| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:11:45 AM | Ok here goes...I journal a lot...sometimes I pass things on to friends so I try to make it humorous and interesting. I just was writing something and a thought cropped up...
When I meet someone online it's often at a fair distance...between physical distance and work commitments it's often a month or more before we can meet. I know that's not the best way to start things, but sometimes it can't be avoided. In that time it seems that I always create a certain attachment to the man which is usually driven by the glorious perfection of anonymity (you know--the toilet seat is never left up, his breath is never bad and he must do the dishes when he cooks cause that's just the kind of guy he is). I've recently done this with someone who I've chosen not to meet for a few reasons and I'm gutted...
Now for my requested male perspective...do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting? Are you able to keep your emotional distance or are we just different critters and you just do it without thinkng? If things don't work out either before or when you do meet do you pine a little or just line up the next one and move on?
Girls...input please if I'm wrong on this...I know it's something my gfs and I talk about so I'm not the only one.
Hope this isn't redundant and turns into a bit of fun...L | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:24:31 AM |
do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting?
'Emotionally attached' isn't the right term for me. I would say if there's a good connection, "more excited" would be a better description. I believe that the best way to get to know someone is face to face. And I also know that on-line chemistry doesn't always translate into face to face chemistry.
Are you able to keep your emotional distance or are we just different critters and you just do it without thinkng?
Neither. I don't deliberately keep emotional distance. I'm just naturally pragmatic. Why I am was explained in the previous question.
If things don't work out either before or when you do meet do you pine a little or just line up the next one and move on?
When I was younger, I used to pine A LOT. But now I'm older and wiser and I would (and do) politely move on. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:56:44 AM | Yeah, I imagine her nipples are the size of thumbs, that she's really intelligent, has a lot to offer, can keep a conversation going....I don't know, I think this is a rather common thing, though.
Is the emotional attachment based on what we think the other person will bring into our lives? or just what they have to offer? | |
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sre87
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Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:09:47 AM | | Yes I've met people online and have become emotionally attatched to them. Sometimes you just really click with someone and it's a great feeling. It's happened with a couple of people. It doesn't happen overnight with me, but like I say it has happened on at least 2 or 3 occasions that I can think of. While online friendships/relationships can be nice they're usually short lived. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:20:32 AM | I get it, sort of. You build up all this hopefulness over what a person's going to be only to be let down when you actually meet them. I'm sure this probably happens to everybody who does the online dating thing.
You get over the loss eventually, how long just depends on you I would think. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:40:23 AM | | IMO it's kind of hard not to develop at least a small attachment to someone you've been conversing with regularly, it turns out you could meet, not be for each other, and still be friends. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:43:18 AM | From my perspective, I don`t get attached, I don`t get excited. I kind of keep things into perspective that all that this is, is a random communication with a stranger who is
weaving whatever fabric of reality that they wish to wear for me. Not very realistic.
There is no sense in getting yourself a excited when you have no idea what this person`s reality is about. Usually not the image that they have created. But that is human nature. No expectations from me. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:59:35 PM | nice response gtomustang.....couldve done without the nipple description, but hey, youre a guy right?!??!? | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:03:29 PM |
Yeah, I imagine her nipples are the size of thumbs, that she's really intelligent, has a lot to offer, can keep a conversation going....I don't know, I think this is a rather common thing, though.
Is the emotional attachment based on what we think the other person will bring into our lives? or just what they have to offer?
My thoughts are that it would be our 'perception' or hope of what the person will bring and what they have to offer. That's the problem...someone wrote the other party weaves the reality they want us to see...sometimes they tell the truth and we romanticize it because we want something so badly... | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:09:03 PM | I can't find a way to form an attachment to someone I don't know, and I can tell fantasy from reality so it is never a problem. I am no more likely to fall in love/lust with a perfect stranger online that I am with the guy who passes by on the sidewalk and says, Hey, Baby, wanna get it on? I don't get the whole fantasyland mind games. I prefer real passion with real people based on things that are actually happening, call me crazy.  | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:21:18 PM | do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting?
I did once, but it ended badly she was married, and forgot to mention that little fact.
With the online dating experience, it’s too easy for someone to present themselves as the most wonderful caring person? But, then when that person is required to put there words into action and reality, you see the cracks and flaws .When the realization that the person is much less then expected or promised, it can be such a let down….. Ever since then I'm much more cautious with how much I read into her responses and phone conversations. I guess we are all guilty of making wonderful people out of regular people.
"I've recently done this with someone who I've chosen not to meet for a few reasons and I'm gutted...'
I feel for you. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:27:37 PM | What difference does it make if it is a gender thing? If men did that to would it make it ok? I remember having feelings for my special someone before we met, and we were both very careful with each other, not wanting the other to suffer the fate of lost love on meeting. So we'd invent little things to keep it real, you know I smelt like a wet sheep and she had big long toe nails so that we would remember that there was much we didn't know about each other and wouldn't until we met and then even further on.
If a person is allowing you to fall for them they are not being very responsible nor are you for allowing yourself. I'm not saying that it will never happen but if it does you have to use your logical side to keep the emotional side in check.
just my opinion | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:30:56 PM | | I have been on the internet too long to for emotional attachments to someone who cannot find the time to actually meet me, especially if we met on a dating site. Raises red flags to me...last time I found out she was married..... | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:33:18 PM | Yes and it is really annoying. The longer that time passes I find the more I make up and have to put myself in check so that I don't fly off into lala land. Reality can't keep up with my imagination and I have found that my imagination is never accurate to reality. So, I have to flip the kill switch often and short circuit my imagination. Just have to hope that I don't fry too many brain cells along the way.
The hope is that the physical meeting will match the built up of an emotional image and because that is nearly impossible once the amount of time prior to meeting has gone too long. The ONLY way around this is actually having good communication occurring AND real accurate photos where there is basically no chance that you could pass by each other and NOT know it. No photos from a few months, years ago. And not just face shots! The biggest surprise should be how your height actually matches up and how you carry yourself and not how you look.
There is no pining once the fantasy is broken. Just move along.
Or, meet within 2 weeks. Preferably 1 week. Even if it is just to get the physical meeting out of the way.
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:41:45 PM | | I've learned from experience not to get my hopes up too high until I've met face to face. Too many past disappointments. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:42:29 PM |
do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting?
If there is a significant amount of time before meeting that is spent in online/phone/text communicating and conversation then I get "emotionally attached" to the idea of being in a relationship, or the person I have created in my own mind with the outline of what they've said interpreted as how I want to take it. In other words, I get "emotionally attached" to myself rather than to an actual, real person.
Are you able to keep your emotional distance or are we just different critters and you just do it without thinkng?
I am able to keep my emotional distance by refusing to base a significant amount of communication and "getting to know" someone from online/email/phone/text.
If things don't work out either before or when you do meet do you pine a little or just line up the next one and move on?
I pine more when it doesn't work out with someone that i've spent a significant amount of time with face to face rather than someone I've met online, as I romanticize their qualities/traits, and time we spent together forgetting the negatives. This generally only happens in the face of absolute desperation and loneliness.
I do not pine over people I've met online (when based on a lot of online communication) if it doesn't work out as I have already romanticized their behavior and the reason it did not work out is because either they or I were unable to live up to their, or mine, idealized/romanticized, and expected behavior/personality.
I don't (or at least try very hard not to) view people as objects to be lined up on an assembly line to pick the best one, or move on to the better one based solely on my judgments. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:46:30 PM | I think sometimes we build up unrealistic expectations as to who the person really is. They just exist on a surreal level in our lives - a voice on the phone and messages via email and chatting. The "who" of the person is left to our imagination and sometimes we build them up to be the "perfect" person; the person we want them to be rather than the person they will turn out to be once you meet. I try to not have too many preconceived notions and expectations of who a person is supposed to be before I meet them. Sometimes it's pretty tough not to though. I think the fewer expectations you have, the less likely you are to be disappointed.
I believe she is asking if it's a gender thing to see how women and men think differently, or rather perceive things differently, not to "make it okay because men do it too". (why is there no eye rolling smiley!!!?) | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:48:04 PM | | Judas Christ!!! Was "You've Got Mail" on the Superstation AGAIN last week?? You know, between that, Sleepless in Seattle, Forrest Gump, and Shawshank Redemption, I now walk around as a retarded convict named CORKY, who keeps emailing women who like to have relationships with inmates, thinking I'm going to get to meet her on top of the Empire State Building as soon as I crawl through that pipe of SHIT hidden behind the Raquel Welsh poster, and BUST THIS JOINT!!! | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:54:18 PM |
do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting? 'Emotionally attached' isn't the right term for me. I would say if there's a good connection, "more excited" would be a better description. I believe that the best way to get to know someone is face to face. And I also know that on-line chemistry doesn't always translate into face to face chemistry.
Well said, I agree. With talking to a person over the net or phone that I never met I don't get that "emotional connection" but excited is a really good term. Kind of having hopes for a person but nothing such as falling in love or even a crush on them.
Are you able to keep your emotional distance or are we just different critters and you just do it without thinking?
Umm, if your talking before meeting again see above. Afterwards, I don’t really start develop feelings for a person until after the third or fourth date. If we make it that far, I just let things happen. To many people put up walls, when things start looking really good. I think if your putting up these walls you should look at both is there something wrong with this guy/gal or are you just running away?
As for the working out part and pining over, I am always up for having a friend. So I will continue to chat with the person and it develops into that great if not well things just don’t than. But I will be forward with how I don’t see a connection either way.
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 22 | |
| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:55:05 PM | Of course...every girl is hot, sexy, flirtatious, wants to have sex all night long and will stop at the store to pick up wonderful fresh things for dinner the next day (mmmm, fresh baked bread). You've got to break the electronic wall quickly or don't bother starting.
What you both are doing is building up a fantasy because your brain NEEDS a full personality to communicate with to allow you to be comfortable saying some of the private or emotional things that get said. So in lieu of eye contact, body language, scent, tonal quality, sexual energy, etc., your minds eye steps in and creates it for you. This is good for the first few days of email and phone calls, after than you really need to take the Chemistry 101 exam and make sure you both pass...then you'll feel the new energy and can decide what to do with it from there.
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:56:12 PM |
I think the fewer expectations you have, the less likely you are to be disappointed.
:-) We all know that doesn't work. What you end up with is low expectations and kind of a negative feeling about the whole thing so you let some things slip through. It would be kind of like going to a party thinking the music is going to suck, the drinks are watered down and you won't like any of the people that will be there. Why go? Sure if you’re dragged off the couch and forced to go... Sure, maybe it won't suck but I doubt it. Yeah, sure you’re a great person but you’re probably a psychopathic ax murder with a canker sore. Let's talk! | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:02:53 PM | | No emotional attachment. And if I do, shame on me. Until you meet, you're really falling for an idea of a person that is about 70% in your head and the other 30 is an image the other person has let you to believe even non intentionally. So to me, you meet in person. Everything else does not count. | |
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