| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:40:53 PM | My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. We've both discussed marriage, the future, etc. He says his intentions are serious, but I have a lot of reservations based on actions. This is obviously one side of the story, but here is my question:
How much, and at what point, do you expect your partner to "be there" for significant times in your life. Either to help, or provide support/companionship.
At 10 months of dating my son had his birthday. My boyfriend works a second part time job that he can easily take time off from (and the income is disposable). He chose not to attend.
He went from Thanksgiving to the 4th of July without seeing my family at all.
And when I planned my upcoming move several weeks ago, he assured me he'd be there to help. Now, 6 days notice, he tells me he cannot take the time off work. His excuse is valid, but I am a little infuriated. I was really counting on his help.
All of these things have really bothered me, because I think part of having a serious relationship with someone is being a part of their life. Being involved, and being there for significant events. I feel like he just isnt.
He says he's 100% serious, I say his actions tell a different story. He swears I am misinterpreting. Would these things bother you? Do you expect your SO to be available for big events like birthdays, holidays, and moving?
I dont want to complain about the moving thing, because I know he doesnt have much wiggle room at work. But, I told him weeks ago about this, and I cant believe he didn't either plan to be available, or tell me sooner that he wouldnt be. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:53:06 PM | You know, this is a hard one and I seem to remember you occasionally during this relationship being ticked for reasons of this nature. Not anything when seen as a single incident to really get that bent about but I would be thoroughly pissed about the moving thing.
And the birthday party, that is supposed to be his stepson eventually so while you aren't married, you take on that role long before you actually wed so essentially, I would think of it like he can't be bothered to go to his son's birthday? Is he suddenly going to WANT to be at the boy's events because he is now "officially" his stepfather?
I think you are concerned because you don't feel like he has both feet in the relationship and you are leery that things won't change when you marry. If he is serious, he is serious now, not serious in the future. Family is important and he either likes them and wants to spend time around them or he doesn't.
The moving and the birthday I would be very upset about because the one he should have been at period, no excuse and with the moving, are you going to have to pencil things in for him, make sure he takes a day off of work in advance when he can ask for it off? What were YOU supposed to do FOR him to make the moving different for you, because now you just feel like a piece that he doesn't really care about.
He should have asked for the time off weeks ago when you first planned the move, isn't that one of the reasons you discussed it with him in the first place? If you said you would be there to do something for him and then bailed, would he be pissed? Same thing, he could only blame it on his job if he asked for the time weeks ago and they denied it then, not now because he failed to remember to ask for the time off.
And to more directly answer your question, at a year and a half, I would expect his ass moving, at 10 months I would expect his ass at a party, and to go for nearly a year without seeing your family when you obviously spend a good bit of time around them? Are you prepared to break up with him? Because haven't you had this conversation before and he doesn't get it? | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:34:47 PM | | Melissa, if you feel your expectations are not met than yes, he is not being there for you and you need to bring that up but diplomatically. After you are done explaining how you are feeling, you say what you are expecting. It’s still a fresh relationship. Experts say, after two years the bliss is over and Love needs attention and work. I say, if this stuff doesn’t get resolved, than an important lesson in the relationship which can make it better will not be learned and resentment will consume you both and who knows what will happen. This can be a great relationship builder or a predictor. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:44:05 PM | You don't say whether you are living together or why he is having to work 2 jobs OP...
Why don't you just hire a mover? | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:45:14 PM | The best way I know how to answer this is through the old saying....if it's this way now, it's not going to change or get better after you get married. I think you need to again talk to your SO about this, however choose your words carefully(use "I" statements) non-blaming, but be firm in what it is that you do expect of him. I'm also a firm believer of the "actions speak louder than words" adage. Good luck to you  | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:53:09 PM | | ask him if he's serious about marrying you and if he is be better damn well be supportive to you and as well as vice versa. Both of you gotta want it and be supportive for each other or else the relationship will sink. At least make sacrifices for the relationship. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:53:24 PM | I believe if you feel red flags. Which you seem to feel. Then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. You need to nip this in the bud now because it will not get better. Maybe if he knew how much you depended on him for these events he might make sure in the future that he is there. If he shrugs it off like it is no big deal and you are being ridiculus then you might want to re-evaluate your relationship.
If it is a big deal to you then it should be a big deal to him. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:53:59 PM | He doesnt have to work two jobs. Lives at home, has no debt, etc. He is an ambitious saver, and does it to have extra income. Ie- its out of desire, not need.
We don't live together. And I cannot afford to hire a mover.
We have discussed this, on more than one occassion. I just feel like my needs don't really occur to him naturally. I dont expect him to mindread my every desire... but I consider these situations pretty basic where I would expect my SO to be there. It doesnt seem to come naturally to him to think about me, and I wonder if that indicates how he really feels about me, or how serious he really is about us. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:05:25 PM | | From your description your guy has demonstrated a consistent pattern and you nailed it " It doesnt come naturally to him to think about me" end of story. Bad habits get worse with time so the real question is are you willing and able to tolerate this behavior for the rest of your relationship? My guess is that you are seeing him at his best and it will only get worse. If he doesnt naturally think about you and what is important and pleasing to you then he basically only thinks of himself and what you can do for him. Its not like you havent given him clues and made him aware of your expectations, therefore he doesnt appear to be trainable. LOL. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:05:26 PM | Problems NEVER improve upon marriage. The problems you had that were not addressed before you say "I Do" will be there and be maginfied after the honeymoon, if anyone says different then they are a straight up liar.
The birthday and the move are serious red flags and you certainly already see that for yourself or you wouldn't be posting here. It's time he hears the words all men dread the most, "We need to talk".
Much luck to you,
~lucky | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:17:51 PM | From what you have said here Melissa, it sounds like you have 2 entirely different lifestyles on the go with the only common denominator being that you are both working hard. Your being a Mom changes the stuff he considers optional into being 'necessaries' for you and I doubt that he feels the need to take that on.
It would be nice if you and your boyfriend could find middle ground because the playing field is kind of tipped. You have a child, are struggling financially and need to be "family-oriented" to give your son a good childhood. He has the choice to stand back from all of that and just focus on what he needs.
When I was a single Mom, I was fiercely independent where my needs and struggles were concerned because I felt that I had made the decisions to get into that condition on my own. If my partner volunteered to help or to attend family functions, I was appreciative but I never expected him to step up to the plate. I think it puts the relationship into a different status and if he doesn't want it, there's no sense trying to force it.
The only choice you really have is to decide whether your life is better with or without him. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:27:10 PM | It doesn't matter if it would bother anyone else. It bothers you and that's your answer.
Either you come to a better understanding and sync up or get out. You'll be saving yourself a lot of heartache. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:50:02 PM | Have you tried this....
"You can make it up to me!"
and lightly suggest something the two of you can do, at a time he IS available, to compensate for the time he was unavailable (make sure it's about time, not money etc). In this way, you can make it clear that it bothers you, but that you are somewhat flexible. Couldn't you have had a little party or outing with just your son and boyfriend at a later date? I see he "chose" not to attend that one -- have you understood why? It may be that he felt he didn't belong in the situation, felt overwhelmed, intimidated of uncomfortable regarding the other people who might be there.
To me it seems entirely reasonable to see family twice a year but if you always find he is avoiding seeing them, perhaps they have not made him feel very welcome, or perhaps you have not made him feel very comfortable or wanted when you are around your family. I think that the family events thing and the move thing are different. The others are just social and can go on without him.
Not being there for a move implies that you were relying on his physical help to move things and now he's let you down? You don't have any one else helping and you HAVE to move on that day? It was clear to him that you'd be left in the lurch? Where are you moving to? You've been a little unclear with this. Not his place, I hope. If so, the reason why he's unavailable to help would seem clear enough.
First things first, sort out how to achieve the move without him or how to defer it to a day when he is available. Next, identify whether he has a habit of actually saying he's going to be there to lend a hand and then not being there. If it's a one-off (and I really don't think the social events are the same thing at all) then just let it go but adjust your expectations for next time you need his help. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:30:31 PM | | In my opinion it is simple. If a persons says they are going to do something then (unless some unforseen emergency, etc... comes up) they need to do it. If you feel as though he lets you down and it is habitual then there is a problem. The question is what are you willing to do in order to fix that problem? I agree with an earlier statement that it is doubtful things will get better one there own. He needs to understand how important these issues are to you and if he can't then there is a lack of respect and commitment on his part. | |
|
eazk
|
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:55:00 PM | Some messages are pretty loud. When I was looking at moving over last winter, my g/f of almost a year at that time offered that we should/could move in together at her (purchased) condo. I didn't do that...in fact, I even rented a place with a longer lease for some nice perks. And yet she still didn't grasp that I wasn't into things enough to make that commitment move. And I knew it, too...and 4 months later I had to terminate the relationship.
People always do things for a reason...albeit sometimes a dumbass, stupid reason. For example, a guy who doesn't want to go to his g/f's son's b'day party may be just avoiding dad or the other side of the family. Not seeing your family for 7+ months especially over T'giving, Christmas and such is a pretty loud statement. Means he also didn't do Christmas gifts for the kids, etc..
He's happy with what he's got and you're not...time for "The Talk".
 | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:28:25 AM |
He went from Thanksgiving to the 4th of July without seeing my family at all. Just to clarify, seeing as Eazk and I interpreted this differently --- does this mean that he DID see them on 4th July and at Christmas and just not in between those times or not at all? | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 1:06:23 AM | I am sure he means well...but he is young and I am sure that he is interested...but he is in no situation in his working life to move mountians right now...
I noticed that your a racially mixed couple...no problem with that..but it may be HIS secret problem to hang out all of your white relatives??? He might not feel welcome in the family as he let's on it be? | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 2:26:39 AM | Do you expect your SO to be available for big events like birthdays, holidays, and moving?
No, not really. I'm not a big holiday person, so I could care less. If I knew the events were important to my SO I would make time for them whenever possible, however. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:55:11 AM |
I consider these situations pretty basic where I would expect my SO to be there
I think you're right.
I think you already know enough to make a decision on whether he is serious. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:56:55 AM | No, I don't expect my partner to take off from work in order to see my family, or attend children's birthday parties. I find that instead of assuming things, you should actually send an invitation to any gathering you want him to attend. If other guests got invites why not him?
You also might be expecting a lot from a young man, your son is not his son but simply his girlfriends kid and he cannot be forced into a role he does not want or may not be ready for. You are not even engaged yet and he still lives at home. Because you are a young Mother you have been forced to grow up quickly, he is still living at home and in a completely different place in his life. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:04:30 AM | my bf forgets about EVERYTHING! at first, i thought he just didnt' care, eventually, it just dawned on me that he's horrible at 'events'. i'll literally have to remind him almost everyday coming near to the event...esp the day before...to confirm he didn't make plans with anyone else...as he double books on me every bloody time! i mean, one time, when he just got back from his europe trip, i told him my friends are going to the beach and i wanted him there. he said ok, a day before the event, he asked how long we were planning to stay at the beach, because he apparently agreed to go out with his friends. i ended up just telling him to go with them instead, after all, they're his friends. i got used to it....whatevers anymore. to me, that wasn't really much of a big deal. i mean, if the table was turned, i'd much catch up with my own buddies than go chill with his.
in a lot of things/events, my bf isn't there to be with me. sometimes my friends wonder if we're still together....lol! he has a demanding job, so whatevers, he has to make his money. IF, i'm super sad or something and wanted him around, and he wasn't there...then i'd be pissed!
with you though, you gotta draw your own line as to what is "important", and what is not. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:22:40 AM | | OP, if you really feel he isn't there for you, then you have to decide if this is something you can live with through marriage. Considering you feel the way you do, I would think marriage should be the last thing you two talk about. No one can decide for you if his behaviour is proper.. there are many differing views that have been shared already.. What you really have to do, is sit down and really mull this over with yourself. Is this something you can live with? Is it something you WANT to live with, or will you continually feel that you aren't getting the support you need and want? My personal opinion is that you aren't getting enough out of this relationship if you have to ask all of us... the next step is to look within yourself and decide if this is what you really want out of life... | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:23:42 AM | It sounds like you both place different values on what you deem are "significant" events. They may not be significant to him (many people do not celebrate holidays). If this really is that important to you then you have to communicate it not expect it.
You may want to prepare a calander of events explaining to him which ones are of value to you and why, but expect that he may not share in your enthusiasm. He may go through with them just to support you, but you have to understand that this is a concession he is making on your behalf not something he is doing for himself. Also keep in mind that some events he wont be there for because he may not see them as events at all - just another day like any other.
It is important to discuss these issues early on but if you are only just discussing this with him now you will want to move past the past. Don't blame him for the past, educate him as to what your values are so that you both can negotiate what is important to you both and move forward together. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:41:21 AM | I know you named a few things that he missed...but what events did he attend. You said he lives at home and works two jobs...So that in itself says that his family is very important to him and his employment is also very important. Both of those things are admirable...true you have been in his life for awhile but he is young and may not understand how it is to have kids. My son has a girlfriend with two kids that are 8 and 9 and he has no clue what is expected.
I wouldn't take time off from work for my son's birthdays or my step-daughters...or even my own or my husbands. I would make sure to bring a gift and celebrate when I wasn't working...did he give your child a gift? As far as holidays, he has his own family...when you get into a relationship...there is a lot of juggling. Was it that his family had events at the same time of yours which made him not attend? Maybe he doesn't like you family...just because he loves you doesn't mean he will love your family.
As far as moving, it is bad that he can't help you move but why not ask other friends or family to help.
Since you are adding the thing ups that he does wrong....you either need to get out of the relationship...or start making a list of the things he does right...and make sure it is longer..or you will become bitter. | |
|
| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:44:37 AM | | Op I think it's like you said yourself, his mouth is telling you one thing but his actions are telling you another, and it's those actions that are telling your guts that something doesn't quite fit about this. You should listen to your guts, because like so many of the other posters have said, if it isn't feeling right for you now, then the chances are it isn't going to get better after you're married. Usually people are on their best behaviour while dating, if this is his best behaviour (i.e. letting you and your son down) then I dread to think what his worse is. Maybe by some miracle if he marries you he will suddenly realise what he's got and learn to think a little bit more about how much his lack of consideration has hurt you, but it isn't usually the case IMO. | |
|
Home
login 
