| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:29:27 PM | Okay, so my boyfriend is under extreme amounts of pressure. We're both in college and have been dating for 4 months (however, we were long-distance for 3 of those). Over the summer, he found out his mom had withdrawn him from school behind his back and he can't go to school this semester. He's going to try for the Spring, but it isn't guarenteed.
So he and his parents have never gotten along so he decided to move out and come back up to our college town. Earlier in the summer he got a citation for Minor In Possession and since he moved away from where he got his citation, he has to find his own alcohol ed class and community service. When he moved out, his parents cut him off (naturally), but he also had quite a bit in mutul funds that his grandfather set up for him when he was young, but his parents had custody over it until he turns 21 in November.
So, basically, he's under massive amounts of pressure trying to find an alcohol class, community service, and a job that pays enough in an economy that is going to hell. Because of all this stress, I can tell he's isolating himself more and more. Every day he becomes more stressed and disappointed because he's having such a hard time accomplishing anything and the fact that everyone around him is getting ready for classes. He's been isolating himself more and more, sleeping a lot, and he's had a history of depression so I'm really worried that he's falling into one of those slumps.
It isn't just about him though -- I'm so frustrated trying to help because obviously nothing I do or say can help. I help him out finding leads for alcohol classes, community service, and jobs, but I think he gets a little annoyed with it because he is very independent and accepting help is like admitting that he can't do it himself. He isn't affectionate anymore and I get the feeling that he doesn't enjoy spending time with me and that it's just an obligation he has. I still care about him and don't want to lose him but this slump he's in is starting to stress me out too. I want to talk to him about this, but what am I supposed to say? "Your stress is hurting our relationship so stop being stressed out?" And when I ask what's bothering him, he just says the stress. If talking to him more about this could benefit the situation, I would talk to him, but I only feel that addressing this would do more harm than good. We saw each other over webcam 2 weeks ago and he seemed more like himself and SO excited to see me and talk to me, so that's why it's so confusing and frustrating that he's become so detached.
If my friend were in this situation, I would tell her that staying with this guy isn't the best idea, but I care about him and I'm trying to be confident that things will get better, but I thought that coming back after a 3 months of long distance would help things improve, but he's so preoccupied with all this stuff going on.
I want to know from your experience what I could do to help relieve some of his stress and keep our relationship from falling apart. Do you think things will get better between us once his life gets sorted out again? Or is keeping up this relationship just a lost cause? | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:44:52 PM | Hon I think the best thing you can do is offer your help and lend an listening ear and allow him to work out his own situation.
He is old enough and he really doesn't need your "help".. he needs your friendship and support..
So let him be a man and get this straightened out for himself and allow him to be preoccupied.
You get on with your life.. and stay open to him but don't try to interfere or hold on to him.. allow him to be detatched.
Let me let you in on a little secret.. men detach when they are working on a problem it is how they are wired. Women get support.. network.. talk about it.. men go into their caves to think their solutions through.. Give him space to be a man..
don't know how it will turn out.. but if you don't give him his space your relationship will implode.. so give him his space dear. You might as well you will be seeing this the rest of your life.. so might as well learn how to do it now. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:45:23 PM | Often times, OP, another person's STUFF will spill over into our STUFF....can you accept that? Only you can answer that question....if you feel you are in need of a "break"...would that be so terrible? Here.... You are a caring young lady.... :) | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:50:08 PM |
I help him out finding leads for alcohol classes, community service, and jobs, but I think he gets a little annoyed with it because he is very independent and accepting help is like admitting that he can't do it himself.
Most important rule of thumb when dealing with someone with drug or alcohol problems is to never be the one to do exactly what you're doing right now.
If he really wants to clean up and straighten out, he needs to take those steps on his own. The more you try to lead it, the more he'll resent you and likely misplace blame for things and never take responsibility for himself.
He needs to grow up and deal with his own issues and mess he created himself. You're his GF, not his caregiver but that's exactly what you're becoming.
I'd also be careful he doesn't pull you into his problems even more. I understand you care about the guy but he's obviously got issues and needs to deal with those before trying to become serious in a relationship. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:53:20 PM | | A friend of mines Father is fond of saying "It never gets better than when your dating" So are you in for the long haul or the short term? If you are in for the long haul remember this is his pattern and while reappear later so you most likely with have a lifetime of this behavior. You will also have to deal with the drama his family has as long are you together. If you are just in it for the short term, think about yourself and I think you know the answer as it was in your post. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:58:18 PM | I dont know If I can offer alot here...
but first let me say that you sound like an amazing girlfriend...
second of all stress is a killer.
So break it down one thing at a time.... first off money. so what roughly three months till he gets some money...how much money? It none of our business but you know what Im saying...you said he moved out?
A person needs food. shelter. water.
Ive known guys to live in a tent in a state park till they got back their feet.
the alcohol ed class and community service. Big deal. Are talking a history of alcohol abuse or just a screwup that the court ordered a ed class.... just show up. thats not hard.... again how many hours of service? again....thats just showing up and going thru the motions.... alot of life is showing up and going thru the motions...
"very independent and accepting help is like admitting that he can't do it himself."
no... even Jesus had some help with his cross. I wished I had ask for help sooner.... it called brotherhood... if you need me to drill this into him.. contact me.
what am I supposed to say? "Your stress is hurting our relationship so stop being stressed out?"
Im going out on a limb here but do you love him? just be honest... say. .. "Im here. I know your going thru alot now. well get thru this TOGETHER." and dig in for the long haul... When I was under my worst stress... I didnt want to do a thing.. with no one....
when he saw you two weeks ago on cam... My dear, relax.... you were a glass of cold water to a man walking in hell.... and I can tell you care for him. Just that thought alone has carried men into battle. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:01:21 PM | OP: "If my friend were in this situation, I would tell her that staying with this guy isn't the best idea, but I care about him and I'm trying to be confident that things will get better, but I thought that coming back after a 3 months of long distance would help things improve, but he's so preoccupied with all this stuff going on."
To be honest, I bet your friend would give you the exact same excuse. And yet you'd still try to get her to find someone else. He obviously needs to get his life turned around. His parents pulled him from college, he was charged with minor in possession, which is a good sign you need to get out of there anyway, and it seems like doing NOTHING is doing more harm than good. So you need to talk with him about this, or find someone else, because you seem to be going nowhere with him/ | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:04:16 PM | Hi Obhwfgirl,
There's an old adage:"For want of a nail, the plank was lost;
for want of a plank the deck was lost;
for want of a deck the ship was lost;
for want of a ship the squadron was lost;
for want of a squadron the fleet was lost;
for want of a fleet the war was lost!
Admittedly, he will be withdrawn when coping with problems of this magnitude, guys are like that. However, sometimes the smallest things mean the difference between success and failure in life, and it appears he needs your support and faith right now. Things should be better in November. Why don't you support him till then, and see what happens?Don't be his lost nail. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:17:08 AM | my bf and i dated for 6 months (in 2006) and all was great. he then started school and it went downhill from then. we eventually broke up. since then, i still kept tab on him, asking how he was doing, sinec his cousin kept saying he's in a slum. eventually, we got back together again. for me, it still felt like it was the same as before. seriosly, for the whole 2007 (we got back feb. 03/07), i was mored frustrated because of him, than enjoying myself with him. gosh, he even ditched me to be with his friends for vday...how lame! iunno why i held on seriously.
eventually, when i went away for a month in the beginning of this year, i learned to ease up on things. i stopped thinking too much into everything. i feel like if anything, things have reversed, and he's the one more attached to me than ever before. so, for me, our relationship has never been better! yay for 2008! LOL~
atleast he's sleeping things off, not partying with other people. he's just tired, so he needs rest. maybe you're stressing out because you're taking his rejection of spending time with you personally. i can't guarantee you it'll get better, but that's up to you to know how much longer you can hold on.
how would you feel if you're overly stressed, can't even spend as much time with your partner anymore, and then he decides to leave you, for someone who can provide what you can't at the moment? | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:12:36 AM | TxSippiGal is right on the money.
I would think seriously, however, of what you're getting yourself involved in though. Not saying to back out as a friend becasue he probably could use all the friends he could get... but anything else, one step at a time. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:03:46 AM |
If my friend were in this situation, I would tell her that staying with this guy isn't the best idea
You answered your own question. It's hard to let go when it is you who is asking for the advice, but you just admitted what you would say to a friend. You know what you should do, so you should do it. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:32:33 AM | It's so simple and easy to just quit and walk away when things get hard. OP, is this how you want to be remembered by you boyfriend? Do you want him to be able to say "When I needed her most she bailed out on me?"
Guys may be withdrawn facing problems at times, but they also appreciate loyalty and stand by people who stand by them in times of need. Do you expect your friends to scatter when you need help?
Anybody could dump the guy when things get hard, that's the simple,easy,common route. It takes someone special and different to stand into the wind, and be an anchor during stormy times.
I guess it all comes down to how you want to be perceived as a person by others, and whether you want to take pride in yourself as a loyal friend. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:09:05 PM | | I totally agree with Txsippigal. Your bf gets annoyed when you try to micromanage him. These are his issues so leave him to deal with them and become stronger for it. He will respect you for giving him his space. Just be there for him. When he is ready, he will find you. That is the best that you can do. Good luck. You can get support for yourself by talking with your friends. Go out with the girls. Have some fun. Oh, and I agree with the poster who said you sound like an amazing gf. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:09:38 PM | You could find a boyfriend that acts like a grown-up.
He isn't in school and not working and finding an alcohol education class is simply not that hard. Approaching the local court to find community service is not that hard.
Apparently at his young age he is already in a pattern of shutting down and shutting you out so if you stay with this man you will continue to try to do things to help him, he will blame you for his problems and fail to take responsibility for his own choices, etc. and there will always be another excuse for his bad behavior.
Stop and think. His parents took him out of school, might actually be a reason they did this. I moved out at 19, supported myself. When I needed to buy a car I got a second job. If he cannot take care of himself it is a choice, not because the world is stacked up against him and someone with this type of victim mentality is unlikely to change. Save yourself years of grief and find someone that is concerned about YOU. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 3:15:04 PM | | I would suggest you give him "space" and time to get his life together. He's got a real problem with mind altering substances. You cannot fix him. You can pray for him and be supportive but he's got to do the job. I might further suggest that you attend some Al Anon meetings to help yourself. Good luck! | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:30:51 PM | I think you are interfering with his parents tough love with a son they've known all his life and you a mere four months LD. Back away, let him grow up or fall on his face and then grow up. The last thing he needs is an enabler. Get yourself into some serious (not the oh goody goody we get of group so we can enable the enablers) group(s) for co-dependents, relationships anonymous, etc. and get your head straight, if he wants his head on straight he'll have to do it on his own. The thing an addict likes best is a girlfriend like you who will enable him to death...or the death of innocent bystanders. But I bet you won't listen to anyone but those telling you how great you are and what a fabulous girlfriend you are, all those things that make you feel good and fill up your enabler needs. I say BS!, back away, get help for yourself and let him hit bottom and pick himself up.
You think I'm harsh? Wait until you see how harsh your life, harsh and sad, is going to be if you keep this up. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:36:13 PM | | OP your 20 years old start dating some other guys in the mean while let this guy blow off some steam and focus on your own thing, this guys sounds like a volcano waiting to explode and I'm sure you don't wanna be around ground zero when that happens. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:43:50 PM | OP, am I way off-base in guessing that this guy has never really had to pay for anything in his life thus far? You mentioned his parents withdrawing him from college...how were they able to do that? My guess would be, what they did was refuse to pay for his tuition so he had to drop out? You also mentioned them cutting him off, from the purse strings I assume, and his grandparents giving him mutual funds etc. If this is the case, then I think it's probably an issue of 'tough love' as DynaDaze suggested, and that his parents probably have a damned good reason for doing these things. So, in addition to having the possession charge etc to deal with, he's now having to deal with paying his own way for the first time in his life. Which will make him even more irritable, but really, he does need to learn to deal with life. I could be very wrong, but that was the underlying impression I got from your O-post.
I would let him know you're there if he wants to talk, but I would give him his space. He's probably very frustrated, possibly feeling sorry for himself right now, but he DOES need to learn to take responsibility by the sounds of it. Let him know you're there if he needs you, but don't take all his problems as your own at this point, give him space to man up and work some things out on his own. Good luck. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:58:42 PM | | I'm kinda curious how he's been sponging tuition money off his parents, to the point where he has no money or job leads of his own.... yet he's independent? Sounds like somebody is deluding herself. | |
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| Boyfriend under lots of stress & pressure
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:07:20 PM | OP - I've been going through something similar, stress wise.
Seems the guy I'm seeing doesn't deal with stress well and tends to withdraw when it gets to be too much.
I've asked him to give me a heads up just so that I know what's going on and if I don't hear from him for a few days, I don't have to let my imagination get the better of me and think things that just aren't there. In return for the heads up, I would give him all the space he needed. Unfortunately, he's getting the space, but I'm not getting the heads up.
I can tell you that I've been given all the same advice from the posters in this thread and can also tell you that I'm having a heck of a time trying to decide what to do.
They keep telling me patience is a virtue and that good things come to those who wait...so for now. I'm waiting. (Until I decide that I can't do this anymore, that is. ) But I'll know when the time is right for me. I trust that you will too. | |
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