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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:48:33 AM | First of all this is not a self pity thread.
I have been out on seven or eight dates with great girls but having come through the death of a partner I'm becoming concerned that I am unable to see myself in a relationship ever again. Consciously I want to do it and turn up firing on all cylinders but subconsciously something seems to be holding me back. My question to the widows.widowers is have you experienced the same thing? It is important as I don't waste my time or my dates time. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:58:28 AM | I went through the same thing early on...I think the trick is to see dates more as "social" rather than a means to an end. Go out on dates, have fun, see them again, see how it goes. If you are both enjoying each others comapny there is no time wasted.
Take it steady, and good luck! | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:39:04 AM | I think we all go through something similar.
Despite what anyone says, you know when you are ready. The real question is whether you want to date for the assumed reason or are you looking for relatively free psychiatric care?
You know your feelings and your reactions to them. On your own or with help work on them until they are controlled. I can tell you that it is not easy and it won't help to try to run away from them or bury them. If I can do it anyone can.
It is, however, necessary to want to. As long as you are trying to live in the past you will have very little present. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:44:50 AM | ive been a widow for nearly four years now and i only started dating about 6 months ago. i have been on a few dates and have enjoyed them but i do understand what u are saying they never seem to get any further, i dont no wheather its because im still not ready, so i have found that instead of seeing the nite out as a date see it as an evening out with a friend and theres no pressure then, let it be natural and enjoy the company of others and just see where it goes.
life is so short as im sure u already no so enjoy it hun xx | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:45:25 AM | | you have to move and and let go of the past. but never forget what you once had. god bless you and hope all good things come your way. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:46:24 AM |
Consciously I want to do it and turn up firing on all cylinders but subconsciously something seems to be holding me back. My question to the widows.widowers is have you experienced the same thing? It is important as I don't waste my time or my dates time.
I'm not a widower, but this is probably something that you just need time to work through. I'm not being mean or anything, but have you thought about talking with someone professionally about it? A psychologist or counselor? Perhaps finding a bereavement group with others who have gone through the same thing? You never know, it might help and you really have nothing to lose from it. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 9:06:51 AM | I've decided to get back into dating with the goal of finding a long term partner. It's been just over a year since my partner died, and I still think about him. Remember stuff, good and bad. But it feels the right time to move on. I haven't met anyone yet to date, but when I do, will probably be nervous for all kinds of reasons. Have doubts
and wonder if this is right. But I'm determined to stay positive and move on.
Having doubts, when something as traumatic as losing your lover has happened, I think is pretty nomal. You just have to think about why you're doing it. To find love again.
And for me, a life without love, is no life at all. Best foot forward. Keep smiling. I'm sure you'll find the happy ending.
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 11:28:06 AM | I've been a widow for a little over 1 1/2 years. I feel ready to go out, have some fun, meet new people. as for a serious relationship..not sure. I've gone out with one guy but there is no physical attraction on my part. I really enjoy sex, but would have to trust someone a lot..I know I'm very vulnerable right now. I can see myself in a serious relationship but am not confident about the chances of it ever happening. friends first--always friends first!
one thing I've done in difficult situations in my life that has helped me: pretend. as in, if I'm nervous about meeting someone new I PRETEND I'm not nervous. you might try pretending to see yourself in a relationship. it might make you more comfortable. just don't lie & tell a woman you want a serious relationship when you don't know.
hope my ramblings helped!  | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:21:22 PM | | I can understand what you are feeling and saying from experience. What I learned is only time will heal. I lost my wife to cancer and it was tough getting out and starting over again, however don't dwell on having to find someone. When the right one comes along and you are ready you will know it. Of course I might one still hasn't come along, but she will. Just know you aren't the only one who has been through this and good luck to you. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:45:52 PM | I've had the same issue here. When I was single, before I met my wife, I used to meet many different single women all the time. It was a point in my life where the majority of women my age were single as well.
Now I've found that the dating pool is much smaller. I am going on dates, but not as many and with less options as it were. I don't think that there is anything wrong with me, nor do I think that having lost my wife has somehow made dating harder. It's more an age thing these days, plus I live in a area without many full time residents.
I had to look back and think that there were at least 10 women that I had some sort of repeat dates with before I met my wife and fell hopelessly in love. I'm sure that it will happen again, but probably not as quickly.
I still think of my wife almost every day, but lately these days it's the fond memories that are still there, and the pain of loosing her has passed for the most part.
Don't worry, it will happen to you again, but be patient. Love is not something you can predict or rush. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:40:22 AM | | Everyone always says "time" is the best medicine...time eases the pain, time helps mend the heart, time allows your inner most feelings to come out, time will help you realise there is more to life...time... It's hard, but soon you will edge your foot in the water a little more each time. It's been 5 yrs since the loss of my husband, and I do go out on dates sometimes..mine goes like yours..one time and that's enough for me...it's not there, there's no connections, no nothing..not sure if it's just scared on my part, or just not wanting to explore further just yet...everyone keeps telling me time....(sometimes you get to hate that word..but it is the truth) Good luck to you. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 3:35:39 AM | | We all hope to get into a realtionship alot sooner than we do, but like you I have been on dates and I guess I was hoping to find that one but havent. So I contiue to date and when the right one comes along i hope I can reconize her and take it from thier. For now enjoy the things you do get to do together as they are no fun alone. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:02:58 AM | I have found that you have to be totally ready, for whatever it is you are doing/looking for (and you have to know what that is too). Some people will be unable to deal with your "ghost" so that can be an issue. I've talked to many in the same boat as we are...I find that some people are looking for "the same" relationship they had...IMO you can't do that. It feels very weird doesn't it? But that will fade. I think that we do need to remember as was already stated here - we aren't teenagers. A lot of people are already taken - and the world and dating today is a lot different than it was last time we were out and about. That's a big part of it. Sometimes it is hard to remember that not all our difficulties come from our losses!
Good luck... | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:24:43 AM | I have been widowed for almost 9 yrs,, wow it seem like yesterday,, because I don't think about the time that has passed,, The grieving process has several stages,, but each of us must go through it in our own way,, as for dating,, what I remember is,, we or I needed to be honest with ourselves,, then be honest with our dates,, When I first started dating,, I told my date, I was just looking for friends because I wanted to live life again,, yet,, I was uncertain how that was all going to happen,, I felt if I did that,, no one get hurt,,that has worked, I think,,
I waited 4 yrs before I decided I wanted someone long term, the issues I have,, and it's not with woman,, most of if not all the woman I have met have been wonderful,, yet,, it's that spark that seems to elude me,, I do wish that wasn't so,, but I think, it's because we/I have matured, we know what we had, what made us happy,, what was wrong in our relationship with our spouse,, then after years of self evaluation,, I have concluded,, finding a life partner again is not an easy task,, only because of what we have learned over time at our/my age..
The positive part of all that, is,, when I find her or her me,, it will be wonderful,, because I know how to be a better partner/lover/friend..the benefit is,, compromise has it's place,, settling does not,, therefore,, I think we/I should enjoy what we have,, be totally honest with our dates,, when it come to the honesty part,, everything just might fall in place,, but what do I know,, I'm still searching too.......
I wish all widowers,, luck,, and happiness,, | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 8:07:14 AM | you didn't say how long it's been but you said you wanted to 'get back out there' so only you can tell when you're ready.
in my case the grief lasted 4 full years - during that time i raised my teenagers and just got through each day. Then before i knew it, it had been 6 years and i was okay about dating. Then i took another year to just think about it before i actually dated...
now i sometimes feel like i'm running out of time but i know that time i took to wait was nessecary...but we're all different.
good luck to you | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 8:59:57 AM | I may be different than others. I'm too damn practical, though I would gladly go back to my old life, the good and the bad of living with a wonderful but opinionated woman, life is for the living. We should, for those of us who look to the future, get on with living. If you had a good marriage, there is no reason you cannot find another who also wants to continue life in a loving relationship.
I feel that my willingness to seek another life partner does honor the life and love of my late wife. It is because of our quality relationship that I have the belief in the future. That was my late wifes enduring gift to me. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 9:13:43 AM | So far ya'll are much to young to be widowed but life is what it is. Sometimes we think we have life all planned out and then LIFE gets in the way. Losing someone is painful...work through the pain and move forward.
Having possibly suffered more death than most given my age, I think I learned the biggest lesson when my son was killed. Take your time to grieve and then learn not to grieve the loss but celebrate their life.
Sometimes when one loses a spouse, dating others feels almost like a betrayal or cheating. Trust me nothing could be furthur from the truth. If your spouse loved you, would they want you to let life pass you by. I think not. They would want whatever makes you happy.
Dont let the pain from the past prevent you from having a future.
PEACE | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 9:21:34 AM | | I definitely have, and still am to certain extent. 7 months is not near long enough | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 9:50:36 AM | | I've been widowed for 2 1/2 years, just starting back into the dating world. It took me a while to realize that I was dating with my "19 year old mind" (that's when I had my had my last date before marriage), and I now date with my 58 year old mind. After that many years what we want in a mate is very different, although some things do stay the same. Don't think you are wasting your or your date's time. We are all here to find someone we click with; I don't think anyone expects fireworks on the first date. Try to relax and enjoy the person you are with; the more you date, the more comfortable you will be. Your partner would want you to go on with your life, and that includes a new relationship. My late husband knew that he might not survive, and we had the time to discuss my living without him, and he did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life! Good luck and God Bless to you and to all of us who are going through this!!! | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 10:03:29 AM | OP, I was widowed 8+ years ago and felt guilty for dating after my husband died as I kept feeling like I was still married even though I was widowed (I just posted this in another "widows" thread).
Once I gave myself permission to date, it was easier. I knew before my husband succumbed to cancer that he wanted me to continue living after he died and to find happiness and love again because he told me so. It was the last thing I wanted to hear as he was still alive and we were very much in love.
However, once I finally felt comfortable removing my wedding ring I ventured forth and knew the lightning wasn't going to strike me down because I went on a date or kissed another man. I admit it was weird because the love was still there but as time go by (and for me, time does heal most pain) it got easier to "love" again. But only do so if you are comfortable and ready not because others tell you "It's time" or you feel you have to.
I understand. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 11:34:42 AM | | I think we all have but remember, it takes longer for some people than others. After reading through this thread, I think everybody has given you some excellent advice. Just remember, go at your own speed and comfort level. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:48:15 PM | | Hi dulac, I am a widower of almost 2 years, started seing ladies off POF about 8 months ago, I felt the "something holding you back" feeling as well. Then if I saw someone for a couple of times I had massive guilt feelings and had to stop seeing them. All the time I was talking to a special lady on POF and eventually met her for Sunday lunch, all went well and as I went home I realised, no guilt have beeen seeing her now for 3 months and couldnt be happier. So keep trying and you will know when it is right. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:20:48 PM | | damm sounds like me married 42 years alone 4 years now little head says git out and learn to dance and feed me and when i did he chickened out (I may think i am still married)I see a girl now once in a while that keeps the pain away and it is nice to rub a woman butt as she is cooking and catch myself following her around just for conversation and that seems to be enough,married again I think no.I think my problem is I cant have a conversation without bring my dead wife into it (we did this,she said that this is what we did)I need to get past that | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 5:46:03 PM | This is a woman dating a widower. Men please pay attention. My sweet dear man has been a widower for 12 years and has not been able to get past a point with me. I am extremely compassionate and understanding. The problem is, he feels something is holding him back. He calls it a barrier. I understand that. It is an emotional barrier. He is trying to suppress his past and not bring up the topic of his wife. He is afraid it will ruin our relationship and so he struggles suppressing his feelings or ignoring them thinking he has to just get on with things. Problem is, you can't get on with things if you don't deal with your feelings. Men at a very early age are taught not to show feelings. It is considered weak, not masculine. So you spend so much of your time burying the pain. Talking about it dredges up the pain and it hurts.
Women are emotional beings. They think with their hearts. Believe me, any woman worth a damn will be compassionate and understanding of this pain and anguish. Give yourselves permission to feel. Give yourselves permission to feel lousy when a birthday or anniversary comes up or a memory of something past. It's therapeutic and your woman will understand this. You are not disrespecting the woman you are with when you talk of the past. You are including her in your world, into your wounded heart. Only then can you heal. Don't try to compartmentalize your life. It doesn't work. This takes time and it is not an easy road. However, once you find peace, your new partner will take on more significance in your life and the tape that runs in your head will be less painful, less sharp. You are not disrespecting your late wife's memory with a new love. She will always have a special place in your heart. Remember she loved you too. She would have wanted you to move on and be happy. She would not want you to be sad and lonely like you are. Don't be afraid. Life can be sweet again. Give yourself permission to feel that sweetness without guilt or remorse.
Life really is worth living and you are here in the world of the living. Don't feel guilty about that. Never say never. The world is full of possibilities. You just have to give yourself permission to venture into that realm. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:15:20 PM |
I think my problem is I cant have a conversation without bring my dead wife into it (we did this,she said that this is what we did)I need to get past that
She was important in your life; she's part of who you *are* ~~ the trick I think is finding someone secure enough in their own person that they don't feel threatened. They *are* out there. Don't stop looking.
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