious injuries. He is fine now, but he lost his best friend. The thing is that these are some of the most wonderful people I have ever know, and how they make it through each day is beyound me. You are absolutely right about the fact that no matter what your pain is, there is always someone hurting more. I can assure anyone that all the problems that I thought I had in my life, don't seem like problems anymore, and I have learned a whole new meaning of love and appreciation for those around me. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:06:31 PM | Nothing like some real hurt and pain to put your gold-plated problems in perspective.
Sometimes a good slap upside the head is what takes to make you grateful. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:42:24 PM | Thank you blue and others for your thoughtful posts. Having been through this myself (I lost my 23 year old daughter in 2006), I have a couple of observations.
By all means, reach out to people who are grieving, and keep doing so. Your discomfort is not a good reason to avoid it. Try to avoid getting creative with the sentiments - "everything happens for a reason" and "he/she is better off now" are often not welcome in this situation (and for God's sake, avoid the phrase, "I'd have done 'X' but it was just too hard"- you can't even begin to comprehend the hard things this person has been through during that period when you found it too difficult to call/visit/go to the funeral). Stick with the tried and true "I'm sorry." It is sincere and simple and you can't get off into the weeds.
Likewise, pressure from all sides as to the appropriate timeline for grief or ideas for memorializing a loved one can add to the burden. It might be better to leave ideas for memorials to family or close friends who know the family well.
The time we need to grieve varies wildly from person to person. The timeline for losing a child can be quite different for that of losing a spouse or parent, but generally it is longer. A few months to expect someone to be moving on from any significant loss is probably not enough time.
Grief counseling was a godsend to me, but I could not have handled it any sooner than I did, which was a full year after I lost my daughter. Expectations of when and how someone handles grief add to the feelings of being disconnected from the rest of the world - you're crazy in addition to everything else. Try to be aware of whether 17 other people are also suggesting counseling before adding to the onslaught. Suggest but don't be surprised by negative or even hostile reactions. However irrational it may sound, steps to moving on are equated to forgetting their loved one. The discomfort level of the people around the grieving ones is not a reason to rush this process.
Finally, I've had several people who were having a conversation with me stop and apologize for talking to me about their normal, day to day problems "because you've been through so much worse." First of all, you're allowed your own trials and tribulations, and in your life, they loom just as large as someone else's "bigger" grief. It doesn't hurt to have the perspective that things could be worse, but it isn't fair to have your own troubles constantly belittled either. And the other thing to remember is that it might be a welcome respite to hear about someone else's everyday NORMAL stuff.
Jules | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:01:41 PM | yes, it could be worse. You could accidentally leave your 4 yr old child in the car in the Texas heat while you go in to work. Imagine leaving work and finding your child dead in the car because you forgot he was in the back.
This child died today and was the 2nd child in our area to die like this in 24hrs.
This isn't really the place for this but I cannot get it out of my mind. I can't sleep because all I can think about is how that child suffered in the heat before he died and the torment that mother is feeling. I am literally sick at my stomach. | |
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| It could be worse.
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:59:45 AM | | Thank you everyone for the great responses. I just wanted to add that by no means do I think that having a broken heart or hurting in any kind of way for that matter, is something that I dont relate to or understand. Its just that when I heard this had happened, it put my minor problems into perspective. A broken heart or most problems in our lives is something that can heal in time, or be fixed. This is something that really got me because it is life altering, and I cant even imagine how I could deal with it. I know there are other situations in our lives that also alter our lives, and I am not making light of them. | |
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