| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:27:29 AM | I have a question as to why guys often do this. After you see them for a while and things are going well, they tell you that they really like you but want to keep it light
and take their time and don`t want anything all heavy and emotional. So you keep dating and the womans emotions start creeping in and she is starting to get attached.
Well, you have agreed to something light and easy-casual and all of a sudden the woman is fighting with feelings of attachment so the woman decides to leave the guy because that is not what you agreed to. Why is it that the guy often backslides at this point, wants to reevaluate the situation and doesn`t want you to leave, after he has stated from the beginning that he prefers for it not to get emotional. I see this alot. I don`t get it.
Why would he care if you left or not if there aren`t any emotional ties on his side? | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:40:33 AM | Well, if you agreed that you wouldn't let your emotions creep in to the dating situation, and you find that you eventually did... instead of just cutting it all off (like you appear to have done) you might have discussed it with him. Instead, from what your post says, you just stopped seeing him at all. It doesn't sound like you learned anything about him during the time you dated if you treated him so abruptly, unless you WANTED to put him in a "sh*t or get off the pot" situation?? If that's the case, it was a selfish thing to do on your part to try an manipulate him that way.
Wouldn't dating be great if both people felt the same exact thing for each other at the same exact time? But in reality it doesn't happen that way. Communication is extremely important and essential in letting the other know where you stand.
Just because you aren't "in love" with someone yet, doesn't mean you don't want them in your life at all. I'd have been pissed too, but I think I would gone ahead and let you go.
Bluezzz | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:46:50 AM | Just an observation, but you seem to start a lot of these types of threads. You tend to group all men under one heading and not be able to communicate very well with your partners.
Again, just going by the content of your other threads/posts, this is just the way it comes off to me. Not to be mean or anything, but perhaps you'd be better served by speaking with someone professionally as opposed to continually posting these types of questions on POF.
I can't make myself clear enough on this, I mean absolutely NO disrespect here, but sometimes we need to seek a higher level of qualification/knowledge than is available from a public forum on the internet. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:48:10 AM | | But from my side of it, I am kind of breaking the agreement we had made from the start. I am not "trying" to get him to do anything. I am just trying to adhere to the rules of engagement. If it is getting too heavy and emotionally difficult for me to maintain the type of relationship originally agreed upon, wouldn`t it be best to bow out? I mean it is tough when you are getting attached to someone and you know that you have agreed that you aren`t going to go there. It`s kind of like breaking a contract. The relationship isn`t working for you on the premise that you agreed upon with the guy, so you leave. What is to get pissed about, especially if you explain to him that you need to stop seeing him because you are getting attached? Why does he never want you to leave? | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:51:03 AM | The relationship isn`t working for you on the premise that you agreed upon with the guy, so you leave. What is to get pissed about, especially if you explain to him that you need to stop seeing him because you are getting attached? Why does he never want you to leave?
Because he doesn't want to go out and search again. He's got his proverbial cake and can eat it too. He's getting whatever needs he has met. You're not.
It's not the guy you want to end with BTW as he'll leave eventually when something else comes along. You can't force someone to feel the same way nor expect them to even commit. And when you told him how you felt, it was unfair that he still expected you to stick around even though he doesn't feel the same. It's actually can be described as egotistical on his part.
In this case, look elsewhere for a more meaningful relationship.
maybe he values you as a friend?
Being put in the friendzone applies to both genders. There's no way somebody should be in that type of relationship if they are attracted to the other party. It never works out. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:41:20 PM | I find your question rather comical. You state that you agreed to a rather casual relationship with this fellow. As time goes by you realize that you have started to have stronger feelings toward him. The feeling start to get stronger and without talking with him about your feelings, you cut it off and want to go running the other way and when he states that he doesn't want you to go, "you are confused" why guys do this.
I might be wrong on this one, however I extremely doubt it. Let's see here, over a period of time that you two have been dating your feelings toward him have grown stronger, you don't want as casual a relationship as you two have been having. Let's see again, Hmmmm when you decide to cut it off without talking with him, he states don't go. There is a possibility that his feelings have grown stronger just as yours has. Both of you are scared of bringing up the subject because it might scare the other party off.
Just remember communication is the key to all relationships, whether it be friendship or romantically. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:55:01 PM | Because we never think to much about emotion; its the carnal dividends that motivate most of us more than anything else. If you take his plate of cake away he doesn't lose his appetite immediately.
The guy is likely self absorbed. If you don't like that go back to the meat market. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/27/2008 1:08:54 PM | ^^^ "Hmmmm when you decide to cut it off without talking with him, he states don't go. There is a possibility that his feelings have grown stronger just as yours has."
Maybe, maybe not....OP doesn't doesn't specify whether she talks to the guy, or just bails. If she didn't talk to him, then why would he NOT say "don't go"??!! He still likes her the way he always has and has no reason to believe anything has changed, because she hasn't told him anything has changed. Now he's going to sit there in bewilderment saying to himself, "WTH just happened?! Everything was fine, we were in agreement as to what we wanted and bam, she just bails. What a flake!"
If he did start getting emotionally attached and asks her not to go, but she does anyway, again, why? Might not be where they started from, but they're still in the same place. Again, I'd be raising an eyebrow.
~ds~ | |
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ladyy1
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Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 10 | |
| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:38:51 PM | I was taught that men and women have physiological differences and there isn't much that we can do about that. Women are "nesters" and men are the "hunters". It sounds kind of barbaric, but really when you think about it, it takes it out of your hands and more into a more impersonal level. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:15:51 PM |
Why is it that the guy often backslides at this point, wants to reevaluate the situation and doesn`t want you to leave, after he has stated from the beginning that he prefers for it not to get emotional.
Why do women start a story blaming a guy and when you hear the details, SHE is the ONE who BROKE THE DEAL?
From your story, HE didn't backslide at all, he wanted the same thing that he had, a nice stable, non-emotional relationship. But you decided to cut and run, of course he's upset! You balked on the agreement and got emotional. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:51:26 PM | This seems to be a case of you spitting in the face of logic. You're treating the relationship like it's a written contract and the second it goes outside the boundaries of what was stated at the beginning you backpedal out, and the man tries to recover because (maybe) he has the same feelings for you and didn't want you to go.
Do you work for minimum wage for your entire life as well? By your logic you should, since you seem to think life isn't dynamic, evolving and changing.
Most people go into the relationship looking for simple companionship to get to know another person, and then have it evolve into something they can share for life. I would find it really sad (As in depressing) if you really didn't get this. It would be better if you were just starting all these man hating threads just for fun, But that doesn't seem to be the case. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:00:15 AM | Ever hear the saying "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"?
If you wound the bird in your hand (wound = ANY form of relationship) it is much easier to recapture that one than start all over by stalking the two in the bush. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 3:34:08 PM | OP, I can totally relate to what you are saying on this and some of your other postings as well. Guess none of the men have had this happen or they wouldn't be so harsh on the topic. I think it can be painful for both parties. Like it or not emotions are not something that can just be easily controlled. They happen and we have to then deal with them in the best way for all.
I'd like to email you directly if you'll temporarily change your settings to allow me (female). Then we can exchange outside email addresses and maybe help each other out with this. At least you won't be made to feel alone in this situation. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 3:38:44 PM | | ^^^^^I don`t have that filter up. I just talked to a lady the other day. I tried to contact you and it said you had a filter up with ladies too. Don`t know whats going on, must be a glitch. Try again. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 3:59:18 PM |
I have a question as to why guys often do this.
How often?
All guys? One specific guy? MANY guys?
Please be more precise.
So you keep dating and the womans emotions start creeping in and she is starting to get attached
Why is it that the guy often backslides at this point, wants to reevaluate the situation and doesn`t want you to leave, after he has stated from the beginning that he prefers for it not to get emotional.
I am gonna go on a limb here and suggest something totally CRAZY, but it seems that both people have developed some sort of emotional attachment after they spent some time together.
To me that sounds pretty reasonable.... you date, you enjoy other person's company... eventually you develop emotions. What seems unreasonable is to leave that that person. Total waste of time...
Why would he care if you left or not if there aren`t any emotional ties on his side?
So, men are not capable of developing emotional attachments???
Women are "nesters" and men are the "hunters". It sounds kind of barbaric, but really when you think about it, it takes it out of your hands and more into a more impersonal level
So convenient, isn't it?
Since it's natural - you are not responsible for your own behavior, huh?
I don't know... I prefew to own up to what I do and not hide behind such nonsensical stereotypes.
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 4:14:02 PM |
^^^^^I don`t have that filter up. I just talked to a lady the other day. I tried to contact you and it said you had a filter up with ladies too. Don`t know whats going on, must be a glitch. Try again.
It's not a glitch.
These are your filters:
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
Must not be looking for Long-term
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Dating
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not be looking for Activity Partner
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
shoppingformyshop is looking for dating... hence, she cannot email you...
But, to add to my post since I am already here... People change their mind about what they want from a relationship with another person. That's not a crime, is it?
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/29/2008 5:10:57 PM |
Like it or not emotions are not something that can just be easily controlled. They happen and we have to then deal with them in the best way for all.
You see, THIS is why us men are "so harsh" on the subject.... | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:49:36 AM | I dissagree it's a gender issue. Two people can go into a casual relationship and either of the two can get in deeper then they originally agreed.
Emotions DO enter in especially when sex is involved.
As to your last line, what he thought was going to be casual is more then he thought at the point of you leaving. I think we can feel ambililent about someone until we're without them and realize we miss them terribly and they meant way more to us then we realized while in our lives. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 9:30:27 AM | I'm not following you on that, Navigator. Can you elaborate?
Speaking for myself, I don't have a lot of tolerance for those who are unable to control their emotions. Especially when the same, out of control emotions cause problems over & over and you step back each time and say, "I don't understand how this keeps happening?"
I compare it to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer and saying. "OWE! That really hurts" and then expect everyone to feel sorry for you. Then, you hit yourself in the head AGAIN and again say "OWE! That really hurts" and then expect everyone to feel sorry for you. IMO, at some point you have to realize that the simple answer is to STOP HITTING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD. Aren't emotions similar (barring any major psychological problems)? Shouldn't we be able to control them?
I don't know, maybe I'm over simplifying it?? You tell me. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:12:17 AM | Navigator,
There are many men , for whatever reason, are not able to "feel" anything of a sensitive or loving nature, much less express it. They often have no sense of compassion, and view themselves as "together" and "logical" to a fault. They consider
the need for human companionship or love as a weakness. Often they feel these things deep inside,but pride themselves in choking them back because they are ashamed of more sensitive emotions, and are afraid of being considered weak or vulnerable. They are only capable of expressing aggression and anger , which they tag as manly. Any type of a loving or more sensitive feeling will be transformed into frustration, again anger, hostility, possibly a lashing out or degradation in verbal form. Often these men
have suffered a lack of parental love as children or all out emotional abuse. They basically are only addressing the logical and aggressive ( ie. manly ) nature of their personality, in order to feel safe and whole. It is so sad when I see a man that can not love or be sensitive to the feelings of others. Just hard, cold and uncaring. Our culture is full of them. It is like a puppy that is mistreated time and time again. It learns to get mean and aggressive to protect itself.
People that have no compassion or caring are not "in control of their emotions". They have learned to take the whole gamut of human emotion and turn it into aggression and intolerance. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:39:18 AM | I think we all need to start asking couples(outside of POF)who have maintained a relationship for years...ask them how they did it and what they do to keep it going....LET'S GO TO THE SOURCE!  | |
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