| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 6:45:49 PM | | I moved about 6 weeks ago and one of my new neighbours is waaaaaayyyy too nice - I mean, pathologically nice. Since I've moved here, he's given me food I think every day (except the first 2 days): bakery items, stuff from restaurants, stuff he makes - tonight he gave me a seafood dish he got a friend of his who's a chef to make - he said he bought the ingredients for it (i didn't eat it cuz i don't know this person and I'm feeling really weirded out by this); he has also burned several cds for me, given my kids stuff, and talks to me pretty much the entire time I'm outside. He gets in my personal space. He jokes/teases me but I've noticed lately it has a sinister aspect to it - he's beginning to insult me. (So I guess he's not that nice!) He's married (2nd marriage) with kids. His wife is hardly ever home - she works full-time and he stays home with the kids. She seems depressed. I've never spoken with her. Help me - I want him to leave me alone! But he's my neighbour who I will see practically every day (we live in a townhouse complex). HELP! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 6:54:24 PM | ummm, thats a hard one.. if i were you though i think i would try to avoid being outside when you see him out there, and if you must go outside when he is there, then just try to keep the conversations short and sweet, and maybe kindly pass the hint you are not interested in talking. When he tries to give you things, say you apprechate it, but you would rather not take it cause you feel uncomfortable.
and if all else fails, tell him you have a big bad boyfriend who will kick his a$$ if he doesnt lay off :P... j/k | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 6:55:23 PM | All that in 6 weeks!
I know this is going to sounds silly, and honestly I'm not being sarcastic, but have you asked him to stop giving you food? If you are relatively straight forward with him and just say "The food is a very sweet thought, but I am ok with what I have and would like you to stop giving me food." You're not being mean, and you need to set a boundary with this guy. If he starts crossing it deal with it then.
But I feel bad, I know it's a weird situation to be in. But give it some time. Just go about your own business and ignore the rest! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:06:30 PM | | Tell him to stop bringing you things because it makes you feel uncomfatable and that it makes you feel like you owe him something in return and you do not like feeling that way. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:11:08 PM | Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable and you are sure that his wife wouldn't appreciate him doing those things or may have a problem with it.
If he continues to do it, than tell him you want to thank him by inviting him AND his wife over for dinner.
I doubt he will continue it after that. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:14:52 PM | He's married... he's being a pain in the butt.. he's coming on to you... he's desperate... he's maybe lonely... he 'seems' nice... but he's becoming a drag...and again, he's married.
You HAVE to tell him "no thanks" for EVERY thing he wants to do for you from now on and EVERY thing he wants to give to you. A polite "no thanks", but a firm one.
And, because you've let it go on for this length of time, you will probably now have to tell him something like "thanks for helping me settle in but you are married and I respect that and now your extra attention is beginning to worry me".
Stop stopping to talk with him... say 'hi' and walk on by.
This is going to be, maybe, your neighbor for... who knows... a long while.
You don't like what he's doing... so stand firm against it.
Nip it now. In my opinion. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:16:51 PM | Too nice is right... You are well within reason to suspect there is more to this than a friendly neighbor welcoming committee of one. In an ideal world, it would be wonderful to think that he is just being kind but instead you're describing someone who appears to be obsessed with getting to know you.. the single young woman who has just moved in next door.
It's very important that you slam up some walls at this point and I think you can begin by telling him that you won't be accepting any more gifts. A little white lie about how your hubby doesn't like it is far less damaging than the potential you have for trouble right now. If you see him outside, say "hi" and keep going no matter if he tries to stop you to talk or not. Check out your security systems and make sure to ask your landlord if there is any chance at all that your next door neighbor might have keys to your house. And, I think I'd be trying to become friendly with his wife.. where he can see it...
If he doesn't respect your walls, then you need to flat out tell him that you will take legal steps to have him stop. If he's already becoming insulting, I think you have a head case living next door and any mixed messages about friendliness are at risk for his misinterpretation. I'd also be telling my children to stay the hell away and to keep you well-informed of anything he says or does around them.
Follow your gut instincts and get friendly with the neighbors around you other than him so that you can at least get them to keep an eye on you...
Pretty scary stuff OP... Heads up! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:20:40 PM | Ask him to stop..if he persists
Restraining Order (Personal Protection order, not sure what the term is where you are).
Wonder if this is why the townhouse you live in was vacant/sold/for rent. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:28:55 PM | | get a big german shepard....if your neighbor still has the testicular fortitude to come into your yard and push his food on you say "aw thank you so much!!" and toss it to the dog....im thinking you'll only have to do this once........ | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:29:17 PM |
Ask him to stop..if he persists
Restraining Order
Yessir your Honor, I want a restraining order, 12 months should do it.
Im afraid he's gonna try and kill me by overloading me with carbohydrates in the form of bakery items diguised as gifts.
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:31:54 PM | | Try being direct. "I understand you are trying to be nice, but I do not feel comfortable accepting any more of these items. You have been more then gracious. Please share with someone else we are doing fine." If any thing further is offered, refuse it. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:34:59 PM | I'm sorry for being so strong in my opinion, but this is a case in which flat out rude behavior is about the only thing you can do without getting legal on him. Were I you, I would simply stop engaging him in any way. If he greets you, greet him back without eye contact and just keep moving. Just cause he's your neighbor does not mean you have to be friendly, or interact with him at all!
Keep your kids away from him (do they have cell phones?) and reiterate your "stranger rules" regarding how he might try to get them to do things they ought not do. Give them a password that they must hear before they do anything this man might tempt them to do. If they don't hear the password, they'll know he's lying to them. But really, I think it's best that they just stay away from him.
He might press you as to why you're not accepting his gifts, etc. and tho I believe you don't owe him one single explanation, sometimes avoidance isn't enough, so you might say that your boyfriend is irritated by it and go on about your business. Do not say things like "well, I really appreciate it, but..." cause all he will hear is that YOU really appreciate it and he'll disregard all the rest. You can't give him anything at all to work with. If he presses you further, simply ignore him. You owe him nothing!
I've had these kinds of neighbors a time or two and it didn't shift until I refused to participate.
PS: I'd get some extra locks, and if your phone number is listed, unlist it. And if you have no boyfriend, get one or find a good friend that will visit you often.  | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:35:32 PM | | Ask him to cut your grass, wash your car, fix things around your house, shovel the snow......put him to work when you see him. You won't see him for very long. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:37:43 PM | Ignore him,that's what I do with my idiot neighbors.
If he keeps coming over then tell him you are uncomfortable with his behaviour. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:39:37 PM | I'm just guessing, but, based on this:
but I've noticed lately it has a sinister aspect to it - he's beginning to insult me. (So I guess he's not that nice!) I suspecting that he was originally being nice, because he was suspecting "something" in return; and after it became apparent that he wasn't going to get what he hoped for in return, he childishly started acting mean.
I'm wondering: is his wife aware that he's constantly giving you food, cds, and stuff for your kids?
If he's doing it without the wife's knowledge, that would further my suspicions that he's expecting "something" in return. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:43:48 PM | To the OP
There is a lot of good advice being given here. I think funnygirl has some great points, especially about the boyfriend or friend who visits often. While I think the direct appraoch is often best, you do have to live next to this guy for the forseeable future, so an indirect approach may be better fro your sanity over the long haul. A female coworker of mine was in a similar situation with a guy who just couldn't take a hint after almost a year. I suggested that she, being single, "create" a boyfriend to introduce to the creep. So she got the biggest guy she knew to pose as her boyfriend one weekend. The creep immediately backed way off!! we all had a good laugh about it at the office. Good luck to you from someone who also deals with weird neighbors. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:50:29 PM | | OMG! He sounds like a sociopathic personality. I dated a guy recently who was a little too nice, and he turned out to by pretty psycho too. No wonder his wife is depressed. These types are usually very controlling and abusive once the niceness wears off. If you want to learn more about this type of person, go to Lovefraud.com. They may also have some advice on dealing with him. Especially because he is married, his over-the-top attention is inappropriate. I would set some firm boundaries with him. Tell you you cannot accept his gifts, and do not let him in your house unless his wife is with him. You could make it clear that you don't accept gifts from married men. If he continues to harass you or becomes violent, get the police involved. People like that have no moral conscience and do not care about others' boundaries or needs. | |
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| Crazy Neighbor - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:07:26 PM | I know this will sound hard to do, but once you get into it, it's a lot easier and it's how people protect their boundaries and their safety. Tell him, No thank you, this has all been too much and it's freaking me out, so please, stop all this attention. He will probably try to make you feel shitty but don't fall for that manipulation, that's how creeps like him work, they see if you are easily made to feel uncomfortable but unable to stand up to them. He could be just a run-of-the-mill freak who sees how far he can push you or he could be dangerous, either way, make your stand right now and stick to it and know that it's your right to be treated with respect and what he's doing it wrong...it's not wrong for you to protest. If he gets nasty and keeps it up, call the police, talk to an advocate, do not allow him to push his way into your life, most of the people like this will move on to an easier target. If he still persists, as unfair as it is, move and don't let him have any idea where you are moving, just get the hell away from him is he really turns out to be dangerous. His actions are very over the top and there's nothing neighborly or normal about how he's actions so don't try to overlook it, make your stand and be pissed that he's doing this, that will work in your favor, you do not want him to see you waver.
If it turns out he's harmless, just lonely, you will have set up a workable way to be friendly with him without him crossing the line. There's no loss in cutting off the excess and keeping him at arm's length where he belongs, even if he's just trying to be a good neighbor and doesn't have any personal boundaries himself. But the fact that he has insulted in during this over abundance of welcoming, make me think he's not a nice person but a seasoned manipulator who has decided that you are his target for whatever freaky thing he has in mind. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:09:12 PM | You could move again. Next to me :-) I would be a good neighbor. Your neigbor sucks. You should just tell him to go away. Then move next to me! I will cook for us we can have bbq's, the kids can play, it will be wonderful just like a happy family. Doesn't that sound nice? Ok.. I will take care of the current tenants and you will have your new place ready in short order. Isn't this wonderful? I can't wait. You are going to be so happy. I can picture it now. It's like it was meant to be don't you think? I bet I can help you with things around your new place to. I can help you pick out our new furniture. I even paint and have some really wonderful art pieces that can hang in the living room. Do you like cameras? I do. I like to take pictures. They show so much about a persons soul don't you think? I like taking pictures. This is going to be so wonderful and I can't wait. Oh, and don't worry about being tired from all the moving. I can help with that. In fact. I would be so happy to help you unpack all of your stuff. You can learn so much about someone by the things they own, don't you think? I bet I can help you with some new arrangments for your possessions. I have such a good eye for beauty. I really appreciate it. I think you will really appreciate it too, don't you think? I know I will appreciate you. This is going to be so wonderful. Ok, I have a lot of work to do now. I will see you soon.
kisses
I do not envy you for a minute. Only say hello and try not to answer leading questions that will continue the conversations. Cut out in mid sentence with something you need to get done. Hopefully it's just a normal creepy guy and you can have a peaceful home within a short time. You need to set the patterns and seperation. In LA I think not speaking to neighbors is almost a requirement. Don't be concerned with anything that he thinks. May want to talk to some of the other neighbors about 'them' and see what the general perception is. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:11:20 PM | I agree that you need to trust your gut instinct on this! If you are uncomfortable with it, there usually is a reason. Do you have a large male friend that can come home with you or pay you a visit when you know the neighbor is around? I think that if you had a friend with you when you asked him to stop his kindness, perhaps he might get more of a message. If you are dating someone, that is better yet. You can actually let the guy know that your SO doesn't like his helping you and wants it stopped.
Tell him you prefer your own cooking. You don't need or want a chef.
What does he bring you the food in? If he is using his dishes, you can make sure they are returned to the wife. If he is using disposable stuff, let him know that it bothers you that he is filling up the landfills, killing trees, etc. Tell him you have gone green.
Women often are too nice in dangerous situations. It is ok to say no. Do what you are most comfortable with, but you need to do it before you find out he is pedophile, sex pervert, nuts, or whatever. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:13:09 PM | Whhhhaaaaaaooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
everyone just back up a minute????
How was the fish cooked???
fish is much better with white wine.......
I dunno if any of you knew that?
is anyone reading this? | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:24:03 PM | Help me - I want him to leave me alone! But he's my neighbour who I will see practically every day
You created this situation by not setting boundaries up front. There is no easy way out of this without hurting the guys feelings, but his behavior sounds creepy to me. And if it is startring to lean towards insulting, be prepared for the crap to really hit the fan when he finally sees you aren't just playing hard to get and don't have the hots for him. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:40:29 PM | You have to be blunt. Very blunt. Some men, a lot of men actually, will not take a negative hint and in turn, the slightest perceived positive or kindness will be clung to and expounded upon.
You have to tell him that you are under the impression that he might like you, and you want to make sure he knows that you don't feel the same way.
Again, be blunt, factual. Try to be non-threatening or insulting, but also leave NO room change.
There's a line from a movie:
Him: So what are the chances of us going out?
Her: One in a million.
Him: So you're saying there's a chance!
I don't want to be dark here, but you have not only yourself to protect but your child/children.
If he doesn't get the message, then you have to involve his wife, and maybe the law (restraining order)
Good luck. | |
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