| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:41:16 PM | So your typically a nice person, very little drama, seldomly get mad and especially cannot be bothered getting upset over getting dumped, it's just not in you...
Your with someone with a few weeks, months, whatever...
They eventually decide to break it off with you...when you hear the bad news, your visibly upset (not nessecarily crying tho) but all you do is let out a sigh, accept your loss, wish them the best of luck and go on your merry way.
Your ex-partner is totally puzzled and clearly was expecting more "action" or drama.
You continue to live life...keep on keepin' on as they say...and a few weeks later you get a phone call...it's her or him...their asking how you've been, whats new and whether you'd like to go for coffee or something.
Your reluctant and moderately confused...especially when you hear: "The way you dealt with the break up was very relaxing...I want to be with someone like you"
Are they simply jeaous or confused by your calm demeanor and want you back to try and rip you apart again and get some kind of response or do they genuiely wish to be with you and respect the way you deal with otherwise emotional situations.
In this specific story the person dumped was a man and the want trying to rekindle is a woman...
What do YOU do or think? | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:43:59 PM | | To be honest I would think they found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side, they haven't found anyone else. I would tell them "no thank you" I am not setting myself up for disappointment again. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:45:58 PM | | I think it would depend on why they broke it off...although if the reason for coming back was as you stated - that would be really odd! If it was, I made a mistake or I miss you, maybe. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:48:12 PM | IF this person showed little drama during the relationship, then they probably aren't calling on me b/c they are an attention-seeking, drama loving person. So, maybe they couldn't find anything interesting, and have decided to return to what is safe. Especially considering that comment,"you were very relaxing, I want to be around someone like you."
If they couldn't figure that out before they broke up with me...they probably met someone who wasn't so relaxed, thus their sudden desire to find someone who was.
In the end, the question is moot--either you want them back or you don't, and for most people here, they ignore the red flags and take back what they want.  | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:50:40 PM | | Well CanadianBeef, you just described my reaction to breakups. It has been this way with me ever since I started dating as a teenager. I figured that the person was breaking up with me for a reason, so I just left it at that. The majority of the time the girl breaking up expressed there feelings that they couldn't believe I was so laid back about it. The way I looked at it, there would always be someone else down the road. I had a few call me back, but I was already with someone else or did not want to pursue the other person. To me a break up is just that, seperating from each other. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:51:20 PM | Wowzers...to be wanted cause of the way you handled a break up?! Shoot, that's far too big for me to tackle right now.
Off the top of my head, they're playing games (mostly with themselves) and I wouldn't be too interested. But I also wouldn't make my decision based solely on that; I'd first determine if I want to be with them and then I'd factor in their weirdness. :) | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:54:21 PM | Sounds like a game to me. If I broke up with someone and they cared little enough to just let it roll off and not care to work it out somehow, then I would be pissed, but also thankful that I did break up because they aren't very into me obviously.
Sometimes no drama creates drama. Guys don't get that. When you are so nonchalant, it looks like you don't care either way. Girls don't go for that. They want a man who will fight for them. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:02:21 PM | I think this is fairly common. At least it's been my experience. If I was the dumpee in this situation, the big question for me would be why did they break up with me in the first place? If that question wasn't asked and answered I'd see little point in returning to the relationship. I certainly wouldn't return because someone thought I was so easy to break up with...just makes it that much easier the next time around.
Also, I agree that a lot of people find that the grass isn't necessarily greener and therefore want to return to a what was once a dramaless and comfortable relationship, but who wants to be someone's "you'll do"? | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:07:15 PM | I think she saw that you were a level headed person and were in control of yourself and your emotions. So many men today are clingy and can't let things go. Just look at all the posts asking if said man should persue a woman after a break up.
it looks like you don't care either way. Girls don't go for that. They want a man who will fight for them.
I don't know about other women, but I do know that when I end a realtionship I want it to end. I am not one to "shake the sugar tree". I never say what I don't mean and refuse to play "chase me" games. I don't want to be chased or stalked or begged to come back.
I'd be leery of taking this one back though. She may be one of the tree shakers. I wouldn't want to be with someone who asks for something that they don't really want.
That's just *me* though~ | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:10:36 PM | That's a life story)
I can't say I was very cool in my last break-up. Showed some weakness and emotions. I believe I had reasons.
However, with time, the realization came that the person I was with drew a lot of satisfaction out of seeing how much I was attached to him. I was never shy to show my affection.
Yes, I was in love and yes the break-up was hard on me.
Eventually I convinced myself that I am wasting my time and there is much better life ahead of me without any heartache and drama...
How do you know... It has been a year now and that person still calls me. I never return the calls, - I don't care for this person anymore. In fact, I am quite disguisted with myself for sticking around for that long.
Once he admitted he was shocked that I was able to get over the whole thing at a large scale contrast to how I reacted to it initially. He said it really attracted him to me as he discovered a totally new, strong me.
Oh, well. Can't live with the feet in the fridge and the head in the microwave.
No turning back. Once it's done, it's past. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:12:40 PM | | As the song goes "Hit the road Jack and dontcha come back, no more, no more, no more, no more", lol. That would be my answer. Once bitten twice shy. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:16:30 PM | | See ya bye. Oh, and don't let the door hit you in ass on the way out. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:52:47 PM |
"The way you dealt with the break up was very relaxing...I want to be with someone like you" Wow! We now have a whole new take on why people should be together.....forget about compatibility, forget about chemistry. Just find a man/woman who reacts to you breaking up with them in a civilized manner and you're all set...
What do YOU do or think? I'd hang up the phone if I heard that. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/15/2008 7:00:01 PM | Wow, that's a good one Beef.
I've been back and forth with a lover before, but never, ever, was it because she wanted to pick my freaking brain about how 'cool' I handled the breakup.
That's a bit weird.
there is usually another agenda altogether going on. Trust this.
hmmm....to want to get together for coffee to talk about how she want's to be more like me?.....ummm..nahhhh. smells like bulllshit. sniff sniff
Now, if she couldn't live without me , or something..well, that's different, maybe then we'd have a coffee...well.....maybe.
kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 1:17:40 AM |
Your ex-partner is totally puzzled and clearly was expecting more "action" or drama.
You continue to live life...keep on keepin' on as they say...and a few weeks later you get a phone call...it's her or him...their asking how you've been, whats new and whether you'd like to go for coffee or something.
Your reluctant and moderately confused...especially when you hear: "The way you dealt with the break up was very relaxing...I want to be with someone like you"
If he/she was clearly expecting more drama from the breakup, then this is just pathetic. Somone actually suggested that by not creating drama you will create drama and that guy's just don't get it. What nonsense.
It has nothing to do with "not into him/her", it has everything to do with how WE as individuals handle loss and pain. Not everyone is gonna weep openly and break down and beg and plead (I could go on ladies...).
When my ex of 6 years wanted out, I just said "Fine", turned off my computer and went to the livingroom to call her Dad's lawyer to let her know that we just broke up and wouldn't be out that way this weekend afterall. How does that translate into "not into her"? She wanted out, I let her go. If it was drama or conversation she wanted, she should've indicated that, not played guessing games or head games about it.
As for your example CB, I'd say leave it alone as-is. Even if she's admitting to herself that she made a mistake (idf that's the case), let her own that feeling by herself. Don't get involved. You'll just be back here in weeks/months with a similar story about the same chick.
You moved on. Be cool with that. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 1:25:59 AM | Personally, it would make no difference at all to me. If they were with me long enough to get to know me, and decided that I wasn't good enough, and they wanted to be someplace else...that's all I need to know.
They've already announced to you and the free world that they think they can do better than you. Let them. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:01:01 AM |
Are they simply jeaous or confused by your calm demeanor and want you back to try and rip you apart again and get some kind of response or do they genuiely wish to be with you and respect the way you deal with otherwise emotional situations.
It sounds like they have nothing else going on in their life and want to stir up emotion in someone else.
I'm not exactly sure what I would do. I probably would notice who the call was from on my cell and not answer. Then I might return the call right away and say this if I get a live person:
"This is the United States calling..............Are we reaching....." | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:22:43 AM | Isn't this how mature adults could expect break-ups to go? I can't imagine someone who knew me well enough to be in a relationship with me being surprised at my behaving like this, nor can I imagine them being particularly happy about it as it seems more common that people get upset with me for being able to reflect and think calmly rather than being reactive as they'd expect to be an indicator of strong feeling.
It wouldn't make me want to get back together with them because it's not a reason -- they'd already know that I'm pretty stable and calm and rational in my behaviour and the comfort they may derive from that or the respect they may have for it is not enough of a reason to want to be with someone. I'd probably try to explain this to them. I'd be open to friendship if the chemistry was gone on both sides, but not otherwise without good reason -- too much potential for problems.
The bottom line is that if I was regarded as merely an accessory to my partner's lifestyle, it wouldn't be enough for me to be there. That's not a relationship... | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:49:39 AM | First of all the reason for the breakup, in all likihood hasnt changed, so why would anyone want to go back.
If someone has evaluated you IN a relationship and decided to leave........evaluating how the breakup was handled changes nothing about the relationship .......SEE YA
PEACE | |
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vosche
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Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 21 | |
| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:04:10 AM | oh hell no!
whatever made them end things prolly hasnt changed, resulting in a seconding ending, only this time you'd see / expect it comming(already with this in the background is a second attempt doomed from the start no matter how much you try as it would make you question any action of any kind of the other person..paranoia..a good premeditated setup on her part..very sneaky indeed) and be prepared.
you dont want someone like this in your life working to undermine you at every chance...you can do better | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:34:11 AM | | I think in the majority of these cases, people who do this kind of thing don't know what they want so they send mixed messages. They will go back and forth on you for whatever length of time you allow it. The game of "I Want You--I Don't Wan't You" only works with two players. And if the person who initiates the breakup expects drama, you can expect more of it if you choose to resume the relationship. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:59:53 AM | Well people break up for many reasons. Wish you stated “her reason” to initiate the breakup? Also if she knew you have the persona of a person who has “little drama, seldom get mad and especially cannot be bothered getting upset over getting dumped, it's just not in you...” Then why would this person expect you to get upset when again she was the one that initiated the breakup? In short you leave me with more questions then answers.
You continue to live life...keep on keepin' on as they say...and a few weeks later you get a phone call...it's her or him...their asking how you've been, whats new and whether you'd like to go for coffee or something.
This is the only “red flag” that I see. Some people just put other’s on the back burner and will contact they from time to time to see if they would be able to get something they want or feel that person can “give“ them. In fact never giving us any real closure but in her case she did initiate the breakup which in fact is of itself a form of “closure”..
For me personally if a person who I dated wanted to break it off and we didn’t agree to remain friends and then this person contacted me at a later date. I would kindly remind of that and then end our conversation giving the person in question and myself the closure we both need! | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:11:07 AM | | if i notice a guy wasn't as into me, i feel like i have to get them to like me. i like the challenge. maybe that woman was like that. she wasn't used to the idea of seeing this guy wasn't going gaga over her, and that just doesn't cut it for her...because i can see myself do that actually. | |
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| Jealous or Genuine
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:19:22 AM | Sometimes when people decide to break up, they are of two minds on it... they love xyz about you but have concerns over abc... they weigh the situation and conclude it is for the best to break up.
Often what happens during a break up is the dumpee reacts angrily, perhaps lashing out with their hurt and disappointment, and the dumper focuses on these reactions and the feelings it evokes in them. (Sometimes it spirals into both spewing their hurt onto each other). Either way, they get very tuned into the negative and this reinforces the decision they've made to break-up.
In contrast, if the dumpee reacts calmly (and face it, that's unexpected in the majority of these situations) the dumper doesn't have the negative to focus on and reinforce their decision to break up. Instead they are left sitting in their own feelings about you/relationship/breaking up... possibly being reflective about the whole relationship and reevaluating their feelings. It may be the first time they really "try on" their fears and realize they were bigger in their mind than they actually are in reality.
Depending on what the abc concern was, it is entirely possible for the dumper to go away and think things through and conclude "wow, this person was so amazing in a stressful situation like a break up, that they would be awesome to be with throughout the challenges life inevitably throws at us. I think I was wrong, it would be possible to work through abc with them."
It is also possible that people have - essentially - drifted into a relationship with each other, and a break up is the space where they actively choose to be in a relationship. In this situation, because it is an active choice, the reconnection can carry much more of a commitment.
Obviously CB, I can't tell if the woman dumper in your scenario has gone through this type of process or whether her needs for drama haven't been met so, thwarted, she is coming around for round two. What I would recommend to the male dumpee is, should he decide to continue, to make clear that a 2nd beak up will be the last one; you do not want people to feel they can be casual about flinging around the possibility that it is over. | |
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