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 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 1
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I would really like to hear from a mans point of view here if possible

My problem is this: I am quite new on the dating game after 12 years in a relationship and I am finding it very difficult for the following reason: all the guys that I have met have wanted sex very early in the realationship. I have had a lot of pressre and have had to finish a few really hopeful looking realtionships because they just will not accept that I do not want to start an intimate relationship early on.
I really liked the most recent guy, we hit it off in all ways, however on the third date he started dropping hints that he wanted to sleep with me that night. I turned him down and explained that it wasnt that I dont fancy him (I did), but that I want to get to know him better first.
I didnt hear from him again in the next couple of days (he had been texting a couple of times a day prior to the date), and so I contacted him, saying that I am very sorry but it is best if we finish the relationship. He has since been contacting me frequently 'arguing' about my turning him down, and still trying to get us back together.
I have asked him if he would accept that I want to take things slowly, but he wont.

This isnt the first guy this has happened with. I should explain that I dont 'come on' to them, I dont even like kissing until I am comfortable with them. I even had one POF guy yesterday (who I hadnt even met!) arguing that if we hit it off when we met it would be OK to go to bed.

Is it me? am I abnormal? when I explained this to my best friend I seem to get the idea that it IS me being a bit behind the times. I am NOT frigid and used to enjoy a good sex life

Constructive feedback please
 williamaus
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 2
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 7:43:43 AM
It is not you ok, they are jerks. you are not abnormal, the guys you are dating are.By the way do you shag on 1st dates? (just joking!).
 dartmouthjames
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 3
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 7:48:56 AM

why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?

Because guys aren't too uptight to enjoy sex, unlike girls.
 Mish_Man
Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 4
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 7:57:18 AM

Constructive feedback please


Kinda makes it hard when the title of such thread is: why do men always want sex so early in a relationship? It's like saying, "Well, while I was trying to sleep with you (since, well, ALL guys do it), why were you just being a leech for my money (since, well, ALL women do it)" ... Generalizations are fun.

However, let's try to make it a constructive response using the above. Frankly, I have dated women that, well, only wanted me to buy them things. Heck, I have dated women that said that they were into me and wanted a long term relationship, but eventually broke it off. Why did the relationship not continue? Why does shallowness occur in dating? Because deep down inside they're not looking for the same thing you are. I could share hard-luck stories, but I think we all have a bushel full of them, don't we.

Back to our sexophobe guy, the thoughts that come to mind are:

1) He's thinking, "Hey, I was in a long-term relationship and just had my heart crushed and was used - now all I'm going to do is use women and sleep around."

2) It could be that they are going through a mid-life crisis and that they think they have to sleep around since we're always getting closer to the finish line than the start.

3) Maybe he has so much baggage and doesn't know how to deal with it, so the only relationship he can handle is one that is physical and thus doesn't want to wait and get to know you.

4) Maybe he never grew up and thinks that sleeping around is still the "cool" thing to do.

5) Maybe he has a wife and kids and is cheating with you on the side.

6) And maybe he was trying to make a move but was WAY TOO sensitive about being shot down.

Who knows (and I'm sure there are numerous reason not listed) - however if it helps any I think you made the right decision since I don't think you were on the same brainwaves. I wish you the best of luck in your fishing.

 Born2bAlive
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 5
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 8:41:18 AM
Well, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to wait if that's what you want. But keep in mind, just as you are under no obligation to have sex with this guy until you are ready, he's under no obligation to stick around if he wants it sooner. You both have different ideas of how the whole sex thing should unfold, so it's probably better if he finds someone else who'll give him what he wants, while you should find someone who'll respect your desire to take it slow.

My personal opinion is that it's pretty low-brow of this guy to be so stubborn, and insist that he can't wait to have sex. You shouldn't have to be subjected to this kind of pressure. This might be an indicator that he's more interested in the sex than he's interested in you!
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 6
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 8:59:34 AM
Maybe a guy either doesn't want a long-term relationship or he thinks you don't, so he strikes when the proverbial iron is hot.

Another line of reasoning it's best to have sex (or get married) before you two really get to know each other better (and find things about the other person annoying).
 bigjd-rockin
Joined: 12/2/2007
Msg: 7
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:15:17 AM
Ha! On the other side of the fence,I have the exact same problem. When I first talk to and then meet a woman,they notify me right off the bat,that they have problems with guys only wanting to go to bed with them. I then let them know that they don't have to worry about having that problem with me. After all,I firmly believe in getting to know someone real well before getting involved in that stuff. Heck! I am more of a fan of cuddling and holding hands anyway. However these same women are trying to lure me into going to bed with them after just one or two dates. Whoa! Too soon for me. Sex can wait until marriage as far as I am concerned.
So you see,it actually goes both ways believe it or not.
Hang in there though,there are some decent men out there. I have already proven that.
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 8
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:19:53 AM
Op,
Several reasons. (1) Depending on one's age and life experiences, over time, sex becomes less of a "Oh my God, 'good girls' don't do that too early." At my point in life, that just seems sort of arcane and silly...as though I have transcended that thinking. Of course, that also comes with a certain power and confidence women often feel as the years go by, their careers do well, etc.. I think a lot of the guys' views shift, for various reasons, over the years too. (2) Pragmatically, if someone's really THAT into you, whether sex is early or later in a relationship will have no effect. They either really, really like you or they don't - andearly sex or late sex won't change that. (3) HOWEVER, unfortunately, there are a lot of people (both genders) who might not be that into you/me/whomever and who have no misgivings about using other people (whether for sex, money,or anything else). That's ONE of the main reasons I advocate waiting. The users drop out pretty quickly and the ones who are truly into you will wait until you're comfortable. (4) The other reason I advocate waiting is it's so much sweeter after that physical tension and build up. It also allows 2 people to emotionally bond beforehand, which also makes sex all the sweeter. (LOL some of the guys who don't believe that should try it! It definitely makes it better.)

Overall, in any case, if you're uncomfortable with sex (or anything) too early, then if the other person is really into you, he/she will respect your wishes and wait until you're both ready. If the other person isn't doing that, it's a BIG red flag and it means they're most likely just attempting to use you. Time to run! :)
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 9
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:30:55 AM
(Overall, in any case, if you're uncomfortable with sex (or anything) too early, then if the other person is really into you, he/she will respect your wishes and wait until you're both ready. If the other person isn't doing that, it's a BIG red flag and it means they're most likely just attempting to use you. Time to run! :)

thank you spiderette and all other replies so far, for your really helpful replies, I feel a little less worried now at my decision
 rockbandguy
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 10
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:34:09 AM
We're horney and love sex. That's all there is to it
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 11
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:34:26 AM
oh believe me, DartmouthJames, I enjoy sex, alot, just not with just anybody!
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 12
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:47:57 AM

That's ONE of the main reasons I advocate waiting. The users drop out pretty quickly and the ones who are truly into you will wait until you're comfortable.


So are you saying you advocate going dutch until then? Otherwise, you're advocating a rather one-sided using relationship.
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 13
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:53:38 AM
although I didnt post the quote you replied to I can answer it
YES I always go dutch! why wouldnt I?
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 14
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:55:20 AM
also BKOO69, are you saying that I SHOULD sleep with a guy if he pays for a meal?
 Mish_Man
Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 15
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:01:21 AM

also BKOO69, are you saying that I SHOULD sleep with a guy if he pays for a meal?


I think what he is implying is that both activities can be seen as just using the other person - I don't think he is insinuating any quid pro quo - food for sex. Of course, when I'm paying for a meal, I'm doing it because I appreciate just having the company together and have no expectations. When I get intimate with a woman, I do it because I feel close to the woman and just just for the act.

When I originally read his post, that is how I took it, and was the way I meant to imply when I brought it up referring to generalities in my original post.
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 16
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:09:11 AM
Actually, my point was that if it's not right for the guy to be using the woman for sex, it's also not right for the woman to be using the guy for money.

Put it this way... how many dates do you believe should precede sex? How much do you think the guy is paying on a per date basis? Figure out how much the guy has paid for the dates leading up to the sex... and then suggest that him paying for all those dates is not being used, especially if the relationship ends without becoming physical. Sex is important to guys... more important than it is to women. That's why guys put up with so much from women, because the women make the decision on sex. That's why guys let themselves be used, financially... because they're trying to get sex. At least that is part of it.

Obviously, sex isn't the only thing guys think about. It is a major thing in the minds of most guys, though.

Mish got it right... that's pretty much what I was getting at.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 17
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:19:41 AM
Ummm....for the same reasons that women will get intimate early on??

Seriously...it's different strokes, for different folks. Some put a higher standard or value on sex and intimacy in a relationship. In other words...no matter how great the person and the relationship is...they know if the sexual compatibility is non-existent, then the relationship won't last.

But...my main piece of feedback would be to STICK WITH YOUR OWN IDEAS of what works for YOU. :) When you DO find the person who shares your ideas and such...he will be compatible for you. :)
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 18
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:24:16 AM
Ahh. So why is it that even though I always pay my share of the meal, the guy STILL feels that he is entitled to more??
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 19
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:26:52 AM
thank you HarleyKat
You will be pleased to hear that all the lovely advice that I have received has helped me to make a decision to move on. I have asked him not to contact me any more, and if that fails, then I will block him.

or get my big bros to beet him up.......joke

Lots more frogs to kiss
 dazzyb123
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 20
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:29:02 AM
A man who wants sex. Shocking!!!!!
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 21
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:29:14 AM
OP,

Even playing devil's advocate and giving the guy the extreme benefit of the doubt: let's just say we assume he's of the mindset if sex doesn't happen early (no matter who the woman is), it's not worth pursuing even if he's in "love." Even in that case, it would be very difficult to have a relationship with such a person. To not be able to compromise to the point where you're comfortable indicates he's rigid and inflexible, which is not going to help any kind of a relationship. (I suppose he could reverse the argument on you, but that's getting into the realm of ridiculous given society's prevailing standards and norms regarding sex.)

Men like sex, sure, but just watch the men in your family for answers. I have a brother and trust me, he'd bend over backwards for a woman he really, really likes. Just as women do with men. I've seen it time and again with male friends too. The sex thing is a bit of a red herring. The bottom really is: how much is the other party truly into you? People (irrespective of gender) will bend over backwards to accomodate someone in whom they truly have an interest. The only exception is if insecurity comes into play. Then people will sometimes pull out rather than getting hurt even if they really like someone. Again, not a good basis or foundation for a relationship. We all have our insecurities, but if they're that overriding early on, they'll become huge problems later. Generally, however, even insecurity won't stop people (assuming they're really interested) as long as you give them a clear signal you're truly interested.

What all this leads back to is this: make sure you tell the guy you really like him a lot (and no, that won't turn him off if you do it in a succint, clear, non-needy fashion-just make it brief, surgical, and to the point - and do it when you sense the time is right & only you know that) and also make sure you tell him you're not ready for sex yet. As long as he knows you like him, you've eliminated any possible insecurity issues on his part. At that point, if he still continues to push with no regard to your feelings, then it's time to run. He's either using you or so inflexible it'snot worth pursuing. (As stated earlier, the latter is really stretching...it's most likely the former.)
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 22
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:34:54 AM
thank you spiderette
you give such sensible advise
yes I told him that 'iI do like you, but I am not ready for an intimate relationship yet'.

I am looking forward to meeting the guy like your brother that you describe above.

could you tell me please how to enclose those little boxes of quotes from previous replies?
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 23
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why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:35:10 AM
OP: At a guess, it's because you aren't communicating enough. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... both parties to a relationship should understand and agree on a set of 'ground rules' for the relationship. Problems arise when each party makes an assumption as to what the other 'knows' about the relationship.
Commonly, guys assume that women 'know' they will attempt to initiate sex, but that the woman will either accede or decline based on her whim. Some guys assume women 'know' that they are believers in the 'three date rule', and that if after those three dates there has been no significant progress that the woman is not truly interested in anything but stringing them along until something better shows up. Others assume the woman 'knows' that because they haven't had 'The Talk' that that means they are having sex with six other women.

See why making assumptions can be damaging? This is why a relationship should start with some fairly major conversation... negotiation, if you will.

OP: [ quote ] text to be quoted [ /quote ]
Just remove the spaces from within the square brackets.
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 24
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:42:46 AM
thanks BKOOO69,
Yes communication is a problem.
Although I gave him a kiss goodnight (quick Peck) on the first date, on the 2nd date he tried to put his tongue in my mouth and so I pushed him off. I explained that I like to take things slowely.
Not heard of a 'third date rule!' soz!!!! I definately behind the times. I will know next time to tell a guy on the first date, that I am not into the 'third date rule'

ummmmm........maybe NOT
 aka61
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 25
why do men always want sex so early in a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2008 10:45:02 AM
what spaces.....what brackets
gosh I am wet behind the ears
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