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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:19:05 AM | I don't know why the other joke threads were deleted. If you don't like jokes, don't read this stuff.
PLease share the jokes you get.
NEW AIRLINE RULES
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's
the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear
about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you
like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, And
fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I
need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can
do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to
work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters
into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of
charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the
heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:59:39 AM | To those who read this: I am not putting down or making fun of anyone. This is just a cute joke.
MISSING GRAVY LADEL
A bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:31:35 PM | told to me by a blonde:
A blonde's tire get a flat on the interstate one day so she eases over to the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them up at the rear of the car facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats ex-posing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling "What the Heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman calmly.
"Well what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asked the officer.
"Heeeellllloooooo, those are my emergency flashers," replied the blonde. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:09:58 PM | A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, . 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The
congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If th e Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, ....... 'Screw the Preacher!'
Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 3:40:33 PM | A college class was told that they had to write a short story in as few of words as possible. The instructions were that the story had to contain the following things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class.
Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 3:45:09 PM | how many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb??????????????????????????????? three ,one to hold the light blub and two to turn him around.   | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:31:32 PM | Cuckoo Clock
-------------------------
One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.
The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
"Why is that?" he asked.
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:34:03 PM | | Thank you to everyone who posted today. I just got home from work and really needed those good laughs. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:39:58 AM | My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."
:modhammer: | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:16:30 PM | A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:16:05 PM | What DO they teach in journalism courses these days?
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cold Wave Linked to
Temperatures
Who would have thought!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enfield Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chain-saw Massacre all over again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot D octors
Boy, are they tall!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity, and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh at least once a day. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:54:34 PM | Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
> together. One
> night
> the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
> and pauses. She
> yells
> to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of
> the bath?'
> The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.
> I'll come up and see.'
> She
> starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the
> stairs or down?'
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having
> tea listening
> to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I
> sure hope I never
> get that
> forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells,
> 'I'll come up and help
> both
> of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
>
> 11th Husband
>
> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
> divorced 10
> husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband
> to 'Please be
> gentle. I'm still a virgin.'
>
> 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that
> be if you've been married
> ten times?'
>
> 'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
> telling me how
> great it was going to be.
>
> 'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
> really sure how it
> was supposed to work, but he said he'd look into it and
> get back to me.
>
> 'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that
> everything checked out
> good but he just couldn't get the system up.
>
> 'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
> he had the order,
> he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>
> 'Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
> process but he
> wanted three years to research, design, and implement a new
> state-of-the-art method.
>
> 'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
> how to do it,
> but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>
> 'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had the
> product, he was never
> sure how to position it.
>
> 'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk
> about it.
>
> 'Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at
> it.
>
> 'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did
> was........... God I
> miss him.
>
> 'But now that I've married you, I'm so
> excited.'
>
> 'Wonderful' - said the husband - 'but why?
>
> 'You're with the GOVERNMENT.'
> This time I know I'm gonna get screwed! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/17/2008 5:55:19 AM | What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we do not get some support soon, someone will think that we are both nuts!
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/17/2008 5:40:53 PM | some information and 2 good ones
--- This is what Oxi clean is... 3% peroxide
This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana
'I would like e to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars.'
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe)
No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash (Small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle)
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of 'peroxide' to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, reddish, or dirty blonde It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.
11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing which is why I love it so much for this.
I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.
Send on to others who might need to know the benefits of 3% peroxide.
Looking for Work
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
---
-----Original Message-----
good one
> A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing
> an
> expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife
> how she would
> like the body dressed. She points out that the man does
> look good in
> the black suit he is already wearing.
>
> The widow, however, says that she always thought her
> husband looked his
> best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
> She gives the Blonde
> mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
> care what it costs, but please
> have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
> delight, she finds
> her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
> subtle chalk stripe;
> the suit fits him perfectly .
> She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost,
> I'm very satisfied. You
> did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How
> much did you spend?' To
> her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her
> with the blank check.
> There's no charge,' she says.
> 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
> of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
>
>
> 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
> 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
> gentleman of about your husband's size was
> brought in shortly after you
> left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue
> suit. I asked his
> wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
> black suit instead,
> and she said it made no difference as long as he
> looked nice.'
>
>
> 'So I just switched the heads.'
>
> (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!) | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:05:20 AM | An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/22/2008 4:30:36 PM | THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister..
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/22/2008 4:59:50 PM | The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be
dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
YOUR FRIEND Jack | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/23/2008 2:46:37 PM | Okay, does anyone know how to make a cat drink?
It is okay all you animal rights people....I didn't do it.
Put it in a blender with alcohol......
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/23/2008 5:19:36 PM | an old kiddie one:
What's brown on the outside, green on inside and HOPS?
A Frog Sandwich! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:45:47 PM | How's Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's
Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can
tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help,
dear. What's the name and room
number?' The grandmother in her weak
tremulous
voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me
place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the
phone and said, 'Oh, I
have good news, her nurse just told me that
Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is
fine; her blood work just
came back as normal and her physician,
Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on
Tuesday.'
T he grandmother said, 'Thank you .
That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.' The
operator
replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is
Norma your daughter?' The
grandmother said,
'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one
tells me shit.' | |
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