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Posted: 6/13/2005 7:08:28 PM | Ok, this thread is for fun only, NO serious talk allowed here!!! 
... (I stole the following joke from the BC Forum ... admitting that in advance so no one gets mad at me)
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Indiana and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third
day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from California. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes
were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Now come on, lets hear some of your jokes  | |
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Posted: 6/15/2005 4:40:42 PM | Wow guess this didn't go over so well ... or are people here just too bummed out about the weather to tell jokes?
Here's a couple one liners I stole from the "Coffee News" flyers:
My mind works like lightning. One Brilliant flash and its gone.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A bargain, something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Ok, come on now, I know we have some funny people out there ... I've read some of the profiles on here and couldn't stop laughing, now lets here ya tell some jokes! | |
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Posted: 6/15/2005 5:23:01 PM |
Here's a couple one liners I stole from the "Coffee News" flyers
I hereby declare you to be the King of Shame. Long may you reign. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2005 5:27:39 PM |
I hereby declare you to be the King of Shame. Long may you reign.
I'm the KING!!! I'm the KING!!! All Hail the King of Shame!!!
... just wait till I dig out my Flying Cow! | |
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Posted: 6/16/2005 4:51:53 PM | A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
... wondering if I should quite my day job and just tell jokes | |
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Posted: 6/16/2005 4:57:19 PM | I hate posting two in one day ... but couldn't resist this one ....
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
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Posted: 6/16/2005 6:20:33 PM | That first joke is hilarious Steve! Don't give up hope on the joke thread. I know I got
about a thousand I could probably think of. Unfortunately a couple of the best ones I heard
lately were a little blue so I don't know if they let you post those. I'm sure I've got some
safe ones though. I'll see what I can dig up and write them down. (I need to lighten up anyway). | |
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Posted: 6/16/2005 6:34:30 PM | Steve, this one's a good blonde one (no offence intended to blondes, I'm one):
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 14 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in
front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..." | |
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Posted: 6/19/2005 6:42:53 PM | As woarned above ... breaking out the Flying Cow:
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy, "You've already moved most of the earth."
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-nine, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweatheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on thier way to the cafeteria. One little boy stopped and looked at him in her clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priest wear. The little boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to the boy the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the little boy, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the manufacturer. The boy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," replied the young boy, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
Ok ... the middle one is kinda funny .. this being a datign site and all ... the third one is kinda brutal though ... not all that funny ... sorry | |
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Posted: 6/20/2005 6:19:22 PM | A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
... ok ... wondering if I'm the only one having fun with this post ... oh well ... there will be more to follow ... hopefully I'm entertaining someone .... | |
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Posted: 7/5/2005 10:57:43 AM | Here's a riddle I made recently:
Q: Can a man change a lightbulb by himself?
A: No, a woman has to tell him to change it first
The moral of the riddle is that most men are in the dark and do not even realize it. | |
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Posted: 7/24/2005 12:36:13 AM | a lady goes to the doctors office with all 13 of her kids
all of their names where Llyod, whether or not a boy or girl
the lady beside her says "doesn't it get confussing, with all the children having the same name?"
the lady responds "actually it makes it easier, Lloyd, come in for dinner and they all come running, Lloyd, come in for a bath and they all come running."
the lady beside her then says "what if one miss behaves, how do you determine which one?"
the women says "Oh! that's easy, i just call them by their last name." | |
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Posted: 7/24/2005 8:15:43 AM | | Two string beans were standing at the side of the road trying to get across. The traffic was terrible. Suddenly they spot an open spot and dash on to the street. The first bean makes it but just inches from the side of the road, the second bean is hit by a truck and thrown a hundred feet. Later at the hospital, the first bean asks the doctor if his brother will live. The doctor says I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is your brother will live. The bad news is he is going to be a vegetable all his life. | |
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Posted: 8/16/2005 5:23:44 PM | Ok after last night feel we need some jokes again ... so ... ahem:
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he was to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I'm a computer programmer and right now don't have time for a girlfriend ... but a talking FROG is REALLY REALLY COOL!"
he he ha ha ho ho | |
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Posted: 8/26/2005 1:13:28 PM | I'm not letting this thread die! No it won't die! Another one stolen from the Flying Cow flyer.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about a half inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "Its a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Ha ha he he ho ho
Ok you all better laugh at this one ... that was a lot of typing | |
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Posted: 8/26/2005 5:21:57 PM | | Well, you got at least a chuckle from me. A groan, folloed by a chuckle, but still a chuckle! | |
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Posted: 8/26/2005 8:37:24 PM | Hey Steve, ya know if you hear a joke you can submit it to reader's digest and if they use it, they'll pay you $200 for your submission.
Here's one I submitted:
A man and his wife got into an argument and were not on speaking terms. As they were headed for bed, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00am the next morning. Not wanting to lose the fight by speaking first, he left her a note where she was sure to see it. It said "Please wake me up at 5:00"
The next morning the man woke at 9:00. He went searching for his wife to find out why she had not woken him up. In place of the note he had left her the night before, he found a note she had left him. It said "It's 5:00, wake up"!!
Have a good one!!! | |
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Posted: 8/27/2005 8:49:23 AM | | bgblys while I was waiting at the dentist office I read that joke in Readers Digest! (I didn't look at the spot where it says who submitted it) Wonder if it was the one you sent in? | |
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Posted: 8/27/2005 10:11:40 AM | | How do you Circumsize a politician??..............................YOU CANT! theres no end to the prick!! | |
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Posted: 8/27/2005 6:35:05 PM | Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"
"Oh, yes!" was the reply.
"What do you do about it?" asked the first.
"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.
The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked,
"Who drives you to the beach?" | |
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Posted: 8/27/2005 8:54:12 PM | well,I hear this,and its mean and stuff,but i find it HILLARIOUS b/c I'm native american.
Why dont you see indians in "Star Wars" movies?
.....because they dont work in the future either!
LOL,that one always makes me laugh,its always good to poke fun at yourself sometimes,if i offended anyone,I'm terribly sorry............*giggles* | |
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Posted: 9/6/2005 5:27:30 PM | Whats black and white and read all over?
A newspaper! <-- this one works better when you say it out loud, typed you can read the word "read" as apposed to hearing "red" (if you get it that is ... but I'm not suggesting we have any slow people on PoF)
What's green, has four wheels, and flies?
A garbage truck!
*Knock* *Knock*
Whose there?
Banana.
Banana who?
*Knock* *Knock*
Whose there?
Banana.
Banana who?
*Knock* *Knock*
Whose there?
Banana.
Banana who?
*Knock* *Knock*
Whose there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana? | |
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Posted: 9/11/2005 12:58:08 PM | | Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." | |
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aciz
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Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 9/12/2005 3:27:54 AM | that last was awesome!
here's one i like...
a man and woman get married. on the night of the honeymoon, the man takes his pants off, hands them to his new wife, and tells her to put them on. she obliges, they fall off, and she says "i can't wear these - they're too big."
"thats right" he says. "remember that i wear the pants in the family"
the wife then takes her panties off, throws them at the man, and tells him to put them on. "are you kidding" he says. "i can't get into these"
"thats right," she says. "and with that attitude you never will" | |
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